<p>07DAD: While you have a lot of good stuff to say, I feel like you’re presenting a false dichotomy between hooking up and seeking a spouse. When people date in college, marriage is not <em>always</em> a set end goal. The goal is a relationship. Most of the undergrads I’ve known have had the attitude that a romantic relationship is valuable in itself, not simply as a path to marriage, and while if a relationship lasted for a long time and they decided to get married (which certainly happens), they would be pleased with that, but they’re not thinking “Hmm, this person would make a good life partner,” while picking a romantic partner. They’re thinking “This person is someone I want a romantic relationship with,” and then, down the road, after they’ve been together for a while, they might start thinking in terms of life partners.</p>
<p>Also, it’s not always the case that people are into hookups for a while, then start pursuing romantic relationships. It’s pretty common for someone to, say, have a hookup or two, be in a romantic relationship for a while (say, a year), have a breakup, have a few more hookups, have another romantic relationship, and so on. And the relationships aren’t a matter of using the structure of a relationship to manipulate someone into exclusivity for a while and then find the next person - they’re sincere romantic relationships that end up not working out permanently for whatever reason.</p>
<p>shrinkwrap, Surely you know that even conservative students hook up from time to time. I’ve yet to find a demographic of teens or college students that are completely outside of the norm. </p>
<p>jessiehl, I agree with you about the false dichotomy. As women continue to gain power, the gap between expectations in “dating” (or whatever it is being called) will continue to close. What will emerge, what is already emerging, is that there are men and women whose desires range from one-night-stand to very chaste dating until marriage. </p>
<p>As women reclaim more agency over their sexuality/bodies, then unplanned pregnacies will continue to go down, age in marriage will continue to go up and the tie of sex/love will continue to loosen. That they do not conform to the current American “ideal” of love and marriage is not the same thing as that being an actual problem and I think we’ll see more acceptance of that as the years go on.</p>
There is. There are a lot of college (and even some HS) kids in monogamous and relatively long-term relationships. Often those end in 1-2-3 years (but so, unfortunately, do many marriages…) Often they start from what the “dating fans” call hookups, but usually these “hookups” develop between friends who know each other pretty well by then - it is not some random person who gets picked up at a bar.</p>
<p>Most of college kids live on campuses, spend a lot of time in groups of friends, and don’t really “go out”. It is awkward and weird to ask someone on a formal “date”. It is much more natural to just find an activity you both enjoy and go together. Many relationships in college start that way.</p>
<p>Many of today’s college kids practice “serial monogamy” of sorts - they like being in a relationship, but do not see it as a life-long commitment. The only time it bothers me for some reason is when there is a set ahead of time “expiration date” (like graduation of one of them, etc.)</p>
<p>Sorry if you thought I was urging a false dichotomy rather than discussing two ends of a spectrum.</p>
<p>I am aware of friends with benefits and serial monogamy. I thought I was adressing the idea that dating was in demise (which I don’t think it is) and that somehow “dating” was a superior form of life choice than any other (which I don’t think is valid since it is a one decision best fits all false assumption). </p>
<p>I think if you will go back and read all my posts on this thread you will see that my argument is that females have been hetrosexually active forever and not just in marriages and long term committed relationships. </p>
<p>I also agree that it was more difficult for the US female in the past to openly live her choices because of societal perceptions, pressures and prejudices which I don’t think can be explained solely on the basis that men are trying to keep women oppressed since in my experience women can brutalize other women on these issues without any help or encouragement from the males.</p>
<p>As one who started in college and dated, mated and wed the same woman in that order, I know that there is “in between.” I don’t have a daughter, but I have and will continue to discuss these issues with my S.</p>
<p>"shrinkwrap, Surely you know that even conservative students hook up from time to time. I’ve yet to find a demographic of teens or college students that are completely outside of the norm. "</p>
<p>I want to agree, but I gotta tell you, this group gives me pause. They have all gone to the same christian school for 14 years, and only a few of them went to “secular” schools after graduation. My D lectured me about not lecturing her…My son, who turned 16 yesterday, but goes to the same school said “mom, I’m not even 18 yet; that’s against the law” when I cautioned him before an outing!! I only meant that even if they “hookup”, I don’t think they’d be casual about it.(and yes, my D is one who went to a “secular” university).</p>
<p>I think the current career focus of many of today’s women college students actually impedes the “look for a husband” scenario. Many of them don’t want to marry early because it would impede both partners’ freedom to move around geographically for career development purposes.</p>