<p>We’re both fairly frugal (though I do love amazon.com… :)), but I had to take over bill-paying after H paid the credit card bill late twice. I do almost all of it online, so it doesn’t take much time. I also do the taxes, and every quarter I do a 2-page net worth report and give H a copy. The report lists all of our accounts categorized into liquid assets, college fund, and retirement funds; life insurance; mortgage and estimated home value (which unfortunately has been dropping every quarter); annual gross and net monthly income; and annual savings. H’s usual response when he reads the report: “Are we rich yet?” Um, not even close… :rolleyes:</p>
<p>I just got married 2 years ago (second marriage for each of us) and we both have fairly substantial assets. I have retained my own investments in my name because my H has a business and in the event he goes into debt or is sued, I want my assets to remain safe. (H immediately put all his investments in both our names without any discussion!!)</p>
<p>We pretty much have the same philosophy about spending, investments, etc. but there’s much we never discussed UNTIL we went to a Financial Planner - which was a wonderful experience. Our FP didn’t even talk about money during our first few meetings. She talked about our values and got us to think about our present and our future in ways we wouldn’t have thought to talk about on our own. </p>
<p>We’re now on the same page about planning for our future, educating our kids, etc. H handles all the day-to-day stuff (except for my separate accounts) because he likes it (and I hate it!) and we discuss all the big stuff together before taking any action. It works great for us!</p>
<p>We’re frugal with a lot of assets that I manage. My wife has assets that she had before we got married that are still in her name. I took accounting and finance courses in college and wrote financial systems for several years when I was doing consulting work and have a knack for investing and trading and we’ve done quite well this decade.</p>
<p>My wife doesn’t have those skills and I do worry about what would happen if I’m not around. I should work on trying to teach the kids about managing the household finances.</p>
<p>A few years back, we spent the holidays w/friends from OOS. The husband looks at money so differently than we do. He is in total control of the finances (even though his wife is also money savvy). While we thought he was a little overboard with some of the things he does, we did like some of his ideas. </p>
<p>So, we actually look at our finances regularly and make adjustments as needed. H has a spreadsheet that I can understand and we make plans. We realized that when we didn’t keep track of finances, the money would seem to take control of us. By keeping up-to-date and on a comfortable budget, H feels more relaxed when we talk about $. He still dislikes dealing with it but our conversations aren’t hostile (anymore!)</p>
<p>My husband seemed to have a lot of emotional issues around money (not uncommon, I gather), which for years made it very difficult to talk to him about our assets and money management.</p>
<p>Eventually, we discovered the book “Smart Couples Finish Rich,” which helped us a lot. It provides a neutral framework for the discussion and addresses many of the emotional roadblocks people have. I’d recommend it as a good place to start for couples that are having trouble with the conversation.</p>
<p>The tough thing is h refuses to budget or to even look at what is in the account.
He deposists his check and then he starts spending money, cigarettes, lunches, cd’s, etc.
The mortgage is automatically deducted and I do move a certain amount of money into another acct to buy groceries but he doesn’t keep track of what he spends , what the bills are or even if there is anything left( Accts are tied to savings so if it dips below it comes out of that, but if there are expenses that the liquid savings acct won’t cover, like car repairs to one of our elderly autos or medical expenses when he was on strike, I have to pay attention and transfer money from our heloc.</p>
<p>I’m thinking that part of it comes from adult child of alcoholics, don’t want to deal with anything other than right now.</p>
<p>Since I can’t get him to discuss the percentage of income that is available for things like his smoking habits ( unfortunately not just tobacco), I am going to try something more visual.
I had the idea to take a piece of graph paper and designate squares a certain$ amount.
Go through our past years expenses and color them in according to where the money was spent, it is really hard for him to see that spending $20 a day for cigarettes, lunch and coffee break adds up quickly.
(& I hope that since the health risks don’t apparently bother him maybe the $$$handed over to r. J. Reynolds will)</p>
<p>The budgeting part is one aspect where there can be difficulties, sometimes similar to throwing out the trash - noone wants to do it but someone has to. We generally don’t have budgeting issues and, in general, we’re free to buy what we want. The thing is that we usually don’t go out buying a lot of stuff outside a few hobbies.</p>
<p>An additional problem is investment which requires knowledge and education. The budgeting aspect is more about self-control. Doing well at investing and trading requires actively seeking out information and education and dealing with the behavioral aspects of markets. It also involves good execution and discipline and the ability to do honest personal self-evaluation. Most people don’t want to admit that they made a mistake and the result is frequently burying your head in the ground when investments go sour. Maybe that’s why so many people don’t like to do the investing aspect.</p>
<p>50 is a good time to deal with long-term health issues and planning for retirement as it comes up very fast. I’m taking care of my teeth last year and this year and improving my fitness levels. Addictions (I consider smoking to be an addiction) is a killer in two important categories: health and financial so some substantial effort towards smoking cessation in a non-stressful time would be a benefit. Dealing with those things that take a lot of time and effort are best done when there isn’t a lot of stress around as it is too easy to lapse back into negative behaviors when stressed.</p>
<p>^^BCEagle, I agree that investing is tricky. We don’t have the time to keep up with all the info out there and make decisions on our own. We have a financial planner who knows us well. When he makes recommendations, he makes sure we have the information to review. We let him know from the beginning that we would be active investors BUT we would sometimes need phone calls/emails to keep us on track. Life keeps us busy, you know! </p>
<p>My father handled things differently - allowing others to make decisions for him. He was VERY lucky that he had trustworthy advisors. We like to be educated about our investments - it is our responsibility.</p>
<p>emeraldkity,</p>
<p>Would it be possible for your H to open a checking account in his name alone and deposit a small portion of his paycheck into it, and deposit the majority of the paycheck into your joint account for groceries and bills? That way, he could spend the money in his account any way he wants and you won’t have to try to pay the bills out of what’s left after the “sex, drugs, & rock 'n roll.”</p>
<p>I don’t have anything to do with my H’s account and don’t question what he’s spending the money on, so I don’t get upset when he buys things I think are ridiculous (like multiple boxes of Magic: The Gathering cards at $75 a box).</p>
<p>BCEagle,</p>
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<p>Teaching the kids how to manage household finances is a great idea and will help them a lot when they’re on their own, but I think your wife also needs to learn those skills. Once your kids grow up and move out, they won’t be handling their mom’s finances.</p>
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<p>I was referring to the investing and trading skills. These take a long time to
learn, outside the box thinking and the will to run in the opposite direction
that everyone else is running in. She often tells me about what she hears
about the market that she gets on the radio or television. When it comes to
news, it’s usually stuff that I heard about a week or two before. She repeats
a lot of conventional wisdom that she hears and also tells me what the experts
are saying. I repeatedly tell her that the stuff that you get on radio and tv
financial broadcasts is rubbish. She knows my track record at trading but
thinks that she can learn or understand this stuff from companies that want
to sell soap and cars. I find that good investing and trading skills are rare. I’d
say that very few have good fundamental and technical skills and a contrarian
personality. It might be an art or something innate.</p>
<p>Stevensmama I think
it is a very good idea for his checking acct to be for his personal spending. It seems simple but it perhaps would allow him to see that things add up fast and just because his paycheck hasn’t increased for 15 years doesn’t mean utility rates haven’t ! :(</p>
<p>BCEagle, I’m impressed! I think its an art, but honed by lots of knowledge and research. I have little time left after my job, and less interest. I rely too heavily on advisers at Fidelity & Vanguard. Ex., need to make decision to move retirement account from Growth to Balanced model, and after I decide that, let them do the work.</p>
<p>Emeraldkity4, I feel for you. My former X & his kids ate out every day. Getting coffee many times a day was a ritual. Perhaps suggest your hubby try to curtail just one of these behaviors? Send him to work with a mug and muffin?</p>
<p>My wife managed a branch that was responsible for a half a billion dollar in grants and contracts when she was in the Federal Government. She isn’t capable of dealing with anything that had less than 7 figures in the number. I handle all the check paying, major purchases, and the investments. It turned out pretty well and and she remains impressed with my abilities. Pretty astounding that after 35 years of marriage your spouse can still be impressed by anything that you do.</p>