I must be a terrible parent. I have never calculated what I spent on one kid vs. others, and it would never have occurred to me to “make it up” to the kid whose rearing cost less than others by buying a car or handing him/her a check for 100K.
Our families resources are just that- the family’s. As the parents we tried to make good decisions about how to use those resources. The kid who opted to play in the backyard instead of taking karate didn’t get a more lavish 8 year old birthday party, and the kid who did a semester abroad (which cost less than staying at the home university) didn’t get a “rebate check” to spend lounging in pubs or buying stuff. We set budgets, we did our best to encourage “self help” when feasible, we applauded each and every part-time job as a good way to build skills and cash as long as it didn’t interfere with the “main event” i.e. college. Now that they are all launched, we respect their autonomy and are ever-so-grateful when they want to treat us to dinner or pick up the check when we visit them, but we don’t expect their love and respect for us to be predicated on what we spent on them vs. their siblings.
And we have one “special situation” and are touched and gratified beyond words when we see the siblings (and cousins- first and second) step up to the plate. They help each other because they love each other and want to do it, not because there is some bookkeeper in heaven keeping track of who spent what and who got what and who saved someone oodles of dough.
The fact that some schools are worth “full pay” and others not, as Mom2and puts it- of course. That’s a given. I had no trouble telling a 13 year old that the designer jeans she wanted weren’t “worth” an extra $60 bucks vs. the ones from Old Navy, and had no trouble telling an 18 year old that certain private U’s engineering program was inferior (both value and quality) to that of many public U’s where he could get admitted.
But I see “value” as a completely different exercise than trying to keep things monetarily equal.