<p>Haha, thanks! I only have two more to go!:> </p>
<p>Chapter 1
I went on to College Confidential because I was curious as to what the site offered. I realized that I would need to attribute more effort to my studies. I then realized that I get ninja’d very easily when it’s late. One day, I got the balls to post a chances thread with my 2.6 GPA, 21 ACT score, and no EC’s. After being more fried than KFC because of my stats, I left CC for 15 minutes out of shame.</p>
<p>Chapter 2
I then returned, realizing the extent I would have to go to, in order to become academically accepted here. Hungry for acceptance, I decided to invent the most useful item in the world. I was baffled by what I would invent, so I promptly posted a thread on HSL, knowing I would retrieve intelligent thoughts. They told me, “an amulet that makes hot girls and guys attracted to nerds,” and I thought it was brilliant. I presented this to some big wig companies, and awaited their responses. I got no responses, so I got the CC’er who suggested that banned. I then started getting hate PMs from CCers who thought that my brilliant product would have hit shelves sooner. Because of this, I deleted my CC account and made a new one, and my username is big dreamer.</p>
<p>Chapter 3
Then I decided to post my ideas in the College Confidential forum. All the while, I bought a book on how to patent idea on your own. I finally decided what I would do. I invented a dog. I then had to decide upon a name. I then summoned the beautiful minds of CC to assist me in finding a perfect name. I decided on “CC Puppy,” and I made it it’s very own CC account; but it got banned. I was baffled as to why it got banned, so I created a thread to ask my fellow CCers. They said that CC-Puppy was stalkerish, and that it made them feel insecure. I became overwhelmed, and ultimately signed out of CC to wallow in my self-pity. I took 7 advils. After taking advil, I felt rejuvenated, which made me feel compelled to further develop my ideas. But, as the Advil wore off, the beaver tranquilizers began to set in, so I passed out for another 10 1/2 days. However, the sting of CC disaster stayed with me the entire time.</p>
<p>Chapter 4
While unconscious, I imagined myself walking towards my computer. I then imagined myself going back to CC to show up the haters! I knew the new product that I had created within those days possessed more complexity and development than any person on the site could comprehend. This acknowledgement enabled me to feel confident in posting my recently developed invention.</p>
<p>Chapter 5
Satisfied with my handiwork, I set out to find me a white woman. I then realized that I should expand my horizons because I may meet some nice girl of a different race. After analyzing this possibilty, I decided that it would be in my best interest to find a girl with whom I shared similar interests with. I then decided to go to a strip club with Pacman Jones because strippers make the best girlfriends! However, once I arrived at the club, I was turned away due to my age.</p>
<p>Chapter 6
Since I was disappointed, I decided to go back to dreaded CC to create a thread on whether or not I should shave my 2 facial hairs. To my dismay, no one replied! I decided that I would wait an additional 3 weeks to shave, that way people might actually take me seriously; also, my hair may grow to 5 cm! After calculating the exact length my hair could grow, I carried a mirror around daily to acknowledge my facial hair’s progression. I was then referred to a “specialist” by my creeped-out parents!</p>
<p>Chapter 7
I was then sent to the counselor’s office for guidance. The guidance counselor quit their job, and packed their bags to live in a monastery after talking to me. I was ecstatic that I would no longer have to attend therapy sessions, until my mom decided she would conduct the sessions herself. After our first session, my mom bought 3 cases of beer, and I didn’t see her for a week; I hope she is okay, I’m starting to get hungry.</p>
<p>Chapter 8
I decided I would eat a frozen pizza while I called the local bars. I went to the bar, where I finally realized I was a hermaphrodite. I realized that I was at the bar considering my new epiphany. I then found my mother. My mother was so scared she needed professional help. I immediately called 911. After I called, I began to wonder why I strayed away from my invention plans. I then decided that while my mother was at the hospital, I would think of another idea.</p>
<p>Chapter 9
I decided to go to a bus station to hear the voice of the people as inspiration for my next idea. There were an array of unique individuals that I found motivating to conduct my vision. They then taught me have to get totaly wasted and urinate on buildings. I found it intriguing and longed for some way to incorporate this observation into my invention. I decided to invent a bowl that one can urinate in after they have been drinking, but I needed materials & test subjects. I opted to go to my local community college to enlist volunteers. I found that these volunteers drank so much, that I could test this product out 24 hours a day.</p>
<p>Chapter 10
I then hatched an evil plot: I would create an organization to help frazzled mothers and use it on my list of EC’s and in my essays! I went to my local hospital to find frazzled mothers, but a mean dyslexic resident who went to Stanford called Cristina told me that “frazzled” wasn’t a word; so I had to go on fmylife to recruit frazzled mothers for experimental subjects. What I found astounded me. I wondered why “frazzled” wasn’t a word. I ultimately decided to look it up, and found that it was a word, meaning, as defined by my dictionary, “worn-out; fatigued.” I then decided to impress people at school with my newly-defined word. However, no one believed that it was a word.</p>
<p>Chapter 11
Frustrated, I decided to tell my new guidance counselor. However, my guidance counselor was still in the hospital. I decided that I had a newfound vendetta against her for having thereapy sessions with my mother. Infuriated, I decided to run away. I felt that the best place for me was a research laboratory where my true genius would be revealed. I was apprehensive as I filled out the paper work to conduct my research, for this was my first time on my own. However, I sent my application to conduct research at Caltech, MIT, UPenn, UMich, Cornell, UVA, Stanford, Harvard, and Berkeley. I was under the impression that I would gain acceptance into the institutes.</p>
<p>Chapter 12
To my delightful surprise, I was asked to appear for an interview for every school I had applied to. The day of my interview, I was solicitous, as this was my first one. I was so nervous, that I pointed out errors in my interviewer’s research that I had read the night before, but intended to say nothing to his face. I will never forget the look on his face. He had the same look on his face cleaning out his office! I remained calm while I waited anxiously for his speech. He flipped me off, swore at me, and angrily walked away; I was ecstatic that Caltech hired me as their new Quantum Biophysics Research Director.</p>
<p>Chapter 13
I promptly opened up my address book to share the news with all of my friends. The only problem was I don’t have that many friends, so I called my chess team cohorts. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to reach them due to the fact that they were competing in the championship tournament. I received a picture text of the chess board and directed their moves from that point forward. With my assistance, they were able to win the game. However, I was reprimanded for using my cell phone on my first hour on the job. After insisting that my usage of my cell phone was for an emergency purpose, I was forgiven and allowed to further conduct my research.</p>
<p>Chapter 14
I then had no clue what to research, so I made another trip to a random bus station near Caltech. What I found changed my life forever. I found my frazzled mother drinking a bottle of Fehlerbrauerei Kugelschweiss on a bench surrounded by beavers. I was astounded due to the fact that I didn’t know there were beavers near Caltech. I told my mother that I needed familial support for being a hermaphrodite, but she turned out to be a mind-reading robot sent by my boss to spy on me; I was then fired for my ignorance of Caltech’s own mascot. I was so dumb-founded I decided to smoke pot that night. After realizing my idiocy, I decided to go into counseling. The process was long and tedious.</p>
<p>Chapter 15
After my first time being at Harvard after 2 days, I decided to look into the other colleges that I applied for research positions at. I opted to call to the remaining colleges to ask if there was space available. After hearing how I got a Caltech researcher director fired, I was offered a space anywhere I wanted; now I had to choose the correct place. I decided to consult drunk beavers, and utilized my urine-bowl invention in the process. At this point in time, I felt that my life had taken a drastic turn. It hit me to sell my invention to drunk beavers, thusly I could make millions of dollars. However, before I could succeed in this, I needed to consult my friends and family. My mom and her drunk beaver cohorts said go do it, simply because they wanted to buy it. Considering their opinions, I decided to develop my plan, while making it clear to them that they would only receive 20% of the profits. I then remembered that beavers don’t use cash, so I will only concede 8.537% of the profits to my newly alcoholic mother. After this calculation, I knew I was finally prepared to further progress my new development.</p>
<p>Chapter 16
So, I hired a law professor from Harvard to assist me in the patenting process. Unfortunately, he also wanted some of my profits. We agreed to a 15% cut for the lawyer, as well as a base salry of $1 million. I felt that with this amount of money as a base point, we would be able to sell each individual product for twice as much. The product then hit liquor stores, Wal-Mart, and amazon.com. However, I wanted the product to generate further success, so I began soliciting to other stores. I was greatly pleased to find out that we sold 2.345 million products the first 2.5 minutes wordwide.</p>
<p>Chapter 17
After acknowledging our success, I decided we should invent another product to acquire more profits. I decided that we should consult my permantetly drunk mother and her beaver friends for advice; this baffled my lawyer and investers. However, I explained to them that they had helped me devise the plan, making them useful counterparts to our product. However, they insisted on paying my mother no more than 5% of the profits. I agreed with this decision, realizing she would solely use her share for alcohol. I was thankful that a business meeting turned out to be a mini-intervention for my mother. Now, I just needed my mother to confront her addiction. With new-found wealth, I hired an addiction specialist, Ben Stein. I told her to go along to her appointment with her psychiatrist, whom the authorities, after she was reported by a bar owner, force her to see due to her supposed lack of “sociability” and her dangerous inclination toward independent thought. Ben Stein’s boring voice disinterested my mother so much that she was induced into a deep state of hypnosis. Through this process, my mother became so disinterested, that she fell into a state of unconsciousness. I then had to search for a better therapist than Ben Stein.</p>
<p>Chapter 18
<em>Yawn</em> I opened my eyes to a dim morning light and realized that it was all an elaborate dream. No Caltech, no Ben Stein, no CC Puppy—it was just me and my ugly, morbidly obese wife sleeping next to me. It turned out, I daydreamed that none of this existed; however, it was in fact reality. I had to focus on true reality: helping my deeply hypnotized and scared mother, and to get my next product in stores. I decided that I needed to find a place to clear my mind and develop a way to accomplish my goals.</p>
<p>Chapter 19
So I decided to take a trip to Ben Stein’s office for a session of “boring thereapy.” I was wary of the accuracy of his work at first, seeing as how my mother’s habbits were not altered. To my dismay, I was bored within 13 seconds, so Mr. Stein was very “relaxing” today. However, my mother was still in a trance, and I grew scared. I decided that I would try to talk to her. After 10 minutes, we were both cured and focused; I put her on the board of my company. My companions were stunned by how quickly she had recovered. I told them that aspark of boring in one’s life goes a long way; I also revealed that Ben Stein isn’t a real therapist and was just boring. This is how my mother and I were cured, by the poseur Dr. Phil.</p>
<p>Chapter 20
Ever since an early age, I recollect watching Dr. Phil and his unique way of addressing individuals and their problems. I quickly decided that I enjoyed his boss, Oprah, much more. Her effect on people was greater than Dr. Phil’s, and I was able to connect with her ways of dealing with issues. Because we mutually rspected one another, Oprah and I went into business together. I knew this announcement would attract attention and buyers, so I asked Opera to help me create more inventions to sell to the public.</p>
<p>Chapter 21
We decided to produce wigs that said comforting phrases when sadness was detected; it also gave away free prizes. After releasing this product to the public, we made millions. In two weeks, profits grew to $5 billion. Soon after, we became the richest people in the world. However, I was unhappy; there was no special someone to share the money with. Being wealthy brought on an aura of pretentiousness, so I tried hooking up with hot models and actresses. With my popularity, I had an array of choices. After a while, I desired a girl more suitable to be a wife; since I was only 17, I checked some nice high school girls. I decided that I would go back to school in an attempt to win their admiration. However, due to my amazing intellect, I was deemed awkward. After considering this, I decided that I would join the math team. </p>
<p>Chapter 22
I thought that math chicks would be hot like the girls in Hollywood. As it turned out, they were.</p>
Lol, you NEED to watch it, sooooo funny!</p>
I can’t get a look, I have a small window to look out of, my family will wake up if I go outside, and a school across the street has some bright street lights :(</p>
Haha, I told my mom I wanted to see it and she just stared at me and told me good night and walked away lol</p>