Ultimate College Confidential Story

big_dreamer · October 6, 2009, 5:45pm

Chapter 1
I went on to College Confidential because I was curious as to what the site offered. I realized that I would need to attribute more effort to my studies. I then realized that I get ninja’d very easily when it’s late. One day, I got the balls to post a chances thread with my 2.6 GPA, 21 ACT score, and no EC’s. After being more fried than KFC because of my stats, I left CC for 15 minutes out of shame.

Chapter 2
I then returned, realizing the extent I would have to go to, in order to become academically accepted here. Hungry for acceptance, I decided to invent the most useful item in the world. I was baffled by what I would invent, so I promptly posted a thread on HSL, knowing I would retrieve intelligent thoughts. They told me, “an amulet that makes hot girls and guys attracted to nerds,” and I thought it was brilliant. I presented this to some big wig companies, and awaited their responses. I got no responses, so I got the CC’er who suggested that banned. I then started getting hate PMs from CCers who thought that my brilliant product would have hit shelves sooner. Because of this, I deleted my CC account and made a new one, and my username is big dreamer.

Chapter 3
Then I decided to post my ideas in the College Confidential forum. All the while, I bought a book on how to patent idea on your own. I finally decided what I would do. I invented a dog. I then had to decide upon a name. I then summoned the beautiful minds of CC to assist me in finding a perfect name. I decided on “CC Puppy,” and I made it it’s very own CC account; but it got banned. I was baffled as to why it got banned, so I created a thread to ask my fellow CCers. They said that CC-Puppy was stalkerish, and that it made them feel insecure. I became overwhelmed, and ultimately signed out of CC to wallow in my self-pity. I took 7 advils. After taking advil, I felt rejuvenated, which made me feel compelled to further develop my ideas. But, as the Advil wore off, the beaver tranquilizers began to set in, so I passed out for another 10 1/2 days. However, the sting of CC disaster stayed with me the entire time.

Chapter 4
While unconscious, I imagined myself walking towards my computer. I then imagined myself going back to CC to show up the haters! I knew the new product that I had created within those days possessed more complexity and development than any person on the site could comprehend. This acknowledgement enabled me to feel confident in posting my recently developed invention.

Chapter 5
Satisfied with my handiwork, I set out to find me a white woman. I then realized that I should expand my horizons because I may meet some nice girl of a different race. After analyzing this possibilty, I decided that it would be in my best interest to find a girl with whom I shared similar interests with. I then decided to go to a strip club with Pacman Jones because strippers make the best girlfriends! However, once I arrived at the club, I was turned away due to my age.

Chapter 6
Since I was disappointed, I decided to go back to dreaded CC to create a thread on whether or not I should shave my 2 facial hairs. To my dismay, no one replied! I decided that I would wait an additional 3 weeks to shave, that way people might actually take me seriously; also, my hair may grow to 5 cm! After calculating the exact length my hair could grow, I carried a mirror around daily to acknowledge my facial hair’s progression. I was then referred to a “specialist” by my creeped-out parents!

Chapter 7
I was then sent to the counselor’s office for guidance. The guidance counselor quit their job, and packed their bags to live in a monastery after talking to me. I was ecstatic that I would no longer have to attend therapy sessions, until my mom decided she would conduct the sessions herself. After our first session, my mom bought 3 cases of beer, and I didn’t see her for a week; I hope she is okay, I’m starting to get hungry.

Chapter 8
I decided I would eat a frozen pizza while I called the local bars. I went to the bar, where I finally realized I was a hermaphrodite. I realized that I was at the bar considering my new epiphany. I then found my mother. My mother was so scared she needed professional help. I immediately called 911. After I called, I began to wonder why I strayed away from my invention plans. I then decided that while my mother was at the hospital, I would think of another idea.

Chapter 9
I decided to go to a bus station to hear the voice of the people as inspiration for my next idea. There were an array of unique individuals that I found motivating to conduct my vision. They then taught me have to get totaly wasted and urinate on buildings. I found it intriguing and longed for some way to incorporate this observation into my invention. I decided to invent a bowl that one can urinate in after they have been drinking, but I needed materials & test subjects. I opted to go to my local community college to enlist volunteers. I found that these volunteers drank so much, that I could test this product out 24 hours a day.

Chapter 10
I then hatched an evil plot: I would create an organization to help frazzled mothers and use it on my list of EC’s and in my essays! I went to my local hospital to find frazzled mothers, but a mean dyslexic resident who went to Stanford called Cristina told me that “frazzled” wasn’t a word; so I had to go on fmylife to recruit frazzled mothers for experimental subjects. What I found astounded me. I wondered why “frazzled” wasn’t a word. I ultimately decided to look it up, and found that it was a word, meaning, as defined by my dictionary, “worn-out; fatigued.” I then decided to impress people at school with my newly-defined word. However, no one believed that it was a word.

Chapter 11
Frustrated, I decided to tell my new guidance counselor. However, my guidance counselor was still in the hospital. I decided that I had a newfound vendetta against her for having thereapy sessions with my mother. Infuriated, I decided to run away. I felt that the best place for me was a research laboratory where my true genius would be revealed. I was apprehensive as I filled out the paper work to conduct my research, for this was my first time on my own. However, I sent my application to conduct research at Caltech, MIT, UPenn, UMich, Cornell, UVA, Stanford, Harvard, and Berkeley. I was under the impression that I would gain acceptance into the institutes.

Chapter 12
To my delightful surprise, I was asked to appear for an interview for every school I had applied to. The day of my interview, I was solicitous, as this was my first one. I was so nervous, that I pointed out errors in my interviewer’s research that I had read the night before, but intended to say nothing to his face. I will never forget the look on his face. He had the same look on his face cleaning out his office! I remained calm while I waited anxiously for his speech. He flipped me off, swore at me, and angrily walked away; I was ecstatic that Caltech hired me as their new Quantum Biophysics Research Director.

Chapter 13
I promptly opened up my address book to share the news with all of my friends. The only problem was I don’t have that many friends, so I called my chess team cohorts. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to reach them due to the fact that they were competing in the championship tournament. I received a picture text of the chess board and directed their moves from that point forward. With my assistance, they were able to win the game. However, I was reprimanded for using my cell phone on my first hour on the job. After insisting that my usage of my cell phone was for an emergency purpose, I was forgiven and allowed to further conduct my research.

Chapter 14
I then had no clue what to research, so I made another trip to a random bus station near Caltech. What I found changed my life forever. I found my frazzled mother drinking a bottle of Fehlerbrauerei Kugelschweiss on a bench surrounded by beavers. I was astounded due to the fact that I didn’t know there were beavers near Caltech. I told my mother that I needed familial support for being a hermaphrodite, but she turned out to be a mind-reading robot sent by my boss to spy on me; I was then fired for my ignorance of Caltech’s own mascot. I was so dumb-founded I decided to smoke pot that night. After realizing my idiocy, I decided to go into counseling. The process was long and tedious.

Chapter 15
After my first time being at Harvard after 2 days, I decided to look into the other colleges that I applied for research positions at. I opted to call to the remaining colleges to ask if there was space available. After hearing how I got a Caltech researcher director fired, I was offered a space anywhere I wanted; now I had to choose the correct place. I decided to consult drunk beavers, and utilized my urine-bowl invention in the process. At this point in time, I felt that my life had taken a drastic turn. It hit me to sell my invention to drunk beavers, thusly I could make millions of dollars. However, before I could succeed in this, I needed to consult my friends and family. My mom and her drunk beaver cohorts said go do it, simply because they wanted to buy it. Considering their opinions, I decided to develop my plan, while making it clear to them that they would only receive 20% of the profits. I then remembered that beavers don’t use cash, so I will only concede 8.537% of the profits to my newly alcoholic mother. After this calculation, I knew I was finally prepared to further progress my new development.

Chapter 16
So, I hired a law professor from Harvard to assist me in the patenting process. Unfortunately, he also wanted some of my profits. We agreed to a 15% cut for the lawyer, as well as a base salry of $1 million. I felt that with this amount of money as a base point, we would be able to sell each individual product for twice as much. The product then hit liquor stores, Wal-Mart, and amazon.com. However, I wanted the product to generate further success, so I began soliciting to other stores. I was greatly pleased to find out that we sold 2.345 million products the first 2.5 minutes wordwide.

Chapter 17
After acknowledging our success, I decided we should invent another product to acquire more profits. I decided that we should consult my permantetly drunk mother and her beaver friends for advice; this baffled my lawyer and investers. However, I explained to them that they had helped me devise the plan, making them useful counterparts to our product. However, they insisted on paying my mother no more than 5% of the profits. I agreed with this decision, realizing she would solely use her share for alcohol. I was thankful that a business meeting turned out to be a mini-intervention for my mother. Now, I just needed my mother to confront her addiction. With new-found wealth, I hired an addiction specialist, Ben Stein. I told her to go along to her appointment with her psychiatrist, whom the authorities, after she was reported by a bar owner, force her to see due to her supposed lack of “sociability” and her dangerous inclination toward independent thought. Ben Stein’s boring voice disinterested my mother so much that she was induced into a deep state of hypnosis. Through this process, my mother became so disinterested, that she fell into a state of unconsciousness. I then had to search for a better therapist than Ben Stein.

Chapter 18
Yawn I opened my eyes to a dim morning light and realized that it was all an elaborate dream. No Caltech, no Ben Stein, no CC Puppy—it was just me and my ugly, morbidly obese wife sleeping next to me. It turned out, I daydreamed that none of this existed; however, it was in fact reality. I had to focus on true reality: helping my deeply hypnotized and scared mother, and to get my next product in stores. I decided that I needed to find a place to clear my mind and develop a way to accomplish my goals.

Chapter 19
So I decided to take a trip to Ben Stein’s office for a session of “boring thereapy.” I was wary of the accuracy of his work at first, seeing as how my mother’s habbits were not altered. To my dismay, I was bored within 13 seconds, so Mr. Stein was very “relaxing” today. However, my mother was still in a trance, and I grew scared. I decided that I would try to talk to her. After 10 minutes, we were both cured and focused; I put her on the board of my company. My companions were stunned by how quickly she had recovered. I told them that aspark of boring in one’s life goes a long way; I also revealed that Ben Stein isn’t a real therapist and was just boring. This is how my mother and I were cured, by the poseur Dr. Phil.

Chapter 20
Ever since an early age, I recollect watching Dr. Phil and his unique way of addressing individuals and their problems. I quickly decided that I enjoyed his boss, Oprah, much more. Her effect on people was greater than Dr. Phil’s, and I was able to connect with her ways of dealing with issues. Because we mutually rspected one another, Oprah and I went into business together. I knew this announcement would attract attention and buyers, so I asked Opera to help me create more inventions to sell to the public.

Chapter 21
We decided to produce wigs that said comforting phrases when sadness was detected; it also gave away free prizes. After releasing this product to the public, we made millions. In two weeks, profits grew to $5 billion. Soon after, we became the richest people in the world. However, I was unhappy; there was no special someone to share the money with. Being wealthy brought on an aura of pretentiousness, so I tried hooking up with hot models and actresses. With my popularity, I had an array of choices. After a while, I desired a girl more suitable to be a wife; since I was only 17, I checked some nice high school girls. I decided that I would go back to school in an attempt to win their admiration. However, due to my amazing intellect, I was deemed awkward. After considering this, I decided that I would join the math team.

Chapter 22
I thought that math chicks would be hot like the girls in Hollywood. As it turned out, they were. I decided to build up the courage to ask one of the girls out. As I walked up to her, I didn’t know what to say. I decided to talk to her like Dr. Sheldon Cooper talks to girls on the Big Bang Theory. To my dismay, the girl stared at me blankly. I then decided that my ground-breaking intellect was too much for high schoolers to comprehend.

Chapter 23
I decided that it would be in my best interest to attend college. Having billions of money to burn, 2 weeks of lab research, and surviving my mother’s troubled past, I headed to CC for a new “What are my Chances” thread. I felt that all of my extra activities would win the praise of other posters. I honestly believed that I had created the best ‘chances’ thread ever, eagerly awaiting the addicts of CC to post replies. However, as I checked to see if anyone had responded, I was immediately confronted with the words, “You have no chance, go to community college!” After bumping my thread every 5 minutes, I assumed more positve feedback will come. However, I came to realize that my statistics were so good that no one believed I was telling the truth.

Chapter 24
I once again sadly left CC, and deleted this current account. After wallowing in my self-pity, I decided to create another account and post my ideas in the Harvard forum. In a forum filled with Harvard students, I expected better and more postive results. Now I just needed to think of an account name. I decided on “AwkwardUberSmartIvyLeaguer.” I then realized the name was too long, and decided on “AUSIL3000.” I eagerly awaited the responses, hoping that ■■■■■■ would not ruin my thread. As it turned out, they critized me for not doing more interesting activities, which I was baffled by, seeing as how I had worked with beavers in the past. Nonetheless, I had to leave CC again, making me ponder why I keep returning. I finally made the difficult decision to give up my CC addiction for the time being to pursue a different career and school path.

Chapter 25
I decided I would apply to all 8 Ivies, MIT, Stanford, Caltech, Johns Hopkins, Duke, and UChicago for my undergraduate degree. I was confident that I would gain acceptance, despite the fact that I was only seventeen. I have such an amazing brain it only took me 20 minutes to fill out each application. Feeling confident with my work, I immediately mailed it in, without doing any proofreading. I also needed to attend interviews for every school I applied to. Therefore, I needed to go shopping for an outfit, seeing as how my jeans and hole shirts wouldn’t suffice. So, I used my billions to buy a jet, fly to an Armani store, and prepare to dress to impress. I ultimately decided to hire an assistant there, seeing as how I could not pick out outfits myself. I now looked for fruity guys or petulant women to dress me. I ultimately decided upon the nearest women next to me. She charged $50,000 on my Visa Black Card at the Armani store. I thought this was ridiculous and tried to report her for charging me extra. However, she could easily beat me up, so I backed off of her. This was mainly due to the fact that I hadn’t ever worked out in my life, and I was intimidated. Her masculine persona caused me to call for my security gaurds, which set the stage for an epic showdown: chick vs big dudes.

Chapter 26
As the security guards came, I was afraid for my life. So much so I balled myself into the fetal position. However, while doing this, my friends walked through the door. They shrilled in agony at the battle sight, and spilled their caramel macchiatos all over themselves and the floor. In addition to this, they spilled them all over the women’s dress! We were then all thrown out of the Armani store. However, I still needed an outfit. I decided to fly to Paris to shop. I decided to hire my own personal assitants to help me pick out an outfit. I was hoping to meet a hot French girl to dress me. I decided to search craigslist for potential assistants. The only problem: I seemed super sketchy on craigslist. I then decided against craigslist and instead asked Oprah to help me.

Chapter 27
I eagerly flew to Chicago to meet Oprah. There, she was able to give me the numbers of some of the best dressing assistants. I decided on her most trusted assistant. Her name was Sarah. I felt awkward around Sarah. She seemed impatient and irritated with the fact that I needed assistance. But oh my gosh she was oh so hot. I wasn’t sure what I should do, as my emotions were caught between my attraction and fearfulness towards her. So I yelled out: “Hey babe, let’s find our coefficient of friction together”. She replied: “Kinetic or static?” while Oprah thought we were speaking an obscure dialect of Antarctican. I started to laugh because of Oprah’s inability to comprehend. After laughing, I decided it was time to have Sarah, who apparently was attracted to me too, take me shopping for an outfit. We hopped in my jet to find the right clothes for my interviews. I wasn’t sure where we should go, so I asked her for a recommendation. She told me to stay quiet and that she had a surprise in hand for me. I wasn’t sure what the surprise was, but as long as she didn’t take me to Antarctica, I felt that I would be ok with wherever she took me.

Chapter 28
We landed in London, England and I suspected that we were going to visit Harrod’s. I was excited about the trip, seing as how I hadn’t ever been to London before. A chaffeur escorted Sarah and myself to a black Rolls-Royce Phantom EWB to transport us to the secret store, presumably Harrod’s. I loved the car so much, that I offered to buy it. I then took my new ride, asked Sarah to instruct the driver to take us to Harrod’s, and began to prepare for my huge credit card bill. Once we got there, I asked Sarah what color looked the best on me. In order to decide which color looked best on me, I tried on 15 different colors of suits. While I thought the color yellow, similarly to my packet of pencils in my pocket, looked nice on me, she told me that the color black was the best choice. I decided to purchase a yellow tie because it conveys power, that way I would impress the interviewers at my dream schools. I felt that this decision would make me stand out in interviews so I wouldn’t appear as a generic applicant. I decided that a Rolex watch would also make me special. At the end of the day, I finally finished shopping and was ready for my interviews.

Chapter 29
After returning back to the United States, I asked Sarah to come with me to my interviews to provide me with moral support, seeing as how my mother had a meeting with the beavers and couldn’t attend. We flew to my first interview the next day. I wasn’t sure if I should be nervous, seeing as how with my application and yellow tie, I would secure my acceptance easily. To my dismay, Sarah decided that she would wait in the Rolls-Royce during the interview. I was jealous and upset from this decision, seeing as how I had just bought the car and didn’t want her to scratch it. I regained my cool, and headed into the building.

Chapter 30
I was astonished by what I saw when I entered. I thought that I would receive a kingly welcome from Yale, but it was completely different. Instead, I was confronted with an irritated lady who told me I would have to wait a half hour. I decided to look at the Harry Potter-esque building style. After doing this, I went outside to make sure Sarah didn’t leave me in my car. Sarah was listening to T.I. I ultimately asked her where she got the cd, because I wanted to buy it. Before she could answer, my interviewer unexpectedly asked to conduct the interview ahead of schedule; I followed inside to her office.

Chapter 31
As I approached the room, I felt more nervous about the car being left alone with Sarah, than me being questioned, due to my confidence. I then remembered that my chaffeur locked Sarah in the back of the car, so I focused on destroying my interviewer’s mind. I decided to mention my experience with beavers to make me stand out as an applicant. After that, I told her my incredible story, and waited to see her brain oozing out of her ears because of my awesomeness. As it turned out, she had just seen a kid before me who said the same thing! I ultimately decided to tell her about my experience with actresses and models. She eagerly listened and asked if she could model for a magazine I had bought a day before. While I would normally say no, my acceptance was at stake, so I told her she could. I then expected to receive an acceptance packet from Yale very quickly.

Chapter 32
After finishing the interview with confidence, I decided to unlock Sarah out of the back of the car so I could go buy another one as a reward for my accomplishments. We then were driven to the nearest Rolls-Royce dealership, in Greenwich, Connecticut. I was so excited that I almost fainted. However, I felt fine after taking sight of a Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe. I decided I was ready to purchase the vehicle. I wrote the check for $450,000. I was so ecstatic that I immediately jumped in the car and drove to buy more clothes.

Chapter 33
So, we drove to New York City because I needed a change of clothes for my Columbia University interview. I was excited at the opportunity of buying more yellow ties, and it was my first time in New York City. I ended up buying 50 yellow ties. I then decided that purple also looked decent on me, though Sarah told me the color didn’t. I bought it anyway, and used a hat to draw which yellow tie I would wear to my interview. I knew that with this outfit, I would stand out even more than ever. I had 4 minutes to cross 20 blocks in NYC, but had nowhere to park my new Rolls-Royce. I decided to arrive late, nothing was worth more than my Rolls-Royce. Columbia would have to understand, as they were in a city full of stunners, but none were bigger than me. After realizing this, I decided to buy a hot dog. I bought a few hot dogs for my interviewer, just out of courtesy. I figured nobody would have seen a 17 year old driving a Rolls-Royce convertible en route to a Columbia interview touting hot dogs, all while donning Armani head-to-toe. I knew these factors, and my yellow tie, would persuade the interviewer to give me a good review. I boldly walked into the interview room, my diamond-studded Armain shades glistening in the fluorescent lighting. I was then greeted with praise. I was poised to knock them dead with my flowing swagger and perfectly yellow tie. However, the first question I was asked shocked me. I was shocked because my interviewer did not acknowlege my gorgeous tie. I decided I would point it out to him. He took great interest in it. He then asked me where I purchased it, and we got into a long conversation regarding ties. After giving him my spare yellow tie from my pocket, I figured that I was a lock for Columbia. This came as no surprise, seeing as how well I had done at Yale.

Chapter 34
My next interview was tomorrow for Harvard, and I was prepping myself for it. I was beginning to wonder why Sarah was still my assistant, seeing as how I had recently discovered an eye for good ties. I pondered this while walking into a Tiffany’s jewlery store to buy a Rolex watch; diamonds never hurt one’s cause. I decided that since I didn’t want to get rid of Sarah, I decided she would be useful by keeping track of my money so I would spend too much on diamonds. I bought a $50,000 watch for myself, a $15,000 tennis bracelt for Sarah, and a $100,000 diamond and gold necklace for my Harvard interviewer. I felt that with these purchases, I would be destined to get accepted, while making everyone look nice. Full of swager, I went to bed early in order to have extra time to accesorize the next morning.

Chapter 35
As I woke up at 4 am to accesorize, I was confident in my chances and looked forward to the new day. I decided that wearing a Rolex watch while riding in a Rolls-Royce en route to the Harvard interwiew would be good luck because several "R"s were going on at the same time. With this acknowledgement, I knew I was destined to succeed! I brought my interviewer a latte to appear courteous. With this latte and his gold, I knew he would be dying to have me as a student. Since I was convinced that Harvard would admit me, my next target was MIT. I decided I would buy a computer for my interviewer. I just had to decide whih model would suit them best, so I went to every tech store in the greater Boston area. Luckily, while searching, I ran into a student from MIT and they were able to help me pick out a decent computer. I headed to my interviewer’s office beaming with confidence. What lay ahead was beyond anything I would ever be able to comprehend.

Chapter 36
My next target school was Brown University. Knowing that it wasn’t one of the top Ivies, I felt even more confident with my position. However, knowing that it was a prestigious school know for a “chillaxed” student body, I figured some new clothes were needed. They were needed not only for the interview, but also just because I felt compelled to for everyday use. So, I bought a tie at the mall in Boston before I left for Providence, and I enoyed my new red tie. Its best feature was the yellow strips, seeing as how I decided yellow was my new favorite color. Upon entering Brown university , I amazed the admissions officer with my knowledge of over 30 languages and my in-depth critiques of various political manuevers. I then knew that I was guaranteed admission.

Chapter 37
I then set my eyes on acceptance to Dartmouth, knowing that I would be a near-lock for Brown. In doing this, I felt it was the perfect excuse to do more shopping. However, I looked that I had no more room for ties, so I bought a new suit. I finally decided I was done shopping. So I was off to New Hampshire for my Dartmouth visit. I began to wonder if there was a point to continuing all of my college visists, seeing as how I had an array of choices to choose from. On my way to New Hampshire, I began to ponder canceling my interview 1 hour before it was set to commence. I ultimately decided to call my friends and family. I was frustrated after getting voicemail the first 20 times, so I gave up hope on contacting them. I then decided to enjoy my surroundings and do something. I decided to stop going to interviews, for I didn’t need to anymore. I had decided where I wanted to attend. Harvard it was, after all this was the only school that offered me the prestige that I was entitled to, although it could have been more world-renowned. I humbly decided to tell my friends and family where I was going, even though I felt I was entitled to create my own university. However, I decided being humble was weak, and I felt like Harvard needed me desperately, so I called the adcoms on January 6 asking when I should arrive. They told me to arrive early because they wanted to reward me for choosing their school. I then flew to Boston to begin my presentation of myself to the Harvard community. I wasn’t sure what to say or who to thank.

Chapter 38
Realizing that I was the only one who got me to this point, I sent myself roses and chocolates. After eating the candy and putting the flowers in a vase, I asked myself why I didn’t buy another car. I decided to buy the car in Boston, that way I can have a dorm-warming gift to myself. I felt that this was a necessity, especially since Sarah kept on using my car! I began to question Sarah’s use in my prestigious, entitlement-full life. I felt that it was time to break up with her, and hire a new assistant that wouldn’t take advantage of me. But I put it on the backburner because Harvard was more important. Acknowledging this, I decided I should focus on what I was going to wear. Prior to doing so, I ate a Boston Creme Pie. I have always loved pie, so I bought 80. I realized that I needed a commercial fridge to store all of this, so I whipped out my Blackberry to complete the task. After ordering the best fridge money could buy, I decided I wanted another phone. So, I bought a Vertu phone and looked at my glorious Viking double fridge. I felt that with my pie and new phone, I was ready to go to Harvard. I walked onto Harvard Square, making my ego sky rocket, and inspire me in undescribable ways. I felt that I possessed more intellect than all of those around me. I walked up the steps to my dorm room. I had requested that I have an individual room that would accommodate all of my beaver friends when they visited. However, I was denied my request. I became infuriated and ultimately demanded I acquire my own room with a significant amount of space.

Chapter 39
My initial request was denied, so I decided to pull out my checkbook. I felt that if my words couldn’t do anything for me, perhaps the people would be more motivated by my money. I was told to meet the President of Harvard the next day at 12:32.28 PM sharp; Harvard people are so precise that they meet at specific seconds. I realized this was serious. Taking it somberly, I arrived precisly punctual. As I sat down, I acknowledged I was the only one in the building. I then found my interviewer’s office. No one was in the room and on the desk lay a stack of papers with all of the room assignments. He finally showed up, and we discussed where my beavers could reside. We eventually settled on the decision that they could come to the school every other day. I walked away beaming with confidence. After compromising, I decided to focus my attention on preparing for the first day of school. I walked back to my dorm. I didn’t know where to begin.

Chapter 40
I decided that unpacking my bags would be a good start. However, I was baffled by where I would put all of my recently acquired suits. I purchased the dorm next to me, for just $100,000. I felt that it was a sufficient price, seeing as how I had accumulated a significant amount of money recently. I moved all of my new suits there. While I was moving all of my suits, I ran into someone. She loved my Armani cologne, custom manufactured. If she liked my cologne, I knew should would like my clothes, and my personality. I decided to ask her out. I wasn’t sure what to say though. Well, I simply said, “Will you go out with me tonight,” and she said yes. I was so ecstatic that I ran to my dorm to call all of my friends. However, I forgot to pack my phone. I also realized that we forgot to decide on a place to go. I then found her outside of my dorm, and ran to her. I asked her if she would go to dinner with me and meet me at a local restaurant. We went in my chaffeured Rolls-Royce to Cheers near Fenyall Hall. As we were seated, I remembered that I left my wallet in my dorm. But, I had a valid credit card with me. Therefore, I ordered the most expensive food item on the menu. I did not mind spending over $5,000 that evening. I also didn’t mind spending an extra $1,000 for ice cream. Even though I misread the bill for the ice cream, I didn’t care that I spent $10,000 on ice cream. It was some of the best ice cream I have ever tasted in my life. The heavenly sweet taste of the ice cream lasted more than a month, and to prolong the taste I stopped brushing my teeth.

Chapter 41
After that night, I decided to buy whitening strips to ensure that my teeth wouldn’t look yellow. I also considered getting veneers. However, after giving this situation serious thought, I decided it was best to go back to brushing my teeth. So, I purchased five tubes of toothepaste. I then decided to purchase a $100 tooth brush to ensure I was receiving the highest quality tooth brush. I then realized that one was for sale next to it for $105.75. The temptation overwhelmed me to the point in which I purchased it. But I purchased both toothbrushes in case I lost one. I felt that with these two tooth brushes, I would have the whitest teeth ever seen. This was my new personal goal. I decided to hire a personal dentist. I interviewed the best dentists in Boston. I decided upon hiring him shortly after. He graduated from Harvard. Despite this though, I knew that I possessed more intellect than him. I secretly thought that I was the smartest person ever. I didn’t need any tests to prove it. So, I declared that I was to the world.

Hey Wartsandall! Yeah, our focus is a project right now. I don’t know about the local free clinics in the Bay Area, but one near me is collecting dental supplies for homeless people. That is our first community service project. We are still deciding what to talk about right now, I kind of am planning the majority of stuff on my own.

Wartsandall · October 7, 2009, 10:06pm