<p>We went on vacation and leaving our son behind because of summer jobs and things worked out just fine. We merely alerted a neighbor to this.</p>
<p>Everything worked out fine.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the extended family thing doesn’t work too well in our case: S has only 2 cousins, one of whom just started her first full time job in NYC and cannot take time off, and the other of whom lives in CA (we are on the East Coast) and is also working this summer. My H’s sister (their mother) also lives in CA and cannot travel much because of regularly scheduled chemo treatments. Not the best situation. We have a very small family.</p>
<p>Our son does spend time with us willingly at home (well, sometimes anyway!)-- it is just going away to this house which causes him to protest. I think we will just have to bite the bullet and wait until he is fully launched in a year to take fuller advantage of going there ourselves. I feel like we will have a challenging enough year ahead as it is and I want to pick my battles wisely.</p>
<p>In the meantime, no, we will not leave him at home alone unsupervised while we are over 4 hours away. In all likelihood it would be fine, but I don’t want to tempt the fates. Bedsides, he can be a little scatterbrained sometimes, i.e. leaving his keys in the front door overnight, leaving the stove on, etc. I think we will tough it out at home, but I am sad.</p>
<p>I will back up cgm here. I would not leave a HS student home alone for that length of time. Overnight, while I was within a short driving distance, definitely. You are liable for a teenager in your home whether you are there or not. Okay, that covers the liability stuff…now what about the part where he is still part of your family.
In a family, there are times members do something they don’t want to do. Parents do things for their kids that they would rather not do (almost daily probably…) Husbands for their wives, etc. Why, as parents, are we all so reluctant to get our kids to be part of the family? Sure, invite along another kid.<br>
Sometimes you do things you don’t want to. Sometimes you do those things and actually end up having a good time in spite of yourself.</p>
<p>I love my own parents (now in their late70’s) with all my heart, but I don’t think I could possibly spend an extended period of time sitting around with them. ;)</p>
<p>One of the issues may be the actual <em>activities</em>, or lack thereof, during the vacation. I know we’d have NO PROBLEM getting our sons to go with us on a winter ski vacation, for example. Or a cruise. Something with lots to do that they enjoy, and something going on all the time. Their energy level is a LOT higher than ours; physically and mentally they need more stimulation and activity all day long.</p>
<p>I remember back when I was growing up- I had two older brothers so we always went on long family vacations. Unfortunately by the time I was in high school, both my bros were in college or done with college, so I was in essense an “only child”. And this occured at roughly the same time my folks started slowing down a little bit, so their idea of a fun vacation was strolling Civil War battlegrounds. We always returned home (hotel) by 4:00 PM so they could start with their cocktails, then finally dinner at 7 or 8, and straight to bed. It had nothing to do with love or obligation or respect…but I could not stand vacations! I vowed two things as a teen- that I would try to have my kids closer together so they had someone to talk to, and that I wouldn’t make them go on vacations where there wasn’t stuff to do that they enjoy.</p>
<p>“I love my own parents (now in their late70’s) with all my heart, but I don’t think I could possibly spend an extended period of time sitting around with them.”</p>
<p>I had to laugh when I was reading this, as I just had a conversation with my own mother yesterday (she is 73.) She and my father invited me to THEIR summer house for several days-- it is in a beautiful location, but there really isn’t much to do and frankly, although I love them both and we are close, it just drives me crazy to be there for such a concentrated amount of time with them. We do much better for an evening or afternoon in a more neutral setting.</p>
<p>So-- this definitely gives me some perspective on our own situation with S.</p>
<p>My kids at 21 and 24 still strive to always get the week off in the summer to join us in annual extended family beach get-together–only 3 cousins, and they are 16, 16, and 8, but they enjoy the aunts and uncles too.</p>
<p>I think the reason we are this lucky may lie in the fact that often it was the most interesting thing going on in the summer. Several posters here have mentioned the kids’ other overseas trips, special summer programs, etc. leading the kid to want to stay home for the remainder of the summer. That kind of stuff was never do-able for us budgetwise, so most of the time, the family get-together might be the only special thing happening in a summer. </p>
<p>Amazing how boredom helps you appreciate the little things! :)</p>
<p>momoschki - We never leave our kids home alone either - even though the youngest is 17. Too many horror stories!
We have the same problem as you - she would rather stay home than go anywhere. I am looking forward to traveling sans kids when they are both at college LOL
Good luck - and know that you have a lot of company.</p>
<p>I am a parent of teenagers- who as of now love spending time with the family. However, just last night I was telling my husband that I still feel guilty for being a young teen and having “fits” for having to do things with my parents ie. the opera, fishing trips, weekend trips, and blueberry picking!! The funny thing…they are all my fondest memories and my children love doing all of those things…well not blueberry picking…but I love it now. I often think how much I would have missed if my parents would have left me home…and in the end (though it took a while) these are the very things I love doing with my kids. Take him, try and do things he would like. I remember my parents taking me to “Denny’s” which was a big deal since it was 1 am and my parents detested that type of food. Kids don’t know everything…though they certainly think they do. Who knows what experiences you may have together that will prove to be special memories later in his life. It isn’t all about NOW! Besides, none of us know how long we have together- as it turned out my dad didn’t get to live past 50. I am so thankful now…they made me go.</p>
<p>The financial aid thread wouldn’t exist if parents had a dollar for every time their teenager yelled “you’re ruining my LIFE” when they made the kid go on vacation/weekend together.</p>
<p>He’s a teenager. He’s been overseas. He doesn’t want to chill with Mom and Dad. </p>
<p>I hear these things pass. Me, I’m still going through it with my 19-year old…</p>
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<p>I have a high energy level. And this is wrong, but quite frankly, I don’t want to spend time with people who will slow me down. I mean, if someone is tired and wants to sleep after even only hour of driving, while I want to bounce from place to place and see literally everything as soon as I get to a destination…
Even a 6 hour flight doesn’t slow me down.</p>
<p>One of mine hasn’t wanted to go on vacation since the age of 4. He doesn’t like transitions. I have distinct memories of him asking us to take him to Gramma’s house instead–as we were on the people mover at the airport. He has always needed 36 hours to adjust to vacation.</p>
<p>My older one is the one who suggests the fantastic family vacation possibilities. </p>
<p>Articulating discomfort in a respectful conversation is not ‘brattiness’, IMO. I never went on vacation with my parents after the age of 14. I didn’t enjoy those trips after that age and I didn’t go. No regrets. Nothing bratty about it. </p>
<p>I’m not a huge fan a big family reunions–although my family has one every other year. I have traveled with my parents overseas a few times. It’s okay, but I’d rather be with H and the boys, frankly.</p>
<p>S (18) didn’t want to go visit relatives. 12 hr. drive. No one his age–all younger cousins. Boring. Would lose income from summer job.<br>
We let him stay home alone to work and take care of yard, pool, pet. I was a little disappointed since grandma has a terminal illness and though she is still in pretty good shape, he may not have an opportunity to see her relatively healthy again.</p>
<p>The bottom line with me is, I’m not happy when I’m around someone who doesn’t want to be there. And whether or not they outwardly express their misery is not the issue. I still know. And I can’t enjoy myself.</p>
<p>Sort of like the end stages of a relationship where you know that special someone doesn’t really want to be with you anymore, even though they’re trying to keep the flame alive. How fun is that?</p>
<p>Or when you <em>force</em> someone onto a roller coaster that you know he/she doesn’t want to go on, and the whole time you’re whooping and hollering and they’re sitting there white-knuckled. Are we having fun yet?</p>
<p>we are talking about kids in HS, and who selfishly don’t want to be with what appear to be pleasant people</p>
<p>why do parents just go sure, you don’t have to be with us, and so what you are 14, eh, your desires of course are more important than family, your wishes, knowing better are more valuable than all else…that is the sense I get</p>
<p>my D love the family times, even if its playing cards together…they are mature enough to understand how important it is to their father, imagine, a teen sacrafising a bit of hanging out to do something for someone else and doing it pleasantly…that is a sign of maturity, a big heart, and a willingness to not always have their way</p>
<p>what a spoiled generation we have, who feel their own wants are paramount to those that raised them…</p>
<p>the other day, I saw my D talking to friends, and they asked her to lunch, she said no, Tuesday’s were the day she and I did lunch…and other D was invited to a weekend away that conflicted with a family event, she volunteered and happily stayed…we didn’t pressure her, in fact we said it would be jsut fine to miss event…</p>
<p>…
and if they pout, they win, you let them manipulate and act like they are back in the terrible twos, is that mature</p>
<p>I am not saying that they must do all events all the time with family, of course not, pick your battles, but if they get their way through whining, pouting, tantrums (and tantrums aren’t always throwyourselfontheground type), and being crabby</p>
<p>valid reason like work, etc, sure, but sometimes parents just need to say, I will take you on this lovely family trip and you can pout all you want, i can ignore it, your choice</p>
<p>My kids aren’t 14; they’re 18 and 19. They are old enough to go to war, vote, work and live on their own, and make a decision about vacation. If they don’t want to go on a vacation that’s their perogative. It’s not like a funeral or wedding (obligatory functions). If anything, it saves us a lot of money to not have to pay the extra food and lodging bills for two adult males who don’t want to be there to begin with.</p>
<p>If my kids WANTED to go to the places my husband and I enjoy, by all means we’d take them. But if they don’t, I can’t blame them for not having the same taste in entertainment as I do. It’s not like asking my kids to go spend the afternoon at the theatre or go out to lunch with me. A vacation is a LONG commitment. As I said before, I enjoy spending time (in small increments) with my folks in their seventies, but I do NOT want to spend a week with them. Nothing personal, and I love them dearly, but I just don’t want to, and they would never expect me to.</p>
<p>cgm, with all due respect, I think referring to the OPs and our children as bratty is sort of extreme and not very nice.</p>
<p>It’s the age of our kids, not just that they are spoiled and therefore bratty. I confess that at the age of 17, the summer before college, my fam went on a trip that I MADE ABSOLUTELY miserable. I am over 50, had 4 siblings (all girls), and until the age of 12 we lived in a tiny 3 bedroom house with one bath. At 12 we moved to a 3+ 1 and a half baths. I worked in HS at McDonalds, in college at Penney’s during the year and waitressing at DisneyWorld summers. I worked drawing blood gasses thru med school. I got through college and med school on aid and loans, parents did not pay a dime. I was the oldest, and they had none to pay. It was no big deal. We were not spoiled nor were we bratty. My dad had a business trip in CT and we had lttle money for vacations. So we made a business trip fun, and we stayed by the shore and took in the sights. We went to Mystic, ate out and had picnics. And I was the biggest jerk. I hated being in CT, going to Mystic. I remember telling my sister that this was the dumbest place in the world to go. I made everyone miserable the entire week. My folks then dropped me off to an NSF 6 week summer science program, and I am sure they were glad to get rid of me for a time. </p>
<p>I have felt guilty ever since!!! I don’t know why, but I was miserable and made everyone else miserable that summer. And it was way out of character for me. It was age, hormonal, what ever. My folks had a nice, hardworking teen that didnt give them attitude. But that summer, over that trip, I did.</p>
<p>With my kids, it’s not a matter of them acting out- they don’t. I just know they’re bored. They don’t act like <em>themselves</em>. They’re usually laughing, joking, all the time at home together. But sitting around a hotel room and watching them watch TV, or follow me and my husband around listlessly while we “tour a museum” or whatever, is not fun for ME. They’re polite enough, it’s just that I know they’re really not happy and ecstatic like I see them being sometimes at home, which is the way I like them to be! Again, it’s sort of like going on a roller coaster with someone who sits there grim faced and white knuckled. NO FUN. But you can’t blame them for it, can you?</p>
<p>Basically, I want a big happy loud cheerful family. I want my funny boys. If that’s not the way it’s going to be, then I don’t want the vacation- I’d be happier at home.</p>
<p>^^^^Agree with doubleplay. Our boys may be cousins (mine are 17 and 20)! </p>
<p>Every year at Christmas for the last 7 years my boys have given up their Christmas to go visit the grandparents. I mean literally given it up, no waking up at home on Christmas, no Santa, no piles of gifts to exchange, no big breakfast, no going to church on Christmas Eve…all things we loved to do when they were little but due to in-laws health sitaution, we’ve had to give up. Instead they spend it in a cheap hotel, eating the free continental breakfast after a very long car trip. I think they understand family duty pretty well.</p>
<p>I don’t think vacations should be a duty. They are supposed to be fun and if it’s not fun then what’s the point of going at all? Our interests are different now. They’re growing up. It’s to be expected. H and I will just have fun on our own. </p>
<p>p.s. I always hated the trips to visit my cousins and 30 years later, I’m still not glad I went.</p>
<p>I think one reason ours works is that there are no (or almost no) proscribed activities. There’s a beach a couple blocks away, water parks and amusement piers an easy ride away, plenty of bicycles and cars to go around, various family members to hang with and plans afoot at any given time, and they choose what they want to do (the only caveat is that there is a lot of family in the area, so sometimes they need to show up at some dinners.)</p>
<p>Actually, the kids get annoyed when H and I want to do things they don’t want to, like looking at houses–we would like to move there eventually. They complain when they don’t see enough of us–go figure!</p>
<p>Ambivalence is a natural aspect of teen familial feelings. Some teens may still accept mama’s direction about every little thing, cgm, but mine are much older and off on their own and they don’t. They have independent lives and ideas at 18 1/2 and 21. I raised them to be independent and adventurous–so now I should be surprised when they have more exciting alternatives? I’m smarter than that and I remember what it was like to be a teen.</p>
<p>As I said, I stopped going on family vacations at 14. I stayed with aunts and uncles and worked. I was the last thing from spoiled. I cannot imagine what I would have done if my parents had ignored my reasoned requests. Thank goodness they respected by desires.</p>
<p>Now, I don’t go to family reunions because my vacation time is precious. Bottom line? I’d rather do something else, see some amazing country with someone else than get caught up in all the family chitter chatter. That’s me.</p>
<p>Viva la difference!</p>