<p>Once a child reaches 18, I don’t think it’s even up to the parents anymore – at least legally – to “let” or “allow” the child to make his or her own decisions regarding shared parenting time. Custody agreements are not binding on the child, and have no legal effect, once the age of majority is reached. So, the child has the right to decide these things him or herself. In fact, it’s my understanding that once a child reaches 16 or so, it would be very unlikely that any judge would ever enforce a parenting agreement against the child’s wishes. </p>
<p>That said, my son has continued voluntarily to observe our old schedule since he turned 18 in April. My ex and I have lived only about three miles apart since our separation 8 years ago (although I expect that both of us will move in the next year or so, with the house we’ve owned for the last 21 years sold, now that high school is over), so my son’s time has always been split pretty close to 50-50 between us. Of course, especially in the last year or two, when he’s become considerably more sociable, a lot of the time he’s theoretically “with” one or the other of us, he’s actually with his friends.</p>
<p>When he’s home on vacation from college, my guess is that he’ll go back and forth as he pleases, but that it’ll continue to be approximately 50-50 – the details depending, as they always have, on my ex’s and my work schedules, etc.</p>
<p>Much as Donna and others are saying, things have gotten more and more fluid as time goes by and that is fine with me. I think (hope) I am engaged enough in my own work and life to not create one of these suffocating scenarios. I tried to say before that he will be determining this and can appreciate the depth of feeling expressed about parents trying to control a situation they have no business controlling. These messages are good reminders of how damage can be done to relationships and I take them to heart. I was just finding myself wondering how things might change and how I will deal with it…always better to try to be thoughtful, right?</p>
<p>The negotiation of visits between an adult (or college student) and his or her divorced parents is a lot like the negotiation of visits between a young couple and their two sets of parents/in-laws – a situation with which most of us are familiar. It takes a lot of tact and understanding on all sides to handle such situations successfully.</p>
<p>I think it also helps to remember that things can and will change over time. When my parents divorced when I was a child, my father did not get custody. He bitterly resented the decrease in the amount of time he had with my sister and me. Yet, a few decades later, he turned out to be the only grandparent who had a significant relationship with my children – because of his interest in them, because he lived fairly close to where we lived, and because he outlived all the other grandparents by at least five years even though he was the oldest of all of them. He may have lost out in the parent department, but he made up for it quite a bit in the grandparent department.</p>
<p>I’m a student, but let me tell you how things happened to work out for me.</p>
<p>My mother had custody of me and lives a few hours away from where I’m planning on attending (she lives in VA). My father lives in Maryland but much closer to the school I’ll be attending.</p>
<p>I see my father a few times a year, but since my college will be much closer to him, I plan on spending the short 3 day weekends and the such with him, the longer holidays at home with my mother. </p>
<p>Does that sound fair to both of them? I don’t want to end up ignoring one of my parents, but I want to reestablish my relationship with my father (we talk a lot on the phone, but it’s nowhere near the same).</p>
<p>My parents are divorced and live in different states. I switch every Christmas. For example this year I’ll probably see my dad because last year I saw my mom. Spring and Thanksgiving work the same way. In the end my mom sees me twice a year. That doesn’t seem like a lot when you have been living with your mom your entire life, but it really hasn’t been that big of a deal. If your kid has a solid relationship with each of his parents established that is separate but equal like mine, it all works out.</p>
<p>A friend of mine rotates his holidays each year. One year he will spend Thanksgiving with his father and Christmas with his mother, then the next year will spend Thanksgiving with his mother and Christmas with his father.</p>
<p>As both a child of divorced parents and one who divorced and blended and is dealing with this, let me just say that with college age kids the worst thing you can do is impose any sort of guilt or demand.</p>
<p>I am still grateful for my mom who, in spite of a lot of other things she got wrong, never guilted us about coming home. If we came home she was thrilled, but if I said “hey mom, I’m going to Mexico for Christmas” she was totally excited that I would have the opportunity to see Mexico and not a speck of sadness or guilt about shouldn’t I be home for Christmas or see grandma or whatever. If I chose to stay at Dad’s she was happy, and I know from talking to her later it bothered her but really, dad had a pool and a rec room and a fully stocked bar and it wasn’t anything personal it was where was the more comfy place for me and a bunch of friends. </p>
<p>Kids at this age are very into separating from family. Be graceful about that and you will find once they grow up you will reap the rewards. Give them a hard time and you will spend their '20s repairing the damage.</p>
<p>D lived with her dad and me (stepmom) fulltime before college, and her mom lived across the country. Once D started college she chose where she went and when, and we supported her choices. Like another poster said, as she went along, she often chose to spend time with friends rather than at her mom’s or with us. Will say that the financial arrangements were tough but basically we ended up deciding that we would pay for all travel to see us or friends and her mom would pay for travel there. Giving her lots of say while still respecting our need to know what was up so we could schedule our own lives worked well and she is now a young adult - with her younger brother soon to head off to college.</p>
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