Wanting Desperately To Go To College

<p>Sky You go to college! I had a mother like yours. And for me it only got worse. (This is not necessarily how it will be for you.) Whatever I did wasn’t enough. Your mother has to make her own life. You have every right to make your own life. She is not your responsibility. She seems to be setting it up to isolate herself from everyone but you. A self fulfilling prophecy for her. </p>

<p>I realized that mine had/has some emotional problems, putting it mildly. And that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. I had to divorce her like some people divorce spouses.</p>

<p>You will find your way. But you won’t do it by staying home and not going to colege. My thoughts and prayers are with you.</p>

<p>I found this information about Berea on a very informational blog that I frequently read (I also know the blogger). Since CC doesn’t allow links to blog, use Google to get to the blog. Based on the below, it seems that probably no college in the country would better meet your needs than Berea, which even has experiences with students whose families are reacting negatively to their going to college. Also e-mail the blogger, Carolyn, for more info. Although not around CC much now, she has been a great help to many here, particularly first gen college students.</p>

<p>"Hidden Gem: Berea College
While “elite” schools like Harvard and Princeton struggle to figure out how to attract - and retain - low income and minority students, a small college in Kentucky has been successfully doing so for over 150 years… Berea College is dedicated to providing educational opportunity, primarily to students from the Appalachian area, “who have great promise and limited economic resources.”… </p>

<p>I recently asked Joe Bagnoli, Berea’s Associate Provost for Enrollment Management, who himself graduated from Berea,some questions about Berea’s unique mission and educational experience. </p>

<p>Joe, as a graduate of Berea yourself, can you describe your experience as a Berea student and how your Berea experience shaped your life? </p>

<p>My brother, who was the oldest of six boys, found Berea when he was visiting a nearby college as a senior in high school. …By the time my brother and mother returned home, the decision for him to attend Berea had already been reached. I followed him one year later and our third brother enrolled the following year. We all left Berea debt free and immediately enrolled in graduate or professional school programs. </p>

<p>My older brother went to medical school and eventually became chief resident for physical medicine and rehabilitation at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. I earned a Master of Arts in Student Personnel Services for Higher Education and currently serve as Associate Provost for Enrollment Management at Berea, following a five-year term as Director of Admissions. My younger brother was admitted to every physical therapy school at which he applied and chose to attend the University of Louisville, where he was the only Berea alumnus in the program. Competing against students from “big name” schools, he graduated as the valedictorian. He credits Berea for his academic success at the University of Louisville. I have just scratched the surface. The previous facts may be impressive to some of your readers, but as for how Berea has shaped my life, a much deeper story must be told. I’ll do that as briefly as possible. </p>

<p>I attended 12 years at parochial schools before coming to Berea. Almost everyone I knew looked and talked a lot like me and came from a similar religious, racial and cultural background. It wasn’t until I arrived at Berea that I realized there were such differences in perspectives, values, priorities and people. During those four years on campus, encounters with the wide variety of individuals here changed me forever. It was like part of a peninsula breaking off and floating into the ocean without any possibility of a return to its original state. Many more than I can recall were responsible: my roommate who challenged my Catholic heritage; my professor who encouraged me to redefine gender roles; my African American friend (the first I had ever encountered more closely than in passing on a sidewalk) who helped me learn my notes in choir; the remarkably intelligent physics major with a long beard and thick southern drawl; the Mexican girl who was both grateful to study in the US and committed to giving as much to those around her as she received; the guys on the tennis team who broke patterns of conventional wisdom that suggested the strongest players were always the most popular, had the bravest hearts and were the most likely to attract women.</p>

<p>I discovered that so many things I had always believed to be true were simply figmants of my imagination. Catholics are not the only religious people in the world. Men are not the only people capable of balancing work and family life… …</p>

<p>Berea didn’t just train my brothers and me for the job market; it redefined who we are and how we understand the world in which we live. For an Italian Catholic who was so tightly bound to his family of origin, I have come to see all people as my brothers and sisters; to see myself reflected in their faces, hearts and minds. I am capable of the same virtues and vices possesed by those whose environments have shaped decisions that uplift or diminish those around them. But like every Berea graduate, I am assigned a responsibility to lead others to such an awareness. Many Bereans heroically accept that responsibility where they live and work. </p>

<p>Many “top” universities talk a great deal about access for low income, underserved students, but yet seem to have had relatively small successes in terms of really opening their doors to this population. What lessons could these universities learn from Berea, both about attracting these students, and insuring that they are successful in college? </p>

<p>While exceptions certainly exist, I believe some generalities can be observed in this population. Those of modest means tend to place a great deal of value on personal relationships. Building relationships with the entire family is often necessary to communicate an interest in the well-being of the prospective student. They are a package deal - even when the family has the proclivity to hold the student back from reaching her fullest potential. </p>

<p>Once enrolled, a partnership with the parent(s) is a helpful source of support to the student. Success in the transition or the period immediately following matriculation is important to the retention of underserved students. Early feedback, peer mentorship, good advising, and lots of affirmation are helpful to students who have not inherited the family roadmap to a degree. …</p>

<p>Academically, what are Berea’s particular distinguishing strengths?</p>

<p>What distinguishes Berea’s academic programs from others is the combination of a rigourous disciplinary approach to majors with a broad general education program combined with a good deal of opportunity to pursue electives of interest. Additionally, the Berea Term Abroad program provides a significant financial incentive for approximately 1/2 of Berea students. We provide a laptop for every entering student and offer a number of service-learning courses that make connections between the traditional classroom and a community agency. "</p>

<p>It sounds like your mother has reversed the parenting role. It is her job to take care of you, not the other way around. It sounds like it has been going on since your were a child, and it is wrong and damaging that she has put you in this position. </p>

<p>From your description of her behavior, she seems very difficult and irrational and she may escalate her needy and manipulative behavior in the future. You can try to set things in place for her if it eases your mind that she’ll be okay in your absence, but her health and happiness are her responsibility, not yours.</p>

<p>Clearly, you love and care for your mother, but you have a right to pursue your own aspirations in life, too. If she’s incapable of understanding that, if she believes it is appropriate to put her own fears and anxieties ahead of your best interest, then she needs psychiatric care, and you are not equipped to attend to her mental health needs.</p>

<p>You will make your own decision, of course, but I would agree with the other posters in saying that you should head off to college this fall (I think you would later regret it if you did not) and that Berea sounds like a very good idea. Good luck. Keep us posted; maybe we can help you in some way. At least we can give you moral support.</p>

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<p>This situation is too stressful. It is not right that a high school aged student is having to deal with this alone.</p>

<p>You also may want to contact Berea to get advice now on how to cope with your mom. They may also be able to reach out to her and offer her some emotional support and guidance, which may make both of your situations better.</p>

<p>It is really your personal decision. My DW had the same situation. She graduated HS with excellent stats (you all know where our DD got her genes), got a 100% Full ride to attend NC State. Her Mom said no and she stayed home. She went to a local CC and worked part time to support her school and family. </p>

<p>It is a tough decision and I feel sorry that you have to deal with it.</p>

<p>I read through all these posts to see if anyone had suggested that your mom sell the house and move into assisted living.</p>

<p>My mother, who had emphysema and was very difficult, moved into assisted living after NONE of her five children (myself included) accepted her “offer” to move in with us and give us all the remaining money in exchange. Instead, she found an assisted living community and bought an apartment there. </p>

<p>If your mother is truly disabled, she should be receiving $$ from social security. If you sell the house, she can use those $$ for her assisted living facility, and her social security dollars to pay the on-going fees.</p>

<p>Assisted living is NOT a nursing home. It is a self-contained facility for those who want assistance with daily living. My mother’s facility had a central restaurant with three meals a day, regular community activities, weekly house-cleaning, and a nursing home on premises for those who briefly needed additional car.</p>

<p>Your mother’s doctor may well be aware of assisted living facilities in your area. Here in western Washington, I know of three or four within a ten mile drive of my house; they are becoming more common everywhere as the baby boomers age.</p>

<p>My advice: tell your mother you will be leaving. Give the date you’ll be leaving. Tell her you will spend the next few months helping her to set up a support network. Perhaps her pension will cover having a visiting nurse come in once a week? Can Meals on Wheels be arranged so that she has good food regularly? Is there a local grocery store or milk delivery service that delivers once a week? </p>

<p>Instead of giving in to your mother’s demands, think of how to replace the services you provide. If you go to church, ask your minister for help. If you don’t go to church, ask your doctor’s office if they can recommend someone to help. You may have an “elder council” in your area; they can help you find those services.</p>

<p>Instead of being emotional, be practical. Think how a disinterested uninvolved person would solve the problems you’ve presented: your mother needs someone to cook for her, wants regular company (would she like a cat?), and is depressed. If you weren’t there, how would a social worker help with those issues?</p>

<p>Sky Girl, I rarely weigh in on please help me make up my mind threads but Berea is the golden ticket. Your mother will survive without you and ultimately you will be better able to help meet her needs as a well-educated college graduate. There’s nothing wrong with Ramapo either but I don’t think they could provide you with the personalized support you would get at Berea. Parents frequently have to use tough love, you need to use that with your mother right now. I fear if you stay home and go to CC she will only become more needy and eventually you’ll end up missing class because she’s upset.</p>

<p>There also should be an agency in your area that provides free or low cost services to disabled people. Connect your mom with it, and encourage her to use their services.</p>

<p>Your mom is an adult, and you should not have to do all of the work of lining up assistance for her. I agree with those who point out that the parent-child roles have been reversed. From what you’ve posted, it doesn’t seem that your mother is mentally incapable of finding help for herself. She just has gotten used to depending on you and wants that comfortable relationship to continue. You can help her by teaching her how to take care of herself, and providing her with a list of resources that offer services to people like her.</p>

<p>I know people who are extremely disabled – blind, deaf, cerebal palsy, multiple sclerosis, who manage to live alone and care for themselves.</p>

<p>Realize that if anything happens to you (and illnesses, accidents, death can come to anyone at any age), your mom will have to take care of herself, so by encouraging and allowing her to do so now, you’re giving her essential skills that could help her live comfortably whatever the future holds.</p>

<p>I called our local Agency on Aging to ask if they provide services to disabled people your mother’s age. They told me they don’t provide services till age 60, but if you have trouble finding out what is available in your community for disabled people, your local AoA would know where to refer you. To locate the phone number of the one here, I looked in the “Government Section” of my phone book, under the listing for my county government. From there I looked for Agency on Aging. I could also retrieve the info by googling ______ County Agency on Aging.</p>

<p>I hope you don’t mind if I state a strong opinion that Berea is the school for you. I have met many graduates in my life…all extraordinary people of character who have real loyalty to their school. Some of them had very humble financial beginnings but their educations took them places after their years at Berea. Alum support will be lifelong. Although they are a Christian school, they are very ethical and welcoming to other faiths, and the school has a good ethical core. Their entire focus is to support the “whole person” in a student, and you could use this kind of support. In my opinion, college is also a time for finding adult mentors who can compensate in some ways for deficits you had in parenting when growing up. This is true really for every students as no set of parents, no matter how good, have all it takes to guide their children in every realm of life. You need good adults in your life from age 18-22 before you start your independent future.
Berea is well known for having a strong community and for making sure its students get their chance in life.</p>

<p>At the same time, Berea would benefit from having a student of your academic caliber, and it is highly likely that if you work hard…you would garner support and attention from your premed professors.<br>
Berea has name recognition at least in the states where I resided as an adult…Tenneseee, Georgia, South Carolina and Virginia, West Virginia. Obviously, the college is also well known in the more central US states as well. I can vouch for the fact that the college is known and appreciated in the places I mention. I have Appalachian roots.</p>

<p>I agree that you need to step out and put some hours to seek a caseworker in your community. You cannot be your mother’s caseworker but you may have to do the initial reaching out for help and services even though she will resist and refuse to cooperate or participate. Get out there and make some appointments. Think about what you find, and don’t get too discouraged…go to more than one place to do “information gathering.” In social services, it is not what you know but who you know sometimes. Some intake workers are more helpful than others. Present some options to your mother when you have had the chance to look yourself a bit. Tell her you will go with her to see a caseworker or intake worker. State firmly in front of any caseworker and in front of your mother that you plan to attend college but you want your mother to be safe and to get her basic needs for security addressed. You will have to learn to ignore a great deal of her manipulations. You may benefit from 6 -8 appointments with your local sliding scale counseling center this summer. Seriously. You could use some support as you work toward leaving.
Communities are very differently funded with services. Housing and waitlists vary from town to town. Your mother must learn to face her senior years on her own two feet with proper support, and you cannot fill this void in her life. You must have the opportunity to grow to your own potential. If you get more personal fulfillment, you may have the strength to be able to cope with your mother’s dependency issues better down the road. You should consider going with her to your local community mental health services office to set up an intake appointment and to get their opinion on your mother’s needs for counseling and medication, and to get some counsel yourself. It is difficult to wade through these agencies and it is easy to get discouraged.<br>
However I think some kind of subsidized housing might be out there for her with a few support services built in. I would suggest you go to your United Way in person, your Council of Community Services and ascertain which agencies would assign someone to meet with you so you can get an overview of services in your town, and have your mother assessed. Housing sometimes has a very long wait list if federally subsidized. </p>

<p>In my own family, an adult cousin commited suicide a few years ago, leaving his 80 year old difficult, chronically mentally ill and isolated mother behind. He had been very burdened by her mental health problems and he had other financial/vocational failures of his own.<br>
I can report that the local subsidzied housing took her application and after reviewing her circumstances, she was allowed to move into her own subsidized apartment quickly, above others on the list. Her age of course was a help. She is actually happy with her apartment and with the organized outings like buses for shopping offered to residents. She has a kitchenette and means to get to church. She can afford to live there and is safe. How I wish my cousin had considered finding these services for his mother when he was 45 years old…but he felt isolated and alone. He didn’t know how to get out and ask for help and investigate what was available.</p>

<p>I want you to have your chance to build a “family” for yourself at college and to get some counseling for yourself to help you cope with your mother.</p>

<p>Yes, services for the disabled vary based on the community.
I have a friend who is disabled and 52, and qualifies for a very nice $80 one-bedroom apartment and transportation to the hospital a 2-hour drive away where she has treatments every couple of months. </p>

<p>She lives by herself, and has no family within at least a 12-hour drive.</p>

<p>It is possible for disabled people to live alone and to get the services that they need.</p>

<p>SkyGirl,</p>

<p>Chiming in to say I hope you are taking a second look at Berea. It sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. </p>

<p>I love CC because of threads like this. Thank you to all for reaching out to help this young woman.</p>

<p>Since your mom’s in the same house as when her husband was alive and you grew up, it might also be holding her back, just looking around at all those memories. As well, it’s likely expensive to pay the property taxes and utilities, solo, even if there’s no more mortgage. Some people sit too long in their houses. </p>

<p>My mom was in a similar situation because my Dad passed on 3 years ago. It’s taken her 3 years but she’s decided to sell the big, lonely house this Spring. With that, she’ll have enough to move into a smaller apartment that she can maintain, closer to other people. She’ll be much safer if she needs to call on anyone. She doesn’t even need Assisted Living yet, but an apartment’s a lot easier than a whole house to run.</p>

<p>That decision has helped her move forward in her thinking, and not cling to the past. We’re all (my brothers and I) helping her move this summer. After a while, it’s no great benefit for a widow to live in the old family house. If she gets a one-bedroom, or perhaps two-bedroom apartment, and you assure her you’ll still come to visit her (in the guest bedroom or living room couch), she’ll have a chance to move where others are nearby.</p>

<p>My mom thought the old house was consoling her, but after 3 years, it no longer was. It was just holding her backwards.</p>

<p>In case that helps you think about some options for your mom. We expect that the sale of my mom’s house will finance many years of apartment living. You could even run a garage sale for her this summer, and split the money from all that dusty old stuff.</p>

<p>Hey guys :slight_smile:
Thank you for all the recent information and advice through these posts and IMs. I read them through couple of times just to make sure I didn’t miss vital info.
The minute I settle my college deposit next week, I will start to deal with my mom’s worries. I also have research project, (miraculously I got this chance during my gap year or else I will be bored as hell without any major studying to do), to submit this month and I am way behind on schedule. Well I hope I my project proposal turns out decently.
So both schools are great. But it all boils down to some important questions I have and which only the schools can answer. Since both are terrible e-mailers, I just have to talk them personally. My choice of college will depend on the answers I get.
Since I grew up in a small town, felt like I lived in a bubble, I am hoping my college experience will be challenging, different, etc. I hope I find it!</p>

<p>“Since I grew up in a small town, felt like I lived in a bubble, I am hoping my college experience will be challenging, different, etc.”</p>

<p>I grew up in a small town, so can speak from experience. Wherever one goes to college – even in one’s hometown – will be challenging and different. By it’s nature, the college experience is different from high school. Much more independence is required of you. You also have to adapt to many different types of people, and taking more responsibility for yourself in terms of your academics.</p>

<p>You have a very thoughtful way of making decisions that will serve you well wherever you go.</p>

<p>I hope you’ll keep in touch with us parents on CC because your leap into the unknown is exciting, and it would be nice to hear about your college experiences. There also are lots of parents here who care about you and would be glad to continue offering you support, encouragement, advice, empathy, and cheers during your college experience.</p>

<p>Skygirl, I’ve been following this thread and wanted to wish you all the best. You have an ideal combination of compassion and wisdom – it was most intelligent of you to reach out. Continue to do so if/when you need. </p>

<p>I am very excited for you – best of luck!</p>

<p>I’d ask about typical grade distribution in organic chemistry, math classes, etc. for the school with the scholarship. I’ve read enough about how many of those classes tend to weed out students to be concerned about keeping up that 3.3 for the scholarship while working. Good luck with the research project!</p>

<p>Berea is a great, great school, with a HUGE endowment, all of it coming from distinguished alumni, not one of whom could have their own children attend as legacies. That says something! Given the limited pool of students they allow themselves to draw from, they are about as restrictive in admissions as the Ivies. </p>

<p>I’ve never met an unhappy graduate.</p>