Good for your son! At a regional New England track meet, my son’s 4x800 relay team was doing great. DS was one of a couple of lead runners Going around a curve, he got jostled by the other runner and DROPPED THE BATON. OMG, it was so sad. They really had a chance to win the race and advance. His teammates were kind (they pointed out they had always done so well there was never a runner close enough to do any jostling), but it was really hard on DS. I don’t think he handled it as well as your son did!
I’ve never told my Ds that hard work always pays off. It doesn’t and I’m not sure why any parent would tell their kids that.
@MaineLonghorn I think kids that truly love being goalkeepers have a different mindset than other athletes. Compartmentalization is a necessity for them. My son guards a net that is 8 feet tall and 24 feet wide. Sometimes he’s left alone, the last line of defense, to keep the ball out of that 192 square foot frame. Keepers that can’t put failures behind them probably aren’t keepers for very long…
“I’ve never told my Ds that hard work always pays off. It doesn’t and I’m not sure why any parent would tell their kids that.”
However many parents do tell their kids that hard work is an unambiguously good thing and the more you work the better your chances of success. And the structure of high school and college certainly emphasizes that success comes more through hard work than raw ability because the US educational system mostly eschews high stakes, long tail testing in favor of continuous assessment. But there’s a need to recognize when just working harder is never going to be enough to succeed, and I think those hard nosed judgements are sometimes lacking (who says to their child “sorry kid you’re just not talented enough to make a living as an artist”?).
The other side of the coin is that sometimes working harder is the opposite of what you need. Inspiration, such as to solve a hard problem or make unanticipated connections between things, can often come to you when you’re relaxed and doing something else. That’s why I did my PhD in the bath 
@mathmom. YES!!! My son played since like 4th grade through high school. Chess teaches “many” life lessons. His coaches told him over and over “the more you lose, the more you learn to win” and its so true. Plus even when you lose you have to shake the other person’s hand. That in it self is such an important lesson for an elementary school kid to know. As a coorelation I think my son was able to handle the wins /loses of applying to college much better. It just didn’t phase him to much when he didn’t get into “x” college. He had many he did get accepted into. His reality was why get upset or think about it till you know the schools you have to choose from. Then just pick a college that you can afford from the accepted list.
For many the the process is more of the journey than the outcome.
Maybe we’re teaching kids too rigid of a view of success–that unless they get exactly what they think they want at the beginning of their journey, they’re a failure, rather than finding pride in just going for the gold ring and doing your best, even if the goals change. Understanding that hard work doesn’t always guarantee success in the way you want builds humility, character and resilience, but it will guarantee success of some kind. My son is an actor–it’s a brutal field. His mentor gave him fantastic advice early on: “the degree of effort you put in has to be proportionate to your talent. The more talented you are, the harder and smarter you have to work, because if you are capable of making it to the top, all the other actors at every step up will be just as talented and smart as you are. You will have to surpass them to move forward, and then you will need luck.” It’s the idea that you can’t make it without incredibly hard work, but that there are no guarantees. You have to be open to other opportunities, and you’re not a failure if it doesn’t work out. The smart, working actors I know see different paths to success. They get degrees (with manageable debt) and learn their craft–not only to become better artists, but because a degree opens other doors. If acting doesn’t work out initially, they get a MFA, which not only enhances your training and may help you make industry connections, but it also opens doors to other careers, like teaching or directing on a university level, or working behind the scenes in the entertainment industry. Work hard, do your best, work smart, but learn to be flexible with your expectations and goals.
@NorthernMom61 Your point “Persistent effort is a special thing” is great . I am going to have to share that with my kids. Love it,
Our S has worked hard at the skill of figuring out the appropriate amount of work for the task.
When he was in 6th grade and playing basketball with the boys in his class, I asked him why he didn’t want to try/work harder to be a starter for the team. He patiently explained he honestly didn’t really WANT to be a starter. He DID want to be 2nd string, which he achieved.
It was the same for band. He didn’t want to be 1st chair trumpet—2nd chair was fine and didn’t require him to max himself out over what he considered a pleasant hobby. The 1st chair had private lessons, youth symphony, and more. S didn’t have extra energy to spare on all of that.
I think it’s useful for folks to figure out how to balance competing interests in ways that make sense to them. This helps them avoid burnout and make careful choices of their available options.
For hard work to pay off, you also need a lot of luck. Luck and fate play a big part besides effort.
It made a lot of sense when S explained he wanted to be 2nd string—you nearly always were able to play in games to relieve starters but had much less pressure and there were lower expectations on you than the starters.
He also explained that the starters REALLY wanted it. S was just playing to be social and because he enjoyed basketball for fun. He didn’t want to stand in the way of the guys who really wanted it when for him, it was just for fun in playing on the school team. He played more seriously in the community league sports. It was clear he had put a lot of thought into this and made a choice he was happy with.
This is why I have always believed and taught my kids and athletes I coach that it is necessary to have multiple goals along a path, success can not be measured simply by hitting a pie in the sky goal.
I had an athlete for the past 4 years who came in as a very green freshman that I never really expected too much about. I had known him for several years and did not see the drive or personality required to be elite, but he had his goals and worked towards them. His goal was to qualify for the state meet before he graduated, something his sister had never done. His family is very competitive amongst themselves (unhealthily if you ask me) and he was the youngest so it was the way he could “win” in the family.
His first two years he worked hard and had advanced further than I ever expected. His junior year he saw that his goal was becoming a reality and really worked hard and despite my initial doubts he squeaked in and reached his goal.
Unfortunately once he hit his goal he was done. He had the opportunity this year to really perform well at the state meet but he was done. He showed up, practiced at half effort and never got into competition shape. Ultimately he bailed out on his team and skipped the sectional meet as he just didn’t care to continue. As a coach this was incredibly disappointing but he was happy. He hit his goal and “won” the family competition, he has no regrets.
This also helped solidify my belief that in addition to having smaller achievable goals along the way their does need to be a pie in the sky goal. This may not look the same for everyone. For some it may be the Olympics, for some a state championship, and for others it may be riding the bench on varsity but whatever it is it should not be a failure if it doesn’t happen because there should be plenty of successes on the way to the stretch goal. Not much different than the super reach schools people apply to.