That’s a great way of educating them when it comes to loans. We were particularly keen for them to appreciate how much each extra $10K left over would be worth to them, in other words how long it would take to save that money later on while working or how many more hours they’d need to work to earn that after tax.
It helped to convince them that applying for scholarships is by far the highest ROI job an 18 year old can do! A 5% chance of winning a $6000 scholarship when it takes 5 hours to write the application is a great hourly rate (and it’s tax free!).
D has got has enough to live on (very cheaply!) for at least 4 years after college due to her full scholarship and can’t believe how lucky she is.
When my kids were little we read The Ditchdiggers Daughters and the siblings were responsible for helping fund the younger siblings, mostly by playing in a band on the weekends. I must have said something along the lines of oh, we should do that, too.
Fast forward several years and my oldest was about to graduate and my middle about to start. She called peppering me about exactly how much it would cost to send her brother to school in the fall, and my answers weren’t specific enough for her. I could tell she was getting frustrated so I asked why it was so important she needed to know the exact figure. “Well, I’m supposed to pay for it!” she said. “What, why?” I asked, then she told me what I’d said when she was little. Apparently, she’d been saving up for her brother’s education during college.
I guess be very careful about what you do say, kids have better memories.
Part of my problem is that I haven’t quite figured out how to guess how much a school might cost.
I’m divorced with 100% custody. I am not sure we’ll be able to get a CSS filled out by my ex, and might or might not qualify for a waiver. On top of that, the schools he thinks he wants to apply to generally give a fair amount of merit, but don’t meet full financial need.
He saw a school over spring break that he really likes. They are FAFSA only, which is good for us. Their COA is $67K which isn’t possible. But they say that 98% of students get university aid, and the average for grants + scholarships is $33K. $34K would be doable for us.
Another school he likes on paper, and that we plan to see this summer is the CSS is optional but recommended. I don’t know what that means for us. They say that 99% of students get scholarships and/or grant aid.
We didn’t give a hard and firm number, especially with kid #1. We made a list looking toward affordability and merit money and talked about return on investment and allowed some applications out to a few very reachy merit kind of schools (no meets need only schools for us). And then we compared offers at the end of the process. We were always very out with the fact that money was a big part of the process. We kept an organized spreadsheet that we shared in google sheets and it was an ongoing discussion all the time.
We were comfortable paying full freight for state flagships but would have considered some give for an amazing opportunity. But not to full freight at a high end private. After reading pages of faculty bios, walking and touring a couple dozen campuses, engaging with other students, staff, online media, etc campuses seemed more alike than different. We also never felt the need to lay out incentives for picking a cheaper school. Keeping more money possibly gives us flexibility to possibly help later - grad school, wedding, car/house down payment, etc.
One kid ended up at a school in a neighboring state cheaper than our state flagship with an unusual merit scholarship. Other kid is at a private school for just under state flagship price (though further away so travel is more, which is fine). Worked out great so far, kid #1 is a graduate who got amazing job placement. That kid had stats to apply anywhere.
Giving them a firm number didn’t make sense in our situation because we did have some in 529. But we also had some other investment accounds that could be accessed. And we also intentionally paid of our primary mortgage early before oldest kid graduated so we could cash flow quite a bit. We knew we’d be emptying 529s. So we didn’t necessarily have a firm number with #1. The experience with kid #1 definitely informed how we handled kid #2.
Can you take him to schools that have auto merit (or are full price that you can afford) - and you can figure out cost by full tuition minus whatever their grades/test score will provide.
This way you don’t have to worry about your ex.
They may not be the type of schools the student likes, but it gives you certainty vs. four years of - can I get his financials, etc.
We have looked at a bunch of websites. I have not seen one yet that has auto merit, but maybe I don’t know where to look? Can you tell me how you find those schools?
We told both kids they could go where they liked, but if they chose a school with no scholarship, they would be responsible for a very small student loan. Basically, a bit of skin in the game, but nothing that would that would be unmanageable. There would be no case of “you get to keep the difference if you choose public over private.” If they chose the in state public school, they would not have to contribute to their educational expenses. No spending money would be provided, regardless.
Kid 1 chose a private and took out the small loan.
Kid 2 chose public and had the cheek to ask for the difference. Cracked me up. The answer was no.
We have $ saved for all 3 kids and don’t have a budget but our oldest got a very large merit scholarship and our other 2 have asked if they need to match COA. I may do what my brother did (who was full pay for both his kids)…he told them anything above. 3.5 GPA he would pay for but if their grades slipped, there was sliding scale of how much they would owe him each semester. So they had skin in the game too. Only one kid owed for one semester. Lesson learned!
If the schools do not require non-custodial parent information, then you should be able to use their net price calculators to get financial aid and net price estimates.
FAFSA only schools will only use the custodial parent household (where custodial parent is the one providing most of the financial support). Schools using CSS Profile or other forms may or may not require non-custodial parent information – this needs to be checked on the school websites. The second to last column of https://profile.collegeboard.org/profile/ppi/participatingInstitutions.aspx lists which CSS Profile schools require non-custodial parent information, but sometimes the information there is out-of-date or incorrect – verify on the school website.
If the school requires non-custodial parent information, but the non-custodial parent is unwilling to fill forms, then assume that there will be no need-based financial aid. If you ask for a waiver, move the school to the “reach” category if it is not affordable at list price, since getting a waiver approved should be considered a “reach”.
OP…if you have a version of “I’ll pay for this but not that” have that discussion asap. We were full pay
and felt very fortunate to be in that position…but we made it clear that we would pay more for academic rigor…but not for fancier dorms, better parties, closer to the beach, etc.
Guidance counselor suggested a few schools which we said “pass”. I wasn’t going to pay for a second tier private engineering program vs. a highly regarded public U which was significantly cheaper. What were the key advantages to the private U? " A bucolic campus". Nah, not on my dime. Kid can graduate, get a job, live in a forest or a botanical garden. But we had made significant sacrifices to be able to fund college…and it wasn’t for landscaping!
We were also clear “8 semesters”. Kid wants to change majors? Fantastic. Go meet with the advisor and make it happen. Kid wants a break? Terrific.get the Dean to sign off on a plan which doesn’t involve losing credits. We know kids who have dragged things out for years…why not? College is a hoot. But I didn’t want my kids thinking we were a bottomless pit of tuition and living expenses. Our love is forever but our financial support ended the summer after graduation.
Good luck. Transparency now saves you a ton of aggravation later…
We have always shared our financial life with our son and told him from the time he was little that we expected him to go to college and would fund his undergraduate education wherever he chose, but any post-graduate education would be on him. Of course, we couldn’t foresee that he’d choose a service academy and post-grad would be on Uncle Sam. If paying for college had been an issue, though, I fully agree with all the posts emphasizing early discussion and full transparency about financial and any other rules or constraints to avoid any misunderstandings or disappointment later.
My kids had generously funded 529s and could afford to go to any school they chose. But, they were also raised with the philosophy of “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should”. When building their lists, the first column was cost even though we didn’t put any constraints on cost. They both took cost into consideration when building their list. D22 because she didn’t think it was worth a high price tag for her low-paying major when our local state school had a great program. S23 because all of his top choices ended up being large OOS flagships with similar price tags and he didn’t see the point of adding more expensive schools into the mix.
D22 chose a very affordable instate non-flagship that had a great program for her major. She has also decided to commute from home for the next two years because “the dorms are gross” and she will be student teaching so not on campus as much anyway. She received a modest 4 year merit scholarship (their scholarships are low due to tuition being low) and recently received another scholarship based on academics within her major. We let her pocket the scholarships she’s received as the cost of her school is so much lower than what we had anticipated.
S23 attends an OOS flagship. He received the highest merit award which brings it down to about the price of our state flagship. We did not let him keep this merit award, but we did let him pocket other scholarships he received. He recently won a Shark Tank-like contest with a large prize that was applied directly to his tuition. We reimbursed him for that. He also chose to live in the cheapest (though still very nice) apartment complex next year when he moves off campus ($695 + free parking compared to 900+100/mo parking). As my husband says, “That kid is cheap even when he’s spending our money”.
We never made a deal with our kids that they could keep any scholarships they received but decided to let them keep the money as they made financial decisions that saved us a lot of money and DH feels that they’ve “earned” the additional money through hard work so they should keep it. We are spending 50-70% less than we anticipated.
We also still pay for their phone and car insurance. And the money we’ve saved has allowed us to purchase S23 a (used) truck for his summer job. He will barely break even with this job, but it’s a great resume builder and it would not have been possible without a vehicle. Out of guilt, DH told D22 we will also upgrade her car when she graduates although she never would think to ask (she drives the 2004 Carolla we bought for the kids to share when they were in high school), but now that she’s commuting, I’d like to do it sooner so that she has AWD.
I’m so thankful for the great financial planner we’ve been working with since before the kids were born.
We told our kids what the budget was, explained what that meant in terms of school options (we couldn’t afford our EFC, so no meets need schools, and merit aid was their friend) and we then worked really hard to help them find good fit schools that fit the budget, including safeties that were a sure thing. They all ended up out of state, at a private engineering school, an LAC, and a public with a specific program of interest, on big merit scholarships, and met our budget. We also explained what losing a merit scholarship would mean—finishing college at the local state U while living at home—not a punishment, just reality. That was the safety net.
We had set a pretty conservative, no loans budget. All three have finished, scholarships intact and no loans for them or us, and some money left in their college funds, which we gifted to them as a nest egg for the future. They’ve thanked us many times.
Have the talk, be clear and honest and firm. There are lots of good colleges. You can afford some subset of them (some people can even afford all of them). The trick is to find the sweet spot of affordable, attainable for the kid, and good fit.
We were fortunate to be able to tell our two kids there were no financial constraints on the college choices, but that was never in a vacuum. They’re both well aware of their schools’ costs, and appreciative of having no loans to deal with. D19 went to a private institution where she received a half-tuition merit scholarship for all four years (well, it was half-tuition the first year and static for the next three as tuition rose, but close enough). She graduated a semester early because of IB credits, so we told her that we would cover her expenses for what would have been her final semester, regardless of when she found a job. She graduated in December 2022 and had a job by March, so she added our support to what was already a decent nest egg from a past internship. She’s been fully supporting herself (aside from health insurance, family cellphone plan and the remaining streaming services that haven’t cracked down on password sharing) for the past year or so, thriving at work, and still has a decent amount socked away.
S22 is an excellent student as well but didn’t have IB or AP credits to use, and he set his sights on a T30 private that’s notoriously stingy with merit. He got in and has been doing well, and we’ve been paying full freight. He has raised the prospect of graduating early as well, given that he’s done a January term and might be able to compile enough credits otherwise, and we’d have the same deal with him as with his sister. Otherwise, we’d hope for him to line up employment for right after graduation. He and three friends are about to move into an off-campus apartment, and my wife and I are also moving, to an apartment where he’ll no longer have a dedicated bedroom of his own. We all live in the same city, which has been nice. (D19 similarly moved in with three friends during school, and they still share an apartment.)
We told both kids that grad school would be their responsibility, if they want to attend. So far neither has any inclination in that direction. They both picked undergrad majors that should be more than enough for them to do well in their chosen fields — indeed, that’s already the case for D19, who just received a 10% raise after completing her first year of work.
The timing is good because 1) it is where you are now and 2) Junior year will be a time they start to be exposed to college planning through the high school + your student will start to dial in their thoughts with a preliminary list, netting out a their actual list summer before Senior year.
It is a process that takes time, is iterative and can be influenced by their personal level of interest, knowing what they want to do etc. There is only benefit in your student having budget context.
For us, we told them they had a budget of $X or less. Our goal is no loans. They are aware of $$ in their 529 and that if they pick a school less than that - there is opportunity to roll a chuck of that into a Roth (my children have had Roth accounts since they started working at age 14. Meaning, they have context on the benefit).
We have also told them that they will need to pay for their final semester. The rationale on this is 1) they keep saving a % of their paycheck 2) unbeknownst to them, our plan is for us to pay the final semester but then our student will have a chunk of money saved that can be used to buy a car and/or set up their life/place to live once they graduate.