<p>"I think he is going to have to crash before he soars. " AnitaW, that’s another of my fears as well.</p>
<p>Before I go on, I’d like to thank everyone who expressed their best wishes for ds here or in private messages; that means more than I can tell. It’s strange how the kindness of posters on a forum can be so very touching, and it’s very much appreciated.</p>
<p>We don’t know much more about ds’s medical situation. Some new test results look bad while others are encouraging. He had a melt down and we thought it was because of his health but it turned out that he’d made some decisions that he was very conflicted about sharing with us. Now that he realizes we are not going to stand in his way (how could we?) and aren’t going to carry on about his plans, he’s back to being pleasant. Dh & I think that the odds are good that he will end up broke, uninsured and possibly in a medical crisis, but there won’t be much we can do from such a distance. So we’re putting smiles on our faces and acting as if we believe he can handle whatever comes his way.</p>
<p>I haven’t read this whole thread…but our DS will graduate in May. If he can’t find decent paying job, we will pay for his health insurance and Stafford loan payments. He can’t have his insurance lapse due to a preexisting condition and the need for meds monthly and some pretty pricey tests twice a year. While COBRA is about $500 a month…the prescriptions alone would be $200 if he paid out of pocket…so it’s not a bad deal to continue him. We will look into individual policies through our current provider that have the same level of coverage with higher copays for things other than prescriptions.</p>
<p>Our DS is applying for grad school in music performance for fall. He just received first acceptance (yes!) and is waiting on others.<br>
A major reason I’m so happy he’s attending SOMEWHERE is that it does seem he can purchase fairly complete health insurance thru the school. School provides basic ‘health center’ care included in tuition but offers several more comprehensive plans for about $600 per year. Not as deluxe as the cobra on my plan but WAY more reasonable and probably sufficient (covers inpatient and ER,etc).</p>
<p>Stars still favor DS. He’s back from Germany and in the two weeks home has secured a position with his undergrad advisor as employee #1/consultant. This will later turn into a staff position to coordinate activities at an university. I am debating to leave CC since he is done with studies but not out of the academic setting. Its been 6 years since my first post. </p>
<p>DS will need to maintain his personal HI until be becomes eligible for group. At which time I think I should get him to switch to major medical, 50% copay, high deductible…</p>
<p>Brink- Encourage your s to check out government jobs. County jobs are relatively stable with great benefits usually including free insurance and retirement.</p>
<p>My son graduated last year May. He thought he had a job lined up, but with budget cuts etc., the position no longer existed. He came home, did the GRE, and decided to apply to the Peace Corps. He was invited back in December to leave in a few months. I’ ve read in another thread about that unfortunate peace corps volunteer who was killed in Africa. I feel so sad for her family. I have to keep telling myself that that’s not the norm, and pray that he’ll be safe.
On another note, reading the last posts, he does get comprehensive health care :-). He’ll be eligible for fellowships after service and his student loans (all subsidized) will continue to be subsidized while he’s in the service. Also whatever time he serves in the corps goes toward his retirement should he decide to remain in govt. service.</p>
<p>I’d warn against seeking refuge in grad school unless the study is aimed at a specifically employable skill. Too many new BA/BS recipients are mindlessly taking the grad school path thinking “things” will revert. They won’t. </p>
<p>When you find yourself in a hole (even one you did not make) the first rule is : STOP DIGGING.</p>
<p>OP - Not sure what diagnosis your son has, but if there is some sort of national organization such as the American Cancer Society, American Heart Association, etc. for your son’s condition, it might be worth contacting them for insurance information. A family member was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, and we found that the American Cancer Society, had a lot of health insurance information and a wonderful Health Insurance Information Service that provided individual counseling. An advocacy organization for your son’s condition may have similar information or services available. </p>
<p>A great resource that they shared with us is Georgetown’s Health Policy Institute’s Health Insurance Guides at [Health</a> Insurance and Coverage Help for Consumers Everywhere](<a href=“http://www.healthinsuranceinfo.net/]Health”>http://www.healthinsuranceinfo.net/) Insurance laws and Medicaid policies can vary considerably from state to state and these guides explain the health insurance situations in different states and can provide a lot of good information that could be useful if your son is flexible about where he lives. For example, if he’s interested in the DC area, Maryland is much more favorable than Virginia in terms of Medicaid services and consumer insurance laws. [ETA - It appears as if this service is no longer available. Perhaps some googling or contacting the institute directly can turn up older versions of the guides.]</p>
<p>Finally, I think that other posters here are on track in encouraging him to look into state, federal, or local government jobs since they’re more stable than private sector jobs and typically offer very good benefits. If he’s still taking classes, he might want to look in to internship and co-op programs with federal agencies. Programs vary, but some will consider interns or co-ops as employees eligible for internal hire, which makes it a lot easier to hire them on full time.</p>
<p>It’s been nearly two months since I began this thread, and there’s nothing hopeful to report. Ds will soon be moving in w/ a gf he hardly knows in another state and does not even have any interviews lined up there. He has enough money to last out the year if he’s frugal, or about 3 - 4 months at his current rate of spending. Dh and I are heartsick. I made the mistake of poking around online and read some blog comments by the gf (ds is unaware of this.) She thinks she’s hooked a rich guy & is playing him for a fool, bragging about keeping him in line via certain “favors.” His friends & relatives (who don’t even know the whole story) think he’s nuts, but no one can tell him anything. We just hope there’s no “accidental” BC failure to further entangle ds. We never dreamed he could be so foolish. I just hope he comes to his sense before irrevocable damage is done to both his health and his future. Meanwhile, we smile through gritted teeth and hope for the best.</p>
<p>Oh, Brink. That hits me where it hurts with 5 boys. My older ones are suckers that way. Anyway he can come home? I’m glad you know as you will adjust any financial help accordingly.</p>
<p>Cptofthehouse, you asked if there’s anyway he can come home. He’s been home since Christmas. He plays/chats online all night and sleeps all day, except when he travels to see his friends & new gf. He knew our expectations before he came home (re: work) but also knows that dh has been a pushover when it comes to our children, although that’s changing rapidly after the events of the past few months. All we can do right now is hope for an epiphany (preferably before anything dreadful happens.)</p>
<p>Ellemenope, if I could think of a way that didn’t involve showing him the gf’s comments myself, I would. We’ve been on the edge of estrangement, mostly because he makes assumptions about how I might react to things and gets very angry at me when I don’t have any idea what I may have done. Even if I could clue him in, I worry that he’d carry on with his plans out of embarrassment, and not wanting to admit that he made a huge mistake (or wanting to prove me wrong.) </p>
<p>Given the way ds has been spending money since his new gf snagged him on the rebound, I doubt she’d believe that he does not have rich relatives backing him. Unless he quickly lands a job making more than the average starting salary in his field, I don’t know how he will afford the expensive apartment they’ve chosen. I wish that Larry Winget (“Big Spender”/personal finance & responsibility guru) could hit him upside the head with a clue-by-four. He knows better (or was taught better) but has seemingly forgotten. Just pray this doesn’t result in an “accidental” pregnancy.</p>
<p>We’ve offered all sorts of help - counseling, medical, job placement via dh’s contacts, etc. - but no help is desired. So we have to remind ourselves that ds is an adult now and entitled to make his own mistakes. We know (& remind him) that he is extremely intelligent, a quick learner, a hard worker when he wants to be, and can be incredibly charming (when it suits him.) He has the ability to do well in whatever he chooses to do, he just needs to find the motivation and the will to work hard. He developed some slacker habits in college and charmed his way out of too many situations. I worry that he doesn’t see the need to save for periods of un/under - employment when his chronic illness causes problems, or that he needs to build a reserve of good will with his future employer (based on hard work) for the times that he will have to deal with his health issues. Even if we thought it was a good idea to bail him out, we don’t have the resources any more.</p>
<p>I admit it has required medical intervention to keep up the happy face. I quit Rx meds for anxiety & stress nearly three decades ago, but have been back on them - with increasing doses needed - for the past year and a half. Dh’s alcohol consumption used to average 1 or 2 beers or glasses of wine per month. Now he has a drink each evening after dinner when ds returns to his rooms, and his hypertension is much worse. We can’t go on like this much longer and need to change our own responses to the situation.</p>
<p>One of the hardest things to do as a parent–watch your kid go ahead against your advice and better judgment and make mistakes. When they were younger, we could force them to do the right thing–“You’ll go over to Billy’s house right now and apologize!” But not after they’ve graduated from college.</p>
<p>But you and your hubby need to take care of yourselves. You have to concentrate on those things that you can change, and his mind isn’t one of them.</p>
<p>I have a friend going through a similar problem. There’s lots of tears…</p>
<p>I have a lost soul in my family too. It does hurt. How on earth is your S spending all that money on gf? Where is he getting the money? How could he get an expensive rental?</p>
<p>"How on earth is your S spending all that money on gf? Where is he getting the money? How could he get an expensive rental? "</p>
<p>Dh and I were extremely frugal and saved for many years. We were the sort of parents who don’t buy expensive clothes, cars, & stuff for ourselves in order to provide for our children - just like most parents on CC. Despite being qualified to attend other schools, our children chose to attend a state university, and in addition, they earned academic scholarships that covered most of their tuition. So when they graduated, we gave them each a gift of cash that we hoped would be used for some beneficial purpose. We’d all talked about the money coming in handy for grad school, or a downpayment on a condo or house, or a way to launch their own business at some point, or simply a start for their own investment portfolio. The other gift is/was used as expected. This child chose to spend the money on partying, eating out, subsidizing unemployed friends’ entertainment, online gaming, gifts for gf & travel. How they rented the apt., I have no idea. I’m not sure that I want to know.</p>