We were full pay and the kids knew we could afford it. However, we were always thrifty and gave them no spending money so we told them that if they applied for and won those small outside scholarships, that we would give them half the money. It worked they each won somewhere between $1,500 - $9000 and we kept our word. Win win.
@3bm103, we did the same thing with our kid. She applied for and received scholarships to the tune of 25K total that she didn’t know about prior to DH making her this proposition. She got on the ball quickly. The good thing about it was that in order to get the big scholarship, she had to be accepted to a pre-professional organization that requires a fair amount of work but also provides some really good benefits as well. It was a win win for her/us as well.
》》$200/mo allowance《《 B-)
What?? Haha, no offense intended, but that is one big allowance. (From my perspective anyway.) :-j
That “is” not a big allowance. That “was” a big allowance.
BIL & SIL told kids they would pay half of the full tuition rate and that any scholarships the kids received would be subtracted from the kids half.
Comment #27 mentions “some MIT students” are competitive gamers. I am sure there is “some” truth to this statement. However, I know that my son that was accepted EA to MIT was not a gamer, at all. And his method of payment was the NROTC scholarship he earned for MIT (school specific). There are no points awarded on the scholarship application for “gaming” time.
He chose to attend a “meets” full need school where no loans are offered as part of the financial aid application. They did/do however allow outside scholarships to apply to workstudy, student yearly contribution, student summer contribution and are willing to expand the COA to include books, laptops, travel to use as much of the outside awards without diminishing the school’s institutional award. He was even allowed to use the funds to offset other studies elsewhere, to pay for additional tuitions. So his outside awards became very, very significant. Some were small, $100 and another was $30,000 (1 of 6) spread over 4 years. This would have been helpful had he accepted the ROTC scholarships to pay for what was not covered.
My children were told to leave no stone unturned. And they weren’t just helping themselves but each other. They knew how important it was for them as a family, as a member of the team. That we were all in it together.
And the above posters are correct. It was instilled from an early age. Expecting the OP’s son to change in his senior year is a huge stretch. But better sooner rather than later. Allow him to start. baby steps.
My children grew up with the mantra “to whom much is given, much is expected”. And they will all exclaim loudly that I expected much!
Same son with the MIT acceptance for undergrad knew he would be facing the same financial constraints for his professional schools so he prepared and applied accordingly. Scholarships for medical school or business are hard to come by. Scarce to say the least. And yet he was able to not only gain admittance to both schools but was privileged to being awarded both a scholarship and fellowship for his MD/MBA. The journey to and through medical school is long and difficult add to this searching for monies to pay besides your parents and it only adds to the difficulty. But in the end he is not leaving school with a $300,000 debt as others in his situation. Attending a top B school can be very costly and med school’s COA have risen drastically in the last few years.
He likes to think all the practice he got at having to apply to all those small and seemingly unimportant scholarship applications helped him in the long run. Big time.
Kat
As a parent, you all understand my worries. Tbh, it is his attitude, entitlement and laziness. My dh wants to cut him off when he turns 18. It is easier said than done.
"Yes i am working on getting him a job.’
Um. While I understand some help, in reality shouldn’t he be the one working on getting himself a job?
We are also a ‘full pay’ family, who had no chance of any need-based financial assistance, regardless of the school.
Like others we told our children any scholarship money they earned would be theirs, but after graduation…100%. We figured we would likely be willing to help them get started when they graduated anyway, and this way it seems less like a handout.
As for video games, my son also likes them. It’s not my thing, but I understand people enjoy different forms of entertainment. As with anything, moderation is the key. I will voice my displeasure, when I think he is spending too much time playing games.
That said I will not/have not let him play games “under my roof” to which I object…I started that when he was younger and I’m glad I did. There are actually some very challenging, strategic-type games that I think can be worthwhile…in moderation.
Setting expectations early is the best course of action, but it’s never too late. Talk. And be prepared that change probably won’t happen quickly enough for you. I like the above poster’s sentiment…baby steps.
@herewelearn, think about that. As parents you must take some responsibility for setting him up to feel “entitled” no? So, how can “cutting him off” when he’s 18 be a good idea? You have 18 years of providing to start to reverse - cold turkey sounds like a good recipe for disaster - and a harsh dent in your relationship with him.
You have probably a max of 6 months till he starts college assuming he is to be a freshman fall 2016. How about looking for a small behavior change or two now till end of school year and a plan for summer 2016 job expectations?
This might take admitting to your S that you and H might have been amiss in all the “providing” you have done the past 18 years.
i know the head of the physics dept at our community college. he told his kids they would only pay for the local directional state U – if they wanted to go anywhere else, they would have to earn it.
it was enough motivation for his D to earn a premium scholarship at NC State. his son meanwhile has earned an Associates Degree at age 15. so i guess his tactic which seemed a little harsh paid off.
if your son is a senior, it might be too late to apply for any merit based institutional aid. but if he is junior, he might already qualify for automatic merit aid for the following year.
my HS junior son likes his computer games too – but he has qualified for full-tuition scholarships from Alabama and Ole Miss, and is part of a NASA weather balloon project at our community college. my wife can’t stand the games, but I don’t mind him taking a break with some games since he is more than pulling his weight with schoolwork.
Herewelearn, is this the same son who is graduating high school early? Is he not 18 but rather 16/17? This might be part of the issue besides the sense of entitlement.
Is it forged in stone that he must graduate early? I only say this speaking from experience. Same son with MIT/Cal Tech HYP acceptances could also have graduated VERY early. However, high school was not just for his academic exposure but rather his social, physical and community awareness development. He graduated with over 17 AP courses (almost all self-taught) and 8 college courses, so he too ran out of courses especially with us being at a rural, southern public high school. The academics were part of who he would become but not all, hardly all. Being a math/science guy he graduated with years of multiple languages, history, social science…classes he did not like but after immersing himself realized the importance of seeing the “whole picture.”
But more important than his academics was his realization that he was not alone in the world (which can happen to profoundly gifted). He became a varsity 3 sport athlete, leading to becoming captain. He started and oversaw the peer tutoring for math and science that can be really difficult for some of the heavy contact sports. His high school was and still is a heavy free/reduced lunch school so helping his peers in any way possible became very important to him.
This was possible through the gift of time. Of course he was busting to go elsewhere, to be academically challenged to leave others behind. But time, made him realize there was so much more to life than what he could already teach himself. What was his first choice for college (MIT) moveed lower to the list as he began to flesh out more what he enjoyed rather than what he was good at. Math and science came easy to him, languages and history was more challenging but as he became more exposed he made a huge discovery for himself that no amount of college tuition would have revealed:
That you truly grow as a person when you move outside your comfort zone. If that was playing a sport he had no natural talent at (as some siblings were very talented), learning a new language, examining a part of history that was early on deemed soooooooo boring he could grow, challenge, develop and mature no matter WHERE HE WAS.
Maybe if he had graduated early he would not have had the acceptances he gained? Maybe he would have made different decisions along the way, ie taking the IB job he was offered and not attending medical school? Wanting a different residency than what he has applied for? Taking another consulting position from his MBA?
I am so proud of the man my son has become. It was tense at times when I thought he was putting himself through hardship (walking on the college football team, staying on and getting hurt!) but later realizing this too made him who he is.
And I do realize my insistence at giving himself the time to learn more about himself and most importantly, others, has made all the difference.
Talk to him. I know he is jumpy to leave. But “wherever he goes, there he will be”. If he is stuck on graduating, maybe a gap year? But not a gap year gaming, rather a gap year doing something very, very different. The choices are unlimited. And he has the gift of time.
Kat
I vacillated on this. My employer has a fairly nice one-time-only scholarship, and I wanted S to apply for it. I also located a handful of other reasonable-odds ones that were out there. But - he’s in a special “school within a school” that has a college-level seminar one night per week, and is in select choir another night. He’s got a handful of AP classes. He had a special senior retreat to go to this semester, and his seminar had a long, focused project that each kid had to do, along with presentations.
So I took a deep breath and decided that it was enough. Just as I was getting over the pangs of guilt for not at least pushing the scholarship from my employer at him, he was diagnosed with mononucleosis. He’s sleeping a lot, and missed a week of school, so now he’s scrambling to catch up. He doesn’t spend money recklessly. He’s been an authorized user on one of my credit cards for two years now, with the only restriction being “make good choices.” He’s done well.
We can afford his college. One school is offering full tuition; another half-tuition, and a third, a small grant of $5K (not even 10%) for each of four years. Three more to go, and he might get NMF money from one. I hope he’ll apply for a few scholarships next year, when he’s at college and the financial aid offices help with that process. I didn’t expect to pay 100%, but that might be what it ends up being, and we’ll survive it if it’s what ends up happening.
It sounds like he has made good grades, despite the gaming. If he is a second semester senior, with acceptances in hand, it is not surprising that he has “senioritis”. The OP’s definition of lazy may be pretty broad.
With my oldest, I looked into the community and HS scholarships and soon came to find out that virtually all of them were need-based. If a student did not have demonstrated need, they were not eligible. Based on what I have heard (not first hand experience), at many schools, if a kid earns an outside scholarship, it affects their financial aid. It may impact their loan or work-study offering, but is not allowed to be part of the parental contribution.
That being said, we certainly made my son finish the National Merit finalist application which required some information from the school and an essay. That made a big difference in the amount he was awarded at his college. If there is big money on the table, I would certainly push my kid to apply. A job (not always easy to get for a HS kid) would be a great thing. If not a job, then some kind of volunteer work this summer to get him away from the gaming and doing something useful.
There are kids that are addicted to video gaming, just like other addictions. If he truly is gaming and not going his school work, that is of concern. But if he manages his school work and other obligations, but spends his free time gaming, I would not be too worried. At least you know he is not out partying!
You have lots of concerns…the video gaming, the lack of financial contribution on the part of your son, concerns about scholarships (see other thread)…and this student is graduating from high school a year early? Why?
As for video games… Kiddo came back with this one: I’d be happy to increase the amount of time I spend on gaming to the amount of time you spend on CC but I have more important things to do.
Ouch.
As far as I know, most college offer Merit Scholarships automatically. Later, returning students Merit awards may require application, as it was at D’s school. Yes, it is correct that most do not apply to these as they think that they will not get any. Better yet for others! D. received additional Merit award after freshman year based on her college GPA and used it to go to NZ with the organized group from her college. Worked perfectly for her!