“… the best approach is probably for her to relax for a while, then see a bit of counseling and work at an okay job for a while (maybe even a year or two). At some point she will figure out what she wants to do, and will most likely do it very well (whatever “it” is). This will probably at some point imply a return to university or college with a much better sense of why she is there.”
@DadTwoGirls, I really like your last paragraph so I reposted it. OP, give your daughter some breathing room. Let her regroup emotionally by taking time off school & working for a bit. She can always go back, once she’s ready and really wants it.
This site is full of stories about kids whose road to a college degree – or simply a job – is full of twists and turns. It can be very worrying and frustrating for parents. But many, if not most, of these kids find their way.
What is your daughter saying? Surely she has some idea about why she’s struggling. Was the work too difficult? Is she suffering from depression? Is she worried about having to declare a major soon? What does she want to do?
“I love you and we will get through this together.” Repeat as needed.
Allow her to have a few days to sleep and rest before discussing anything serious. Cook favorite foods, watch a silly movie, or other family traditions that will bring you closer.
Appreciate the suggestion of several others that parents should not force the next step or even give a lot of opinions. Allow the student to figure out, with counseling, what they want next step to be and how they will get there.
Our D flamed out in what would have been her final term at the U. She had to repeat the year at our expense with a lot of support from a caring physician who administered weekly treatments to help her physically be able to handle that last term of her final year. Even now, 5 years later, she continues to be under that physician’s care.
It does take a village and will mean the world to your kid to know that you love the kid and will get through whatever it is together. Wishing you and your family the best as you navigate these challenges.
@simba9 – I also crashed and burned in college but my parents were anything but controlling. I don’t have an explanation for why I C&B’d even now other than I simply wasn’t interested in anything that I didn’t want to do. Fortunately, at that time the industry was desperate for microcomputer/PC programming, which was something I was very interested in doing. I see a lot of that type of attitude in D18. DW is the exact opposite: if she needs to do something, she’ll knock it out.
I still dislike slogging through stuff I don’t want to do.
this is all very interesting, but what do you do when the therapy isn’t working, the student is ashamed, the student wants to go back to college but knows they can’t succeed there (at the moment) AND the student doesn’t want to do anything else? yes, i know this is depression (diagnosed) and some other issues. but if there is no progress in therapy and there are no other available psychiatrists, it’s the most painful of dead ends. hopefully OP will not end up there, but it can be a reality. anyone here come back from that?
I also have a friend whose daughter flamed out at several attempts at various colleges. It just wasn’t in the cards for her to succeed in that environment. She also enjoyed make-up and decided to get trained as an easethician (not sure about that spelling) and now works at a salon in fancy hotel in Las Vegas, does well financially, supports herself and is happy. She was actually the easier of their two kids… so you never know.
Yes, it’s painful. Some people aren’t dealt a great hand. For us, we’ve found that saying “What next?” instead of "Why us?’ is very productive. Our son, a bright kid who fell ill with schizophrenia while studying biomedical engineering, is now on Social Security and can’t work. Totally unfair. But he’s a great kid and a WARRIOR. Remember that people with mental illness have to fight every day to stay stable.
If this is your child, keep looking for good therapists and doctors. They’re out there. Call your state chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). Take NAMI’s Family to Family class - it’s free and meets for 12 weeks in a row. You’ll find out about available resources, meds, communication strategies, problem solving skills, etc., etc.
If you communicate to your child what you have expressed in your post - “most painful of dead ends” - you may not have a child around for much longer. Good advice someone gave me when we started on this journey - “With kids this age, you just want to keep the ball in play until they stabilize.”
My son is 25 now. Not “productive” in society’s view, but happy and stable. The staff at his house says things like, “L is the kindest human being I’ve ever met.” So isn’t that success, a kind and happy kid?
I “flamed” out 2nd semester junior year at Georgetown. My grades were iffy for previous years, but I always managed to squeak by. I loved my school job and spent too much time working and not enough time studying. I also think I had some depression. I went home, lived in my parents’ basement and got a job as a nursing assistant at a nearby hospital. I worked there for 2 years making minimum wage. I also developed a strong support group among the nurses, staff and residents. They helped me develop my skills. Finally, I went back to GU, managed my study/work/play schedule and finished the year with a 4.0. I was recruited to a prestigious internship program in my home state that lead to a full time job as an ICU RN.
My best advice is to back off the “parenting” and be a strong supporter that she will come through this stronger and with clarity for the her life. Encourage counseling. If she’s living at home, finding a job for now is paramount. I needed to see how hard I had to work for so little. Honestly, I think I needed to mature a bit more. That might just be what your DD needs too. Tell her you have every confidence she will rock this time (and please believe it too.) This is not a flame out. It’s just the long way around.
Also, patience and faith are needed: it can take time for “what comes next” to become clear, and it is indeed best that the clarity be reached by the daughter, with support of course from parents. Think 2-3 years minimum. Parents can themselves get counseling in order to maintain some of the detachment needed.
Yes. Kids don’t just grow out of mental illness because they got older/more mature. But they may grow into therapy. Getting off the treadmill and living at home and working can sometimes make a kid more ready to work on the underlying problems.
Now that I think about it, I have another friend whose son in law is a prestigious obstetrical anesthesiologist in a major NY teaching hospital. He flamed out of college his sophomore year, couldn’t concentrate in school. lost his mother to cancer, had to deal with his father’s depression and so he became a short order cook in a college town upstate NY. He enjoyed cooking and is now also an accomplished chef. He met my friend’s who was in college, she encouraged him to go back to school which he did at local community college upstate, moved with her to NYC when she graduated, transferred to 4 year CUNY school, did well, went to medical school and so on. The path was long but my friend who is an OT and was the head of OT at another NYC hospital really encouraged him not to settle for something less and he kept at it. Also… perhaps when she first stated dating him and it became serious he might not have represented the ideal relationship that you had wanted for your daughter but my friends liked him and they stuck with it.