<p>^^^I was probably unique, but in our family we never used even a remotely foul word. However, a lot of the kids in my class did, and on my teams as well. Far worse from the kids than anything I ever heard from the coach. Even in my Boy Scout troop expletives were common among the scouts, although never from the leaders. So when I went out for football I was neither shocked nor particularly dismayed to hear this type of language. I imagine it is similar to what happens in basic training. And I was not one of the better players (to put it mildly) so I took a fair share of berating. But it would never in a million years have occurred to me to complain about it to the administration. I knew they would circle the wagons and it would do no good.</p>
<p>In fact, the only time in my high school career my parents ever forced me to complain was about a grade and it completely backfired on me. So whatever the OP does, proceed cautiously. Of course, with a losing coach they may already be lookig for a way to replace him :)</p>
<p>hahaha… Exactly. That coach may be in trouble. You are not alone. The kids on my son’s team always joke with me because I get angry at him if he tosses his hat on the court (he plays tennis). I do not put up with language like that on the court! And all the while, his coach is cussing and his teammates are heaving their racquets. It’s crazy. I never complained. What can you do? But I wouldn’t put up with any of my kids being berated for putting academics first. It’s not the language that bugged me. It’s why he was upset that bothered me…</p>
<p>I think foul language is still pretty common in sports with coaches as well as students (at least boys). It only gets me upset if it is heard by spectators, which often includes much younger children. I know on the fields around here a soccer player will get carded for bad language and a baseball player can be put on the bench. In the example by the OP I think it was more the direct, unsolicited attack by the coach that is the problem.</p>
<p>We had a coach a couple of years ago who was over the top with the language. He couldn’t control himself and said too many wrong things in too many places. Our new coach is much calmer.</p>
<p>Intervening with the school (done seldom and only regarding serious situations and only after my child had tried first unsucessfully) has ALWAYS backfired on us. In the past I would have recommended approaching the school about something like this, but now I’d say either accept things the way they are and will likely also be for next year, or leave the team. I don’t think you’ll get anywhere with this, and the language was probably not foul enough for any action to be taken against the coach. Also, from the coach’s point of view, your D signed up for the team but then wanted to tell the coach what team obligations she would accept and which she wouldn’t. I know that some of you live in a kinder, gentler place than I, but around here no kid who’s ever been on a school team would expect he wouldn’t be cut off after telling the coach something like what your D did. Coaches think their sport is all-important.</p>
<p>PS-- I should clarify that I don’t at all agree with the coach or what he did. My D was in your D’s shoes, so I’m completely sympathetic to the situation. What I am trying to say is that the athletic administration is not likely to be similarly sympathic to her plight, and your D will probably only shoot herself in the foot even more by reporting this.</p>
<p>To give you another reference point, my kids played both varsity and junior varsity sports in a “lowly” HS sports league and if you added up practice, travel time and games there was <em>easily</em> a 20 hour per week time commitment. Occasionally a class would have to be missed at the end of the day if the away game was early and farther away in distance than usual, but they were never out an entire school day. The kids were responsible for going to their teachers and making up the work. In addition to his sport, S was in the band, which committed him to attending every home and away football game as well as every home and away game for his own sport (and the daily practices). Many nights in the fall season he didn’t get home until at least 11 PM, sometimes later. Looking back, I still don’t know how he did it all.</p>
<p>There were a few occasions when we did draw the line and the kids had the expected repercussions. One year, after sacrificing several summer vacations (because kids went right from school to camp and from camp to preseason) we revolted and took some time for a family trip, anyway. It took several weeks for the kids to get any decent playing time from their coaches that year, but with hard work and obvious dedication they eventually did. Another time, Ds senior year (with a brand new gung-ho coach), we had a weekend college trip planned when there was a last minute make up game scheduled. We had picked that time as one of the very few without a weekend game. The new coach loudly criticized D’s absence in full ear shot of the whole team and after that she wouldn’t give her the kind of playing time she was used to. Anyway, I did go to the AD about it. Not about the playing time, but because the coach talking that way in front of the team was inappropriate. Had a kid in our school not participated in games or practices to the extent you are mentioning, though, barring extenuating circumstances they would have been cut from the team.</p>
<p>I’m surprised anyone is surprised by this. Sports teams are quasi-military organizations and the coaches can be as mean and petty as they wish. TheGFG has it right. I would let the whole school sports participation go. Intramurals are so much more fun, and the coaches seem sane. As far as what to do about a grown man getting into my Ds face and cursing at her, omg. I would have to say something to him in person. I would leave no doubt what I think of him and advise him strongly to stay away from my D.</p>
<p>Mom2 is absolutely right. His language to your daughter, not to mention the harsh, confrontational style of his communication, is absolutely unacceptable. I would be in the principal’s office for a conversation with coach and AD present.</p>
<p>If our family had experienced something like this, the adults would have had a conversation with the principal. The coach is a teacher, yes? There are responsibilities for civility that go with that position. If similar words were used by the coach of an elite travel team, we would not intervene. The reason the language crosses the line for me is the combination of coach = teacher and female athlete + male coach. The school’s being public (is it?) would exacerbate the issue, in my opinion.</p>
<p>One of the reasons that I think it is important for you and your D to speak up to the administration about this coach’s poor behavior, is that OTHER young people may be subjected to similar abuse. You will help other students by placing on the record your problem with this abusive adult. This way, even if nothing changes for your family, the next time this teacher abuses a student there will be a record of prior similar behavior. By standing up for your family you stand for all students. I think it is important for both you and your D to speak to the Principal.</p>
<p>I will start by saying that I 100% disapprove of his comment/word choice and would certainly considering bringing it to the attention of the AD although I wouldn’t expect the coach would be fired unless similar issues have already been reported.</p>
<p>BUT, with all due respect, the consequences during the season do not seem unreasonable to me. Since your daughter plays a team sport, I beleive the same commitment levels should be expected of all teammates. How, for example, is the team to execute plays that are set and practiced when one of the players isn’t there? How is the coach to plan his substitutions? </p>
<p>Perhaps the coach didn’t buy that her issues with weekend games and away games pertained to her studies. While I’m playing devil’s advocate in part, he may have formed his own opinion that she’d like to have her weekend’s to spend with friends and family.</p>
<p>I for one, would find it frustrating if a player was missing (what I’m guessing amounts to) half of the season’s games. In fact, I think its unrealistic to think a coach would be ok with a part-time commitment.</p>
<p>OP here. D dedicated, very hard working in sports and school and dependable to a “T”. Coach knew she was not a goof off and I am sure he was frustrated at having to sub other players. I fully expected the coach to tell D she was no longer on the team when she told him she had to pull back, but to his credit, he did not do that and he let her practice along with the team. He ignored her–she accepted that as a consequence and prob felt marginalized by teammates too. The complaint wasn’t the lack of play time in games, it was the selfish, cruel remark he made at the end of the season to a kid who was forced to make a tough choice between a sport she loved and maintaining grades. Coach isn’t very popular with the team veterans and the AD–I think he and coach are oil and water.</p>
<p>Perhaps since the coach and AD are already confrontational, you can expect that the coach will be reprimanded should you choose to report the incident. If nothing else, he may more carefully choose his words the next time he’s frustrated by a player.</p>
<p>This situation sounds like a real life scenario. Life will throw you curve balls. She is not able to make the grade. So, she will simply select academics over a sport. Very simple. She has learned her limits and is not entitled to a coach to cater to her every whim. Nor will a boss, in her future. Again, this is a great life lesson. She will learn to cope if you let her.</p>
<p>I’m actually far less concerned about the foul language as with the expectation that students miss large chunks of school time in order to participate in a sport. If it were me, that’s the issue I’d be addressing.</p>