“I think that prolonged breastfeeding and being a stay-at-home mom affected my perceptions of what mothers and fathers should do because they put my husband and me in different roles in the family. In families where a baby is formula fed or where both parents work full-time, the roles of the parents may be more similar.”
I think you’re confusing tasks with parenting. In your household, you might have made all the meals because you were home full-time, you enjoyed doing so, etc. In my household, my H did far more of the cooking than I did, simply because he’s better at it, he enjoys it and I don’t. But so what? These are TASKS. They aren’t about PARENTING. Parenting is about the bigger picture.
My H and I were “co-pilots” in the adventure called parenting. It might be that I did tasks A, B, and C and he did tasks D, E, and F. But the parenting came in the long-term vision for what we wanted a home life to be life, what we valued, what we wanted the children to value, etc. Not about who actually warmed up the casserole or took out of the trash or drove the kids to soccer practice.
Actually, I don’t happen to feel that way at all. I was just saying that for as long as you breastfeed (and I don’t care if it’s for a year or not at all), you still have to restrict your life in ways that other parents don’t (for example, by not taking certain medications). And if you take that medicine without weaning the child (a temptation that’s always there – just like the temptation to eat that sushi while you’re pregnant), you have indeed failed your child.
Perhaps I’m the only mom on this board who was ever tempted to eat a forbidden food or take a forbidden medication while pregnant or breastfeeding. I applaud those who never felt the way I did.
“It seems like you’ve elevated extended breastfeeding into a marker of good motherhood, which is unfortunate on SO many levels…”
Yes, this seems eerily similar to the great debates on the “Mommy War” type forums I encountered when my D was little-the ones where co-sleepers called those of us who used cribs “jailers” and even abusive, called formula “poison” and working mothers part-time parents, etc.
PG is correct. Parenting is the bigger picture. My kids aren’t who they are because I breastfed or not.
Well, yeah, ok, but I don’t see what this has to do with the “definition of good mothering (or fathering),” which is what you were asking about in your post.
It’s my thread, so it’s my fault. I apologize. It’s no excuse, but I think I let the thread degenerate into a discussion of certain aspects of very early parenting simply because I found that stage of parenting to be extraordinarily difficult.
The comments on the original topic of the thread have been very interesting.
Well, ok, then, no worries. So back to the topic. I would say my H and I play different roles, but that’s a function of our different personalities and interests … not because those are inherently “mother vs father” related. This is a trivial example, but he’s spent lots of time actively teaching my children how to become smart in terms of how to manage their money, budget, invest, plan for the future, etc. That’s not because that’s intrinsic to being a good father – it’s just that he’s a better “leader” in that subject than I am. Likewise, I was the one who did more of the “you’re interested in dinosaurs - let’s go check out books about dinosaurs, see a play about dinosaurs and plan a trip to the Field Museum” – not because that’s intrinsic to being a good mother – it’s just that that’s more my thing than my husband’s. In some other family, the mother could have been the financial-one and the father could have been the museum-going one. Wouldn’t have mattered.
I would say as parents we were pretty equal and mostly on the same page when it came to the big things. There were smaller things that I cared more about and smaller things he cared more about. I was more a stickler for keeping their rooms neat and he was more a stickler for table manners. That kind of thing. But again, this is simply because we were two different personalities, working together as a team.
I think as parents, each of us can model empathy and kindness, as well as perseverance, determination and strength. I don’t see those as inherently the province of one gender.
Good fathers take active roles in their children’s life. They model how to treat and respect women. They don’t believe that their role in the family consists of “babysitting” their children.
This thread has been a stark reminder that some women, even highly educated ones, still fall back on traditional gender roles when it comes to some aspects of parenting, (fathers in a supportive, more minor role) and that the “Mommy Wars” are real. These positions do a great disservice to fathers, same-sex parents, stepparents, and well, ALL parents.
Perhaps most of this is in the past tense. Pretty much by definition, everyone on this forum has a child who is at least high school age, and many of us have children older than that. I suspect that things are quite different for people who are beginning their parenting today than they were for those who began 15, 20, or 25 years ago.
Yes, things are likely different for my generation but (for most of us) our main role model for how to parent comes from our own parents… so it’s definitely not irrelevant.
We will almost certainly have to adopt or use a surrogate so none of the bio stuff applies to us. I never really considered that an aspect of parenting. Neither of our parents breastfed either so nothing to model after.
I told Mr R that if I could get pregnant, he has to go without all the things I have to. No fair that he’s off the hook
We couldn’t survive on just Mr R’s income though we could survive just fine on mine (which we already basically do since he works with kids so he earns poverty wages).
Unconditional Love. (my father passed away very recently, so this is a tough Father’s Day for me). But this is what made him a great dad, because I sure am not perfect.
I confess I have little idea what a good father does. My FA was the breadwinner, but a tough disciplinarian. (He mellowed completely when he retired). My sons bio-FA bailed when son was 3. My FA LOVED being a grandfather. If my son was a little sick, he could spend a whole day watching E.T. , in bed, with his granddad. My sons uncle, an electrical engineer, loved introducing my son to notarized toys. Male friends would take my son to the Harvard Club, baseball games, water parks, etc.
I can only hope that my son has picked up on the wonderful things that a dad can do, thru these role models, and feel comfortable in that role.
I have a concept of a good parent; I don’t think gender matters because good parenting is good parenting no matter who’s doing it.
Good parents are present in their children’s lives. They may live in the same house or they may be only a phone call away, but the kids know they can depend on them to be there when they need them.
Good parents are supportive. They don’t foist their goals off on their children and they don’t expect them to be the best at everything. They allow them space to try what they want and make it clear that trying their best counts.
Good parents allow their kids to be kids. Kids get dirty, they make mistakes, and they do things just because they’re fun, not to add a line to some distant resume.
Good parents apologize when they make a mistake. If they don’t know the answer to something, they admit it and go look it up.
Good parents love their children and each other with no strings. They don’t use guilt, or money, or things to control others’ actions. They’re kind to one another and set a good example.
How they divide the chores between them isn’t important. It’s likely to change anyway as circumstances change. How they go about making those decisions (with respect and fairness) is what matters.
I think parents, whether men or women, have an obligation to keep themselves as healthy as possible, support their children emotionally and financially, and model good behaviors, such as honesty, compassion, and responsibility.
A father and mother work out roles each of them have in parenting and they must be willing to pinch hit for one another when necessary. It is important for a dad to “be there” throughout their children’s education and their after school activities. A good father learns when he must speak his mind, and when he has to back off and let his child learn for themselves.
Good fathers accept and try to correct their mistakes. They are their kids number one or number two fans. They are always available should they be needed. They are protectors and teachers. They can be a close friend if necessary. They understand they may someday be called on to be a father to a grandchild too.
A good father recognizes when it is time to cut the cord so their child can make their journey out into the world all by themselves.
It played a meaningful role in our financial security and long-term planning.