When spouses disagree on adopting a dog

Parent Cafe
21

This is tough. I am a dog person and currently own a 4 1/2 month old Golden after swearing I was done with dogs, especially puppies. But my goodness he’s cute and I do wonder what we would have been doing with ourselves these last few months!

However, let’s face it. The responsibility for pets generally falls on one person in the family. In my house, it’s me, and it sounds like in yours, it’s you. For that reason it seems fair for you to put your foot down about getting another if it’s not something you want to take on. I have pushed back with my family on some things and for the most part we are all sharing the care since we’re all home. But it does seem like everyone else goes about their lives as normal and I sometimes find myself planning my schedule around the dog.

I would let a little time pass before making any decisions and enjoy a little extra freedom and a hair free home. I think working with a rescue and fostering is not a bad compromise if you are open to it. At least you’re not committing to anything permanent and your husband gets his dog fix.

So sorry to hear about your dog! Such a hard time for pet owners!

22

This is really hard. I am a dog person, and my husband never had a dog until we were married. He knew it came with me. I currently compete with my 4 dogs and am a part time dog trainer. However, I’ve never brought a dog in he didn’t agree too. With 3 kids we all split the responsibility. However, I strongly feel like all parties who are expected to have responsibilities with the dog must agree. I think dog sitting or fostering is a great idea, volunteering at a shelter, or volunteering at dog shows and trials are all great options if getting another really isn’t an option. My dogs are huge, so our 4th dog was smaller but he’s just as much work, so really responsibility is responsibility. Having a dog walker, board and train, and a mobile vet and mobile groomer might be good options if you do get another dog. So sorry to hear about your dog, I have 2 geriatric ones now and one is in terrible health and it’s really difficult to seem them age and then lose them. Good luck.

23

I am absorbing all the suggestions, so keep them coming!

@Publisher The 3rd and 4th parties would be our adult children, and they vote no! Of course they don’t live here, so don’t think their votes count. The dog was actually my daughters; she graduated from college in 2009 and didn’t have a job and was living at home. She figured it was a great time to get a puppy; our dog was 5 year old at the time. Within 2 weeks of getting the puppy, my daughter got a full time job which included some nights and weekends; guess who raise and trained the puppy :smiley: The dog has lived in our home for all but 8 months of his life. D accepted a job out of state when he was 10 months old, so left him with us while she got settled. He ended up breaking a leg and the had an obstruction with surgery right before he was to have his leg repaired. He had several procedures over 3 months; once he was well and done with PT, we delivered the dog to her. 4-6 months later, she began traveling internationally for work for a week every month and realized boarding him all the time was not fair to him or her wallet, so back he came to us.

This dog and my husband are best friends, and that is what my husband will want again. Of course, there is no predicting if the dog will attach to one or both of us. I don’t think my husband will be happy with just dog sitting or walking; he is going to want his own. He is usually home 3-4 days a week; some weeks long and some shorter. When the weather is nice, both dogs went everywhere with us; they loved to just ride. It was not unusual for then to be in the car when we went out to dinner, or while shopping at Costco. I would always park at the end of the lot so they were not by other cars, as this one barks at everyone! Once summer arrives, their rides were limited to when we were staying in the car.

I love dogs, and love having one; like I said, I have never not had a dog, so if we don’t get one, it will feel different. We are going to wait a few month, I hope, before we make a decision. IF we do get one, I will request that we rescue a dog out of the puppy stage. I just fell bad leaving a dog home all day alone, which is why I come home at lunch; I work around the corner from work. Before we moved to the current home, both dogs went to doggie daycare every work day. While I could do that again with a new dog, there is not a good one nearby and would like not to spend that money. My older dog needed the stimulation, this one, prior to getting sick, was happy to hike all day, or chill on the sofa; he was happy doing whatever.

My guess is I will cave, but again, we will give it some time.

24

Your concerns are real. If your husband really wants a dog he should do what he has to do and that is find someone (a kid in the building, a retiree, a professional) to cover morning and lunch time walks when he is out of town. Or don’t get a dog. If you weren’t around how would he handle having a dog?

25

We’re a dog family. We all love them. (We love cats, too, but predators have moved too close to make them reasonable pet choices here.) I’ve told my spouse that when this dog dies, I don’t want another. I want to be free to come and go whenever we want, for as long as we want, without worrying about the expense or quality of boarding or having to make our plans accommodate a pet. If we cave, it will be for an older rescue who probably wouldn’t be adopted otherwise. And it will be after we’ve had some time to be on our own. By then our children will probably have pets so we can go visit.

26

I say, if he wants a dog and you don’t want a dog, you win.

And I also think your husband is being a jerk. You have said that you don’t want to come home for your lunch break and walk the dog, you don’t want to get up early and walk the dog in the cold and rain, and you find carrying a heavy dog up and down stairs difficult. His answer, at least as far as you have described it, is, “I want a dog but I won’t be home and therefore you have to do these things. Or I will be sad.”

I say, his feelings are his problem to deal with, not yours, and you are not his pet slave. If he wants a dog, but he is unable to take care of it when he is out of town and you don’t want to take care of it, then it is up to him to figure out some way to deal with that, other than making you do something you have already said you are unwilling to do.

Maybe you will change your mind after a while, and come to believe that the benefits of dog ownership are worth the difficulties. That’s fine, and if you do, I hope you enjoy your new pet. But if you continue not to want a dog, you win.

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  1. Just wait for a few weeks after your beloved dog passes. As a person who has had pets all your life, I think your own feelings might change, but not until you have had time to mourn the loss of your current companion.

I also thought – “no more” when it was time for my 65-lb Aussie mix to cross the Rainbow Bridge. I wanted to be free to travel, and free from all of the dog-care issues of an aging and infirm dog whose constantly shedding fur carpeted my home.

I lasted less than 2 weeks. I was lonely. I stopped by the local shelter just to look around. The sweetest little terrier mix ran into my arms, full of kisses. She was about 8 months old – a puppy, but old enough to be past all the housebreaking issues. So my resolve melted, and she came home with me. (Actually, she came into the office where I was scheduled to meet people – as noted, I hadn’t planned on adopting that day). She was constantly at my side in our house and wailed when I left … so of course she needed a companion… it actually took quite a few visits to several different shelters before we found the perfect little buddy, then a pup about a year old. (“We” because dog #1 had to come with me for a meet & greet and approve.)

That was 11 years ago. And yes, it really does make it a pain to travel – but it would be horribly lonely without them.

  1. That brings me to another point: if you do realize that "dog" turns out to be a necessity in your life after all -- choose the type of dog you want & can manage, which fits well into your lifestyle. I had always had big dogs, but at age 55 I decided I needed a dog I was sure I could lift and carry 10 years down the line. I ended up adopting a small dog around 18 lb., and then an even smaller one who was less than 10 lb. The smaller dogs are much easier to care for -- I take them out for a walk every day, mostly for me -- but they really can get enough exercise indoors and in my small yard. And I have found that it is much easier to arrange for pet care when I travel with smaller dogs -- they will be accepted by home boarders who would never take a larger pet -- and they can manage quite well in limited space.

As my dogs are getting older, and I am getting older – I think now I will probably always want a dog, but I am going to stick with the tinier size.

  1. And if you really, truly, absolutely don't want a dog -- then do the hypothetical dog a favor, and don't bring it to a place where it isn't wanted. But don't dismiss your husband out-of-hand. I have found the presence of a dog in the house changes the dynamic of the people inside in a positive way -- so you might find that the presence of a pet was part of the recipe for domestic harmony. If you don't want the long-term responsibility of adopting, then you might want to consider fostering (though that has a way of backfiring, when you inevitably fall in love with a pet you are fostering and don't want to let it go).
28

That’s a tough one. Not as bad as not wanting children, which I’ve also seen with spouses. I can’t say what the best resolution is. It so depends on so much.

I have two dogs that need a lot of care and attention. Though I love dogs, I too, was done with them. DH even more so, as he never has contributed to care and training of any of the pets we have had. The deal was always that he had as little responsibility as possible for the dogs, though he was kind to them, and did not begrudge the expense.

But we now have the two, who provide protection as well as company. I live in an area where the break in stats are higher than average, but hardly there at all for those with dogs, especially the kind I have. I spend a lot of Direct time with these dogs, training, playing, walking and taking on excursions. Out into the woods and open fields several days a week. It is a huge commitment. Not to mention expense. I just spent over $1000 on their annual check ups and shots. They’re getting their teeth cleaned next month, and I have them groomed and tested every month. Plus when I travel, I need to make arrangements for them which are time consuming and expensive. But I love them dearly, and DH enjoys their company though he really would prefer a dog less house. The hair, the smell, the time, the expense, the arrangements. I don’t know if I can deal with it as I age.
So, no advice. Love mine so much that I absolutely want to keep them. Get another when they pass? I don’t know.

29

My cousin and his wife had always had one or two cats and a dog. When the last cat went, there was no new cat. When the last dog faded away last year, there was no new dog. Certainly not what I would have expected of them at all! However they are enjoying this empty-pet-nest stage of life. While the cats and dogs are truly missed, they like the freedom they now have to travel and more flexibility in their daily schedules.

Give yourselves several months to see how you feel about life without a dog. Embrace that experience fully. Then whatever you do decide (new-for-you dog, or foster, or no dog at all) you will know what you are choosing, and you will have confidence that you are choosing the right thing.

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@calmom I love your post - so well said.

@"“Cardinal Fang” calling her H a jerk is beyond harsh.

31

@snowball - I am very sorry about your fur baby.

I have only skimmed through the replies, but I will share the decision we made. When they were living, dh had said no more dogs after ours passed (we had two). I wasn’t willing to agree to that. We compromised on a waiting period of a year. I am not sure that waiting 2-3 months is long enough to get used to life withOUT a dog. I fear your dh will too easily be able to count down a shorter period of time. In the interim he might start looking for dogs, find one he must have now, etc and that time period might get shortened even more. Having a period of a year will let you truly get used to what life is like without a dog. After that, I think you can make a more thoughtful decision. Replacing a dog too soon is, I think, an emotional decision.

We, too, downsized after the second dog passed and are now in a condo. There is no way I would have a dog in a home where I could not simply open the back door to a fenced yard to let the dog take care of business if the weather, my time, or my mood was not conducive to walking a dog. Although, you clearly have already successfully made that adjustment with your current dog/downsize, that doesn’t mean you are obligated to get another dog.

TBH, it sounds like your husband primarily enjoys more of the benefits of dog ownership than the responsibility of dog ownership.

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32

So we are in a similar spot. Our almost 14 year old aussie /collie mix is really slowing down. Going around the block or even to the corner for a walk is very slow. Going upstairs and down can be an adventure. (carpet strips on the stairs really helps, ours are wood).

So my wife doesn’t want another dog
I am the one that does 90 % of the caring for the dog.

What I would do is wait a few weeks/months and let your husband know that you just want a break for now. That’s reasonable for now.

Then reevaluate. See how things go. Sometimes breaking a routine can be hard for some. Go on walks together. See how that goes. Honestly, sometimes I rather just walk with my dog. It’s like head clearing therapy. I have been taking long walks alone lately since my dog can’t. Put on my ear buds and go. But it’s way different.

Having a dog is also a social affair in my neighborhood. People stop and talk and their dogs interact etc. It’s more then just pure walking. That’s probably as much fun as the walk. Don’t underestimate the advantage of having a dog. Many studies show lower weight count. Lower blood pressure. Etc.

If he has to have one then he needs to figure out how to take care of it while he’s not around
Yes, you will most likely do more then you want to

A good friend of ours wanted a dog and the husband really didn’t. So when she works out of town they board the dog. Sure his 2 high school age kids could take care of it but he is gone for a full day also. So their expensive decision is to board the dog they days she’s not home while traveling. This could be a few days to a full week. He does take care of the dog also. Just doesn’t want the hassle while she is not around.

Maybe something like this would work for you? It gets expensive by us though.

33

@Carndinal Fang My husband is far from a jerk; he just loves having his buddy. If I alluded to my husband not caring for the current and past dogs, I did not mean to. If my husband is home, he is the one to get up before work and potty/feed the dog while I sleep a bit longer. He also will do the after breakfast and dinner walks; weekend they always go for long walk that is good for both of them. While I will offer, if my husband is home, he does the walks.

While I don’t think I want another dog, it is not because I wouldn’t love and care for it; I just think I am ready for a break. I mat surprise myself and be the one looking for a new family member! We will discuss it more when we have processed this guy’s passing. Due to some life changes for my husband, having a dog has been a great mental health perk. Their long walks and hugs have been good for both. @Knowsstuff sounds like you feel the same way. You are correct about dog walking being a social affair. When we moved here 3 years ago, that is how we met new neighbors. My guess is we wouldn’t know 95% of these neighbors if we were dogless. I will see how we both feel in a few months; maybe sooner, maybe longer. He would not go out and bring a dog home; pet purchasing has always been my job!

I am sure if we both agreed to another dog, I could convince my husband for a smaller dog. Not a yippy dog (sorry to those that love tiny dogs) but at least a dog that would be easier as we age. I think I mentioned, we are in a townhome with the master on the 3rd floor, entry on the 1st; this will not be our forever home if either of us at any time cannot handle the stairs. I don’t want to struggle with a dog up 2 flights if they are ill so that they can sleep with up. Luckily, my back is holding up so far this weekend with carrying him up and down and we only go to the bedroom at bedtime. As our stairs are wood, I do worry about slipping, so go slowly, which means I am holding him longer. At least he is down to 40 lbs.; the last time I did this with his sister, she weighted 65 lbs.!

I am trying to keep myself busy this weekend, trying not to obsess over the dog, so might be posting more than necessary! It is hard to sleep as I keep checking on him during the night. When I woke up at one point during the night, I could not find him and worried; he stays in our bedroom all night. I found him in our closet, where he goes during storms, but there were no storms last night. I am guessing he went in there because he doesn’t feel well. While I mentioned being selfish in not wanting another dog, I hope we are doing the right thing in waiting for my husband to get home Monday. I just don’t know how much discomfort the dog is in; he sleeps most of the day and still is eating a bit. Today I am going to take him to visit my mother; they love each other and she wants to see him. Usually when we pull up to her apartment building, he will start crying and races to her door! I have a feeling he will not do that today, but will make me feel good if he does.

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Just a note - small dogs aren’t born or bred to be “yippy”. It’s 100% about the training. Most people don’t react the same way to a small dog barking or jumping on people so they don’t correct them when they are puppies. If you start their training from day one at home, you won’t have a “yippy” dog - small dog mom ; )

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@snowball, my thoughts are with you at this very difficult time. I know how sad and draining it is to be present for a companion animal while it is on its journey to whatever comes after this life.

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I sense the two of you might be able to come to an agreement.

Many of the things you listed that you object to, or are hesitant about, can be hired out.

So, solvable problem? If you have the resources.

37

If you do decided to go for it, maybe your husband would learn to love a smaller dog that has more of a “working dog” personality than lap dog? At the moment, I’m thinking of something like a corgi. A friend has a smallish spaniel mix (not cocker spaniel) that is lovely, and certainly not a yap dog, around 20 pounds, I’d say.

Three years ago my elderly 25-pound sheltie-mix needed to be carried on stairs for months before she died. Incontinence added trips every half-hour down the back steps. Before that I had considered getting a large dog but I realized that 25 pounds was about my limit, and my limit would likely decrease over time. My D has been begging for a golden retriever for years but I tell her that will have to be her reward for herself once she gets her adult life established.

Good luck in your decision! There’s a part of me that would like to be free to travel spontaneously but the pull animals in the home is even stronger, so I can also understand your husband’s feelings, too. In fact, one of my greatest fears about being very elderly someday is living without a pet. We had two cat deaths this spring (one tragically unexpected and one expected but sad…my nineteen-year old treasure) and during all this pandemic shut-in we couldn’t resist the urge to adopt two bouncing kittens from the shelter. I’m afraid I’m in it for life, but you don’t have to be. I do sympathize with both of you though…

Any chance your husband will be retiring soon? Can the deal be, he gets a dog once he retires (or stops traveling for work)?

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For a small dog body with a big dog personality - we have Havanese. We had a Setter before our Havanese but didn’t have the yard space when we were ready for dog #2. He’s super friendly, trainable and can get all the exercise he needs in our home and small yard but he loves to go on walks too. He does bark at people walking down the street, mail delivery, etc. So a bit of a ‘watchdog’ but he thinks everyone loves him & he loves everyone. Not excessive and not yippy at all. He does love to be right with us and really loves all of us equally. Everyone loves him and we have no trouble finding dog sitters. I think Bichons are very similar.

He made 3 other families (my mom, dad, and sister) all get dogs and they were all firmly ‘no dogs’ families. Our Havanese is also great with other dogs and our cat who is super unfriendly.

39

Get a dog harness for the stairs and save your back. Also our dogs pads don’t work so we put on dog cream for the pads and that seems to help with carpet treads we got on Amazon and they work extremely well for traction and don’t look have bad either. FYI

40

@Knowsstuff I tried the harness as I have one from the previous dog. Due to the size of the tumor, and the dog not liking the feeling of it, carrying him is best. It is only until Monday and he is going up the stairs some by himself. I can do this for two more days.

He had a nice visit with my mom and was excited to see her. Not as exuberant as usual, but he wagged his tail a bit, and whined when he saw her; the visit was good for both.

My daughter is going to FaceTime with him later today. I am guessing she will watch him resting, but maybe I can get him to get up for her.