<p>Both parents are bad… But if Student B allows his parents to bully him that is worse.</p>
<p>OP- I’m trying to understand the point of this thread. Do you know or are you A or B?</p>
<p>I say Kid A is worse. Because by the time Kid B is at a graduate level they most likely won’t be depending on their parents to help them pay for college. Also they’ll be older and more mature to not be as easily manipulated or bullied into doing what their parents want.</p>
<p>In actuality, I’m closest to kid B.</p>
<p>However, I feel that Kid B gets stabbed in the back after doing an entire undergrad degree of whatever he wanted to do, more intensely than having to do something one doesn’t like from the get-go.</p>
<p>Other than the whole free will/growing into an independent individual thing, the biggest problem with parents forcing their kids to do what they deem is best is that often they don’t know what they are talking about. I mean, how many parents tell their kids that they should major in engineering so they have a backup in case they don’t get into med school. </p>
<p>OP, you should do what you want to do. If you want people to give you advice other than that, you will have to be more specific about the subfields you are referring to.</p>
<p>If you are in a funded PhD program, your parents have no power to bully you on school matters. If you are being bullied in that case, it is only because you allow yourself to be bullied.</p>
<p>(That is a lot different from student A, whose parents have full financial control over the student’s college plans until s/he reaches the financial aid definition of independence from parents, unless the student gets a full ride scholarship somewhere.)</p>
<p>I’m not a PhD student yet (although I eventually plan to get one since the career plan I have is to do R&D, which often requires a PhD) and, if I plan to get a PhD away from home, there are (sometimes expensive) upfront costs as far as going away from home for grad school and there lies what leverage they may have at this stage.</p>
<p>The more dangerous bullies, as far as parents are concerned, are parents that know enough about the subtilities of their kids’ chosen fields. And, increasingly, parents of grad-school-bound kids get informed about the subfields that may interest their kids.</p>
<p>So … Are your parents bullying you now? Are you expecting them to bully you when it comes time to pick your grad school focus? Or is this just some kind of weird thought experiment? </p>
<p>P.S. I think the word you are looking for is “subtleties.” (I normally don’t correct people’s spellings, but “subtilities” cried out for intervention.)</p>
<p>Have you already done any research in condensed matter, astronomy/cosmology, or whatever is actually up for discussion? Getting accepted into a strong program may depend on your ability to demonstrate interest and preparation in one of these areas. The department will want to know about YOUR interests and preparation, not your parents’.</p>
<p>LOL Bovertine!</p>
<p>So OP, which kid are you-- A or B? I think you said B. If you are in grad school and expecially if you are paying your own way, stop answering the $_$*)(&^ phone when your parents call.</p>
<p>“The more dangerous bullies, as far as parents are concerned, are parents that know enough about the subtilities of their kids’ chosen fields. And, increasingly, parents of grad-school-bound kids get informed about the subfields that may interest their kids.”</p>
<p>No, not “increasingly.” Why don’t you stop being coy and describe your actual problem and parental pressure so you can get advice on how to solve it?</p>
<p>At the grad school level especially, one way to avoid “being bullied” is to simply not discuss things. You aren’t a small child, you don’t “owe” your parents any explanation of your thesis any more than I owe my parents an explanation of what I do at my work everyday. Is there a cultural background issue here with excessive enmeshment?</p>
<p>If student B knew the parents were likely to take this course, then it is not a stab in the back. A stab in the back is the parents of the singer in Cincinnati who had to get a restraining order because they tried to bully her school. </p>
<p>The parents in case B obviously thought the student would “come around” or they understood that the undergrad major really didn’t matter that much. If the parents are controlling, the student should be able to recognize that long before it gets to this point, and to cut them off at the pass. Yes, there may be expenses to move to your graduate program, but students deal with that all along - unless the parents agreed to foot the bill for what the student wanted, and are now changing their mind, it is simply pressure on their part. Parents are not required to subsidize the graduate program - even our government doesn’t expect that of them, or they wouldn’t allow graduate students to be independent for financial aid purposes at age 21 (or younger if they manage to complete undergraduate that early).</p>
<p>What about kid C whose parents try to pressure him/her into an arranged marriage? </p>
<p>All these young people have the same choice: either go with the flow (if that’s the culture they choose to accept) or else tell their parents to back off. </p>
<p>Welcome to adulthood!</p>
<p>I understand and am very sympathetic to undergrads whose jerky, unsophisticated parents force them into certain majors. However, Catria, at what point should a young adult grow a pair? It seems highly immature to be in a PHD program and still “reporting” to parents. What are you doing to lay the groundwork so this doesn’t happen? Because really, this is not an “increasing” problem in society.</p>
<p>And if there are “upfront” costs associated with going far away for grad school, then get a job and save the money to pay for those costs. Grad school will still be there in a few years.</p>
<p>Autism does complicate my personal picture, be it employment, dealings with parents or graduate school. I already had to limit my grad school applications to “close-to-home” schools (I only managed to apply to one “away-from-home” grad school before I was imposed this restriction) but they used to be supportive in my educational life before I started applying to grad schools, thus I feel like I was stabbed in the back. </p>
<p>I have the feeling I’d still have to report to parents even into grad school (but perhaps it’s because they have contacts with corporations who hire people with advanced physics degrees whose thesis subjects pertained to condensed matter that they want me to do condensed matter so badly, although I have to ask them about that) until I’m done with a MS, because I applied to fully funded, MS programs, where research experience doesn’t matter nearly as much for admissions (I inquired about that beforehand for the programs I applied to). I crossed American PhD programs off my list for now because I had no research experience just yet, but I should consider them again once I have a MS.</p>
<p>It seems that many, if not most, employers would take a neurotypical applicant over an autistic one, all else being near-equal (fluctuations could still happen) although maybe high-tech/IT firms could act a little differently (again I’m not sure) But I think the topic of the implications of autism in a job search is best discussed in another thread.</p>
<p>This does change the picture a bit, Catria. Your parents are probably seeing an open employment door for you, and are hoping you will walk through it, as they fear there may not be many others. Do you despise this field? Or is the issue one of independence and wanting to choose your own path?</p>
<p>Congratulations on your success thus far. Do you have a therapist or other person who can help you think through the possibilities, and help you figure out which parental behaviors are overly intrusive, and which are perhaps necessary for your continued success?</p>
<p>P.S. @ Bovertine - lol!</p>
<p>The only plausible reason I could come up with as to why they could pressure me into choosing a supervisor doing condensed matter research (contacts with employers) turned out to be false. They really didn’t have contacts with corporations that hired people with advanced physics degrees in condensed matter. :(</p>
<p>I’m not a grad student yet (although I will be one next fall) but I know better than my parents what jobs I can get with a MS whose thesis subject pertains to astrophysics/cosmology. There really is one thing left to do to convince my parents in this case: come up with examples of employers that hire(d) people with advanced astronomy/cosmology degrees, since I convinced them that a physics major is employable in the past. (And, if faculty at my school is correct, there has to be, since they also claimed that unemployment rates for people with advanced physics degrees is <1% across all subfields)</p>
<p>Or perhaps employers that would hire people with advanced physics degrees irrespective of subfield…</p>
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<p>Wow, that’s a huge detail that changes everything.</p>