<p>Sigh.</p>
<p>Yes. Chicago is where fun goes to die. No one laughs, or has parties, or gets drunk, or has sex, ever. The workload is insane and crushing; you will struggle just to pass your classes. At the end of your four years, you will stagger out of the front gates a miserable dried-out shell of your former self, your dreams of elite professional school and seven-figure salaries forever destroyed by your low GPA. You will die alone, friendless, penniless, and homeless, in a darkened alley, in pouring rain, while diseased stray cats mewl pathetically and lick at your wasted hands. In your last moments, you will summon all your strength and gasp with your dying breath, “Why? Why didn’t I get into Harvard?!”</p>
<p>Conclusion: don’t come here. Go to Caltech instead; I hear the parties get pretty wild over there.</p>