<p>Sometimes I have more than one dream. And some of those dreams are not compatible, so I have to prioritize, pick and choose.</p>
<p>I have been very fortunate to have an H who supports many of my dreams. Not all. And some of them I’ve had to “prove.” My H is down-to-earth; I’m fanciful. Sometimes things don’t seem practical to him. Sometimes they aren’t, but sometimes he’s wrong. </p>
<p>In the beginning of my married life, I was so convinced he walked on water, that I quickly gave in when he disagreed Over the years, I’ve developed more sense of self, and my H has had to do some adjusting. He was surprised the first time I was published. On the other hand, it was he who bought me my first word processor.</p>
<p>But my biggest dreams have to do with my H and children. So some of my other dreams get squashed or put on hold because they are not compatible. In one sense, that might seem like my dreams got put aside because of my H and kids. But really, it was simply one dream taking precedence over another. I haven’t “have it all” but I’ve had a lot.</p>
<p>That’s such a good point. If we’d lived a life that needed H’s physician’s salary, he’d never have been able to quit, go back to school, and become a teacher. And I wouldn’t be able to start limiting my work as i am in order to write more. </p>
<p>Overall we’ve both made some compromises, partly because we had kids young, so we had less time to conceive and carry out other plans first, but we’ve each tried, I think, to honor what was the most important goals of the other.</p>
<p>Agree 100%. If we had chosen a lifestyle that required two engineers’ incomes, I couldn’t have chosen to stay home with the kids. I have never regretted that choice, and I’m so glad we had the choice.</p>
<p>I went to school all thru my early 40s, did not have any problem raising child and having husband. I was working full time, so my various places of employmnet paid for my college education, in case of financial problem, we did not have it impacted by me going to college. More so, I convinced my H to join me and his job also paid for his MBA. All along we have always gone to gym, enjoyed time at the pool in a summer, nice vacations and no sacrifice whatsoever. I even used to cook much more at home than I am doing recently.</p>
<p>It’s not necessarily an obstacle but it certainly is a complication. In any big decision the more stakeholders affected, and the greater numbers of opinions that must be considered, the more complicated the issue.</p>
<p>mom2three, I really like that metaphor: the car is indivisible, going in some direction, and can have a varied number of passengers (kids, parents, etc.). Thanks!</p>
<p>Each spouse can have responsibilities to extended family that preclude the concept of complete freedom to do whatever, whenever, even if the spouse supports the “whatever” in concept. </p>
<p>Married people are part of a team of extended family. I think at first, coupledom is perceived as just you and me and the joy of finding each other. However, each person comes with family members who, over time, have a greater impact on a couple than it would seem at first. Some (many?) couples who were happy and successful as single people then couples, struggle in the larger family community with the demands (and delights) of kids, older parents, etc.</p>
<p>OP, have you ever been in a dating relationship? Ever want to go out while your boyfriend wanted to stay in? Want Chinese food when your girlfriend wants Mexican? Watch the football game instead of going on a picnic? Hang out with friends your girlfriend doesn’t like? </p>
<p>What did you do? You compromised. These are the kinds of compromises that occur every day in a marriage. If you must compromise on little things, think how much more compromise and consideration for each other must go into the big things.</p>
<p>Perhaps this is the part about marriage / relationships you aren’t familiar with. I don’t know too many people where, after they get married, each person “supports” himself / herself. They form a whole, a union, and their joint earned money goes to support both in whatever lifestyle they jointly choose. </p>
<p>I have to say, I don’t understand why you asked the question. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t automatically understand that a spouse might have conflicting dreams / desires and that they have to compromise. For example, one spouse cannot just come home one day and announce that they’re moving across the country and expect the spouse to say, “oh, okay.” It has to be discussed and agreed on. It seems like common sense.</p>
<p>The thing about marriage is that it is “forever.” It means that the “car trip” or whatever analogy we want to use lasts a long, long time. The persons we and our spouse were when we met are different from whom we are decades later. Depending on how flexible you and your spouse are, you can grow together or grow apart or anything in between. Many of us are fortunate to have spouses who support and encourage our dreams even as they change and evolve, even when it causes some hardship and compromise to the spouse and kids. Prioritizing is very important.</p>
<p>Living well below one’s means does provide more resources and flexibility so we CAN support the dreams of one another. When finances and resources get very tight, it’s much tougher to be as supportive.</p>
<p>I count my blessings that we have always lived on less than one income so that we have had a lot of flexibility in careers.</p>
<p>There are folks that are better off not married or with much commitment to another. There are folks that need to be with those who are very similar to them and/or willing to agree with them most of the time. I know a number of couples who are “one” in terms of what they want to do in life and seem to think in one mind. There are definite advantages of finding a relationship like that.</p>
<p>Most of the time, anyone you meet is going to have his/her individual opinions, goals, priorities, opinons. If you are strongly set in having your way, if you are going to spend a lot of time, make commitments with such a person, it will involve a system to deal with these differences.</p>
<p>ellemenope,
Can you clarify? Why not? I always felt so disconnected while between jobs, I cannot stand it ot be at home. Why not work? There is nothing to do at home, I cannot stanhd watching TV, reading, cooking, cleanning, shopping, I cannot exersie for 10 hours, 2 hours/ day is plenty, I would hate my favorite hobby, if I would be doint it for whole day. What is there to do at home when H and kids are gone to work / school? I feel that working is a great privilage that is not available to everybody. I really cherish it as I lost it 8 times living in one of the worst economy-wise places.</p>
<p>I think that ellemenope means that if one lives on one income, one can have a cushion to fall back on if there’s a major expense like sending kids to college or an emergency like if a spouse is unable to work any more.</p>
<p>^^Thank you, NSM. Exactly what I meant. I don’t mean that you can’t live in a 2 income family, but if your lifestyle REQUIRES you to have 2 incomes to support it fully, then you are going to be at risk when the economy turns down and one of you loses a job. But like a one income family, it would make sense to accumulate a cash cushion to use in case one spouse should lose a job.</p>
<p>Whether to work or stay home with the kids is a personal and family decision and not one that anyone else can or should become involved.</p>
<p>I agree with many that a key to having many viable options is to live well below your means. If you can live on less than one income while there are two or more incomes being brought in, you individually and as a couple have lots of options and can save a lot of resources to pursue your dreams rather than being locked in to jobs/career paths that might no longer be a good match.</p>
<p>There are a lot of things people can do that may be personally very rewarding but may bring little or no financial reward, particularly in human services, public health and non-charity work. If the household is bringing in enough income this is something that can be pursued without causing the household to suffer.</p>
<p>This is an interesting question. Having a spouse would only be an obstacle if each partner expects his/her career to always take precedence over the other’s. Many couples agree that one career (usually the higher paying one) will be the basis for decisions on moving, etc. Some spouses work together to invest in each others’ careers–putting one through grad/professional school, and then having one stay home with the kids. That’s what we did. We have moved many times for H’s education/training/work and I have not always been happy about the moves, especially living far from my family, but it never occurred to me to say “NO!–I’m not moving to XYZ” because H always had good reasons for moving.
I feel it is a privilege to stay home with the kids, even though I do have a graduate degree and could be doing something that seems more “profitable.” We have a large family, H works long hours, so I always have WAY too much to do --and I do things that H would not want to do–yes, I bake cookies and sew Halloween costumes–and I changed ALL the diapers! I also take care of the house (badly), yard, and finances, and spent 13 years homeschooling. I don’t watch TV or exercise (besides going up and down stairs 100 times a day. . .)I dabble in a few hobbies and volunteer work, but raising 7 kids is my career and I don’t feel that I have given up MY dreams for his–I feel that supporting his career is part of my job. I know this is sounding very old-fashioned and housewifey, but I’ve seen great stay-at-home dads, too. It’s all about teamwork/cooperation and each couple gets to decide how they will work together toward common goals. I depend on H for financial support and he depends on me for “everything else.” To repeat what a lot of posters have said, living modestly is great advice. </p>
<p>A few years ago my cousin got divorced. My take on it was that both partners wanted to be #1, all the time, in everything. Neither would bend and both were stubborn.
If you have two people in the driver’s seat, you’re bound to have a wreck.
If you MUST be the driver, find yourself a happy passenger!</p>
It IS a lifestyle change. That is, marriage is a decision not to do what I want and instead to do waht WE want.<br>
wanting to work something out with someone else means that you cannot just do what YOU want; you MUST take the other person into consideration.</p>
<p>Coming up on 25 years married, it surprised me how many things are NOT compromises. By that I mean many items cannot be worked out in a way that the result is a partial fulfillment of each’s desires. Examples:
kids. You either have them or you don’t.
work. When one spouse gets a great opportunity in a different location you either go or you don’t.</p>
<p>I feel lucky that I got to do many of the things I’d dreamed of doing before I got married. That made for a more balanced life, with much less of a sense that marriage was keeping me from fulfilling my dreams. </p>
<p>And building a habit of doing both family vacations and separate vacations works wonders. The separate vacations makes sure that each of us still can have some space for doing what we want to do that does not involve the other. I got my surf trip to Costa Rica a few years ago. The days went like this: breakfast, surf, lunch, nap, surf, dinner, sleep, then repeat. Perfect for me, and would have driven wife crazy with boredom. Tonight she will awake in her tent at midnight at Barafu Camp, 15,000 feet elevation, and attempt to summit Mt. Kilimanjaro. I have no interest in peak bagging. No compromises for either fo us there :-)</p>
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