<p>If day care costs too much for working to be practical, then we’ll contribute to the cost. But I’m not gonna pay for it if my kids are perfectly capable themselves. </p>
<p>And, sorry, but I don’t want to provide the care myself. I’m perfectly willing to come on a moment’s notice when somebody’s sick or to cover a snow day at school, etc. But, too much Grandma might get in the way of how my kids/grandkids want to live.</p>
<p>Regarding a house…hmmm, I don’t know. Probably not. I’d rather pay-off their student loans (if they have any) and save generously for the grandkids’ college. </p>
<p>And I like Puzzled88’s idea of spoiling them with special things rather than meeting the daily needs.</p>
<p>Yep, I’m with you on this one. Occasional baby-sitting and filling in for emergencies is fine - I’m very willing to help out as needed but there is no way I would take on the daily responsibility of child care…for a lot of reasons.</p>
<p>Daily needs as groceries, I agree. Daily needs as down payment on house/apartment, I don’t agree.</p>
<p>These big ticket items are very difficult for kids to afford in this economy.</p>
<p>But all families vary, and my kids may surprise me by not needing my help. However, I ind that doubtful. DD wants to do public interest law, and DS wants to be a Classics Prof. These are two professions very well suited to the folks involved, and labor intensive, so not a walk in the park, but not particularly remunerative.</p>
<p>I would love for them to be able to work at these professions and have a decent lifestyle. Of course, I don’t know who their significant others will be. (Not making assumptions. Both have expressed a desire to marry and half children on numerous occasions.) Actually I sort of do know who DD’s significant other will be.</p>
<p>I think it’s great if you can help your children when they need it. I probably would not try to define what that help will be until the need arises. There is something to making your own way in life and working for the things you want/need. I have watched well off friends become less ambitious and hard working when they came into money the easy way.</p>
<p>These days who knows where our kids will live. Many parents seem to move when they retire to be near their kids. If you have the type of relationship with DD and her future husband where this makes sense, it could be wonderful for you to participate in child care.</p>
<p>One thing DH and I have decided watching so many boomers taking care of elderly, infirm parents, is that the greatest gift we can give our children is not to be a burden to them later in life. To have a plan, probably expensive assisted living, that will mean they will not have to take care of us. The first extra money will go there.</p>
I don’t really see it as being about them needing your help or not. If you can improve the quality of their lifestyle, or increase the variety of choices/options they have, and it pleases you to do so, then why not? What else is your money for?</p>
<p>To those of you who are saying you wouldn’t do such a thing, let me ask you this: if your parents, or your in-laws as the case may be, were “helping” you with significant funds, would you be turning it down on the principal that you “want to do it all yourself”?</p>
<p>I don’t know, I just look back at when my husband and I were newly married – it was just a ton of fun living on nothin’ but love in our little apartment. We saved and bought a townhouse, then moved up to a single family home, and had four kids along the way. It was fun doing it together, just the two of us. Paying for college and babysitting is one thing – and maybe throw in a family vacation for all of you every now and then – but much more than that seems like it takes something away.</p>
<p>Now, you are arm-chair quarterbacking, futurecollegemom. You look back fondly on how things went, but if you had some other experience you might be looking back just as fondly on that, or feeling that there is no way you could have arrived where you are now without that extra “help”. Maybe whatever is “taken away” is replaced by things of equal or greater value, I guess.</p>
<p>My parents paid for college and grad school and they helped with the down payment. (For a starter house after many years of apartment living.) I’m leary about the idea of paying for childcare - it seems too political to me. I also think there are real disadvantages to a woman staying out of the workforce too long. I’ve seen too many divorced women stranded suddenly having to have a job and with little experience. Worrying about healthcare etc. One year my mother gaving me cleaning service though, and that was wonderful! My parents have also helped us pay for our kids college educations - and that’s given them choices they might not otherwise have had.</p>
<p>Are we just talking about our children’s “quality of life?” I worry far more about my children’s qualities as human beings. There isn’t much posting about that- for all some of you are giving- or intend to give- your children, is it making them work harder, show more compassion, make better decisions, be better spouses, neighbors, citizens? Or is it just about ensuring they have what you feel they are entitled to? The trappings of a certain lifestyle than youcan afford to give them before they can afford it?
I am not starting an argument- but don’t we realize how much some people complain about “entitlement” and aren’t we doing the same when we underwrite a cushy lifestyle?</p>
<p>When times are tough, will they have life skills to fall back on?</p>
<p>Of course, we treated our kids to what we felt was exceptional- the camps, the trips, the lessons, etc- but we expect, as they grow up, that our role as underwriters will lessen. And, that we will be proud of the young adults they become.</p>
Not sure why people are impuning so many bad connotations to this idea. It’s not like OP’s D would (necessarily) be poor in the absence of his extra assistance. Lack of money doesn’t confer a work ethic, compassion, good decision making, good spouse/neighbor/citizenship, which is what some posters clearly seem to be implying.</p>
<p>
Again, being poor doesn’t confer “life skills”. As a matter of fact, a lot of people remain poor exactly because they don’t have the life skills to escape. And there is no guarantee they would have these skills regardless.</p>
<p>Very timely thread. H and I had a chance to have lunch with D1 this weekend, who has been out of college for 2 1/2 years now, living in Boston with a decent job. </p>
<p>With the real estate market being so low right now, we are contemplating looking at condos/townhomes as a sort of investment property. We paid off our own mortgage last spring and have some money sitting around that we’ve been waiting for something decent to invest in. Even if the real estate market drops further, it can’t be too far from the bottom, and I think it’s a great time to make entry-level housing purchases, as long as you’re prepared to hang onto it for a while (at least five years). </p>
<p>This is not something we ever thought we’d do, but we are now seriously considering it. She loves Boston and there is little, if any, likelihood she’d get transferred. If something happened and she wanted to leave, she has enough friends in the area that we’d have no problem renting it out. Of course at that point, we’d likely have to hire a management company if she were no longer living in the area, but people do it all the time.</p>
<p>I have a feeling this is going to be our new project starting after the holidays. I just hope the market stays where it’s at for now as we wouldn’t be ready to purchase until early summer. </p>
<p>Regarding life skills, one of the things H and I discussed was buying a place that needed some updating and giving her a budget to work with. Let her learn to deal with contractors, deliveries, negotiating, etc. Yes, I’m sure she’d learn some lessons the hard way, but good lessons to be learned.</p>
<p>“Lack of money doesn’t confer a work ethic, compassion, good decision making, good spouse/neighbor/citizenship, which is what some posters clearly seem to be implying.”</p>
<p>Not at all what I wrote. I do not advocate “being poor” to teach life skills. I don’t see that in my post. I actually thought parents might respond with some pride about how their extra help had had some strong positive affect on their kids- other than offering them material comforts.</p>
<p>I think what teriwtt is doing is great. She didn’t hand her DD money, she saw a need and has a plan that can work for all. For many parents their giving is based on their own needs alone.</p>
<p>I have seen too many parents use money to dictate their children’s lives. I have friends in their 50s who remain partially supported by parents which is a problem for them on any levels. The kids become beholden and remain dependent. </p>
<p>I’ve also seen kids become lazy when they have too much. A good friend’s mother died and left her then college senior a couple of million dollars a few years ago. The college grad has never held a job since.</p>
<p>So I don’t disagree with those saying think this through.</p>
Ok, I see what you are saying, but aren’t the kids what they are and who they are regardless? Money isn’t some magic bullet that makes you a better person or a better spouse, or whatever (as witnessed by the many problems the rich and famous share with the rest of us). Because those are things you can’t buy. If op’s DD is a decent person, then having more money will result in having more choices, maybe being able to translate her values into reality more easily, and so on.</p>
<p>I use to think there was a correlation between what you give a kid (while growing up and as an adult) and how they turn out. I use to buy into the theory that kids who are given a lot become spoiled and can’t fend for themselves. That was before I saw a large group of those kids up close and personal. My son was in a very expensive, private prep school for 11 years - there were people at the school that had a lot more money than we did but most of the kids (including my own) were given lots of educational opportunities, material goods, extensive travel, etc. Some were even given expensive cars (not mine), expensive designer clothes, etc. Very few held jobs in HS. Many of the older kids were given help to buy their first home.</p>
<p>And you know what, after 11 years of watching kids go through that school and graduate, go to college and form their own lives, 99% have done very, very well for themselves. Very few have had problems supporting themselves, and nearly all are very actively contributing to their communities through volunteering, owning small business, taking leadership roles and the like. Some of these kids will inherit millions and yet they are still hard workers. Sure, sometimes a person can fall through the cracks but so can someone who was brought up poor. </p>
<p>There really isn’t a correlation because most of these parents have high expectations of their kids and set the bar high. You can give your kids a lot and still instill in them the sorts of qualities we would all like to see in our kids.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I don’t think giving them a better lifestyle makes them a better person, either.</p>
You look back fondly on how things went, but if you had some other experience you might be looking back just as fondly on that, or feeling that there is no way you could have arrived where you are now without that extra “help”. Maybe whatever is “taken away” is replaced by things of equal or greater value, I guess.</p>