I agree completely that there’s no having it all for either gender.
But not everyone wants to sacrifice the marriage-and-kids part of life in favor of the career part. Some people may want to do it the other way around.
And most people make it up as they go along anyway.
Most people do stumble along, and there is a lot of hindsight, hence such a thread. This is without considering the marriage to a psycho partner, the divorce where money is withheld, the special needs kids, the mental health crises that infantilize your offspring potentially forever. 1/15 kids diagnosed as autistic as per CDC. That is quite a stat.
^Good point. When my son fell ill with schizophrenia in 2010, it severely compromised my ability to work. For the past nine years, it’s truly been a part-time job to make sure all of his needs are met. I interact daily with him and weekly with professionals/staff who are helping him. It’s also affected my ability to concentrate. I have a hard time working productively now. 
“My advice to my kids is no marriage and no kids.”
Pretty sad advice if you ask me…
My, now married - 27 year old D, met her husband the first week of sophomore year. The were in the same dorm. They were solid from the get-go. Their relationship survived two years of long distance living as well as some pre-marital strains imposed by SIL’s family.
DS (24) met his current GF freshman year of college. They didn’t start dating until late sophomore year, about 3 months before his planned year abroad. They are still going strong. I am certain they will marry.
So while a 21 year old college male might not want to marry then and there the bonds of a long term relationship not only can - but often are - forged during the college years.
PS. Neither of my kids - or their SO’s can imagine having to do the whole online dating thing. They missed that trend by a few years.
I had a great career and left it to have my kids. I have not once regretted my decision. We’ve lived on one income. My H has turned down opportunities that would take too much time away from the family. We’re happily middle class. It’s what you value, what you want out of life. No judgements. But you really can’t have it all.
But I do take issue with advising your kids to not get married or have children - that could really come back to bite you. And why? So you can die with more money in the bank?
My high school piano published a book of piano pieces. She dedicated each one to a student. The one she wrote for me was called, “I Want It All!”
I only skimmed the article, looking for the “news” therein, but didn’t find any. Admittedly, I might be missing something.
I see a profile of a successful couple, both attorneys, both capable of earning high incomes, with one working super long hours for great pay, and the other working part time for less pay while handling the lion’s share of raising a family.
Sounds good to me. It might be a happier story if the gender roles were reversed, I suppose, but all I see is a couple successfully navigating family and careers.
I’m perturbed by the use of the terms “greed” and “greedy” in the article and the discussion here. All the players (husband, wife, husband’s employer) are acting in their rational self interest and everyone’s doing fine.
What am I missing?
I downsized my career, working only part-time on a freelance basis for many years after having kids. Like @Leigh22, I have not once regretted my decision, even though it meant that when I returned to full-time work, I never rose to a management position because of the long years with no opportunity to acquire supervisory experience.
But it wasn’t only my decision. It was also my husband’s decision because it meant that he was taking the greater part of the financial burden of supporting the family on himself. And the impact – particularly my reduced income later in life – has affected us both.
And he does regret it. If we had it to do over again, he would prefer that I continue to work full time throughout the period when we were raising our children, even though he understands that his daily life and career would have suffered to some degree (for example, there would have been times when he would have had to be the one to pick up a sick kid at school or take a kid to the orthodontist during business hours).
Of course, you don’t get to do it over again.
The “greedy” refers to the employers, who expect employees to work such long hours, not to the couple. The point of the article, IMHO, is to question the culture that requires working professionals in certain jobs to work such insane hours. I think middle managers at US corporations don’t work quite this long, but close to it. So the “greedy” employers aren’t just big law and investment banks, in my experience.
It cracks me up when people say “you can’t have it all.”
Millions of women have “it all”: a full time job due to economic necessity. Another full time job at home, in the evening, on weekends, and before dawn: cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, paying bills, reading to their kids, helping with science projects, making lunches. You name it. They do it. They have it all whether or not they want it.
To pretend otherwise is to live in a bubble.
Great topic, OP. Amazing how varied everyone’s experiences and opinions are.
@Marian Yes, I certainly wouldn’t encourage and unhealthy relationship for the sake of marriage. But, I would want my kids, at least in the back of their minds, thinking during college about finding someone to make a life with.
Great point. Also, I do think there are plenty of 21 year old males looking to marry, but girls aren’t looking in the right place, aren’t wanting to marry, or not wanting the males that are ready to marry.
@ccprofandmomof2 What is your metric for equality in STEM fields?
Probably a topic for a different discussion, but the economic concern seems to be the common thread here, yet there is no required study of economics in school.
Even if they don’t want to get married at 21, many people still meet and date their eventual spouse in college, either undergrad or grad/professional school.
“My advice to my kids is no marriage and no kids.”
Better tell them to get long tern care insurance because as elderly orphans they will need it.
I agree that’s what was meant, but I think that it is incorrect. One of my kids is in a “kind of” similar situation, not law, not investment banking, but a high paying career path where hard work, long hours, and creative problem solving are very well rewarded. The employer doesn’t demand anything beyond a 40 hour week, and doesn’t log anyone’s hours, but the people who excel get the best raises and promotions. Those who are content making 100k don’t have to push hard; those who want the brass ring work longer. As it should be.
Again, everyone acting in their rational self interest.
Well, you can intentionally misconstrue what I mean when I say “you can’t have it all”, but I’m saying it in relation to this specific article and thread.
Obviously, there are women and men out there doing it all because they must. Don’t think anyone’s said otherwise.
That is good @sherpa , but there are several professions where 40 hours/week is considered part time, and treated accordingly, including reduced pay and promotions
Maybe I should clarify that I don’t know any men in the Boston-NY-dc corridor who are interested in marriage or even a long term commitment at 21.might be different in other parts of the country, but for college educated whites in NE urban centers, the average age at first marriage has moved over 30. So I suppose some might just be living together for a full decade, but it seems uncommon for that long.
I think the premise of the article is wrong.
Finance, Big Law and Big Consulting have always had long, inflexible hours, and that is why they pay so well. And if these folks are working 80+ hour weeks, it should be surprise that the corporate managers who are their clients are working long hours.
At least they got one thing right:
My son and his wife met in college, have the same major and work for the same company albeit in different locations/departments.
One of their problems is mobility, hard to figure out how to move when you both need to find a job in the same industry. It works right now because they both have jobs they like.
I think she would like to move to her hometown because her dad is ill. Their company doesn’t have a location there and definitely no opportunities for both. Idk if they (mostly my son) are open to finding another job when he likes the one he has now and is finding opportunities for advancement