We were very fortunate to be able to send our kids to wherever they wanted to go. It was a bit disappointing to me that neither of them loved college ( as I did) and indeed one transferred after freshman year.
Both kids went to grad school after a few years of working. D applied to MBA programs and was accepted into a top 10 program but chose to attend a lesser ranked ( about #25 or so) program which offered her a full tuition ride. She ended up loving her program, making close friends and staying in the city where the school is located. We paid for S’s grad school and despite doing well in a top program, he was not able to find a job in that field and is now doing something totally unrelated.
It’s been a lot of money but for us, I would not change anything.
Things kind of evolved differently than we had envisioned but we have no regrets. The kids both were able to choose where they wanted to attend. Fortunately both made a lot of great friends that they are still close to over a decade since graduating from college. In fact, D just flew down to be in a wedding party of a girl she met in 8th grade and roomed with in college. Both our kids ended up going to the same U, which we had NOT envisioned. We were very fortunate that S was able to get a LOT of merit $$ (>50% tuition), while for D we were full pay. Both were able to get degrees in their preferred fields and made a lot of good contacts and friends.
Both are very fond of LA and very comfortable there, since both attended college there. I think they are closer from having had 2 years overlapping at college.
S used his BEE degree for the 1st 10 years of his career and quit his fed govt job during COVID and is now being a successful and happy entrepreneur and traveler.
D continues to do some cinema work with people she met in college.
We were able to pay for both kids’ college mostly from my income, working part-time, plus some state zero coupon bonds we bought when they were infants. We were able to still save some for retirement and pay off our mortgage, so we are pretty comfortable now in retirement and have no regrets (though private college certainly WAS a lot of $$$$). It did help that D had 3 semesters of CC and 2 summer terms of local U toward her degree, but she still was in expensive college for more years (4.5) than we had planned on!
We maintain close ties with D, S & DIL but sadly believe S & DIL will remain far from Hawaii but visit as often as it works out for them. We hope D will move back to our island and state, but we shall see. At the moment, we are enjoying being able to visit S and DIL, as NYC is a fun and interesting place (but the journey IS a bit tiring).
I really can’t think how I would have done college differently. No regrets that we had both kids graduate without debt.
We were not happy about our son’s choice of a service academy and tried like heck to talk him out of it, but he turned 18 before the appointment came, so our hands were tied. We don’t regret the conversations we had with him (nor does he), but because it cost us nothing financially, we couldn’t even threaten not to pay. He held all the cards.
If I regret anything, it was the inability to know he’d choose the military, and the Army would own him at 18. If I had known then what I know now, I’m not sure I would have allowed my only child to leave for boarding school at 14 (another one of his choices). He reported to West Point three weeks after HS graduation and never came home again for any length of time. And now he’s married. You can drive a tank through the hole in my heart. We lost him way too soon.
No financial changes. Son2 made a surprising choice but it was perfect for him. I remember how skeptical we were, but how we were willing to play along.
Son1, on the other hand, I think we could have handled differently/better, but I am not sure how. He was the academic star, the kid who won everything. We stood back and gave him room, but he had no clue what he wanted or how to get it. We did not hire him any help. We did urge a gap year. He got in to a solid, but enormous school and was waitlisted at the smaller, big name places. The kid did well for two years and then floundered. I think he was lonely. I wish we could have spared him that period of feeling lost.
Both are fine now, if far away, a common complaint. Son2 has a good job and many friends. I admire his self sufficiency and independence. Son1 has found a girl and his way to a top grade school, both of which make him very happy. I love to hear about his life now.
Same, same.
If I could do it over again, I would be loud and clear: it’s absolutely okay to change majors.
With our first, we put too much emphasis on finding the best school for his intended major—architecture. We had him talk to several architects, all of whom surprisingly tried to talk him out of it. But he was determined, so we moved forward, researching schools until he was accepted into a top-ranked program. We bought him hundreds of dollars’ worth of architecture supplies and drove him 1,300 miles away to start his education.
I assumed everything was great. His projects were extraordinary, his grades were strong—but he was miserable. He was afraid to tell us he wanted to change majors because “we had already invested two years” in his education. When the truth finally came out the summer after his sophomore year, I felt awful that he hadn’t realized we just wanted him to be happy.
He changed majors, went on to earn a PhD in another field, and is now thriving in his career. My second child benefited from the lesson I learned. When he found a better fit, he changed course without hesitation—and he, too, is happy in his career.
If there’s one thing I’d tell other parents, it’s this: No education is wasted, and no path has to be set in stone. The goal isn’t to stick to a plan—it’s to find fulfillment.
This is profound.
Kids need to understand the “sunk cost fallacy”. Trudging along (med school applications are EXPENSIVE, not to mention MCAT prep and the stress involved) for a kid who has decided they are no longer interested in becoming a doctor because “my parents have spent so much to get me to the right pre-med college” is insanity. Kids who aren’t interested in medicine just cannot get through the gauntlet of the application and interview process, so spending MORE money, just to validate “I wasn’t meant to be a doctor” is illogical. It’s ok to pivot. Throwing good money after bad out of fear of disappointing your parents-- no.
Both D1 and I thought she would get into a tippy top school. Her school counselor also confirmed our believe. I didn’t get on CC until D1 was well into her college process. It was a very disappointing process for her. She was waitlisted at schools where we thought were safeties (they were all top 20 schools, so not safeties for anyone). She did get off all her WL schools, but not without a lot heartaches. She ended up at a school she didn’t think she would go originally because she thought she should have gone to a higher ranking school. The school turned out to be perfect for her and she loved her 4 years there. She is still very close with her sorority sisters and college friends 10 years later.
With lessons learned, I advised D2 to apply to the same school for early decision to show love. D2 had the credentials to get into HYPS, but she didn’t think she would be happier or get more out of those schools. It was a very easy relaxed college process for D2.
Now D1 has 2 kids, I wouldn’t be surprised if they would send their kids to her Alma mater. D1’s H also graduated from the same school.
I mentioned above that while both my kids got great educations at their respective schools, neither loved college.
I on the other had dreamed of attending my state flagship. My financial reality was 2 years at the local community college. I ended up deciding to finish at a smaller ( not expensive then) university rather than the flagship. Unlike my kids my “ non dream” experience turned out to be great. I loved the cc ( really) had great instructors, friends and social life. The school I transferred to was very transfer friendly and I ended up making a lot of friends, joining a sorority and again getting a good education.
I sometimes wish I had had the opportunity to attend more prestigious schools like many of you here, but I then wonder if I would have enjoyed my college days as much as I did.
My biggest regret isnt from when they were in HS but when they were middle school age. I was so caught up in making sure they had all of the advanced classes and were being stimulated at all times. All of the outside enrichment and worrying about math level wound up making zero difference. It annoyed them and was an un needed expense.
On the other hand, I am so glad that we let S21 make his own choices and go to a conservatory even when people told us it was a terrible choice. He thrived there and will have many choices for his future.
But the flipside of that is the push to study majors that are supposed to lead to a high paying job, because college is “so expensive”. When kids do have a passion, saying “what’s the ROI there? Study CS or Engineering instead” may lead to a sunk cost rather than a good ROI. Some kids may change their minds about their passion, but others are talked out of it too early. Better to be top of the class in classics (or ballet for that matter) than giving up on a math degree part way through.
Agree 100 percent!
My daughter’s spring break trip to Puerto Rico and another daughter’s trip to Savannah will cost me the same amount as all of their spring break and summer trips, $0. My parents paid for college and were very generous, even begging me to go on high school trips to France and Egypt (my friends couldn’t afford it and I didn’t want to go without them), but they weren’t contributing a dime for spring break.
I think one day I will learn not to post on these types of threads. Why is this comment directed to me and what exactly does it have to do with the service trips my D wanted to do that I struggled to pay for?
Same!
Neither of my children ever went on spring break. I guess my oldest drove with a friend and stayed at a friend’s condo one year. I heard it wasn’t fun because the friend’s mother also came, it was awkward so he wishes he had come home.
And I do wonder why I post on these things. My experience is very different than many.
D had one fun trip when she graduated. One. Any other trip was to do what our church would call mission work. Think Habitat in Haiti. That’s why it was alternative spring break.
D worked every summer in college. I gave her my car to use thanks to no public transportation. Happily they were great opportunities that led to a job before graduation.
If I would do it again I would have encouraged a school closer to home. My D was supposed to get 2 majors due to AP’s and transfer credits, but almost didn’t graduate at all due to a mental health crisis final semester. When the collage is 2 plane rides away it was really hard to be the most supportive parent in challenging times. She did graduate but with one major and minored in the other but we wasted a year of classes and added heath costs. (Would this have happened closer to home? I’ll never know)
This is an excellent point. Every school and location is different, but we often focus on tuition, fees, and first-year housing costs while overlooking unexpected expenses that can add up significantly.
I knew someone whose son was an aerospace engineering major, and she was shocked by the additional fees tacked onto so many of his classes. I’ve seen parents blindsided by high housing costs, limited availability, or poor conditions. One mom fully supported her daughter joining a sorority—until she realized the recurring costs were much higher than presented. Another family chose a school with a small regional airport, only to face skyrocketing ticket prices when one of the airlines pulled out. Tuition increases are routine.
For me, the surprise was the high cost of credit hours over 15, which made adding a minor an expensive decision. It’s hard to imagine all the hidden costs. In the end, like most things in life, college will probably cost a lot more than you expect.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out in CC as well. I just feel I am so different than everyone here. My kids had no interest in “tippy top” colleges and that thrilled me. Even the term “tippy top” annoys me.
When registering for sophomore year in high school my child came to me and said I”I want to take AP World History” (that was the only AP sophomores were allowed to take.
I asked “Do you even like world history”
The answer was “No, but that’s what the sophomores take. I refused to sign off on the registration if it included that class. A couple weeks after school started, child came to me and said “Thanks for not letting me take that class. I would have hated it”
No regrets. Both kids ended up where they eventually needed to be although there was definitely some struggles with child 2. Those struggles have helped cold 2 to be the person they are today, and they will be graduating with a doctorate in May.
Sometimes I feel CC creates more stress than is needed and puts an unnecessary emphasis on rankings.
I was the second in my family to graduate from college, my dad being the first. One regret I have is accepting the advice of CC posters as gospel. I wish I hadn’t pushed D as hard as I did to “measure up” to CC. If I learned anything, it’s that people who had advantages (and I realize my family had many) are typically well positioned and competitive to continue to receive them. I’m humbled by the Questbridge essays I’ve had the opportunity to review.
D decided against a medical career thanks to a disastrous advising appointment. She was in the e school and interested in genetics. I just want her to be happy.