Would you do college differently for your kids? The hindsight thread

To be honest, we had not really thought through how to talk about financial limits in college search but did tell S (who was a NMF), he had to go somewhere where he’d get a lot of $$$$.

D was in CC in what would have been her SR year in HS, and when after 1 semester she wanted to apply to transfer to S’s U, we said of course. At the time we were pretty skeptical of her being accepted and never calculated how we’d ever be able to afford both at that expensive private U. We were SO lucky that SisIL (H’s sis) decided to help us a bit financially.

We are very very fortunate everything worked out as well as it did and D was able to get a degree 6 years after HS. It did help that the U allowed people to stretch payments out over time for only a minimal charge and allowed us to put payments on cashback credit card (with no fee charged) that we paid off right away. That helped make it easier to pay more from current income. We had miniscule Coverdell accounts that we also exhausted.

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Just a couple of years ago, a bff and I were talking about finances and college. I didn’t realize that she hadn’t made the connection between college choices for my kids and finances. She thought that I was chasing prestige, when we really were chasing schools that offered enough FA to cover full costs. Those schools are the selective ones with good endowments! One state flagship school was in the running financially for ds1, but we were OK with him going 1,000 miles away. We thought that broadening his horizons would be good for him.

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Wish S hadn’t wasted app fees on Apps he wasn’t going to complete. He never did some required essays and no surprise he was denied admission.

On the flip side, D only applied as transfer to state flagship and private U and got into both.

I have a 2024 college grad, and one who will graduate in December 2025. Here are my thoughts in a few different categories:

College Application Process: I’m glad that I was a fairly involved parent in the process, and I wouldn’t have changed that. I see so many parents pushing all of the responsibility onto their child or onto their child and a private consultant. This is an important process and decision, and these kids are 16/17/18. Parents still need to parent. What that might mean will be different for each kid, but for most it’s not a great time for parents to check out.

For my older daughter, I would have encouraged her apply to more reach schools. As an informed follower of college admissions trends, I may have been too measured in where I thought she would get accepted. I thought she was average excellent, but I think some schools might have felt that she was excellent. She received national recognition during high school for some of her activities, and I didn’t appreciate until her senior year how significant those might have been. It’s ok, though – she ended up at a top 25 school and loved her experience. So it’s not a regret at all, rather something I might have done differently – but that would have been more for me than for her. She wouldn’t have changed it!

I wouldn’t have changed anything for my younger daughter. She applied to 6 schools that ranged from likelies to low reaches for her. She was accepted to all 6.

I’m really happy that my kids had options close-ish to home. I know that kids are often encouraged to go far out of their comfort zones for college, but not every kid wants or can handle that. My older daughter applied to schools all within about 6 hours from home and chose one that was about 3.5-4 hours. She was a 2020 HS grad, so I’m grateful she was relatively close during the uncertainty of the pandemic, and close enough that I could even make a day trip when she was having some mental health issues. My younger daughter is an hour away and it’s perfect for her.

Finances: I wouldn’t have changed much here, but only because we were lucky. My older daughter received a life changing scholarship that made any college possible for her. If that hadn’t been the case, as a full-pay family without a large enough 529 to pay for anywhere, she would have had to choose a different college or we would have had a lot of financial stress. My younger daughter is graduating in 3.5 years from a great state school, so neither will have loans.

Upon reflection, maybe I would have figured out a way for them to feel like they had some skin in the game. They both have done well, studied hard, and are responsible with their money, so I’m not sure how to articulate what I feel they didn’t get. Maybe a sense of empowerment that they don’t have? I’m not sure how to explain.

College: As things are still playing out for both, it’s hard to have a lot of perspective at this point. Covid stuff aside, my older daughter had an idyllic college experience in many ways, but as a new grad she is struggling to adjust a bit to the real world. She has a good job, but is feeling really disillusioned about whether she chose the right post-grad path. I wish I had helped her lay a better foundation so that she could feel better about her choices. I’m not sure if that would have been encouraging her to do some different things in college or influencing her to look at different positions, or if it’s more fundamental and I needed to model better ways to evaluate and make decisions.

My younger daughter isn’t done yet, so I don’t know how her angst will be. I wish she would have stretched herself more socially, but I did encourage it, so I’m not sure what else I could have tried.

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Wow, this hit me where I think it needed to. S25, our only child, is looking at two really great options. One is in our back yard (literally, our house is surrounded on three sides with college facilities), and the other is OOS. I’ve been quietly pining for the OOS option because I feel like it would offer these options and programs that I want him to take advantage of.

S25 is currently leaning toward the in-state option, though. And a lot of his reasoning is about comfort with the area and the campus, but there is clearly some thoughts about what the program would mean for him.

(We were lucky to have been able to maximize our 529 contributions, so for our family, there is no cost constraint. I know that isn’t the case for everyone, but that’s what we are looking at, and we feel really fortunate to be in that position. I am not taking it for granted, for sure.)

Add to that these thoughtful assessments of what going away for college means in terms of then being accessible and in regular contact with the parents in the future, post-college. And you’ve all given me a lot of food for thought.

Thanks to everyone for putting your thoughts out here. Like @AustenNut I don’t have anything to say about hindsight, yet I am so grateful for the help offered here.

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No regrets with my three kids here. My only regret is I shouldn’t have been such a helicopter mom and been more chill. It was no fun raising teens while in perimenopause!

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Really interesting thread, mine would have required a bit of a magic wand which was no where in evidence at the time required. College searches for 2 and 3 were exhaustive, without finding a special combination.

Had one full freight at very expensive private, had some very rough moments but overall very positive growth experience with widespread but tight group of friends and partner. Well launched into comfortable career considering next positions/options. No regrets.

One at large public in smaller program to set up for intended graduate program. Was not desired option but made the most financial sense given long term career goals and options at the time. Never found a ‘tribe’, got through and happy in desired grad program.

Another at large public in small program. Never found a ‘tribe’, socially endured with a group occasionally sees. Landed a great job, developing friend relationships through work, doesn’t yet have a co-ed social network.

Covid derailed the experience for 2 and 3, both are in good spots for desired careers but their college experiences frankly, kind of sucked socially and while might have ‘thrived’ from a resume perspective, were far from ‘idyllic.’ They absolutely learned some adult level perseverance and coping skills and following the ‘save for any grad school’ philosophy, we got a bit of a deal.

Perhaps it is ridiculous to have any regrets given the outcomes, but absolutely wish they’d had more enjoyable experiences and found more of a ‘fit’ with the communities. I see college as a unique period in life which can’t be replicated. Finances changed a bit, and I would pay a lot in hindsight for the elusive ‘fit’. Who knows where other roads would have led though…

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We are relieved that both kids found their “tribe” and fit at huge private U. They still are close to their college friends 20 years later!

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Funny that this thread got bumped today. Ds2 is at his alma mater showing his gf around. He must feel enough positive things to want to take her there. I did recently ask him whether he had regrets about his college choice, and he said no. He does concede, however, that if he had known the professional turn he would take he might have picked someplace else.

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