We are now sending child #3 through the process. If your situation had been my first child 7 yrs ago, I probably would have said yes to dipping into retirement (it would be a “dump” for me though as that would have taken it all). Had she gotten into the Ivies as so many who have 4.0s and perfect SAT scores want, at the time I probably would have done whatever it took. We all know it’s not a good idea. But at the time I probably would have.
However, she did not get into her beloved Ivies and ended up though at a very good school. Not a full ride, but with aid. And they had a strong dept in her major.
She is now working on her PhD (fully funded). Her second year she received an NSF grant that gave her a salary of about 12k more than her normal meager salary as a PhD student. She recently received a another very prestigious national award. I am not saying this to brag (ok, maybe a little;) but seriously, to make a point. She ended up loving the school she went to. Her undergraduate program allowed her to obtain a research grant and was published before she even started her graduate program.
Because of her great program in undergrad (her “safety” non-Ivy school) she was accepted to 4 different and nationally known schools for her PhD program and chose the school that had the top ranked program in her field.
All that to say is I really don’t think she could have done any better at the Ivies. It is most important to look at the program/major within the university.
It’s one of those “if I knew then what I know now” things. Looking back, if DD#1 got that free ride at a “very good school” ,she would have taken that free ride. It’s a tough one. Best of luck to you and you family!