<p>Because as I said upthread if DS had decided to go to med school the funds would have gone to pay for that (until the funds ran out-- there would not be enough to pay for all of med school) and my OP would then be a moot point.</p>
<p>Can you do half and half? Give him half or x% but keep the control for the rest?</p>
<p>I do not see any diff. UG, Med. School,Grad. school. My D. never had any funds, because we did not see any point in her having funds. She was on full tuition Merit awards in UG and the rest we just pay out of paychecks. For us it is much easier this way, no need to discuss who is in control of whatever money. This concern seems to me artificially created by decision to set aside money to specific fund. I am confused about purpose of that. But if others see more than I see, I guess then they have to deal with control issue.</p>
<p>
We have always tried to frame college as a family matter, not an individual matter. We are all collectively involved with making it happen for each kid.</p>
<p>As such, we have given the kids an upper budget, and told them if they exceed it they have to take out loans (up to a point - I will not let them borrow large amounts) . If they are under it, by getting scholarships or going to a cheaper school, it is one way they can contribute to the economic success of the entire family.</p>
<p>I would no more cut one kid a check because I paid less for college for him, than I would because one kid got trumpet lessons and the other didn’t, or one kid got to take a trip with their soccer team and the other didn’t, etc.</p>
<p>JYM - you said that your DH wants to give the money to DS (after graduation?)</p>
<p>Why does he say he wants to do that? Has it been his intent all along to give him the money? What does he say about you wanting to hold back? </p>
<p>You said DS had considered grad school or med school, but changed his mind. When he did that, was it with the assumption that not going to med school would mean that he could start out with the remainder of the money that was in his name and was “earmarked” for education?</p>
<p>It just sounds like you and DH may have led DS to believe, for many years, that the money not spent on education would be his to keep. How will that affect your family relationships if you renege? </p>
<p>Someone mentioned upthread that you and DH need to get on the same page here. If DH thinks the money has already been promised, and you are trying to negotiate with DS how much of it he gets, and when, and with what level of supervision, there could be some really unhealthy dynamics on the horizon.</p>
<p>For us it is much easier this way, no need to discuss who is in control of whatever money.</p>
<p>So she is an adult, but what are her opportunities to learn to handle money?</p>
<p>'For us it is much easier this way, no need to discuss who is in control of whatever money.</p>
<p>So she is an adult, but what are her opportunities to learn to handle money? "</p>
<p>-The easiest of them all. She handles them OK. She earned her full tuition Merit award at UG. That was plenty of $$ for us. We said many thanks for her handling whole UG situation. She could have gone to Elite school where we would pay a whole tuition. this alone showed maturity beyond her years. Later, it took me awhile to convince her to disregard a price tag of Med. School and choose the one that she likes the best. She was ready to go to the cheapest one, she had choices. On more reason to see that she knows how to handle money when it counts.
we are trying to avoid as many as many concerns as possible in our lives, we do not want to create them. Others might think that it is boring. Maybe…</p>
<p>We have saved for our children, for their education, and for their future. Both children understood that the money was first and foremost to be used for education, but what was left over would be theirs. The issue isnt that the money will be DS’s, its that its is more money in one lump sum than we had anticipated, as he had planned at first to go to med school so purposely (as someone said upthread) chose the school (undergraduate) that offered the huge scholarship. He then decided to go into engineering instead of medicine. The bottom line is that I feel he isn’t wuite as responsible yet as older s was at this age, and to turn over this large chunk of change with no remaining parental oversight is a little risky, IMO. We want to help him continue to manage the funds. At this point DH plans to keep his name on the stock account. We’ll probably close the joint savings account and he’ll open one of his own. That seems to be the plan for now.</p>
<p>We saved around the same amount for each of our kids’ education expenses but with six years between the eldest and youngest, many factors influenced the amount that was left over after college. We had additional private high school expenses for the youngest, the stock market was up and down, tuition skyrocketed, and the the youngest got a half tuition scholarship. The eldest came out of college with money left over in her account and the youngest, even with the scholarship, ran out before she graduated. We kind of mulled the whole thing over and decided that we wanted them to all have the same amount regardless of all those variables, so we topped up the accounts of the younger two to equal the amount the eldest had. Officially a third of that becomes theirs when they are 25 so two of them have access now although they’ve never expressed an interest in using it. We think of the money as “life start” funds - to be used for grad school or a down payment on a house.</p>
<p>jym626, I was thinking that one way you might couch this to your son is that anybody with a large sum of money needs advice on managing it–and perhaps he doesn’t have quite enough yet to justify a professional money manager, so you are suggesting that you and your husband could continue to provide that service to him.</p>
<p>We didn’t have any discussion either about the kids accounts that were started when they were born. S had one that somehow was & remains a lot larger than D’s. We gave him sole control when he turned 18. Same thing with D. He has always gotten more as the 1st born and he also got much more merit aid. Not sure about topping D’s account off, as S always brought in more money by working than D has and she will likely need us to help her with expenses as she has yet to mention any JOB, though she is graduating in May! His aunt was also always happy to give him money & has never given D nearly as much. If D does get a job, would not mind topping her account but otherwise, we may just leave things as they are.</p>
<p>Neither of our kids loan money and don’t get repaid and neither seem interested in gambling. D has been to Vegas with friends when they turned 21 but found it overrated. Not sure if S ever has gone to Vegas since he turned 21. He’s more interested in buying & reselling things to make money than gambling anyway.</p>
<p>Perhaps there is some humor in the following. At my S’s private boys school in Dallas, there was a boy who graduated in the early 2000’s whose parents had met while attending Texas Tech. They married after graduation and both had great professional careers. They talked very fondly about their time at Texas Tech.</p>
<p>Their son did extremely well at the boys school and was even a National Merit Scholar Finalist his year. The parents had attended all the guidance counseling meetings and had filled out the parents’ form with schools the parents thought might be appropriate for their son. They thought it was sweet that he had listed Tech on his list. But, with the boy’s grades, standardized test scores, ECs etc., they felt sure that he was Ivy material. The Ivies were the schools they discussed with their son. One set of grandparents had established an educational trust the year he was born that provided what would be needed for the full 4 years at any school, even an Ivy, and then some.</p>
<p>Well, acceptances started coming in, including several Ivies. They asked their son if he was starting to make his decision. The son announced that he had already accepted a full ride at Tech that was offered based on the NMS. He informed them that he had read the trust document and that all remaining funds in the trust were required to be distributed to him upon his graduation from college. </p>
<p>The mom was bowled over. The dad actually “got it.” The son did extremely well in college and has thrived after graduation. Mom got over it.</p>
<p>Lesson: Hide the trust document.</p>
<p>No, the kiddo will now have funds to buy housing and/or start whatever business he wants and/or grad/professional school rather than giving it all to some undergrad educational institution.</p>
<p>HImom–I agree with the boy and his dad. That young man made a first important decision for himself. He decided that he could get an education AND have the money. I respect that and think that, even if the young man “frittered” the money away, it was his mistake to make.</p>
<p>Parents can take themselves out of the “what ifs” by clearly informing their son or daughter that National Bank of Mom and Dad is not going to open to replace that money if there is “spender’s remorse” later on. Decisions have consequences.</p>
<p>In some ways, having kids make mistakes and live with consequences sooner than later can be a very good thing. When the kids were young, we would give them funds for our vacations that they could spend as they chose. D would spend most of hers on momentos. S would momentarily lust after her choices but save his money and be happy that he had it. He is still a great saver and buys few, quality items. D still spends more than S but also is very conscious of prices and quality.</p>
<p>We did not bail them out of their choices then. S requested and was shipped a car. It helped him get to & from interviews & other things, plus we happened to have a car & a good deal on shipping it. He was responsible for all auto insurance payments, AAA, gas, maintenance, parking and any tickets. D also requested a car and we said she could borrow brother’s IF she would be responsible for all of those things–she changed her mind as she has no funds to pay for them.</p>
<p>Have seen folks who are bailed out time & again from bad choices–doesn’t seem like a good strategy to me. Being clear about the rules and consequences is important.</p>
<p>It is parents’ money, and the only advice I have, treat them as such. they could be called any name, but the fact is the same, money are saved by parents. We never had any separate funds, I do not believe even in allowances. Out kids grew without them. After S. was done with college (we paid out of pay checks, including all his expanses), he knew that he is on his own. He has never asked us a penny. he has his own kids, teenagers. I have no idea about his finances, but I hope that tradition for paying for everything continues. We are still supporting our D., for several years.</p>
<p>Just curious about why you’re supporting D & not S? Perhaps it’s like our situation–S has a great job & no idea about D’s job prospects in a creative field. We’re hoping it won’t be support for several years, but who knows these days?</p>
<p>^My D. is in school for 3.5 more years. My S. did not go to Grad. School, he was offerred, we would have paid. He has family and teenage kids. You want us to support his family? That would be strange. They have higher income than we do. I am not sure if any adult in his 40’s with wife and kids (2 income family) would want his parents to support his family. Well, we are not Donald Trump either.</p>
<p>ding.
Himom, has D. I kinda like Himom’s posts. :)</p>
<p>
Thats sort of what we plan to do. Now if DH charges DS a gagillion dollars an hour for his financial advice, the money wil be ours again quickly 
However, DS is not so dumb. He is well aware that he has access to the financial advisors at USAA (where the money is invested) and-- ahh-- as long as its still “linked” to our account, it will qualify for <em>free</em> financial advising. Brilliant. Ding ding ding!! (Different ding ding ding than Longprime’s matchmaking of HImom’s dau and his son).</p>
<p>Not sure where jyber went but I wanted to tell you I appreciated your kind comments.</p>