<p>It’s a viewpoint that has some valid observations. Not something to take as gospel. And I don’t even recommend taking gospel as gospel. When one reads things like this, one should learn to take salient facts from it and apply as thing occur in ones life.</p>
<p>I can tell you that in NYC, it’s grim for women when they hit about 30 and many of them then start thinking about marriage, only to find that many of their options are gone. I don’t think it was so arid for young women looking for men close to their age with like interests, in other parts of the country, or maybe it’s the times. I really don’t know. But there seems to be far more choices for men than the other way around in this area. Still I don’t advocate going on a hunting expedition just to do so. </p>
<p>@cobrat - I don’t think that individual tendencies to be not-good-at-money really are relevant here. If two people are good with money, they’ll be even better if they can pool resources earlier on. If one or two people are bad with money, they wouldn’t, I think, be <em>worse</em> off for pooling - though sure, it could cause fights if there are money problems, at any age and any relationship stage.</p>
<p>When I was working and DH was in grad school, I was able to put money toward his undergrad loans so he never had to pay interest (since they were paid off before he finished). Later, he carried more of the financial weight while I went back for a MS. If we hadn’t been pooling funds, there would have been a net family loss in terms of interest/etc. paid that we would never have recovered. Not to mention sharing apartment, dishes, appliances, car, health insurance, etc. (True, not a tax benefit because we made about the same for more years and the tax code skews in such cases to a small marriage penalty.)</p>
<p>That’s not the experience of most 30-something women I know and am around with. If anything, this seems to be an age many of them start pairing off and deciding to settle down and get married in more stable happier relationships without nearly as much conflicts and drama I’ve seen and noticed among most who entered LTRs/married in their mid-20s or younger. </p>
<p>What you seem to describe is much more what I’ve heard from my Mississippi cousins or akin to the dating mentality in Japan where if a woman is still single and unmarried by 25, she’s euphemistically known as a “Christmas cake” to denote she’s “past her prime”. While a few men in the urban NE do express such attitudes, it’s in a distinct minority in those areas from what I’ve seen and from having grown up in one of those cities. </p>
<p>I will grant you that many women with high academic/career accomplishments in my social circle…including some dates have mentioned/complained about men being “intimidated/turned off” upon finding out where they attended college/grad school or occupation. This seems to be a recurring conversation topic among friends and local mass media. This was reinforced by overhearing some female grad students commiserating miserably about this in one of Columbia’s libraries while searching for some books in a nearby collection. </p>
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<p>I respectfully disagree. </p>
<p>Entering marriages when one is in the midst of financial instability or one or both parties in the marriage are boneheaded about finances is often a recipe for misery at best and much conflict and divorces at worse. And if both are boneheaded…it can be worse as both could compound the financial instability/issues and snare others along for the ride…like family and friends. :(</p>
<p>My oldest is 30 and so many of my friends, peers have children that age, and older, and the marriages just are not coming as quickly as many had hoped. My generation and afterwards tended to have children in their late 30s and early 40s, some extending even later, so many of us are older parents. The disadvantages of this show when are children are doing the same. But from what I can see of those I know, there isn’t a lot of marrying and committed relationships happening. </p>
<p>NYC is known for being tough grounds for single women; not my declaration, though my observations tend to support this. I saw the single male/ female ratios at various ages and they were striking that way. Personal observations, mine included, certainly can be biased and misleading, I agree. </p>
<p>Now I lived in the Midwest and I also have friends in the south, and that’s a whole other story. Most all of the Southerners I know have married children by the time they are 30 years old, and the grandchildren have been coming. Not quite so much in the Midwest, but more so than in NY. Very few of my son’s classmates are married and none of those who are have children. </p>
<p>At my college reunion, it was a striking observation that nearly half of us did not have children and nearly the same percentage (not the same people necessarily) were divorced at least once. One of my class mates works for an organization that tracks these sorts of things, and he confirmed the observation. Given we were a late marrying group, it doesn’t say a whole lot for having waited that long and also for the amount of education we had as a group. Statistically, from what I had seen, those who are in that category tend to have less divorce. Not my college class,and that 's a hard statistic. More than half the women who were on my floor freshman year in the dorms have been divorced at least once. </p>
<p>They’ve been studying this 30+ thing for two decades or more. Some of us will remember the hubbub when the first reports came out. Some find the right partner earlier, some later. Different as one gets older- for good and not-so-good reasons. It isn’t about “washed up.” Or other colloquialisms.</p>
<p>If you look at the recent wedding thread, many of us got married when we were financially uncertain- and these lasted decades. That’s not to say one shouldn’t be savvy. But kinda need to have been there to judge. </p>
<p>I still stand by notion that there is no perfect time to marry. If I had waited till I was financially settled or in my career or out of college, I would have missed the one. I know many women, and a few men, who put artificial timing or restrictions on a potential significant other, much to their later regret. </p>
<p>I also know a few who married too early, seduced by the excitement of planning weddings who maybe should have thought through their decisions a little more. </p>
<p>I know a few who waited a long time to marry, and also should have reassessed their decisions. But that clock was ticking. </p>
<p>If I had to do it over again, I might have waited a few more years to marry and to start having children. But, it still would have been to that dorky awesome guy I met my junior year in college. He is still pretty awesome 25 years later. And hilarious. </p>
<p>I know a few like that. I had a close friend have a 30k+ wedding (no, not a ton by CC standards but HUGE for my area and for a junior in college) who is now getting a divorce less than 2 years later. She admits she was in love with the wedding way more than the marriage. </p>
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<p>I agree. I kind of wonder whether or not my fiance and I would’ve married right out of college had we lived in a different era. For now though, I like living together. Plus the thought of getting married while trying to do grad school gives me hives lol. </p>
<p>Then again, I also like the idea of being married several years before having a child. </p>
<p>I never understood expensive weddings myself. My cousin/cousin-in-law or whatever I should call him had an extremely expensive wedding (I don’t know how expensive exactly but I’d seriously have to guess in the realm of 100K). Seems like there are MUCH better uses of that kind of money than a wedding. My parents just signed some papers and boom, they were married. They had a small party with their friends and that was it. Which would you rather have, a big elaborate wedding, or a house? </p>
<p>However, from what I’ve seen and heard, it tends to affect women in their 40s and up and those with high academic/career accomplishments much more than others. While the latter attitude has been changing, this change doesn’t help counteract the gender imbalance in NYC’s dating scene. </p>
<p>I agree the gender ratios which favor single men in NYC are certainly not helping in this area. </p>
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<p>Many people love parties…especially if the individuals/families concerned are a central part of it. </p>
<p>It has also been used as a form of showing off one’s conspicuous consumption for thousands of years as many social scientists…especially historians and anthropologists have found. </p>
<p>I understand extravagant weddings. I understand simple weddings. Tastes differ. I can see the thrill in throwing a large party filled with treats, entertainment, and the finest foods. I can see the thrill in throwing a party in which you and ones closest to you put in the most work. </p>
<p>I dislike when people look down on people for spending large chunks of their own money. </p>
<p>For most people that have big, elaborate weddings that isn’t really a decision. They’ll get both. </p>
<p>If people want to have a big wedding, that’s their business. I don’t care. What makes me sad though is seeing people stress out about their weddings. I’m having a blast planning mine. I couldn’t imagine going through half the stress that many of my friends are for what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life. </p>
<p>My parents both had big elaborate weddings (that they hated) for their first marriage and a super simple marriage in the park the 2nd time around (to each other). We’re a simple kind of family. </p>
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