<p>Matrix??? Oh, I thought you wrote Xiggi as Nero !!</p>
<p>Kluge: I think we can handle one little girl. I sent two units, they’re bringing her down now.
TheDad: No lieutenant, your men are already dead.</p>
<p>FS: My name’s FountainSiren.
Xiggi: <em>The</em> FountainSiren? Who cracked the DailyKos d-base?
FS: That was a long time ago.
Xiggi: Jesus…
FS: What?
Xiggi: I just thought… you were a guy.
FS: Most guys do.
FS: Please Xiggi, you have to trust me.
Xigg: Why?
FS: Because you have been down there Xiggi, you know that road, you know exactly where it ends. And I know that’s not where you want to be.</p>
<p>TheDad: It seems that you’ve been living two lives. One life, you’re Thomas A. Anderson, student at a respectable university. You have a social security number, do your problem sets, and you… help your landlady carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the hacker alias “Xiggi” and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.</p>
<p>[FundingFather is chained to a chair…TheDad paces around him, relishing the opportunity to torture his nemesis]
TheDad: The great FundingFather. We meet at last.
FundingFather: And you are?
TheDad: “T-Dad.” Anent TheDad.
FundingFather: You all look the same to me.
TheDad: I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can’t stand it any longer. It’s the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your Republican stink and every time I do, I fear that I’ve somehow been infected by it. Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. None of the people in fly-over country would accept the program. HillaryCare was lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, Republican conservatives define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization. </p>
<p>Xiggi: What are you doing?
FountainSiren: I’m going with you.
Xiggi: No you’re not.
FountainSiren: No? Let me tell you what I believe. I believe that FundingFather means more to me than he does to you. I believe if you are really serious about rescuing him, you are going to need my help. And since I am the ranking officer on this ship, if you don’t like it… I believe you can go to hell. Because you’re not going anywhere else. BigGreen, load us up.
BigGreen: So what do you need? Besides a miracle.
Xiggi: Quail guns. Lots of quail guns.
FountainSiren: Xiggi… nobody has ever done this before.
Xiggi: That’s why it’s going to work.</p>
<p>FountainSiren: Xiggi, I’m not afraid anymore. Driver told me that I would fall in love and that that man… the man that I loved would be The One. So you see, you can’t be dead. You can’t be… because I love you. You hear me? I love you.
[Xiggi’s vital signs return]
FountainSiren: Now get up!
Kluge: Jesus. What a mind-job.
FountainSiren: What’s he doing?
FundingFather: He’s beginning to believe.</p>
<p>[Closing scene, last lines]
Xiggi: I know you’re out there. I can feel you now. I know that you’re afraid… you’re afraid of us. You’re afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn’t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I’m going to hang up this phone, and then I’m going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I’m going to show them a world without TheDad and Kluge. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.</p>
<p><sigh> As with a lot of sequels - pumped out to feed off the success of the original, lacking originality or humor. Driver - did you say you work in Hollywood?</sigh></p>
<p>Coming up later - how to tell the difference between Matrix reality and real reality - unless you’re Driver, in which case you’re hallucinating in both venues.</p>
<ul>
<li><p>driver honey, you’ve been at that computer all night! What on earth are you doing???</p></li>
<li><p>writing a play!</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Just a little cut-and-paste from the IMDB memorable quotes section, while I had my morning coffee. Pretty easy. The hardest part was changing the names and bolding them. Kluge [Cypher], I await your thrice-ballyhooed blockbuster.</p>
<p>Driver, step away from the keyboard.</p>
<p>Medic! There’s Code Purple, somewhere in the Philadelphia suburbs.</p>
<p>Fortunately, I am not Agent Smith. The cognoscenti recognize me as Captain Jack Sparrow. Though I’m on sub duty for Inigo Montoya or Sir Percy Blakeney as needed.</p>
<p>“Fortunately, I am not Agent Smith.”</p>
<p>Well, Smith would be hard pressed to find a better agent than TheDad.</p>
<p>Hijacking my thread back, because none of those other people actually matter, only NeoXiggi…<br>
The more things he observed, the more things started to nag at NeoXiggi. When he saw that nearly half of his nation-mates believed that Weapons of Mass Destruction had actually been found in Iraq long after seekers of truth such as himself were well aware that none were there had he was… bothered. It was not even a controversy - no one had ever even claimed to have found such Weapons. Yet almost half of America believed it to be true. How did that happen? It was not the result of overt propaganda - no one was circulating lies about Weapons having been found, but millions of citizens still believed it to be true. What put that false belief into their minds? Was it… the Matrix? Were the “found” WMD’s of 2003 “Matrix reality”, implanted into people’s minds without their even suspecting?</p>
<p>“Everyone knows” that a rising tide lifts all boats - but NeoXiggi sees that for 20 years the boats of half of America haven’t budged, which the yachts of the ultrawealthy have sprouted wings and soared into the stratosphere. ( <a href=“http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-soi/03in05tr.xls[/url]”>http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-soi/03in05tr.xls</a> line 72)</p>
<p>“Everyone knows” that health care in America is threatened by a flood of frivolous lawsuits which drive up the cost of medical treatments, yet NeoXiggi learns that malpractice litigation - justified as well as unjustified - amounts to only the tiniest part of the cost of health care - a fraction of a percent. <a href=“http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8551575/[/url]”>http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8551575/</a> <a href=“http://www.factcheck.org/article133.html[/url]”>http://www.factcheck.org/article133.html</a></p>
<p>And the closer NeoXiggi looks, the more things he finds that “everyone knows” which just … aren’t actually true. So why is it that “everyone knows” things that just aren’t true? Where does this “Matrix reality” come from? How is it implanted in people’s minds? How does it spread? How can you tell the difference between a “Matrix reality” and “real reality?” What is the Matrix? How can it cause people to believe things that aren’t true? Why does it cause people to believe things that aren’t true? Are there clues that can help you know if something is a “Matrix reality” or a “real reality?” </p>
<p>—More to come —</p>
<p>You sure know how to kill a fun thread, Kluge.</p>
<p>NeoXiggi lies in bed, tossing and turning. He can’t sleep. His mind is racing. How can he tell if the reality he believes to be “real” isn’t just “Matrix reality” - thoughts and beliefs planted in his mind so subtly that he never realized that they didn’t arise from the real world at all… How could he tell? What clues could he follow to identify “Matrix reality” from the truth? The Matrix never sleeps - does it implant its reality in his brain while he dozes? Or is he even awake right now?</p>
<p>Suddenly, NeoXiggi sits bolt upright, eyes wide. A look of comprehension slowly creeps across his face. He gets out of bed, walks to the table, and picks up a pen. Slowly he lowers his hand to a pad of paper, and writes:</p>
<p>Follow the money.</p>
<p>— more tomorrow —</p>
<p>Hurry Driver! This thread is in serious need of some humor.</p>
<p>Kluge,</p>
<p>Perhaps only John Kerry can truly appreciate your erudite sense of humor…maybe those ole cut-ups, Kate Michelman and Elenor Smeal but no one else comes to mind.</p>
<p>Cypher, had a better (if cynical) sense of humor in the original version. This is more Agent Smith…you’re steppin’ on Thedad’s toes!</p>
<p>[In a fancy restaurant]
TheDad: Do we have a deal, Mr. Kluge?
Kluge: You know, I know this steak doesn’t exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss.
TheDad: Then we have a deal?
Kluge: I don’t want to remember nothing. Nothing. You understand? And I want to be rich. You know, someone important. Like a Super-Moderator.
TheDad: Whatever you want, Mr. Kluge.
Kluge: Okay. I get my body back into a really good thread. Re-insert me into the Matrix, I’ll get you what you want.
TheDad: Access codes to the CollegeConfidential mainframe.
Kluge: No, I told you, I don’t know them. I can get you the man who does.
TheDad: FundingFather.</p>
<p>TheDad [tormenting FundingFather]: Have you ever stood and stared at it, marveled at its beauty, its genius? Billions of people just living out their lives, oblivious. Did you know that the first CollegeConfidential was designed to be a perfect human world? Which is why CC was redesigned to this, the peak of your civilization. I say your civilization because as soon as we started thinking for you it really became our civilization which is, of course, what this is all about. Evolution, FundingFather, evolution. Like the dinosaur. Look out that window. There is no Intelligent Design. It’s all random evolution. You had your time. The future is our world, FundingFather. The future is our time. The world of overbearing, Lefty-Progressive CC posters.</p>
<p>“Kluge: I don’t want to remember nothing. Nothing. You understand? And I want to be rich. You know, someone important. Like a Super-Moderator.”</p>
<p>(Gasps, holding belly, splitting sides!) Thank you, thank you, thank you!</p>
<p>The evil woman in the dark suit with the earbud in her left ear sidled into NeoXiggis room. “Look there!” she cried, pointing out the window. As NeoXiggi turned, she quickly grabbed the paper and stuffed it into her pocket. As NeoXiggi turned back, she stuttered: “uh, uh, uh…You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.” Hahahahahhahahahahahahaha!!!
As NeoXiggi looked puzzled and nonplussed, her face blurred and went out of focus briefly, then she stablized and began to gush: “Oh. NeoXiggi, you’re so strong, and handsome, and smart! You write the nicest things, the bestest elaborations on what everyone knows that anyone could make! Don’t ever think about ever doing anything else!”
NeoXiggi’s eyes grew dim, his lids heavy. “So… tired…must…sleep.”<br>
As he collapsed into his bed the evil woman’s eyes narrowed into slits. “Whew. That was close.” she muttered as she slunk from the room.</p>
<hr>
<p>FundingFather: BigGreen–bring the ship up to broadcast depth. We’re going in. I’m taking Xiggi to see her.
Xiggi: See who?
BigGreen: Driver…The Oracle. Everyone please observe, the fasten seat belt and no smoking signs have been turned on. Sit back and enjoy your ride.
Xiggi: I have these memories from my life. None of them happened. What does that mean?
FountainSiren: That CollegeConfidential cannot tell you who you are.
Xiggi: And Driver can?
FountainSiren: That’s different.
Xiggi: Did you go to her?
FountainSiren: Yes.
Xiggi: What did she tell you?
FountainSiren: She told me…
Xiggi: What?
FundingFather: We’re here. Xiggi, come with me.</p>
<p>[Apartment Building]
Xiggi: So is this the same Driver that made the prophecy?
FundingFather: Yes. She’s very old. She’s been with us since the beginning.
Xiggi: The beginning…?
FundingFather: Of the Resistance. The Resistance against overbearing, sanctimonious CC liberal blowhards.
Xiggi: And she knows what, everything?
FundingFather: She would say she knows enough.
Xiggi: And she’s never wrong?
FundingFather: Try not to think of it in terms of right and wrong. She is a guide, Xiggi. She can help you to find the path.
Xiggi: What did she tell you?
FundingFather: That I would find The One… I told you I can only show you the door. You have to walk through it.</p>
<p>[Meanwhile, aboard the Hovercraft Nebuchadnezzar, Kluge has gotten the drop on helmsman BigGreen, blasting him into a smoking heap that now lies still in the corner of the control room. The others are trying to return from the Matrix. Kluge takes control, taunting FountainSiren on the phone.]
<a href=“Cellular”>i</a>*
Kluge: Hello, FountainSiren.
FountainSiren: Kluge? Where’s BigGreen?
Kluge: You know, for a long time, I thought I was in love with you. I used to dream about you. You’re a beautiful woman, FountainSiren. Too bad things had to turn out this way.
FountainSiren: You killed them.
Kluge: I’m tired, FountainSiren. I tired of this war. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of this ship, being cold, eating the same goddamn goop everyday. But most of all, I’m tired of that jack-off and all his <em>. Surprise, a</em><em>-hole! I bet you never saw this coming, didja? God, I wish I could be there, when they break you. I wish I could walk in just when it happens. So right then, you’d know it was me.
FountainSiren: You…you gave them FundingFather!
Kluge: He lied to us, FountainSiren. He tricked us. If you’da told us the truth, we woulda told you to shove that red pill right up your a</em><em>.
FountainSiren: That’s not true, Kluge, he set us free.
Kluge: Free? You call this free? All I do is what he tells me to do. If I had to choose between that and CollegeConfidential, I choose CC.
FountainSiren: CC isn’t real!
Kluge: I disagree, FountainSiren. I think CollegeConfidential can be more real than this world. All I do is snipe here. But there, you have to read my posts. Welcome to the real world, huh, baby?
FountainSiren: But you’re out, Kluge. You can’t go back.
Kluge: Oh no. That’s what you think. They’re going to reinsert my body. I go back to sleep, and when I wake up, I won’t remember a goddamn thing. By the way, if you have anything terribly important to say to Wyogal, I suggest you say it now.
FountainSiren: No, please don’t. Goddamn you, Kluge.
Kluge: Don’t hate me, FountainSiren. I’m just the messenger, and right now I’m gonna prove it to you. If FundingFather was right, then there’s no way I can pull this plug. I mean if Xiggi’s The One, then there’d have to be some kind of a miracle to stop me. Right? I mean how can he be The One if he’s dead? You never did answer me before if you bought into FundingFather’s b.s. - come on - all I want is a little yes or no. Look into his eyes, those big pretty eyes. Tell me. Yes or no?
FountainSiren: Yes.
Kluge: No.
<a href=“Aboard%20the%20Nebuchadnezzar”>i</a>
Kluge: I don’t believe it… [The grievously wounded BigGreen has revived, and is now leveling a blaster at Kluge, who begins screaming like a little girl…]
BigGreen: Believe it or not, you piece of </em>, you’re still gonna burn. [Kluge is incinerated.]</p>
<p>Go, go, Trinity, go! Errr, I meant FountainSiren!</p>
<p>Which pill are you going to choose?</p>