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Experience of a dying grandparent needed
VaBluebird
3411 replies241 threads Senior Member
in Parent Cafe
My mom is in the end stages of her life. She lives a distance from all her immediate family. My youngest son and wife plus nephew and wife + two kids plan to visit her during the Christmas holidays. I don't know whether to tell them, warn them that their beloved grandmother is just really not well at all. I know they will be shocked to see her. She is pretty incapable of receiving visitors in any meaningful way. Nephew is 41, youngest son is 32, they are adults . They are adulting. I don't know whether to intervene, that it's just going to be a part of their life experiences to see her like this. I completely admit to seeing these young men as the boys they were when seeing their grandma for Christmas. 25-30 years ago.
What would you do?
25 replies What would you do?
Replies to: Experience of a dying grandparent needed
That airline ticket was the best $300.00 I ever spent.
We lost my kids great grandparents, my grandparents, in the last few years. It wasn’t easy to see them failing and their suffering, but those meetings near the ends of their lives are very precious memories for all of us. I don’t think any one of us would want to have missed it.
When my grandparents were nearing the end, I was aware, in a weird way, that I had the chance to show my kids how to love and care for the dying. I remembered my mom holding the hand of my great-grandmother as she lay dying when I was a kid and thinking how great it was that I had that model.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Give your family a "heads up" before they visit - it is best to be prepared, not just for their sakes, but for your mom.
Speaking with hospice workers, family visitors can help with a sense of closure and bring peace.
Just be honest and answer their questions. I think that knowing all this ahead of time is going to make their visit even more important to them.
Also while she is their grandmother they know she is your mother - they will likely also want to comfort you.
Hugs during this difficult time!
When I was pregnant with older S, on a whim H and I drove the 2 hours to see my grandparents who had recently relocated from PA to be closer to the rest of us. When we were there, my Grandpa showed us his scrapbook from WWII. Sounds nice, but nobody (my mom was an only child) knew it existed. My grandmother never let him talk about the war. It was too upsetting. 6 weeks later he caught an infection and died. I somehow think he just knew it was coming and wanted us to know. A couple of other odd things happened during his passing, and I firmly believe he and my son are forever connected.
So yes, let them go. It might be hard, but it's a good thing.
My father is now 93 and his dementia continues to increase. We (sister and I) have warned the grandchildren that he no longer remembers any of them- he had their photos removed from his house. Even a few years ago I told my brother's D who lives locally not to feel any guilt for not trying to visit him like they would several years before then. My sister sees him every month, out of town but instate. I saw him this fall after a few years when I was instate for another reason. Shocked at how his face is gaunt- one of these days his body will catch up to his brain and he will die- months/years- who knows. I will continue to call him intermittently and get asked where I live three times in one minute, repeat of the weather likewise and nothing to talk about. Useless to mention son or any of his other grandchildren- all in their thirties. Can't do anything for the stubborn et al old man so have made my peace with that.
Some of you have elderly relatives who were and are a delight to visit with- by phone or in person. Some are on a downhill course -physically and/or mentally- and seeing them becomes a now or never choice. I like post # 9's suggestions.
Tell your adult kids and let them make some lasting memories for themselves too.
Hugs.
We also asked her if she was interested in having an estate planning attorney come to her home and letting her know the options and helping her have her preferences carried out. She was very interested and it all got done that weekend. It saved her heirs over $100,000!
She had many of her family members who love her present most of the weekend. She died on Tuesday, with brother and beloved cousin at her side. We were all grateful we had that weekend we all shared.
I agree with preparing loved ones that the Patient may have low stamina and not be the person they remember, in that their condition has deteriorated.
They will regret you if your not honest plus it's better emotionally so they can prepare themselves instead of being caught off guard.
Best wishes to your family.
I think I would have benefited from a little heads up re: what to expect.
For example, I knew she had about a month or so to live, but I didn’t “get” that the last month she’d be on pain meds and loopy and just not herself mentally.
That, in addition to the dramatic change in physical appearance.
People who have experienced a loved one dying already know this, but it was a shock to me at the time.
Wishing you the best during this difficult time!