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When spouses disagree on adopting a dog
snowball
3067 replies257 threads Senior Member
in Parent Cafe
Three years ago we had to put our 13 year old dog down; we also her 8 year old brother. I have had dogs and other assorted pets (cats, birds, rabbits, turtles, hamsters and a chicken) my entire life. My husband had a few dogs growing up. When the topic of getting another dog comes up, I have been the one to say, the currently 11 year old will be my last. I work full time away from the house and actually come home during lunch to give the dog a quick walk on the days my husband is on the road. When I do come home, it takes my entire lunch break, so I look forward to the days my husband is home, as I can have a somewhat relaxing lunch in our break room.
Our dog has been slow and not eating well the past couple of week and had labs done on Monday, which were not good. He actually became more lethargic on Tuesday and ultrasound and xrays were preformed today. While we were hoping the scans would be normal, as expected, they were not; he had a mass on/near his spleen. The decision is to put him down on Monday as my husband is out of town for work, and this is his best friend.
I am the one that does not want another dog, and definitely not a puppy. Again, I have never, not had a dog, but I think at 63 years old, I am ready to not have to take care of another one. The children and grandchildren live in other states, so when we go to visit, the cost of boarding the dog come into play. Selfishly, I would like my lunchtime back, or not being the one to solo care for the dog when my husband is out of town. As we downsized to a townhome, we don't have a yard for a dog like we did in the old house, so all exercised is by leash walks. On the weekends I don't have a problem, but going out in the morning before work when it is rainy and/or cold, I don't love. While I would do anything for this dog, this weekend, I have to carry him up and down the stairs (2 flights) as he doesn't have the energy to walk them. He only weights 40 lbs., but going up with my bad back isn't the easiest!
My husband really does not want to take no for an answer. We have agreed that until things settle down with COVID, as each of us have had our hours cut, we would hold off on making a decision. A dog for my husband is really a mental health thing; not as a therapy dog or anything; he just enjoys the walks with the dog and the bond. This dog won't do things for me if his "daddy" is around; he will always wait for my husband.
My daughter suggested when we were ready, that we should think about fostering dogs. That way, we get the benefits without a life long commitment. We actually know a couple of people that work with Golden Retriever Rescue, so we can talk to them. Part of me knows when I have another dog in the house, I will fall in love. Then the selfish part of me keeps thinking about my age, the lack of dog hair, not having to walk in the rain for 30 minute and drying off a dog, worrying about coming home at lunch, or if I want to run errands after work. I think I am ready for some freedom. We both are bigger dog people, and my husband hates little dogs and cats.
If others have had to deal with this, what were your thoughts; how did you decide? If I say no, my husband will be really sad; who's feelings take precedents?
61 replies Our dog has been slow and not eating well the past couple of week and had labs done on Monday, which were not good. He actually became more lethargic on Tuesday and ultrasound and xrays were preformed today. While we were hoping the scans would be normal, as expected, they were not; he had a mass on/near his spleen. The decision is to put him down on Monday as my husband is out of town for work, and this is his best friend.
I am the one that does not want another dog, and definitely not a puppy. Again, I have never, not had a dog, but I think at 63 years old, I am ready to not have to take care of another one. The children and grandchildren live in other states, so when we go to visit, the cost of boarding the dog come into play. Selfishly, I would like my lunchtime back, or not being the one to solo care for the dog when my husband is out of town. As we downsized to a townhome, we don't have a yard for a dog like we did in the old house, so all exercised is by leash walks. On the weekends I don't have a problem, but going out in the morning before work when it is rainy and/or cold, I don't love. While I would do anything for this dog, this weekend, I have to carry him up and down the stairs (2 flights) as he doesn't have the energy to walk them. He only weights 40 lbs., but going up with my bad back isn't the easiest!
My husband really does not want to take no for an answer. We have agreed that until things settle down with COVID, as each of us have had our hours cut, we would hold off on making a decision. A dog for my husband is really a mental health thing; not as a therapy dog or anything; he just enjoys the walks with the dog and the bond. This dog won't do things for me if his "daddy" is around; he will always wait for my husband.
My daughter suggested when we were ready, that we should think about fostering dogs. That way, we get the benefits without a life long commitment. We actually know a couple of people that work with Golden Retriever Rescue, so we can talk to them. Part of me knows when I have another dog in the house, I will fall in love. Then the selfish part of me keeps thinking about my age, the lack of dog hair, not having to walk in the rain for 30 minute and drying off a dog, worrying about coming home at lunch, or if I want to run errands after work. I think I am ready for some freedom. We both are bigger dog people, and my husband hates little dogs and cats.
If others have had to deal with this, what were your thoughts; how did you decide? If I say no, my husband will be really sad; who's feelings take precedents?
Replies to: When spouses disagree on adopting a dog
My advice is for both of you to just agree to allow for some grieving time before you even have a discussion about another pet/dog. 3 weeks, 3 months - whatever. Some time without a pet may make either one of you slant your thoughts about getting a new pet.
I mean you have to do what is right for your family but I think some time between the loss of one pet and a new pet is a mentally ok thing.
I would just let that play out.
I admire anyone that fosters but I don't know how it will be less intense. Each dog you foster will be like getting a new dog. Getting used to each other, the house, the routine, behavior(s), etc. And then that dog leaves and you start all over again. Just think about that hard. Make sure you get a foster for the foster's sake - not just yours.
I suggest volunteering at a shelter walking dogs and helping to social them. Perhaps help a local dog rescue with raising money, etc.
I'm very sorry that your dog needs to cross the rainbow bridge.
My H is already on record as saying that when our current dog passes, he doesn't want to get another one.
Here's my take. I think having a dog is like the decision to have children. Both spouses need to be board. If you aren't OK with getting another dog, then stick to your guns. As you noted, it's a lot of work, responsibility, and to a good pet parent is a big commitment.
Your husband can volunteer for a rescue, be a dog walker, pet sit, etc... Plenty of other ways to have contact with animals on a regular basis, even if they aren't yours.
I am one of those people who would feel lost without a dog. Although sometimes I wonder what a house without fur balls would be like!
I for one wouldn’t just say no, especially if having a dog is so important to your spouse.
Dog walkers are available for lunchtime walks. Also, adopting an adult dog, not senior but not a puppy, is a good way to go.
I think taking the time to mourn and see how things shake out is the best solution.
My H could easily not get another dog, but he knows that for me a dog brings such joy to my life.
I think the person who has to do the majority of the work gets to make the decision.
We went through the same challenge when our dog died, but one of our s’s is allergic to dogs (though his wife loves dogs) and my other s loves dogs but his wife is asthmatically allergic to dogs (they’ve joked about swapping spouses so DS#1 and DS#2’s wife can get a dog). Well, we don’t need any reason to prevent them from visiting, so no dog for us.
What we did for a while was petsit for friends/neighbors when they went out of town. That met the need for a “dog fix” for quite a while, and eventually we agreed that while we missed having a dog, we didn’t miss the hassle/responsibility of having a dog.
I agree with others who said if your DH provided 100% of the care for the dog that would be one thing, but it kind of reminds me of kids begging for a dog, swearing they will take care of it, and then the responsibility landing on the parents. You deserve to have your lunch break, to run errands, to not have to vacuum up a bunch of dog fur or carry a dog up/down the stirs and take it out in inclement weather. Thats just not fair to you.
You mentioned the golden rescue organizations. You/your DH don’t have to foster- you (he) can volunteer there and take those needy dogs out for exercise. I have a friend who comes over from across town to volunteer at the one on this side of town. YOur DH could easily volunteer there as well, and it would be a win-win opportunity.
Seems like the vote is tied at one-to one.
Just need to find an interested third party willing to speak-up and make the tie breaking vote.
So if I kind of want to go to Paris, but DH really wants to go to Yellowstone, we go to Yellowstone and he makes all the arrangements.
This is good in theory for a dog decision, but the implementation part lasts years, and only you know whether your spouse can/will uphold the deal that long.
We recently (December) lost a cat, and at first when I brought up getting a new one, my husband was hesitant. My kids offered to “drop the kitten at our door,” but I said “no, we both really need to agree on this, because animals are a lot of work (not to mention the expense).
I gotta say - I love the idea of taking care of other people’s dogs when they’re out of town. I think we could get our dog fix that way! (I’m a dog person, but have cats because we haven’t had the lifestyle to have dogs for many years).
However, let's face it. The responsibility for pets generally falls on one person in the family. In my house, it's me, and it sounds like in yours, it's you. For that reason it seems fair for you to put your foot down about getting another if it's not something you want to take on. I have pushed back with my family on some things and for the most part we are all sharing the care since we're all home. But it does seem like everyone else goes about their lives as normal and I sometimes find myself planning my schedule around the dog.
I would let a little time pass before making any decisions and enjoy a little extra freedom and a hair free home. I think working with a rescue and fostering is not a bad compromise if you are open to it. At least you're not committing to anything permanent and your husband gets his dog fix.
So sorry to hear about your dog! Such a hard time for pet owners!