<p>I agree with Motherdear and NJres. It’s a question of respect, and if a son or daughter has a clear idea of house expectations, then it’s rude of them to do otherwise. I actually think that pretenses keep society functioning – letting “it all hang out” hasn’t worked that well for our generation. I prefer a little subterfuge.</p>
<p>We still have a younger child at home, and I would not feel comfortable endorsing college kids sleeping together here, even if they did away from home. </p>
<p>I just don’t like the message.</p>
<p>How about this scenario? The kids are in a committed relationship, there are no younger siblings and the parents have allowed them to stay together in the past. However, this year Grandma and Grandpa are visiting and they would find this upsetting and immoral. It’s not their house and space will be tight. Whose “rules” apply here?</p>
<p>For my family, what has worked best is, that while we respect our parents (the kids’ grandparents in this case), it’s our house, our rules. It works best that way for us. If we went to the grandparents house, the kiddies would have to sleep separately if that’s the house rules there.</p>
<p>On what her family wants…</p>
<p>When I was in college, my boyfriend’s mom allowed us to sleep in the same room when I visited, a practice which touched and gratified me (I felt pleased that she treated us like we had an adult relationship). </p>
<p>But when he came to my house, we slept in separate rooms–it wasn’t anything I cared to broach with my parents and I just felt it would be more respectful. It didn’t seem that odd to me that I was following two different rules; it’s just how it was. Different houses, different rules. </p>
<p>So my advice is to do what seems right to you; I wouldn’t worry about what her parents may feel, wish, or allow.</p>
<p>“You don’t have anything like the same relationship with your college-age child’s friends’ parents, but that doesn’t mean you don’t consider their feelings”</p>
<p>Re the scenario you described: I definitely am in favor of helping other parents look out for our kids, when they’re kids. The difference here is that college students are now adults. I still contend that it is none of the other set of parents’ business. It is the business of the parents whose home it is, but not the other parents who are not there and have nothing to do with it. If the girlfriend wants to disclose her sexual activities to her parents, that should be up to her. Being considerate of their feelings is always a good idea, of course, but their opinion on whether she should sleep with her boyfriend or not is her decision and I don’t see how her parents’ feelings on the matter have anything to do with anything in the above described scenario.</p>
<p>I think hoedown has a good perspective on it, in #25. If the parents or grandparents are going to get really uptight about it, then yeah, the couple can just control themselves for a few days and be considerate and not upset them. This was pretty standard for the older generation: we altered our behavior in front of the older folks all the time. So if we could do it, they can do it.</p>
<p>But, in this case, the OP did not seem to be THAT uptight about it. My impression was that she was a little unsure about how to respond, based mostly on the way she was brought up, and she seemed to me to be willing to adjust her thinking for the new generation. (If she had been very uptight, she never would have asked our opinions in the first place! It would have been unthinkable, and that was that.) So, in light of her attitude, that is why I have the opinion that she should just let it slide. If she doesn’t want to openly condone it, she can easily keep up appearances and just look the other way.</p>
<p>My mother used to provide two rooms but never requested we actually use both of them. She just expected discretion. She actually relaxed when her generation started visiting with their significant others!</p>
<p>My parents didn’t let me and my fiance sleep in the same bed until just recently (this summer). We had been together for nearly 6 years and engaged for over a year and they only had one spare bed left (the new pull-out sofa). I personally felt weirder about it than my parents did…</p>
<p>It really depends on the situation, (much) younger siblings, I can see the problem. However, my fiance’s mother would have let us sleep in the same room (I still opted for the sofa, it was more comfortable) about a year into our relationship when his younger sister was only 13. But then again, his mother is a realist who is a gynecologist at a college studetn health.</p>
<p>From my married-for-23-years point of view–there is plenty of time to be married and have quasi-married sex. Don’t expect Mama to help you ‘pretend’ that you are married. That’s not happening in hs or undergrad years. I’ve told both boys not to even ask me–and I’ve told them both that they will remember that slinky sex for the rest of their lives. I know I do … ;)</p>
<p>Be thankful you have beds.</p>
<p>I want to second the distinction between sleeping together (the euphemism) and sleeping together (a sleeping arrangement).</p>
<p>I agree with above posters that it’s unlikely that the kids are using the shared bed time for euphemism with parents right next door. It’s a sleeping arrangement. The flip side is that separate bedrooms will do nothing to keep euphemism from happening in the house…the only semi-reliable way to do that is to have a parent stay home all the time.</p>
<p>My mother actually came up with the idea for my boyfriend to move in with our family the summer after our freshman year (I was turning 21 that year). It was also her idea that we take the basement bedroom, which is more private. But as for any euphemisms that might be taking place in the bedroom, both then and now, my parents trust me to take care of myself and emphatically want to know nothing whatsoever about it. We frequently talk about sex in the abstract in my family, but when it comes to their kids’ actual sex lives, my parents strongly prefer blissful ignorance, and they just put their hands over their ears and sing “LA LA LA!” This has nothing to do with their morality; the rule applies to my married-with-children sisters as much as it does to me. Frankly, I think it just grosses them out…the same way most adults feel about their parents’ sex lives.</p>
<p>I’ve gotta admit, although I am against boyfriend/girlfriend sleeping together at our house, I also think there is a difference between a couple that has been together for a couple of years and perhaps engaged and a college freshman that has been dating someone for 3 months. As to the argument that if they are used to sleeping together at college and it’s hypocritical to have them sleep apart at parents homes, that does not hold water if they are in dorms. At least I don’t think there are too many roommates that are happy with boyfriend girlfriend sleepovers every single night. So, why not have them sleep apart while at parents homes, if the parents feel uncomfortable with it? Is it more important that the kids feel comfy, cozy while the parents are tossing and turning?</p>
<p>If it’s the euphemism that is the issue, you could give them a nice big comfy double bed, and a list of prohibited euphemisms. ;)</p>
<p>There is plenty of sleeping together in dorms. First of all, some kids have singles. Secondly, the roommates are often sleeping over somewhere else. They figure it out, trust me! Hey-we even did it back when I was in college, and we weren’t even supposed to HAVE opposite-sex visitors in the dorm past midnight or so.</p>
<p>I mean that yes, kids sleep together in colleges in dorms, but not every single night. Not like people that are married, or even live together. And I’m not even talking about having sex, I mean sleeping or whatever, they are not together every night and are not so accustomed to having someone next to them that it would be a great discomfort to not sleep together at the parents house. I have shared a bed with my husband for 28 years and can sleep just fine without him for a week or so. </p>
<p>I’m saying if it’s a choice between the young college students having to sleep in different rooms and the parents getting a good nights sleep versus the college students sleeping together and the parents having an uneasy sleep, I would go with the parents every time. I can’t tell if the OP is really uncomfortable or if she is just worried about losing some moral ground.</p>