1 Bed or 2? Sleeping Arrangement for DS/GF

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Help, Y’all!</p>

<p>DS, who has been acting difficult for the past couple of years, who has always been a high-touch kid, and who has struggled with anxiety and procrastination and ADD/LD/etc. in high school and in college, now has his very first girlfriend. She is very smart and participates in an endless chain of clubs, activities, etc. She is very versatile and very pleasant…though it is obvious she comes from a significantly wealthier background than our family’s. They have been going out since about the beginning of this freshman year. They are very close, almost soulmates…very bonded and very good to each other (i.e., nurturing, kind, considerate)…kind of like an old married couple. Together they are very mature and fun.</p>

<p><em>The Problem</em>–></p>

<p>In high school and just prior to college, I gave my son the talk about intimacy and maturity. I did not lecture, I just informed. One thing I made clear before he and his girlfriend came for a 3-day visit was that I expected that they would sleep in separate rooms; I wasn’t going to micromanage what they did in the late evening or overnight, but that I did want them separate. Well, night one, he slept on a sofa bed in one room, while she took his comfy full-size bed in another room. The second night, the sofa bed area was all cluttered with belongings and luggage and books and laptops. The next morning I found them sharing my son’s full-size bed, she under the covers, he on top of them. Arghhhhhhhh! Not wanting to make a *****-fit scene, I simply covered them both with a blanket and left…thinking what now. The third night (same clutter around and on the sofabed), once again I found them together. The kids are due to return here this week; she will be staying until she finally departs for home, quite a distance away. Again, who sleeps where. I think that it’s too late to separate them, because the “norm at our home” has already been established.</p>

<p>I am all over the lot on this. My generation, you generally did not share a bed before marriage. Sometimes young people slept together if they were engaged, etc. Times have changed a lot in the 35-40 years since I was DS’s age, so the norm is quite different.</p>

<p>Well, esteemed CC readers, what should I do? My inclination is to let it slide, but to have a talk with DS once girlfriend has gone, conveying propriety difficulties, etc. (i.e., do they expect to share a bed when he visits her some time in the future?). On another thread I posted how distant son was during last visit (my little man…all grown up with a girlfriend, but no job or income…such a man). I just feel very uncomfortable with the situation. I don’t want to do nothing, but I surely don’t want to overreact. Some help, please. I’d also welcome input from young people; I value your opinions, too!</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

2

<p>I think if you are very uncomfortable with the situation you should probably tell your son exactly that. Not in a judgemental way - just explain that you realise it is probably a generational difference, that you love having both him and his girlfriend in your home, but that you are uncomfortable with them sharing a bed.
By the way I am not one of the ‘young people’. I have a teen daughter and an older son. The son is in a commited relationship and is living with his girlfriend. I would probably not be uncomfortable with them sharing a room. The daughter is also in a very serious relationship but at this stage I would be uncomfortable. Not for gender reasons - more age and maturity. (not that this has been an issue yet). But what other people feel comfortable with is not the issue here - it is your home and what you feel comfortable with. Talk to him.</p>

3

<p>I faced this issue sooner than I had planned when we wound up with a hs girlfriend living at our house a few summers ago due to some family problems on her end. Long story, but she wound up in son’s room. I had a talk with the girl’s mother, and we both agreed that we would allow the sleeping arrangements to be that way in our homes. We wanted to know where the kids were and we didn’t want to be hypocritical. This was our decision and I can certainly understand the opposite view.
With my older child (D), we have allowed sharing her bedroom with her boyfriend during the college years. I knew the kids were sleeping together at college, and it just seemed silly to me to do the separate bedroom thing in our home. Again, this is how we operated, but isn’t something I think is right for all families.</p>

4

<p>Eh. Everyone is different. The way I look at it, what’s a little sex between good friends? You already know that neither is “saving themselves for marriage”. Were you a “saver” or an “investor”? ;)</p>

<p>If it makes you that uncomfortable, tell them that you’d feel better if they slink around. (You obviously aren’t fooled that you’d be doing anything else.) If not, give 'em a good night’s sleep. </p>

<p>Things could be A LOT WORSE!</p>

5

<p>Because my son and his girlfriend live in the same town we have not had to deal with this often, but it has come up a couple of times. One night gf was over here late and didn’t want to drive home; while son balked, I made them sleep in different rooms. I know they sleep together at school, but that doesn’t mean I have to allow it in my home, especially with younger children in the house! These “kids” are now 23 and travel together, so I am aware they sleep together; again just not in my house.</p>

<p>I am not a prude; my husband and I did sleep together before marriage in our teen years, but i would have been embarressed to sleep with him while his parents were in the next room!! Even after we were married I felt funny at his parent’s house, but not at my parents. I don’t understand the kids being so comfortable sleeping together knowing that the parents do not approve and are just down the hall!</p>

6

<p>This seems to come up every vacation. There are a bunch of prior threads, in which every attitude and shade of practice is represented by someone or another. Suffice it to say that things vary from family to family, parent to parent, and kid to kid. I don’t think there’s a right answer or a wrong answer, but there can be right and wrong answers for a particular family (and be prepared to find that your right answer is someone else’s moral depravity or shameless hypocrisy).</p>

<p>Also, it might be nice to know what the girlfriend’s family thinks. I wouldn’t want to breach their fundamental moral codes, and then find out later that their fundamental moral codes included honor killings and blood feuds. I’m not sure my first move would be to call them up and ask if they mind their daughter sleeping with your son at your home. I think I would start by discussing things with your son, including this area of concern.</p>

<p>By the way, my parents’ rule was always separate bedrooms, but usually on the third floor (where the spare bedroom was), and no 2 AM or 6 AM bedchecks. That worked fine until one holiday when there were a lot of guests and the sleeping arrangements were going to work out a whole lot better if I stayed with my girlfriend (who was a pretty serious girlfriend, mind you, now my spouse of 23 years) in the guest bedroom.</p>

7

<p>From a young person’s point of view, I don’t see the problem with one bed if they’re both comfortable with it. From personal experience, I doubt there’d be much hanky panky with parents’ beady eyes on them (as snowball said), but you know your son better than we do. It’s really not that uncommon nowadays.</p>

<p>

Males at that (my) age are a bit like young dogs; they get a bit bigheaded and try to test their assertiveness (i.e. dogs gradually working their way onto the sofa or bed, or stealing scraps from the table). If you feel uncomfortable with it, tell him. One rule was that they sleep in separate rooms; you have a right to complain if they don’t follow your rules. I definitely wouldn’t “let it slide,” even if you do let them share a bedroom.</p>

8

<p>ditto #6 – JHS great post.</p>

9

<p>You’ve already told son the sleeping arrangements you prefer and provided two rooms/two beds. They tried to honor your request, but were drawn closer each night. They still tried to keep up appearances by sleeping one in bed, one on top. That’s as close to a bundling board as you can get! (see definition below) I’d let sleeping dogs lie (no offense intended!) and stop opening the doors!</p>

<p>From Reference.com
“Bundling was the traditional practice of wrapping people together in a bed, usually as a part of courting behavior. The tradition is thought to have originated either in the Netherlands or in the British Isles and later became common in Colonial America, especially in Pennsylvania Dutch Country. The aim was to allow intimacy without sexual intercourse.
Traditionally, participants were adolescents, with a boy staying at the residence of a girl. They were given separate blankets by the girl’s parents and expected to talk to one another through the night. The practice was limited to the winter and sometimes the use of a bundling board, placed between the boy and girl, ensured that no sexual conduct would take place.”</p>

10

<p>We have a stricter household. No sleeping in the same room if couples aren’t married (and yes, room checks will be done not on the guest but on the family member with the guest).</p>

11

<p>The description of one under and one on top of the covers also reminded me of “bundling.” I say keep up the charade. Put him on the couch, and if they want to snuggle, so be it.</p>

12

<p>Your kids have grown up knowing your rules and your values. We all know they will be experimenting and choosing to abide by or break our rules while away, that doesn’t mean they cannot be expected to live by our rules in our homes. If you prefer they not sleep together in your home, then they shoudl respect that.</p>

13

<p>I agree with a lot of the other posters; it’s your call. If you’re OK with it, I don’t see a problem with “keeping the charade,” as NJres said above, and putting your son on the couch and turning your head if he’s not there in the morning. It doesn’t seem as if you are really against them sleeping together (as in, actually sleeping), so if I were you I would avoid the potential fight and not turn this into a very big deal. If you do feel uncomfortable with them sharing a bed, I think it’s fine to send your son an email saying that you expect them to sleep separately while in your home. Is there a room with two double beds? My oldest sister isn’t married but has had some long term boyfriends, and my parents always put them in a room that has two beds, leaving them to make the call while avoiding discussion about it.</p>

14

<p>As just about everyone has said, this is your call. At our house they would be in seperate rooms. We put extra guy friends in younger son’s room since he is the only one that has two beds. If there was stuff on the bed, I would ask it to be moved so it could be used for sleeping. You know that having to move things to uncover the bed is not a legitimate reason for sleeping together, right? How strongly do you feel about it? Are you REALLY uncomfortable? To me, it sounds like your son has just figured a way around your rules and you are asking if you are justified in reinforcing the rules but are really leaning towards throwing the rules out altogether.</p>

15

<p>A lot of college students, and couples, simply sleep together. Sleep together as in no sex, just snoozing.</p>

<p>It’s like sleeping with a pet but not. (That was a terrible comparison…)</p>

16

<p>I think it makes a difference whether there are younger siblings in the house. I could see having stricter rules if you do.</p>

<p>And I wouldn’t call the girlfriend’s parents until you know for sure that they know the couple is intimate. You don’t want to be in the position of being the lucky one to tell a father that his daughter is no longer a virgin. Granted, this was years ago, but some of my girlfriends’ parents felt very strongly on this issue. One of my friends was pretty much kicked out of her house when her family learned how intimate she and boyfriend had become. </p>

<p>(Although I always thought it amusing how my friends’ parents refused to let their daughters go on trips/vacations with their college boyfriends, as if the stay in a hotel room would precipitate the sex.)</p>

17

<p>"My generation, you generally did not share a bed before marriage. "</p>

<p>You just answered your own question. They do NOT belong to your generation, so imo it’s ridiculous to apply your generation’s rules and values.</p>

<p>I agree wholeheartedly with post #3.</p>

<p>I disagree wholeheartedly with post #6 and $16. Say, what? Tell the girl’s parents she is no longer a virgin??? Um, this girl is over 18, right? Then it is none of her parents’ (or anyone else’s) business! The girl is not a child so speaking with her parents would just cause a lot of unnecessary friction. Why involve yourself in her relationship with her parents? I emphatically veto that.</p>

<p>My hubby started having sex at 15, not unusual for a male (and even a female these days.) And I at 18. Why should we expect our kids to do any different? We prefer to be realistic. Our primary concern with our son was that he know about the possible consequences of engaging in adult behaviors. Then we allowed him to make his own decisions. His first steady and intimate girlfriend was allowed to spend the night on weekends, and sleep in his room. They were both past the age of consent. Her mom knew she was spending the night, so there was no deception. I feel better knowing they are safe in the house and not parked in an alley someplace. We still have the ‘overnight guests on weekends only’ rule simply because it’s not convenient to have to deal with house guests during the week. </p>

<p>Just to clarify, I am certainly not advocating having young girls spend the night while lying to the parents. But for college students, I would honor and respect their decisions regarding sleeping arrangements as long as they were not disruptive to the household, just the same as I would honor and respect any other house guest.</p>

<p>I am NOT saying to allow anything and everything. For example, drugs, obviously, should never be allowed. But snuggling, and intimacy between 2 adults who obviously have a strong, happy relationship? Why on earth do parents think that they have the right to impose restrictions just because it is ‘their house?’ What does it matter whose house it is? I’ve never understood that one.</p>

<p>My suggestion:</p>

<p>If it makes you feel better to believe that they are just bundling, then look the other way and tell yourself they’re just bundling. But just be sure to knock before entering!</p>

<p>Regarding a far more important matter, you son seems to have done very well for himself. I’m glad to hear he is happy!</p>

<hr>

<p>“I think it makes a difference whether there are younger siblings in the house. I could see having stricter rules if you do.”</p>

<p>Having said all that, I do agree with this; that is, assuming your values include not exposing young children to the concept of premarital sex. In that case, I’d suggest that you insist that your son be discreet. You most certainly DO have the right to protect your younger children from anything you deem unacceptable!</p>

<hr>

<p>You also mentioned that your son seemed distant last time he visited. That makes it even more important, imo, to not make a big deal about this. Why cause friction between you and him over something that you know goes on in college anyway?</p>

18

<p>The forbidden fruit is the juiciest. Why take that away from our kids? Let them be kids and slink around a little. I agree with the house rules theory (because we all know when the cat’s away the mice will play).</p>

19

<p>I want to clarify that I did NOT suggest calling the girl’s parents – in fact I ridiculed that idea. I advocated taking their sensibilities into account (as I would hope someone hosting my child would take my sensibilities into account, not that I have many).</p>

<p>Back in middle school, we kept track of the positions of our kids’ friends’ parents on what movies their kids were allowed to watch. I stopped censoring my kids’ movies at 12-13, but they were not allowed to have friends over to watch movies the friends would not be allowed to see at home, unless I knew the parents didn’t mind. You don’t have anything like the same relationship with your college-age child’s friends’ parents, but that doesn’t mean you don’t consider their feelings (and, more importantly, insist that the kids consider their feelings). After all, with a college romance there’s at least some significant risk that these people are going to be part of your life (and your holiday competition) for years. Why start out on a horrible foot?</p>

<p>Luckily, I really haven’t had to deal with this yet. We have had my son’s non-girlfriend girl friend staying with us a few weekends when her parents were away, and have always given her a separate bedroom as per her mother’s explicit instructions. But sometimes they just fall asleep talking on his floor. Ooops. This is clearly not a sexual relationship, though, so it feels like there’s less at stake in the appearances.</p>

20

<p>Chances are the actual sex will take place when you’re out during the day anyway. It can be weird to have sex when parents are down the hall or heaven forbid on the other side of the wall.</p>