<p>Random thoughts while driving today. S was going with his GF of 5 years with some of her family out of town for a couple days - one thought led to another in my mind while driving - if he were to tell me they were becoming engaged which I fully expect at some point) , what would be the things I would want to say ask them if they have discussed(and which many of them they probably have !)</p>
<p>Here’s a few I came up with:</p>
<p>Children
If children, when
Religion ( they are slightly different )
Finances - how to split the responsibility or who’s in charge
Jobs - expectations
Apt living vs house hunting
Wedding needs or expectations
Current things they may be unhappy with</p>
<p>Finances is a lot more than who’s in charge - it’s agreeing on how much to save, how much to spend, how much to borrow and getting everyone on board with not using credit cards for credit.</p>
<p>And maybe where they would like to live long term. D1 is working through this with her longterm BF now. RIght now they live in the same city near where he grew up. But I think she would like to move back to our city to raise a family… they are negotiating.</p>
<p>Household chores-it sounds mundane but the worst fight H and I ever had was over laundry. Let’s just say that it’s a miracle that everything he owns isn’t either blue or pink because he has always put darks nad lights together. He also bleaches his whites and I am allergic to bleach. And so on. There’s cleaning house and the “lived in” look that might make one person sure it’s a pigsty. So yeah, household stuff.</p>
<p>And I don’t think as a parent I would ask this, but absolutely couples need to discuss sex and expectations/interests/etc. I suppose that’s only necessary for virgins but it’s really not true that you can just figure it out as you go along.</p>
<p>And I agree that finances is much, much more than who is in charge.</p>
<p>I am extremely reluctant to have such in depth discussions about issues like these, because it seems to me that, should you say for example that you don’t want children, then you are bound by that for the entire marriage. Should you change your mind later, you will have to get divorced. OTOH, if the other person indicates that they definitely don’t want children and you think you MIGHT, then you should probably look elsewhere. </p>
<p>Well… change is a topic in itself. Do you think your partner can handle the inevitable changes that will come in life? Career changes, kids with challenges or disabilities, changing hobbies, health issues, changes in religious views, etc. I guess that is not so much a topic for a parent to suggest they discuss, but a criteria that both parties should consider before committing. It is one of the challenges that is at the heart of making a marriage work over the long term, I think.</p>
<p>Schooling is important! I know several couples who quarrel over whether the wife should give up her career and become a stay at home mom to home school, or whether to enroll the child in school.</p>
<p>Yes @sseamom on chores, and yes @VaBluebird on travel. I see my oldest d and her husband struggle to work out chore distribution, and also see what happens when one partner puts off, forgets, or tries to wiggle out of doing what he (yup, he) previously agreed to do. She’s frustrated, as I was when this was an issue early in my marriage. I don’t know that my husband and I ever really worked it out … it’s more that other, more serious issues came up and once those were sorted out, the kids were out of the house and there weren’t many chores left. Doesn’t help my d, who is just 2 years into her marriage.</p>
<p>Travel - I wish we had even thought to discuss this. It’s important to me, less so to him. But early in our marriage, we had so little money and lived so far from our parents that we got into the habit of spending our vacations with them. Regret is a pointless emotion, but if I could change one thing about the last 35 years, it would be that!</p>
<p>Topics in the premarital counseling survey that I use:
communication
things about the partner that the other would like to change (no unrealistic expectations of change, or can change?) -some things get more irritating after being legally committed/no escape
activities shared and separately - expectations (okay for one to stop for drinks after work?,etc)
credit card/debt expectations and agreements
in law issues
chore issues
pooled financial resources or separate accounts and who pays what
children and childcare expectations
religious expectations
issues from past relationships - if either divorced, how is this relationship different? Baggage?
who is more passive? assertive? how are agreements made and disagreements resolved?
holiday expectations
sex (I have actually married a few virgins)
life insurance
There’s more but I just came back from vacation and brain’s asleep.</p>
<p>I think sex only really matters when considering what someone is willing to do. I don’t see being a virgin as a problem (Hubby and I were virgins!). But I think before marriage, it is important to be aware of what your partner is expecting you to do. If there is something your partner really wants that you know that you are not willing to do, that will probably be a major topic of conversation over the course of the marriage. You generally want to avoid things like that.</p>
<p>I think my fiance and I have discussed every single thing here so far. Although, we’ve lived with each other for 3+ years so there are very few things which haven’t come up. </p>
<p>Another one I’d like to add: pets! I had friends who recently got married and one was all set to get a dog as soon as they bought a house and the other HATES the idea of a dog. They’ve been fighting about it for weeks. </p>
<p>My H was a master at wiggling out of doing chores, even ones that he had assigned himself. I think that if I had looked hard enough at that issue beforehand, I would have realized that he had never done his fair share of chores when living with roommates. </p>
<p>I think that if a BF/GF sees that his/her SO is organized and has a routine of doing chores (correctly - not sloppily), then it may be an indication that the trend will continue.</p>
</p>
It should take care of student loans.</p>