<p>^^
…I would think it IS a sign of trouble. Well adjusted people don’t cut themselves…</p>
<p>you’re right… badly phrased. </p>
<p>Actually, it’s most accurate to say cutting can be a sign trouble that may be major or minor… There’s a tremendous element of monkey-see, monkey-do faddism in this area. Before the practice became well publicized, as everything is these days, who had ever heard of any kid cutting? The fact that OP’s son and ALL these girls were cutting shows how this can simply be a desire to experiment and/or be included in a group–not a healthy thing, but not a sign of mental illness either. Of course OP needs to address this with appropriate professionals, but it would be way premature to jump to conclusions about depression or any other disorder.</p>
<p>“He is leaving on a school trip tomorrow - I’m glad none of “the girls” are going.”</p>
<p>I so feel your pain. This is a really scary thing. It is a mistake to think things will be better because the girls are not going. As others have said, getting your son into therapy asap with someone experienced with adolescents is really important. Even if he thinks he doesn’t need that. Stay strong and stay on top of it. You will likely have steps forward and steps back, but you will be moving in the right direction. </p>
<p>@momofthreeboys your comment “Well adjusted people don’t cut themselves…” sounds so judgmental to me. I am guessing that you didn’t mean it to be, and maybe I am just sensitive about this subject. Any parent who is going through this or has gone through this feels helpless and terrible about the situation. A little compassion and support goes a long way in helping everyone deal with this. </p>
<p>I am a pastor and the mom of a young woman who was cutting at your son’s age. I found out the same way you did, via a call from the guidance office after friends reported it. I was really upset that it took that, rather than my noticing how much pain my daughter was in, but it was important to focus on her issues and not my own.</p>
<p>She worked with a therapist who dealt specifically with adolescents, and was able to quit the cutting quickly, and also resolve the emotional pain that lead to it a bit more slowly. One of the first things the therapist did was give her an alternative to cutting that caused a bit of physical pain but did not lead to scarring or risk of infections. That provided a bridge while the emotional issues were dealt with.</p>
<p>As to the youth pastor and counselor from your church: spiritual support is great, and it’s a good thing. But I get a tad nervous about the counselor, as there are a range of spiritual counselors. Is this person trained by a secular school or a Bible college? The best church-related counselors offer a blend of spiritual counselling and psychological counselling (I work with one of those to deal with my post traumatic stress disorder when it acts up). But at worst, there are some who just spout out Bible verses and do not get to the heart of the matter, and can compound guilt and pain rather than help resolve it. For example, I’ve dealt with women surviving sexual assault who have simply been told to forgive the rapist and let go of the past - things that DO need to be done eventually, but there is much else that needs to be resolved first, or children of abusive parents being told that they must submit to them.</p>
<p>There are ways to combine your faith and deal with whatever counseling needs to be done. And perhaps a support group to give your son a healthy peer group instead of these girls he’s hanging with. One way out there thing to consider - is it possible that he may be gay? Would this be okay with you? That MIGHT be a reason for cutting. Often cutting is a way to substitute a temporary physical pain for a deeper spiritual one he wants to avoid. Our local chemistry teacher’s son cut himself, partly because his conservative parents refused to accept his sexuality.</p>
<p>It’s been ten years and my daughter is a very emotionally healthy young woman.</p>
<p>Sending hugs. The psychiatrist can also evaluate your son about his ADHD diagnosis and the possibility of any comorbid diagnosis. He/She will also prescribe medication and evaluate the effectiveness. The medication must be the correct one for the diagnosis, the correct dose and taken at the correct time of day. The psychiatrist will be the one to determine this. I would avoid a youth minister at this point until you have a handle on the medical issues.</p>
<p>KKmama, your post is encouraging…glad your D is healthy!</p>
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<p>Yes, and then add to your point my point about it being addictive. A teen may start as an experiment or because “everyone” is doing it, but may then find him/herself addicted to the endorphines it releases.</p>
<p>Although I’m pretty sure it goes without saying, any psychological/medical evaluation should be done with no parents in the room. What you need is an honest answer to the “have you considered suicide” question.</p>
<p>Ditto the counselling meetings without mom or dad present. The teen needs to have absolute trust in the therapist and that includes confidentiality. Sometimes they do not want the parent to know what the issues are, at least until they feel strong enough to confront or confide in them.</p>
<p>Which could be another detriment to church-related counselors. I support troubled members while they are in therapy with a trained counselor. John or Mary might appreciate the prayers and the biblical/spiritual discussions that are related to their issues, but they might have a problem sitting next to me at a board meeting or pot luck dinner aware that I know deep dark secrets about them. And it is REALLY hard when I know those deep dark secrets and have to interact with their families (knowing the source of pain without permission to tell mom or son or whoever before John or Mary does, thinking they could help but knowing it is not my place - or my right - to do do). If the youth pastor or counselor hear something that they think you should know, and being bound by ordination vows not to be able to, it puts them in a tough spot - easier on a counselor who only has a relationship with your son.</p>
<p>I drove my daughter to the appointments. For her first appointment, I was asked to sit in for a bit at the beginning and give my concerns for her, and to be informed about the fact that the therapist was my daughter’s and not mine. After that, sometimes I was invited in at the end to hear something that needed to be said (like the suggested alternative to cutting) or to have my daughter voice something to me with the therapist’s support.</p>
<p>One fortuitous thing that happened: the therapist’s office was 45 minutes away from our house. One of the best places to talk to teens is in cars- something about that no eye contact and enclosed (womb-like?) environment. We were really able to discuss things while driving or stopping for fast food along the way that worked well with the therapy. Therapist gave her the strength and skills to open up, and time alone allowed that to happen on the way home.</p>
<p>So maybe look for a therapist out of town.</p>
<p>The pastoral counselor at church is LCSW LMFT and it’s a fairly mainstream congregation, but I appreciate the comments and will take them into consideration.</p>
<p>So, do you think this is being caused by medication, peer pressure, or deeper emotional issues? As a parent, I would think you would have some handle on what’s really going on, here. That’s not meant to be judgmental btw so I hope that’s not how it comes off. But, I cannot imagine not knowing what’s going on with my 13-year old to the point that some school counselors opinion would out-weigh my own. </p>
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<p>I’m bothered by this because it makes “cutting” sound like some normal 'teen" behavior. It is seriously not normal and kids aren’t doing it because “everyone” is doing it. </p>
<p>KKmama - I apprecite your posts having gone through this myself. </p>
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<p>Unfortunately 13 is an age at which a kid can have a private life that is completely hidden from his/her parent(s). Good, bad, or otherwise, that’s the way it goes. Of course the parent can often know something is wrong without having any idea whatsoever what’s going on in the psyche of his/her kid.</p>
<p>Interesting. And, so not my experience. I’m actually fascinated by this. At 13 I drive my kids to school and activities and basically spend the rest of the evening with them. They just don’t have secrets. It would literally be impossible. </p>
<p>And, I am no way saying there aren’t occasional issues. But, we talk a lot. Endlessly.</p>
<p>For those of you who think it is impossible not to know, do you see your kids undressed on a regular basis? In winter, especially, it is easy for kids to hide cuts. And as for the implements, my D took those little pencil sharpeners apart and used those blades. Another factor is as someone has already mentioned…who had heard of cutting when we were teens? As parents, I think we keep an eagle eye out for signs of drinking, drug use, early sexual activity…but most of us don’t even know to look for signs of cutting.</p>
<p>The lure of cutting eludes me as a coping mechanism. Doesn’t this hurt?</p>
<p>To clarify, I don’t think it’s impossible not to know, at all. Even my kids have told me that our family is weird. Most of their friends apparently don’t tell their parents anything. Why, I don’t really know. </p>
<p>@actingmt, it’s not what they tell you, it’s what they don’t tell you.</p>
<p>See, now all of you are having the conversation that is going on in my head. Which is kind of a relief, to be quite honest.</p>
<p>Exactly, oldmom. You may have the world’s most perfect parent-child relationship, in your opinion, but if a kid is troubled enough to be cutting, there is something they are not telling you, and NO, you cannot just “know”. And actingmt, unless your 13 yo still gets naked in front of you, uses the bathroom while you stand there watching, and sleeps in your room with you, they would have the opportunity to cut in your home while you are there without your knowing. And unless you are in school with them, they have chances to cut at school.</p>
<p>MY D’s friend had to account for every moment of her day and had very involved parents, and they still didn’t know. Kids are not velcro-ed to their parents. There is a lot they can do without us knowing.</p>
<p>Agentninetynine-the way I understand it is that the real pain of the moment takes away attention to the emotional pain a person is trying to escape, like taking drugs or drinking might do. Unless the person is a true hard-wired masochist, they’re not doing it because they like the pain, it’s just a substitute for dealing with other pain.</p>