<p>But, if the kid is troubled enough to be cutting wouldn’t you notice that the kid was troubled? I had a troubled high schooler for a while so please don’t misunderstand my posts. Also, at 13 I did see my daughter naked plenty because trying on clothes was a popular pastime and we don’t really do privacy. My son, less so. But, if he was locked in the bathroom for a long time I would ask what was happening in there. It’s not at all about making them account for every moment, though. We just live together with doors open, that’s all.</p>
<p>I have heard stories about every possible imaginable dysfunctional friend, including the girl who shot herself in the stomach instead of going to Moot Court so I am not unaware of teenage issues. My only point to the OP is to pay attention to your gut and don’t just turn over the issue to so-called experts if you feel like know your child. That’s a big if, I guess.</p>
<p>But, I will be forever thankful that when my own kid was troubled we talked it out and toughed it out and survived it with any counselors, clergy, therapists, doctors, or drugs. And, I’m not saying that will work for everyone but sometimes it is the best option. </p>
<p>@Agentninetynine I can’t speak for all people who cut, of course, but regarding the action as a coping mechanism, I can explain my own past motivations. When I was in/approaching a panic attack, it would impact me physically - I’m not exaggerating when I say that at times, my head felt on the brink of exploding. My mind, too, was completely unfocused. The pain of the cuts brought me out of that mental fuzziness, in a way.</p>
<p>Wow, this post is starting off on a disturbing note. My apologies.</p>
<p>@sseamom You hit the nail on the head there. @actingmt Not entirely. I know a lot of mentally troubled people who appear perfectly “normal” on the outside; even during my period of instability, which I mentioned above, I seemed like a perfectly average (if slightly antisocial) A/B student. My parents never suspected that anything was wrong; from what I can tell, unless you’re specifically looking for something, you’ll often overlook smaller signs.</p>
<p>I think it can be harder to see trouble with boys because they tend to “share” less even when things are going well, so there may be no real difference in outward behavior if something is wrong. This would apply to quieter girls, too, of course. My two are typical, female/outspoken/dramatic and male/quiet/reserved. I always have to dig a little deeper to see what’s going on with my son. </p>
<p>“But, I will be forever thankful that when my own kid was troubled we talked it out and toughed it out and survived it with any counselors, clergy, therapists, doctors, or drugs. And, I’m not saying that will work for everyone but sometimes it is the best option.”</p>
<p>@actingmt, I am so glad that approach worked out for you, but please do not characterize it as the “best option” Unless you have had a kid with this particular issue, you really have no idea what it is like As I said, I am glad your approach worked for you, but please do not belittle the work of therapists, doctors, clergy and even medication. Your comment stigmatizes those options which is not helpful. </p>
<p>My heart goes out to the OP and her son. Obviously, something is troubling her son and I agree that he should be evaluated by professionals. As much as we love our kids, we can’t solve all their problems. My own college aged D is going through some severe anxiety issues (thousands of miles away) and all I can do is reassure her that I am there. She has been seeing a therapist off and on since junior high school and it has really helped. Sometimes it is nice to have someone impartial to talk to. </p>
<p>Just a word about young teen boys and counselling, however. Our own S was struggling in 8th grade and we took him to a therapist. It was very difficult to get him to open up and talk. It took many sessions to finally figure out that he was being bullied because of his sexuality. We already knew he was gay and were completely supportive - but he didn’t want us to know what was going on at school and that some of the bullying was coming from his own foster brother. So…while it was good that we took him to a therapist, it took a while to get to the bottom of the issue.</p>
<p>Geez, I said sometimes and stigmatized nothing. And, believe it or not I know more than you seem to think about almost every kind of dysfunction. Lucky me.</p>
<p>Diaphonousdoll, I want to thank you for your courage to tell you story here. I’m glad you’re doing better now. I wish you well in the future.</p>
<p>Actingmt-your household is unusual in that your children 1) don’t have much privacy and don’t seem to mind 2) they tell you absolutely everything about their lives and 3) when they do have problems you can solve them without any outside help of any kind. I do not know a single family personally that can claim all of that. You are extraordinarily lucky.</p>
<p>Good discussion. Warmest thoughts to OP and family.
Another thing to consider: who would S prefer to talk with?<br>
I agree that a qualified therapist, not a clergy member, would be appropriate. If there are different therapists to consider, possibly based on health insurance, perhaps the S has a preference according to gender or location. Respect for S’s preference, if feasible, may promote his engagement in the counseling relationship.</p>
<p>In addition to a cleric feeling discomfort at knowing parishioners’ private business, a child/teen may not want his personal business known by a member of the church community, despite the cleric’s respect for confidentiality. Being able to leave one’s issues in “the therapists office” can be part of the therapeutic process.</p>
<p>In our case it was the child who from all outward appearance was the “perfect” child. The pressure was all internal and that was how it felt safe to release it. A sharp piece of broken plastic works as well as a metal blade. </p>
<p>It wasn’t anything you did as a parent or that you could have seen coming. The job now is to let him know you love him no matter what and you want and are willing to get him any help he needs. </p>
<p>mom60, wow i honestly don’t know how to begin. A piece of plastic, randomly cutting thigh or wrist, is what a novice does. One of my patients nearly died, because she accidentally hit an artery. She ended up in rehab. Many have their tools. They cut in precise ways 1/4 inch cuts. Others cut at random. Sometimes they write words, e.g. “slut”, “fat pig” into their bellies or thighs. One needs to know if this is an impulsive teen or one more OCD. The danger is the same, but the treatment is quite different. This is for the most sophisticated therapist you can find. </p>
<p>actingmt, until my daughter’s guidance counselor called me, I would have thought the same thing you do - that my daughter could (and did) tell me everything and anything. She was very affectionate and we talked all the time about all kinds of things. Excellent grades, enjoyed participating in community theatre productions, looked perfectly content with life. Shared her worries with me (not all of them, as it turns out, but enough that I thought she was at the time). Since it was November, I hadn’t really seen her stomach and thighs in a couple of months, and the cuts were small enough that she could do costume changes without the other performers noticing. </p>
<p>Yeah, I’m obviously not making my point, here. Maybe, the OP got it. But, no-one else seems to want to consider the plain fact that not every teenager with issues is best served by rushing off to a psychiatrist for treatment. Believe it or not this stuff is really quite common. Degree matters, and we don’t know the degree of this particular problem. It doesn’t sound like the OP knows, either.</p>
<p>Bookworm- you misinterpreted my point. I wanted to let it be known that you don’t have to see metal blades in your child’s room or bathroom drawer. I know way more about this topic then I want to post in an online forum. I know how serious this issue can be. </p>
<p>If OP doesn’t know the degree to which this is serious – all the more reason to get help. I believe with mental health, over-reacting is better than under-reacting. I wish I had over-reacted with my son. It would perhaps have saved him (and his parents) a lot of anguish later. </p>
<p>Someone earlier in the thread brought up a good point: the importance of finding a good fit in terms of counseling – and I’ll add, a good fit in terms of meds, if necessary. My son saw 3 therapists before he found someone he could open up to, and who could also actually help him. He also had a couple different meds/combinations of meds before he found the type and dosage that worked. </p>
<p>She thinks the original meds may be the cause of the problem. I know if I sent my kid down the path of meds and therapists what was a miserable 3- month long problem period would likely still be an ongoing mental health issue. But, I agree this is tricky stuff. I’m not saying don’t get help. That would be silly. I’m saying get educated about what help will be helpful. I’ve seen way too much unhelpful help to think help is a solution. I could write a book about unhelpful help. omg. </p>
<p>“I’m saying get educated about what help will be helpful. I’ve seen way too much unhelpful help to think help is a solution. I could write a book about unhelpful help”</p>
<p>Unfortunately what’s helpful for one person isn’t helpful for another. You can educate yourself all you want, but if the approach you think should/would help – and it isn’t – you just have to keep trying. And sometimes the track you think won’t lead anywhere proves to be the one that does the trick. </p>
<p>Well, of course. My original point was simply that you have to know what’s going on and you have to know your kid. I’m actually a little amazed by the number of posters who think that’s not possible. That’s first. imho.</p>
<p>Please forgive me. I went back and reread your posts and your clearly understand the issues. I over reacted to word “plastic”, as I haven’t met a repeat cutter who uses a plastic object. </p>