<p>This story is too long to tell in detail. My 17 year old niece has been engaging in self-destructive behavior for years, and now is in a relationship with a 20 year old who she met on the internet, has a criminal record, no job and no education and lives 40 minutes away. My niece has lied constantly and thinks that she is manipulating my sister, who for the most part, has been on to her and has taken action every time she’s been caught. My niece has been hunting down men on the internet and immedately engaging in sexual banter and at times, sometimes secretly meeting them and doing who knows what.</p>
<p>My niece is a good student who has already been accepted at the college in town. With all of the lies and deception, my sister does not know what to do. She and her husband are together and have always provided her with a good home. They took away her car and cell phone and niece immedately got a pay as you go cell phone from someone she knows at school and is lieing to my sister about it. Niece has also been accepted at other colleges outside the area and will turn 18 in a month and a half. My sister and her husband have saved for years to pay for their daughter’s education and intend to do so, but at the same time, they feel like they are being held hostage to her self-destructive ways.</p>
<p>They are in family counseling, as of yesterday. But today my sister found pregnancy tests and a phone charger in her room - although niece is denying that she is seeing this man and that she has a cell phone. Does anyone have any experience with a daughter like this? The counselor’s first impression is that she suffers from low self-esteem based upon the information provided by her parents - she is meeting with my niece today. Niece has always been overweight, although she was involved in sports. Niece also goes to a private all-girls school, but interacts with the nearby all boy school her brother attends.</p>
<p>Her parents are desperate and have no idea whether they should pay for college? Let her keep her job which empowers her (although my sister has to drive her)? Her brother is so embarassed and my niece is aggressive and mean towards her family. My niece does have ADD and is medicated. Has anyone had any experience with anything that has worked? They are running out of time and I told her how helpful CC has been to me and I am hoping that someone has an idea.</p>
<p>I would agree that somesort of program to empower her, could help redirect her.</p>
<p>I was this girl, only I dropped out of school before graduating,( college had never been on the radar) moved in with a young man who sold drugs ( who ironically encouraged me to go back to school) and had been having sex since I was 15.</p>
<p>My parents weren’t able to know what to do, and when my father died when I was 17, my mother basically threw up her hands. However, I do think that something, perhaps Outward Bound, can give young adults skills to find who they are, and not just what they have allowed themselves to be pushed toward, much faster than the usual route of * trying everything that doesn’t work, before you find something that does*</p>
<p>I wish I had more advice, but if they decide to pay for college, I would make Depo-Provera or an IUD a condition of receiving tuition, and I’d take her to the doctor myself. The vast majority of mistakes she makes at this age can be fixed later on. Having a baby by some sketchy internet criminal is not one of them.</p>
<p>I personally would say no to paying for college until she can stop the lying and self-destructive behavior. She clearly isn’t ready for it until she/they figure out what the problem is…they will probably be throwing their money away and/or enabling her to get even further over her head (I’d worry about STDs as much as pregnancy…)
I wish them luck and hope they get to the bottom of things. The counselor is an excellent first step.</p>
<p>I would hestitate to withdraw college funding now, even though I agree it might be a waste. I’d likely give reasonable, conditional funding, based on academics just like a scolarship. Keep grades up, no school or legal discipline, 2.5? 3.0?
Remember too that all college funding isn’t up front. Family may have 20k set aside, but if student flunks out of first semester then it wasn’t too costly. Student would then be on her own if she chose to go back.
Of course my ideas only deal with the symptoms and not the cause.</p>
<p>I really think this is the kind of issue for the family to discuss and work out with their counselor. That’s what they’re paying the counselor for.</p>
<p>Northstarmom - I agree. They are working through the counselor. My sister wondered whether the wise parents on CC have been through this and could provide some additional ideas. They’ve tried counselors and it hasn’t been successful. This is the first time they’ve tried family counseling but due to her upcoming birthday, they don’t have a lot of time. It’s always good to hear the experiences and ideas of others. </p>
<p>I passed along the Outward Bound idea and my sister thought it was a great idea - although it is expensive. A break with the city and focus on my niece would probably be helpful. Has anyone had experience with Outward Bound?</p>
<p>My sister does not want to withdraw funding for college because she does not want to destroy her daughter’s future and hopes that one day she will come out of this stage. This is the difficulty, because my sister feels held hostage by her daughter who knows how much her parents value education. It’s hard to think about supporting a child who is engaging in risky behavior and is directly defying her parents. My sister is heartbroken, as am I.</p>
<p>That’s one thought they’ve had - but they are afraid that if they put her in a position of having to make a choice, at this point, she’ll choose moving out and they are afraid of what could happen. Their goal is to break through to their D and to help her stay on track academically. They may threaten withholding college in order to make sure she goes to counseling and possibly to Outward Bound or some other trip - in addition to gpa maintainence.</p>
<p>If they postpone funding now, that will certainly give the impression that they have reneged on their word to daughter, and will look like they have prevented her from attending college. That would be hard on the student, and hard on the integrity of the parent; would teach a bad lesson to an already troubled kid.
Better to start to fund it with clear expectations of conditions, and if necessary then stop it, rather than to stop it now on the speculation that student will not do well.</p>
<p>I’ve not personally had the Outward Bound experience but I do know someone who found it so successful for his older daughter that he sent his younger one there when it looked like she was headed down the same not so great path.</p>
<p>We told our children, prior to enrollment (really, prior to applying) that their college education would be our gift to them with the following conditions.
They must obtain a degree and were required to take out the unsubsidized federal loans. Also, they had to continue to make progression toward a degree as a full time student. Once they stopped the progression, they would need to begin repaying our investment to date.
Of course, unforeseen illnesses which stopped the progression would not obligate the repayment.</p>
<p>I haven’t had experience w/ Outward Bound, but a buddy has had her son attend a “tough love” program in Colorado. The family wasn’t allowed to visit for the first 6 months and he wasn’t allowed to come home until his program was completed. </p>
<p>He loved it though, and it truly saved this kid. Now he attends a slightly less rigid program in North Carolina and about to enter college as a freshman at the age of 24. All his friends are rather envious of his timing. See, this kid is now ready to go to college and be a directed student, but his friends who have graduated never got out their “free-wheeling spirit”. They are not at all ready to set their path towards their future.</p>
<p>As I read your original post, I worried your niece is just going through the steps towards college as if she’s entitled. She doesn’t sound ready at all. It’s not like high school. Now she has to make a concerted effort towards growing up, making good decisions, and doing what’s best. I’m thinking she’ll waste year of college funds if she’s not ready.</p>