<p>It is pretty common for my kids and their friends to have co-ed sleepovers in HS. Most of them live over .5 hour away from school. On weekends they would crash over each other’s houses rather than drive over an hour home sometimes. D1 had 16 closest friends in HS (boys and girls) and they slept over each other houses often, especially when there is a after dance party at someone’s house.</p>
<p>I appreciate all the constructive information and was relieved to find out that so many of you have daughters and sons in the same predictament. Thank you for helping to alleviate some of my concerns and that it should improve in college. It is painful for me to watch my daughter miss out right now and to know that it bothers her. To answer some of your questions:
- We live in the South and attend a very traditional school. Dances are huge (homecoming even more so than prom). There is a clearly defined approach - dates are hugely important and girls are often asked in creative ways, the day of the dance is well structured - picture parties, dinner, etc… The frenzy for homecoming dates begins as the school year starts even though the dance is 2 months away. I remember in 9th grade attending a new parents meeting and the head of the PTA in her talk joked about homecoming and suggested that all parents of girls without dates stand on one side of the room and the parents of boys without dates stand on the other side and then you can pair up. Then the principal closed out his remarks with the comment - “I hope your kids find dates”. Most parents laughed or look relieved that it didn’t apply to them, I personally cringed inside. One of my daughter’s friends in 9th grade was told bluntly by another girl that “picture parties are for people with dates - you can just meet us at the dance”. So it is a sort of bizarre atmosphere.</p>
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<li>I do not know why my daughter’s friends have not tried to fix her up. In my opinion,my daughter doesn’t have a “best friend” to look out for her - I consider the girls she hangs out with to be casual friends at best. I think that when many social activities come up - she is an afterthought to include. She actually went through a phase where the only social activities she participated in were the ones she initiated. As I said in the OP, boys ask her about whether or not other girls will go with them - but never her. I know that she did say something to one boy that she wouldn’t be going because she didn’t have a date and his reply was “maybe someone will ask you” but no offer to help. I think my daughter may be viewed as “undatable” at this point and probably does intimidate boys because she does appear to have it all together. But she doesn’t 
She is also very busy with homework, practice, and the various leadership roles she has taken on at school and probably doesn’t socialize that much.</li>
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<p>I agree with all the posters that we should have a sub-group to set our kids up (ha ha) - it appears we have an amazing group of sons and daughters. Anybody in Georgia? I hope all of our kids go on to meet someone that will think they are the most amazing person and get so much joy out of being with them and bring out the best in each other!</p>
<p>Smog - where do you live? I love this approach to prom - high school is hard enough and to have a “dateless” prom is sheer genius!</p>
<p>“Why would there have needed to have been a co-ed sleepover?”
I mis-spoke. Actually, H and I would not deal with the sleep-over. D would have had to deal with the fact that A) it wouldn’t happen at our house and B) if it happened at another house, she would not be permitted to go.</p>
<p>I’ve never had to deal with co-ed sleepovers before this year (prom culture has not been one of after prom parties and co-ed sleepovers), and probably would have been in the “absolutely not” category if you had asked me this question last year. But this year, D went to two proms, both with after prom parties and co-ed sleepovers. </p>
<p>Kids got to the after party at 1 am, partied till 4 am (or later) and crashed till 7 am when they ate breakfast and came home by 8am. Trusted the kids and the parents at the sleepovers. </p>
<p>Probably wouldn’t do it for a kid who wasn’t a senior. Maybe I’m just getting to be an old and tired parent…</p>
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<p>Your daughter needs to step up!! She doesn’t need to have a male date to have fun at a school dance. My first year of homecoming I didn’t get asked, so I went with a bunch of girlfriends. The waiters at Olive Garden hit on us and were quite surprised to find that we didn’t have dates. At the dance I danced with my friends, and had a fabulous time. The next year I had a lot of boys ask me, I suppose they finally got over their fears or had noticed last year that I can have fun at a dance. If a guy hadn’t asked me to a dance, I would have either gone alone or found a guy friend with no date and would have dragged him along. If boys aren’t going to come to your daughter, then that’s their problem, it’s their loss. </p>
<p>This is a crucial time in your daughter’s life, she is discovering what defines her happiness. If she defines her happiness by the number of men who ask her to school dances/ask her out, she might end up miserable. What is next? Being unhappy because nobody is asking her out? Being unhappy because there are no marriage proposals? I’m sure your daughter is a fabulous woman who won’t grow up having others define her happiness.</p>
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<p>Truer thing never said, catsushi (PS: can’t even imagine cat sushi…). Looking for validation or happiness from outside sources is sure to lead to unhappiness.</p>
<p>OP – I understand where you’re coming from. While everyone says, why didn’t her friends set her up, it doesn’t always work out so easily unless you have a tight group of friends who care about including you. Lots of kids find themselves with plenty of friends at school, but those friends consider them a bit of an after-thought; they hang out if it’s convenient, but don’t go out of the way for them. If she wants to, she can always try forming deeper friendships with these kids through the summer by asking them to hang out etc. to became a true part of the group. However, it may also be more positive for her to expand her social group beyond her school friends, who may have already stereotyped her as the “quiet one” or the girl that’s “just a friend and not a date”. If she is meeting people at a part-time job, an outside of school EC etc., she could always ask one of those friends to the next prom, homecoming etc. It would be considered normal for her to do the asking in that situation since it is her school’s event. And an outside person typically doesn’t care about how you’re stereotyped at your school – they just want to go to the event with you to have fun.</p>
<p>The OP is from the South and I think we’re giving typical “yankee” answers. Having lived in the South, I remember hearing about parents who lined their children up as “debutante” dates years in advance. Maybe it’s more acceptable, socially, for parents to get involved, instead of daughters becoming assertive.</p>
<p>This isn’t really relevant to OP’s post, but my two cents:</p>
<p>I don’t understand where some parents are getting the notion that guys are intimidated by smart girls. In my experience, smart guys gravitate almost exclusively toward interesting, intelligent girls. Or more generally, I think people of similar intelligence tend to pair up more easily. </p>
<p>I think the biggest killer is lack of outward interest. Wouldn’t you be more inclined to ask someone out if you felt you had at least some chance at success?</p>
<p>Following your logic, smarter girls have a smaller pool of guys they could date.</p>
<p>When S1 went to the prom with his gf of three months, her parents hosted a really nice pre-prom meal/picture taking party. All the parents were invited. </p>
<p>Dh and I had not previously met the gf’s parents. When her Dad met us at the door, he said “So nice to meet you. Your S1 is a great kid. He is the first guy my D ( a knock-out beauty and top student) has ever dated that is smarter than she is”.</p>
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<p>All I really wanted to say was that it would be wrong to assume that guys are intimidated by smart girls if the guy himself is comparably smart. I say this because I (mis?)read the other posts as saying that guys are generally intimidated by smart women period.</p>
<p>If, on the other hand, they meant that “dumb” guys are intimidated away from smart girls, I would completely agree. But I would also argue that smart girls usually are not interested in these guys to begin with. And does the smaller pool really matter that much in terms of finding prom dates if there are proportionately fewer girls who choose from it?</p>
<p>This is a great thread and i do feel better after reading it. However, to those who think girls don’t start rumors, they do. A month after my daughter (of course I think she is pretty and smart and nice) transferred to an all-girls prep school, she attended one of those outdoor bonding experiences. Her tent mate shared the news that she had heard that my daughter was a lesbian (she isn’t). I have always thought that that may have had something to do with her social life from then on. There is a boys’ school on the same campus. </p>
<p>It is a pity when decent girls are very lonely and to them it seems as though everyone else is dating. And although my hubby is very shy (I always joked that he was ordered to ask me out when he was in the Army), I am not.</p>
<p>*I don’t understand where some parents are getting the notion that guys are intimidated by smart girls. In my experience, smart guys gravitate almost exclusively toward interesting, intelligent girls. Or more generally, I think people of similar intelligence tend to pair up more easily. *</p>
<p>This has come up on another thread- when parents were puzzled/irritated/threatened when their " superior student" befriended someone who had other priorities/interests.
Yes those with similar interests may gravitate to each other- but also someone who won a Bausch and Lomb scholarship, may be best friends with someone who is going to take a two year vocational program at the community college.
Oh. My. God.
so what?
Your interests and abilities are not going to align with all your friends/dates.
How boring if they did.</p>
<p>I relate to so many of you who have posted - my D is 16 and a rising junior. She fits the same profile - cute,smart, athletic, involved in ECs, funny and nice. She also has never been asked to a school dance, on a date, and to my knowledge has not had her first kiss. Like others who have posted, she seems to be an after-thought when it comes to social plans and only seems to go out in groups when she initiates the activity. Last summer, she was very busy with her club team practice and working PT but when Friday and Saturday nights rolled around, she was always home. She didn’t even have a friend to go see fireworks on July 4 though she called multiple people all of whom had plans with their BF/GF that evening. I see this summer shaping up the same way. It’s not so much that I want her to have a BF or date - it is the loneliness she experiences that bothers me. I recently had a mom tell me that her son thought my daughter was “perfect” - I wanted to say to her “so have him ask her out…” My daughter just seems so unhappy when it comes to social activities…I think she has just gotten tired of not being included and being the initiator. She didn’t go to Sadie last year - part of me thinks she didn’t want her first date to be one where she asked the boy (we live in the South too). She actually had bought a dress, then told me that the boys she knew didn’t want to go, yet I found out later that all of them were asked by other girls at the last minute and went. I don’t know if my daughter asked any of them and was shot down or she took their initial comments at face value. I didn’t date at all in college - so I am not hopeful that the situation improves for these girls when they are in college as one mom posted. I am almost at the point that I want to arrange a homecoming date for her this year - call some moms and tell tem that D needs a date…but I won’t.</p>
<p>"She also has never been asked to a school dance, on a date, and to my knowledge has not had her first kiss. "</p>
<p>From what I saw of both sons in high school: Many of the smarter, more academically focused kids of both genders weren’t dating in high school. As for not having had their first kiss, I believe that’s also true of many of the kids whom I mentioned, and I think that’s a good thing. Younger S talked about wishing to avoid dating in high school (and he did manage to do that, going to one prom with a platonic friend who asked him) because he saw way too much drama, angst and immaturity occur with some of his friends as a result of dating.</p>
<p>" I didn’t date at all in college - so I am not hopeful that the situation improves for these girls when they are in college as one mom posted. </p>
<p>I didn’t date in high school (no proms!), but dated in college and afterward, and have been married now for almost 30 years. Some of my early bloomer friends never married or had a serious of divorces and troubled relationships. There are far worse things than not dating in high school.</p>
<p>I have wondered about this for years. Back in my own hs days, I knew several girls (including some of my good friends) who were pretty (some who could even be called beautiful), smart, active in EC’s, well liked by everyone, who just never got asked. Could never figure it out then and still can’t now. D has some friends who also fit the description and just don’t get asked. The worst part is that it can be such a confidence wrecker. The girls I knew all seemed to date in college when the guys were more mature.</p>
<p>Personally I only dated one guy in hs, wasn’t asked out by anyone else, and I remember having painful moments because of this. People told me I was pretty, but I never quite believed it. It all changed for me in college and I was asked out a lot. I was also asked out a lot on college breaks, but not by the guys who had gone to my hs. </p>
<p>I am so glad that at D’s school the proms/homecomings are for everyone and about half of the kids have dates and about half are single (both guys and girls). I really believe that everyone should be included in the school dances and not left out because they need to be “asked” or ask someone. Hopefully going forward, the trend will be for all schools to be this way.</p>
<p>Our D2, who is 15, doesn’t really want a boyfriend, but likes to go to dances. Her approach in getting a date is like a campaign - well planned and executed. It can’t start too early because the potential date may think it’s more than just a dance date, and it would just get messy. She will start texting a few potential boys at appropriate time. Her texting is always school work related first (“I forgot the assignment…”, “When is the next test…”, “How do you do this assignment, lets talk.”) then it progresses to a more personal nature. At the end she’ll narrow down to who she wants to go with, then she sends in the killer squad (her girlfriends) to get the boy to ask her. She laughs, “Do they really think I need their help with homework?”</p>
<p>I think it is to the point some young men have posted on this thread, girls must also show interest. It is hard for many girls to make the first move, but just think how hard it is for guys to do the asking also. Maybe we should all teach our kids on how to turn someone down nicely.</p>
<p>D2 tends to go for nice guys, rather than most popular guys. She likes her date to fit in with her friends because they usually go in a group. At her age, her date is more like an accessory - looks good, easy to put on, stays on, and most importantly, easy to take off.</p>
<p>“Our D2, who is 15, doesn’t really want a boyfriend, but likes to go to dances. Her approach in getting a date is like a campaign - well planned and executed. It can’t start too early because the potential date may think it’s more than just a dance date, and it would just get messy. She will start texting a few potential boys at appropriate time. Her texting is always school work related first (“I forgot the assignment…”, “When is the next test…”, “How do you do this assignment, lets talk.”) then it progresses to a more personal nature. At the end she’ll narrow down to who she wants to go with, then she sends in the killer squad (her girlfriends) to get the boy to ask her. She laughs, “Do they really think I need their help with homework?””</p>
<p>I’d hoped we’d progressed enough as a society that girls could ask guys out. I think it’s sad that girls are still expected and trained by many to be passive and or manipulative. I think that girls should have as much right as do guys to ask for dates. Saying this as the mom of 2 males.</p>
<p>Should I ever become single again (Have been married 30 years this month), I don’t plan to play the waiting game. BTDT. I’d like to be a full partner in a relationship. If that scares away guys, then they wouldn’t be my type anyway…</p>
<p>Incidentally, I’ve never heard my husband or sons say anything negative about women/girls asking guys for dates.</p>