My youngest is 17 and a sophomore in HS. He was born premature and had some developmental delays (walking, talking, eating) but came off of an IEP in 2nd grade. He did well in elementary school as his teachers loved him and were always looking out for him. He was quiet in class but outgoing and funny with other kids, esp his older sibling’s friends and neighborhood friends. In middle school, our school doesn’t give grades (just comments) and covid hit, so we didn’t really know how we was doing. He started to become more quiet at this point. Since he started HS he has become extremely quiet in groups (basically non-verbal). He sort of gets a glazed-over look and can’t seem to follow conversations at all. We notice this even when its just our immediate family. HIs siblings often say “Ben- are you alive over there?”. His grades were not great in 9th grade and he was diagnosed with ADHD at the end of last year. Meds seem to help, esp with organization and his homework but he still really struggles in groups. I think he misses a lot in the classroom because too much is going on. Same with team sports (he plays lacrosse). Think he often misses what the coach is saying. He’s got 2 good friends that he will talk to non-stop when they hang out but he says virtually nothing when he is in a group.
Any thoughts on what might be going on? I mentioned this to his psychiatrist a couple times but she just chalked it up as being shy. Thing is, he doesn’t mind being in groups. He goes to large family parties and team dinners and such and never complains or shows any sort of anxiety about going (I used to be super shy and hated these types of events). But he just doesn’t talk much when he’s there unless someone asks him a direct question. This is definitely starting to effect him socially as kids are starting to think he’s strange. He’s not nerdy at all, loves running cross country, biking, dirt biking, lacrosse and skiing. He worked a job for 2 years and just started a new job. Adults love him, he’s super polite and respectful. He’s definitely not hyper. I just know he would like more friends and would like to do better in school so trying to figure this out. Would love any insight if anyone has a kid that is similar.
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When was his last physical- hearing, etc?
Hugs. He sounds like such a special kid. I’m sure someone on here can help with ideas.
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Thanks…he’s a great kid (so much easier than my other two). He had a physical with a basic hearing test just a couple months ago.
not quite sure what route you are looking for, but if you are seeking more intervention, I would get him assessed by a speech therapist and an audiologist. It could be a hearing problem, a language problem, or an auditory processing problem (edit - I changed the link here: What is auditory processing disorder?), or it could be nothing and just the way he is.
One of my kids has an inattentive ADHD diagnosis plus auditory processing. he’s had some interventions when he was younger that helped but it can be a struggle in noisy situations. He is inclined towards quieter activities, but more importantly, he frequently advocates for himself where he misses verbal directions.
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Has he ever been evaluated for autism (and many things now fall under Autism Spectrum Disorder, like what used to be called Aspberger’s, etc)? Several aspects of your son’s story remind me of a kid I know. In elementary school he had friends and was active in classes, and adults and older family members found him really funny, but the kid did experience anxiety issues. The kid saw a social worker but some of the issues just didn’t go away plus there were some other signs that concerned the family, so they got a neuropsych eval. Even though the social worker didn’t think it was ASD, that’s what came out of the eval, surprising the social worker and some of the teachers at school. But the people on the school’s evaluation team said it was not uncommon and that his differences would probably start to become clearer to others in middle school and subsequently.
So I definitely would have a well-trained audiologist check out your son, but just wanted to mention ASD in case it rang some bells.
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What does he think the issue is?
A few thoughts. I wonder if his meds aren’t working well anymore? Some kids get a little too chill on them and puberty could have messed with their effectiveness.
The other thought is if it seems like he “loses time” for a few seconds, could he be having absence seizures? I really doubt that’s the case but you may want to check with his doctor.
Best of luck.
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Has he had a recent neuropsych?
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He’s on the older range for this as most kids out grow them by them but again some have it into adulthood. But there would be also a tic like motion or head motion with it. My son had this when he was 9 but thankfully out grew it after 1.5 years medicated.
Once again processing issues come up with the description. We had to play 20 questions with our kid to get anything out of him. Social cues were different for him. Small groups of like minded kids they went nuts. Big groups, went mute.
This is the kid that when you order pizza he gets to do it. He also gets to go pick it up. Getting him to talk to anyone is positive. It’s like your resocializing him. Talk to his doctor /pediatrician. I would do a neurological workup. The absence seizure is something to look into.
Sorry, didn’t mean all this for you. Just adding to what you posted.
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It is concerning that peers are starting to “find him strange.” Is there a better environment for him? Is he being bullied or shunned? I find this concerning.
He sounds like a great kid who should be able to be himself.
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I would approach this differently.
Yes, you may look for some medical intervention, but should you first focus on his happiness?
If he can function fine around adults, I would not worry too much.
Find warm environment for him for college (something very small and supportive) and work. We are all different and do not need to conform to society standards as loong as we can function independently and be happy.
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I just think kids are having a hard time with him because he doesn’t talk. He sits with a big group of boys at lunch from his grade (mostly the athletes) but he doesn’t talk at all unless someone asks him a direct question (per my friend’s son). So I just think no one is rushing to sit next to a kid that doesn’t say anything. He hasn’t been bullied at all and kids seem like they are nice enough to him but besides his 2 friends, no one invites him to do anything. Overall he seems content but I know he would like more kids to hang out with. Our town is different and kids go to school together from kindergarten till senior year. No kids are added unless they are new to town. I don’t love it but I do think it can help with bullying as a lot of his peers are in our neighborhood and he used to be friends with them and many others in town he’s played sports with over the years.
We’ve thought about a smaller boys school for him but the ones around us tend to be very sport focused and the grades are equal if not bigger in size than our public high school. I think where he might flourish is a small boarding school with a ski focus as that is his passion but unfortunately financially that’s not an option.
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Thats’ definitely my thought, a smaller, warm environment where he can find his people. But just want to make sure something else isn’t going on with him.
No, he’s never had a neuropsych. Something we’ve been thinking about.
He doesn’t know. he just shrugs whenever we mention it. Or he’ll say “I don’t know, I just don’t have anything to say”. Another example is when someone scores a goal in lacrosse all the offensive players give them a high five or a fist pump. He just stands there and does nothing. When we mention it to him, he’ll do it once or twice in the next game but then go back to doing nothing. Not sure if its shyness or he’s just out to lunch.
He just got diagnosed about a year ago with ADHD. Meds seem to be good for his organizational skills (i.e. his backpack has gone from a complete disaster last year to an organizational materpiece) and they seem to work for paying attention in school (again if not too much else is going on in the classroom).
Never heard of absence seizures, I’ll look into that.
He does definitely have some speech issues and even we have trouble understanding him on occassion. He does not articulate very well. He had speech therpy for years when he was younger and had a feeding tube for 3 years as he just would not eat. He also had ear tubes put in a couple times so I feel like this may be an area worth pursuing again.
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When you say he then goes back to doing nothing, would it work if you keep reminding him? In my case, believe it or not, nagging did work… (My son, at his age right now, keeps “forgetting” a lot of things – not that he doesn’t know but I believe there’s just so many things distracting them these days).
On things that my son is “uncomfortable” doing, we literally force him out of his comfort zone eg. artichokes, trying soda, etc. He is 13 and is unusual in that he is in his super comfort zone and would not want much to “move it” eg try new things, eat at new restaurants etc 
hope a little bit of nudging/nagging works… (at least on lacrosse games etc - the lighter ones)
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I would definitely get a neuropsych rather than keep guessing. I was pretty sure I knew my daughter’s issues, but her neuropsych nailed it and made it clear for all of her teachers and for her as well.
I have a speech issue due to dyslexia. I’m a pretty social person and known for talking a lot, but there are times I just love NOT having to put the effort in.
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Interesting! That would definitely warrant some assessments IMHO, because it does sound like it’s impacting class performance. Speech therapy and audiology assessments are often covered by insurance and often easier to get completed than a full neuropsych evaluation, so they can be a good place to start. Especially since the neuropsych will need to have those components done by those specific professionals for any evaluation. Well, I hope you get some answers!
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