<p>If your daughter’s friend just started on anti-depressants, I think you have to assume she’s been clinically depressed, which would explain everything else. I have to agree with those who say that being supportive to the mom would help.</p>
<p>I also wonder if you have any small jobs that the girl could do that would let her earn a bit of money. If she hasn’t worked in two years, she’s used to having no money, and the freedom of having her own money might be encouraging.</p>
<p>bluealien-
If she graduated in '08 and just turned 20, she was probably 18 at graduation.</p>
<p>I agree that as a friend one is not likely to know all the details of the child’s issues/needs, etc. Agree that you can be a great support for your friend and offer advice if asked. I am assuming your friend hasn’t inadvertently facilitatated her dau’s helplessness, withdrawl or dependence? Sometime encouraging your friend to seek therapy herself to get some support and guidance on how to best handle the situation is a good idea. Good luck.</p>
<p>She graduated at 18, but now is 20. </p>
<p>Worknprogress, that is helpful advice. I don’t think writing a letter with these thoughts is the right thing here, but I can try to convey those ideas through our conversations. Trying to focus on what is positive and bring that out is a good idea, rather than focus on what is not working.</p>
<p>What I really think they should do is go to a counselor as a family (mom, dad, D). The counselor could then help them formulate a plan to move forward.</p>
<p>Good idea to suggest counseling for the mom to help her to deal with D. I’ll try to work that into the conversation sometime. </p>
<p>I did think about offering the D some part-time work at my house, but I thought I might get stuck in the middle of the situation, so decided against it. I passed along an ideal small part-time job in an area of interest to the D and within walking distance of her house. It’s at an organization I belong to, and I could have recommended her. The D didn’t follow up on this opportunity.</p>
<p>The friend’s D probably suffers from both depression and social anxiety. She will benefit from medication and counseling. But since it is a delicate subject, I would just educate yourself and let mom deal with it within the family. But if the friend want’s to talk, mostly listen and be supportive to mom, and support medical help and counseling help for D and the family.</p>
<p>If I was a friend to the parent, and if I truly felt comfortable recommending suggestions for them on how to parent, then based on what we’ve been told here:</p>
<p>First, I’d recommend the “mental checkup” whether I started with a family m.d., or counselor of some type, that’s where I’d start. I’d want the help of a pro to help determine- was I such a poor parent that this young person is not ready for adulthood and the next phase of her life? Or is it only that she is comfortable being home and supported like she was when she was 10? Or is it a genuine mental illness?</p>
<p>Secondly, if I felt there were no serious mental issues holding her back, then I would urge parents to give her the information that at 20, she is old enough to become an adult. Either get full-time in a college- pronto and further prepare for self supporting adulthood or else get a job, and be saving money so she can soon be a self supporting adult. And advise 20 yr old, that parent means business. Put in her best effort at school or job; “going to try” or “going to look” doesn’t count…</p>
<p>thirdly, if she didn’t do either of those right away, or very little effort, then give her a deadline maybe 30 more days or so to find her own place.</p>
<p>Of course my suggestions are based on the ideas(first that I was going to advise the parent) that at 20 she is old enough to be an adult even though the OP tells us she is not self supporting, or trying to be. Unless the parents or D has some physical or mental health issues that necessitate her sponging off parents, then this girl needs to get in school or get a job, and become a self supporting young woman or get out.</p>
<p>It may be this girl is insecure and/or lazy, because parents haven’t done enough to instill pride and expectations of being independent and self supporting, and haven’t done things to encourage her toward that end. If that’s the case, it’s time to push baby bird into adulthood. If it’s truly mental issues then this child needs professional help to become an adult. To permit either angle to continue would be doing a disservice to the child, the parents, and possibly all of society.</p>
<p>Anything new on this?</p>
<p>That was nice of you to follow up on this, bluealien. No, nothing new really. The D now says she doesn’t want to go to college in Jan. as she was saying earlier this fall. She was just called for jury duty, and mom said at least that would get her out of the house.</p>
<p>The mom said today that she thought the antidepressants were helping some. The D loves Christmas and everything to do with it, so she will be able to focus on that for the next few months. She really does need to go to counseling…</p>
<p>I was wondering if there was a class or seminar that you could take with this girl, and maybe with the mom, too. It could be anything from cooking to literature, or a foreign language or culture. It seems like she needs to broaden her horizons, something CC is not necessarily going to do (and anyway, she’s decided not to go, again.) You would have the benefit of getting to know her better as a person and possibly come up with another baby step to get her motivated. I have to agree that the mom, while good-hearted, is an enabler. Surely there is some work or volunteering in the special ed field that this girl could do, and it would give her a very different perspective on her life.</p>