<p>My best friend’s D just turned 20 and really seems lost. She graduated in June '08 and has been at home since then. She has never looked for a job in all that time. She keeps saying she will attend community college “next term,” but so far it hasn’t happened. She doesn’t have her driver’s license (or a car) and lives pretty far out from any bus service. There is a bus, but it is about a mile walk to the bus stop from their house and would require transferring to another bus to get to comm. college, so probably 1-1/2 hr. trip each way. She is very nervous about driving. She has always been very shy and anxious.</p>
<p>She had a job her senior year at a well-loved, large hardware store in our town, but she didn’t like the job because she said the customers were mean to her. She wasn’t allowed to answer questions because she had to start with cleaning and putting out stock and straightening only. Questions had to be referred to a more senior staff member and some customers were a little irritated by that. She quit the job after about two months and has not worked since then. (That was two years ago.) She now does not want to work anywhere where she has to deal with the public.</p>
<p>She has a boyfriend, very nice guy with a decent full-time job. He is 21 and lives at home. She has only two girlfriends, but does do things with them. I assume her parents give her money for her social life.</p>
<p>She has just gone back on antidepressants. She has always been very shy and anxious. She is not in counseling nor has she had counseling other than a few sessions in jr. high through her school. She does not do many household chores or yard work, just watches TV all day and uses the computer. Her mom works full-time with special-needs kids and could really use more help around the house.</p>
<p>She has always been shy and anxious and now is on med for depression. She is a fairly bright girl though, very artistic in many ways. She is also on med for ADHD, but I think that is fairly mild.</p>
<p>No, my friend is not asking for my help. I am just trying to say the right things when the situation does come up. She avoids the topic, I think because she is embarrassed about it. I would like to help both my friend and the D, but of course I can’t say too much. I think family counseling and counseling for the D is needed. I have gently suggested counseling for the D, but not much response.</p>
<p>Both the mom and dad are kind, well-meaning people, but rather passive personalities.</p>
<p>I guess I should also add that this is my best friend who is always there to help me and listen to any issues I have. We have known each other since our kids were babies. She is always very helpful to me, and I would be like to helpful to her. </p>
<p>There are so many knowledgable people on this board; I am sure someone has dealt with something similar and will have helpful insights.</p>
<p>She isn’t asking for help at the moment but you, being her longtime friend, can sense that she is concerned and so you plan to bring up the subject with her?</p>
<p>I have brought up the subject several times with her, perhaps every other month. I just ask how she is doing and try to get her to talk about it a little. This last time I tried to talk about it, I could sense her frustration and bottled up feelings. It’s also difficult because my D is in grad school, so I never want to overstep any boundaries or make her feel uncomfortable, though she of course is uncomfortable with the whole situation. It’s kind of their family’s “elephant in the living room.”</p>
<p>You know, this is just my opinion, but you can still be there for your friend without trying to find good advice for her daughter. For one thing, I’m sure there have been times when your own kids haven’t been doing incredibly well. And, I’m sure that you did things to make sure you took care of yourself during those times. You really never even have to bring up her daughter in order to support her as a friend, woman to woman, as in “When was the last time you had a massage? I remember when ___________ was going through that thing with so-and-so. I was so stressed. You really ought to do something nice for yourself this week.” </p>
<p>If she really wanted to talk about it, she would.</p>
<p>I was wondering about that, about your daughter. Could it be that she is reluctant to talk to you about it because of an implied comparison between her D and your D, and therefore between her and you?</p>
<p>My good friend’s daughter the same age has no job, not going to school, living with grandma and her 9 month old baby. She has no relationship with the baby’s father and he doesn’t even know there is a baby.
I only advise when she directly asks me what I think about a particular situation. Generally speaking I have found that nothing has changed with this young adult in a year and probably nothing will.
I was grateful that I was out of town for her baby shower because I felt the baby would be better off with adoptive parents. My friend asked me directly before the child was born and knows how I feel. She agrees with me but had no support from her husband or other family members.
My advice: only advise if asked directly. Otherwise, talk about things other than your respective children.</p>
<p>The daughter is going to have to want to change before she will change. Her mother is enabling her by letting her live at home and lazing around. It sounds like she is not only shy, but also has some maturity issues–she quit a job because “people were mean to her”? Well, in the real world if the only job you can find is a miserable one, you take it because, you know, it’s nice to be able to eat while you look for a different, better job. In this case, though, it’s mommy to the rescue and it sounds like the daughter is not motivated to GET another job. Probably interviewers are “mean to her” too. </p>
<p>My guess is that either the mom will let her stay indefinitely and the daughter will become the proverbial 40 year old slacker living in the basement or the mother will eventually start laying down some requirements for living there (like getting a job or attending college) or the mother will eventually kick the daughter out of the nest to sink or swim on her own.</p>
<p>In any case, I don’t think there’s anything you can do to help other than being a good friend. I wouldn’t bring it up first, the mom is probably embarrassed about it.</p>
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<p>I guess she could be a night stocker in a grocery store, a forklift operator in a warehouse, do janitorial work, or do manual labor (ditchdigging or such–I know someone who did this, gave him great muscles.) Most jobs that don’t require a degree deal with customers in one way or another, though. (And a lot of jobs that do require a degree, too!)</p>
<p>Perhaps you can support her by letting her escape from the problem that seems to be looming over head. Why not just talk and do things together and not ask about her D unless she raises the subject? Perhaps since your D has an undergrad degree and is now in grad school and her D has not grown that much since HS, she’d prefer talking to someone who is in her shoes rather than in yours. She may feel that you would not understand her daughter’s “illness”, situation, feelings, or hers.</p>
<p>Bookiemom - My closest friend and I have DD’s the same age. Her D has severe CP, and while she is very bright, her life has been a series of seemingly insurmountable hurdles. I understand your feeling that you don’t want to say or do anything that would imply that your kids are better than her daughter, or that you were such a fabulous mother, or that in some way her child is a failure. </p>
<p>I think your friend really, really needs you. She may not need or want your suggestions on what her daughter or she should do, but she needs to know just how much she and her daughter mean to you.</p>
<p>I am a letter writer. I think this situation calls for a letter. I would write to her and tell her how much your friendship has meant to you and how she was your rock when you doubted yourself as a mom. I would let her know that looking back on it, being a mom when the kids were toddlers was a piece of cake and that it is so much harder now that they are adults, but you still want to be their parent.</p>
<p>I would also tell her how much you care for her daughter. You described her to us as bright and creative and I would tell her all the positive things you see in her. I would say that even though you are not her mom, you care for her like one of your own and you want so badly for her to blossom and use all the talents you know she has.</p>
<p>I would thank her for her friendship and tell her that you only hope you can be as good a friend to her as she has been to you.</p>
<p>She needs your reassurance that her daughter will be okay, that she is a good mom, and that you respect and like her and her daughter. </p>
<p>Others may disagree with my approach, but I don’t think you can go wrong telling people how much you care. My friend and I have held each other thru some pretty rough times and the key to that has been the fact that we know the friendship is based on love and respect and we are safe with each other.</p>