That kind of money for a wedding - it would buy a home in some places! Our wedding contribution for our DD would only be a reasonable home down payment.
Bevhills, my MIL did the same thing with the checks DH got for his Bar Mitzvah. I just can’t fathom!
and @bevhills, oy is right. The only reason my S is ok with the excess of the wedding his FMIL is planning is because he knows they can afford it.
Looking for opinions here.
Nephew 1 (N1) and the most favored by the G’parents (now G’dad deceased) in an obvious way is marrying in India in November. His bride has extended family there although she was born in the USA. I have not met her nor have I seen him in 15 years. Also, have a negative memory of visiting him at his college, treating him to dinner and giving him $ and never heard from him again. H and D have spent time with him at the family cottages over the years.
Nephew 2 (N2) is marrying in July in MA. He and his fiancé have been engaged longer than N1 but did not set a date first. I have only spend one week with them and totally loved them. D likes them most as does H.
I am not sure that is important as I am actually deciding on an ethical question.
H’s mother has now offered to pay for everyone’s airline ticket to India. She is including all spouses as
well as grandchildren and their spouses. She can not travel and will not attend.
H’s family—well, his cousin once told me that while they are amazing people ( think missionary, etc) that it is “each man for himself”. They do not look out for each other. They are pretty unaware if they leave someone out.
There is also history to the importance of India as H’s parents lived there with his 2 younger sibs for 7 years and he and his brother were there for 4. They lived in Pakistan. I think this is why H’s mom is so keen for her family to go to N1’s wedding. Also, N1 is a special snowflake 
.
H would love to attend the wedding in India.
We have a trip to Boston for D’s match day in March, another trip to NOLA for H’s Pakistani HS reunion in May where he will extend the trip to spend many days with his mother in MA. and then attend D’s graduation in RI.
Adding another trip to MA for a July 1 wedding and then adding a trip to India feels like an awful lot
both financially and emotionally. (Plus I do the majority of planning).
No one has thought about N2’s wedding as important. As H’s mom would never think to say she
would pay our airline to attend his wedding even though the tickets will be about $1100. Plus car,
hotel and so on. I really believe I am the only one to even think about N2’s importance as N1
(and his dad) are always center stage.
So sorry this is long. I would appreciate thoughts about this especially as I know many of you are
dealing with wedding and guests and awkward situation.
What is my question? I think mainly I feel that if we agree to go to N1’s wedding we must also
commit to N2’s wedding to be kind and supportive and ethical people. Thoughts?
(all of this posted–yet there is a really good chance that no one in the family would even
think of N2 as being put in a lesser place).
Thanks!!!
“Also, have a negative memory of visiting him at his college, treating him to
dinner and giving him $ and never heard from him again.”
You don’t hold this against him. It was at least 15 years ago, and college students aren’t known for their courtesy at that age. Rise above it. 
“H’s mother has now offered to pay for everyone’s airline ticket to India” “There is also history to the importance of India as H’s parents lived there with his 2 younger sibs for 7 years and he and his brother were there for 4.”
“H would love to attend the wedding in India.”
sounds like it would be a good memory for your husband and a real opportunity for all of you to go to an interesting place on someone else’s dime (at least for airfare) plus an Indian wedding sounds like a great experience.
" even though the tickets will be about $1100. Plus car,hotel and so on."
My opinion is you try to make both work, even if it requires some extra work on planning and pinching some pennies budget-wise. One sounds like a great opportunity to visit India, the other sounds like a way to support the nephew you prefer. I’d make this a year of travel and then have a quieter year in 2018.
^my thought is we either do both or neither.
I guess I am asking for those of you who might have two D’s or S’s or such getting married
near the same time–do you pay attention to relatives who come to one and not the other/
Also, yes. I still do not appreciate N1’s lack of gratitude. However, sadly, it really has turned out
to just be who he is in general. Still, I would not diss him now and if the tables were turned and N2 was
the wedding in India I would still be thinking about N1 and trying to figure out the right thing to do.
H has never had a thought about this. Just me and my conscious.
I agree to just do it all. But it will be a hardship and it will mean sacrificing the one thing that I want to
do in Dec. and Jan. But I can if I must.
I think you should sit down with your H and share your financial, time, travel, and other concerns with him. Like you, I am the one who makes most travel arrangements and handles the finances in my family.
If I had nephews and nieces who were getting married, I would do what I could so we could attend both or neither event as well. It is very generous that you have been offered free travel to India, and that would be an amazing opportunity for your family.
Fortunately, the weddings I have been invited to have mainly been in HI, so we haven’t traveled much for weddings. We did travel for one wedding of a family friend, to a neighbor island (and were planning to travel to Yosemite for another when we were told we were NOT invited).
Only you and your spouse can figure out what you can and cannot afford for all your upcoming joyous events.
Yes, I agree with this.
Indian weddings are amazing!! Don’t miss it.
Perhaps your MIL thinks you can all afford to make it to N2’s wedding, so she didn’t offer… I mean you and your H are going to NOLA for a school reunion…
H simply cannot deprive himself. He does not ever change channels mid stream and the reunion was
planned months before the wedding. Still, I think that he does need to make a decision on reunion or India plus N2.
He would never have thought that we need to attend both or neither wedding but I do think this.
We are retired and while we are better than fine this is all just too much in a short amount of time
financially. He also still works part time so there is also that lose.
My guess is he will let go of both N’s weddings.
I am somewhat of an outsider so I can go with his decision easily.
I do understand that Indian wedding are amazing. We decline one last year and D did attend.
Actually, there is not much about them that appeals to me. I am seriously hard of hearing,
hate heat and hate crowds. I know this is not a good attitude but there it is. We have traveled
extensively and I know that this is not my dream vacation. Still, always a willing traveler if
other things fall into place.
Yes, I love this forum as it is a place to lay things out and get some perspective.
I will sit down with H and map out the calendar and the expenses.
The offer of the airfare to India is about 1/5th of the overall expenses. It is lovely that MIL is offering this
but if we had seriously wanted to go we would have paid this ourselves. I think the offer simply made H
begin to think more about it in general. AND he never thought about the fact that there are two N’s to consider.
Personally, I believe the weddings are far more important than this reunion that his group had just two years ago an he has mentioned that it seems too soon.
But again, he has a terrible time saying no after he has said yes.
Keep you posted.
As long as you and H agree, I’m sure things will work out. You don’t have to justify your choices to anyone – when events require travel of vast distances, people hosting the events understand that many will likely be unable to attend. Best of luck as you work all of this out with your H.
What is your husband’s relationship with his brother? Would he be hurt if you missed the weddings?
My parents traveled extensively, but cuz of allergies, India was one place my mom wouldn’t visit. I can understand you not liking the heat, dust, etc.
Would you be traveling from Oregon to India, then MA? I don’t think it’s wrong to go to MA and not India, given the travel time. It would still keep you in good standing with H’s family.
I also wouldn’t hold a grudge against a college student for lack of thanks. I rarely get thanks from 30 year olds.
My suggestion is to get your H to commit to standing firm with whatever decision you and he make about weddings/travel.
So often one partner will agree with spouse in private, but cave when their side of the family starts pressuring for a different decision. Or push the blame onto the other partner.
As long as the two of you are confident about your choices, that is all that matters.
@oregon101 A friend’s Indian husband was the senior male in the family, an honored position. It was almost mandatory that he attend his youngest nephew’s wedding. And this was a big whoopdedoo, the elephants, the jewels, all expenses paid for all guests, for something like 8 days. Bevhills’s example of 100k pales, in comparison.
But when they looked into the ancillary costs, my friend couldn’t afford to go. At the time the immunizations alone were exorbitant (she said $800+, i don’t know. Maybe your insurance would pay for some of that.) Plus the costs for the right elegant attire for multiple events, anything local they did on their own, and the gift had to be expensive (I think she was quoting more than 1k.) She didn’t go. Be sure to add up all the costs.
As for the rest of the ethics, if it were me, and all the attention was being focused on N1, I would try to make it to N2’s. But if you can’t do this, for your own reasons, from Oregon back and forth, including your D’s match and graduation, then it’s understandable, to me. Send a very nice gift.
Thanks everyone. All advice appreciated. It helps sometimes to post and receive support to gain clarity.
Yes, I do think H has to make some difficult decisions and stick by them. And not blame me.
I have, for better or for worse, been very good at making his magic happen over the years.
So part of this is that I am not that good at saying no when he really wants something. One major reason
why he needs to vote and stick with it.
I am planning to itemize each trip before we have a sit down.
lookingforward, yes to the expenses. Also, if we were to travel to India we would want to
do/see more than the wedding. So this becomes our major trip for the year–but wait! Nola was
our major trip this year.
I also began thinking about N2’s wedding and how the only family who might not be there
could be H and myself and S and his family. S could be the only cousin on the paternal side
to not attend. So that makes me think that this is an expense that I would want to embrace–
paying for their attendance. S is our less expensive kid so this would not be out of order.
If we did that we would try to spend a few days in Boston with them. They may or may not be able
to get away from work and school so this is an idea at this point only. MIL is offering their airfare
to India so I wonder if she would be as happy to pay for their airfare to MA instead.
I would suggest that you personally consider staying home from both the reunion and the Indian wedding, having your H go to both alone. You can join him for your D’s graduation.
Both of you can attend the N2 wedding. Your S could attend that wedding w/o his family but with you and your D.
Is Match Day normally a celebration that parents attend? It seems to me that many parent here just heard the news over the phone.
Not as expensive as a trip to India…but we went to two family weddings that were about six months apart…both far from home. It was never a thought NOT to go. Yes, it cost us a bit of money tomattend, get gifts, clothing to wear,etc.
We hope our families will be able to attend our kids’ weddings when the time comes.
Having had a family member recently travel to India, it has always been my understanding that it is very cheap there and that airfare is a good chunk of the cost of travel there.
@Consolation, at my D’s school the match can be viewed in real time online. D also informed me that after the match is party time for the students. Parents not welcome.
@oregon101 If you don’t attend the wedding in India is there a reception after the wedding taking place here that you could attend instead? Is there any other wedding function taking place here? November is an exciting time to visit there. Weather should be nice.