Have FSIL tell them that you would like to cover all the costs. They will probably breathe a sigh of relief.
Just now at the very beginning of all of this. Have given D a nice generous amount of money. She is 33 and he is 34 and we are retired. I have set aside $10,000 for any of our expenses
such as providing for S and his wife and kid and so on. Clothes housing and whatever.]
D is wondering how important her dream wedding is now and how much more important their need for a down payment is. I know what I would do but will never advise. They need to make sure that they are not going to be disappointed .
Spent the evening last night with S and FDIL. It is interesting to hear some of the disparity of approach to the wedding. My FDIL has, as I’ve said upthread, decided to have her two brothers stand up for her and then have an “unofficial wedding party” made up of her best girlfriends. They will be dressed in a similar color and, we think, walk down the aisle but sit in designated seats. Our S isn’t sure what this means, but will ask a similar number of his best guy friends to participate in the same way, while having his brother and sister stand up for him under the chuppah. His friends run the gamut of professions and socioeconomic comfort, so he is loathe to ask them to wear a particular color suit assuming not all have the same colors in their closet. I suggested he ask them to wear blue or grey, knowing that most guys who own suits have one or the other. Given that the bride is asking her “attendants” to wear navy, that should work just fine. She’s not completely on board yet, but I hope she hears the reasoning behind his position. I would actually prefer to see all the guys in grey so as to provide some contrast to the palate, and knowing that not all navy is created equal. She also flirted with the idea of asking the women, my D included, to wear summer florals, but I posited that such a look often comes in wispy, flow dresses that do not look great on all body types. My D is tall and thin but she has a larger chest and florals are generally not terribly flattering on her. To my comment, my FDIL mentioned that one of her close friends responded the same way, so hopefully that bullet has been dodged. I do my best to be a sounding board, raising what I think are alternative perspectives, but trying to never present my opinion on these topics.
All the big decisions have been made, but these are the picky details that need to worked out soon. Her mom is throwing an engagement party in LA in May that I need to book flights for, and we are having a party here in July. I’ve been on them to get some thank-you notes and start writing for the gifts that have started to pile up in my S’s old room. Theoretically, they know it is best to stay on top of them given the upcoming multiple celebrations, but this is proving no easier than when my S had his Bar Mitzvah! I will continue to offer less than subtle hints on this one, because I know these two. If they wait, they will become anxious over all that needs to be done. It will be done, and be done beautifully, but there’s no need to create additional anxiety. Six months is quickly passing and now the abstract is becoming real!
Sorry to be a naysayer, but I think the idea of an “unofficial bridal party” is not good. I think that if she wants to dodge the “who should I ask” bullet by having her siblings, that’s fine. Burdening a bunch of friends with acquiring/wearing special clothes when they are not in fact in the bridal party is not. What, this means that they are the first class friends, as opposed to all of the other friends? And this means that your S is required to rope up sufficient of HIS friends to balance this? What if the numbers don’t match? Just does not compute. Either have bridesmaids, with her brothers among the groomsmen, or forget the bridesmaids.
JMNSHO.
I just wouldn’t call it an “unofficial party,” rather, see it as her bridesmaids sitting, rather than standing next to her. So much is personalized in weddings, today. And it’s not uncommon for the number of males not to match females. Some couples don’t want everything matchy.
But re: mismatched suits, it’s not that expensive to rent them, some are good quality, then you have that consistency
So, bff (MOG) called at the crack of dawn to tell me the hotel has no room booked for her- and is full. (But I do! Had made my own res.) We decided she could stay with me, she also made another res 20 min away (the wedding is in a town with only 3 modest hotels,) then realized her other son probably isn’t covered. Lol. But by then, she was down off the ledge. I’d just suggest this sort of detail be confirmed, in time to fix any issues. (Turns out she does have a room, btw, the MOB tracked this down. Of course, it’s reserved under her ex’s last name, which she never, ever used.)
Thanks for the input - again, this is one of those things where I listen, offer an opinion, and back out. The bride is 35 years old, knows her friends well, and will decide how to handle the “bridal party” situation. I think the key 8 figures (including my D, who is technically part of her brother’s “wedding party”), are those who have been invited to the bachelorette weekend. Same goes for my S’s best friends, all of whom have been in his life since middle school and college. There is no issue, and I know that the bride will most likely give up the proposed color scheme before she gives up offering her friends a place in the wedding, however symbolic and sort of ridiculous it may seem to me. The numbers aren’t an issue; my S is having a similar number of guys (plus his brother and the bride’s two) at his bachelor hiking weekend. @lookingforward, yes, this is the new wave of “do what feels right” and I’m learning to bend (but not break) with the wind. If this is what they want, and their friends are good with it, who am I to create chaos.
I think a lot of the younger generation want to keep things more casual, less rigid , and just have fun. I think you are smart, @runnersmom, to just go with it.
I’m posting in this thread for the first time.
S1 is getting married next October 7, about 20 minutes from where we live. FDIL is not from this area at all. They decided to have the wedding here because the fewest number of people will need to travel. They are generally handling the wedding themselves but because I am local I’ve been doing lots of research for them – photographer, caterer, DJ. As MOG I didn’t expect to be so involved, but here we are. We will also be paying for the rehearsal dinner and hosting a brunch the day after.
The couple wants this to be “rustic chic” [whatever that is!] and they want it to feel casual. I’m more than happy to go along with that vibe, but I have no idea what to wear!! I just ordered several dresses to try on and they should be arriving over the next few days.
Delighted to read what the rest of you are up to with this momentous event.
Congrats @VeryHappy!
Wear a knee length dress. If they do outdoors or a barn, the floor will be unkind to a long dress.
But ask the bride. Even at rustic weddings, it can be long and elegant. There may be a dance floor, etc. I have a young friend who did "rustic chic"and it was very chic.
Yes, ask the bride what the dress code will be. But from our experience, with DS’s outdoor wedding and a walk on a train to the dinner (outdoors) and dance area (indoors) wedge shoes and dress length was smart. Heels got stuck inthe mud, and most didnt want t have to carry 2 pr of shoes. They may have had flip flips available, nut still, walking in heels was ill-advised (at least for. MOB and MOG and bride). The bride’s wedding dress was a mess (even after it was bustled) was a mess of dirt and sticks caught up in the bottom after the wedding.
Lol, the heels issue was very apparent in the Bernie Carl wedding thread and links.
Those heel protectors don’t seem to really prevent sinking into soft soil/mud.
I can’t recall who told me this, but someone’s elderly aunt was getting out of a limo to attend a relative’s wedding at a farm venue. She was in a long gown, IIRC, took one step out of the car, got her heel caught in the mud and fell flat on her face.
AARRGGHH- typo/autocorrect in 2391. There was a walk on a TRAIL (not train) with dirt, sticks, rock,s etc from the wedding to the reception. And, it should say NOT SURE if they had flip flops (not “nut still”!) I give up on this broken ipad bluetooth keypad. The part that holds the ipad is broken and it keeps falling out of the holder as I type. The results are obvious as I don’t always see all the snafus.
I’ve seen the venue already (in fact, one of my responsibilities was to photograph it exactly a year before this event) so I know where it is and how it is. We are hoping that the ceremony will be outdoors, weather permitting, but everything else will be indoors and civilized, so I am planning to wear long (as will the MOB). The shoes – that is a concern and I haven’t figured that out yet. First I have to find the dress! Shoes are the easy part, as long as Zappos stays in business. 
ETA: Maybe I’ll have two pairs of shoes – wedges for the ceremony on grass and real heels for the cocktails and reception.
Congrats to you and the family, @VeryHappy! Very Happy news, indeed!
I like the two pairs of shoes idea.
Actually, @doschicos, they’ve been engaged for a year now, and we’ve known the date for – oh, maybe nine months?? I just haven’t posted here before.
But yes, I am very happy. This is my son who’s in Fargo, ND this year and Jamestown, ND for the next three years. :((
Ah, yes, well that explains why they are getting married in your neck of the woods. Sorry if I am offending North Dakotans.
Hey, this is CC! Being from North Dakota is practically a hook! 
As for dresses, I’m a big fan of tea-length.
@VeryHappy , you should start a thread for your apparel.