One of my best friends not only hosted an extravagant wedding, but the rehearsal dinner as well because groom’s family didn’t offer. It happens. The funny part though was they wanted open bar at the wedding, but because they belong to a fundamentalist religion and the FOB’s grandfather had to make a confession in front of the church years ago seeking forgiveness for serving champagne at the FOB’s aunt’s wedding, they put out a little sign at the bar saying the drinks were courtesy of the groom’s parents. Groom’s side paid for zilch, but got credit just so bride’s family could pretend they were innocent of sin. Love my friend, but found that silly.
I know so many different stories about who pays for what that I could fill a page. The moral of this whole thread should be interesting stories, but in the end “you do you.”
I’d happily pay for the rehearsal dinner as that would make it simple to invite dh’s out of state relatives. Not sure what we’ll do with/for them now. Money conversations can be so awkward and sometimes people’s pride gets in the way.
When my DD got engaged, his family immediately offered the wedding venue they own and run for the entire weekend. The place includes 7 rooms so we didn’t have to get hotels, etc for our immediate family and the groom’s immediate family. They gave the couple a set amount towards a rehearsal dinner and it was also at the venue. Huge savings.
@alh , “where I’m from” the groom’s family is normally responsible for the rehearsal dinner, the bride’s family for the wedding (and there is no brunch the next day or official welcome party the night before). I’ve known exceptions to the rehearsal dinner: when one of my nieces was married, her H’s family and friends came from abroad to attend, and my sister held a party with a buffet supper at her place instead. (Now that I recall, I think I cooked almost all of the food. Oh well.)
@thumper1 , is it possible that the groom’s family hasn’t mentioned the rehearsal dinner yet because they just assume they’ll be doing it? And if they are among those who define “rehearsal dinner” as including just closest family and the wedding party (with plus ones, if applicable), they may not see it as something requiring planning a year in advance, since a simple restaurant venue will do.
ETA I hasten to add that the welcome party/suite and next day brunch sound lovely to me.
The only rule I remember from my youth was that the bride’s parents had their best friends over after leaving the reception to the kids and opening a special bourbon.
In our case, it was originally thought the groom’s family was not going to do anything, but the FSIL had a discussion with the parents and they have offered to host the welcome party and the rehearsal brunch. Some people may not agree with me, but I did tell D1 that if the parents couldn’t afford to or want to contribute then I would expect her fiancee to pay for it.
This is different than rebeccar’s situation, where his parents want an extra 200 accommodated with no financial contribution.
I would not expect the fiance to match what I saw as my effort and expense or take my direction and then write a check. If the parents can’t afford it, that’s an issue the couple must face and maybe they pare back the budget. (Horrors!)
Do they really need the schmancy pre-meal for gobs of guests? After all, there’s a reception the next day. Traditionally, the rehearsal meal is for the people who rehearsed and their partners, maybe a few very close family. Welcome events, all the extras, seem an escalation, to me.
And at that point, I would be quite cautious about what *I * expect. This isn’t prom night, where you get to dictate curfew.
So, I’d explain to my daughter the customary politeness with regard to the wedding party, feeding and sharing excitement after the rehearsal, and suggest that together they figure this out.
On this I disagree, @oldfort. If I, as the MOB (using the term to include FOB, as well, in our case) offered to host the wedding, and the groom’s family could not or would not contribute to the costs associated with the events the couple and I planned, I would not expect the groom to pay for it in his parents’ stead. If I could not afford to host all the events, I would sit down with the couple and rethink the plans for the wedding. If the couple wanted, and was in a financial position to offer, I would be happy to have them host one of the peripheral events such as the rehearsal or welcome party. All one needs for a wedding is the bride, groom, and officiant. The rest is all custom, and “want” not need.
On the other hand, if the other family chooses not to contribute due to something other than finances, I, too, would see it as a sign that perhaps they are not welcoming my D to their family as I’m sure I will hope they do. And, by the way, it goes both ways. I’m the MOG, in our case, and I must say it has felt very good to have the MOB reach out to include my husband and me in decisions relating to the wedding, even though she is hosting.
@rebeccar I am appalled at your fiance’s parents expecting the big blow-out wedding for their culture, yet not living up to an important cultural part of the blow-out – that THEY pay for it.
So do you think they will let on that they aren’t paying for the wedding? Honestly, since your parents are doing it all, only your parents and your and fiance’s names should be on the invitations. Fiance’s parents have no right “requesting the honour” of anyone’s presence, since they are not hosting.
I hope you get the smaller wedding that you and your parents want.
Do you foresee any future difficulties in other things with these people? How do you get along with them? How does fiance stand up to them when there are disagreements? How far away are you going to live from these people?
I am delighted to do for my children what I can when I can. But that is between me and them and is absolutely no one else’s business, and I wouldn’t tolerate anyone passing judgment or making demands. I wouldn’t expect my children or the people whom they love to accept that, either, and I certainly wouldn’t do that to future in-laws.
It’s very nice to be pleasant and say “let’s make this a beautiful time for everyone, here is what I was thinking,” but that’s as far as it goes for me. As a matter of philosophy, I generally think adults should pay for their own weddings within their own means, and everything offered by anyone else is a gift to be accepted (or not) and appreciated.
D’s fiance’s culture generally has huge wedding with hundreds of people invited … but FSIL’s family is not plugged into the local community in that way & they don’t have any interest in inviting anyone other than family & close friends. Because most of their family is in Lebanon with Iraqi citizenship, only a couple will most likely be allowed to get visas to come to the wedding. So it will be the smallest Chaldean wedding seen in these parts. But … as soon as the kids got engaged, his parents wanted to know right away how they could contribute. Chaldean parents-of-the-groom pay for the wedding, but they were sensitive to the fact that the parents-of-the-bride host here. They asked their son what they should contribute, and he & our D worked out a nice plan of rehearsal dinner and half the reception cost. They are good with it, and we are pleased. My in laws offered to pay for a day-after brunch (it will be 4 days after my FIL’s 90th birthday, so the brunch serves double duty with a birthday celebration).
S1 has a serious girlfriend but is not engaged. They met in college and her parents live in a small town about three hours away, and I think she’ll probably want to get married at home. As a potential MOG, I fully expect to fund the rehearsal dinner and maybe contribute to the reception by paying for the alcohol or photographer or something. When H and I married, my parents paid for everything except the ring for my H and the bridesmaids’ luncheon and gifts, which I paid for myself. Not entirely sure who paid what for the rehearsal dinner, as that was between H and his parents, but he and I made all the arrangements. H’s parents didn’t offer to pay for anything else and my parents didn’t expect them to, but I realize that times have changed. Also, weddings in our area are not nearly as elaborate as they are in, say, the northeast. A big blow-out by local standards would be considered downright chintzy elsewhere.
To me, there are really only 3 financial sources for most wedding matters, the Parents of Bride, Parents of Groom and the couple. It’s nice when all agree and come up with a reasonable budget and plan. Absent that, the couple has to figure out what they can afford with whatever anyone is contributing and just do it.
@oldfort, do you have some reason to dislike or distrust your FSIL and/or his family? You seem to me to be taking a fairly suspicious attitude towards them.
I love my FSIL and his parents are lovely people. I just want make to sure my daughter is valued and honored by FSIL’s family, and they are celebrating the event. FSIL’s sister is also getting married the same year and the parents are paying for the wedding. I have always planned on paying for my daughter’s wedding and didn’t expect the groom’s family to split the cost, but I do think it is appropriate for the groom’s family (or the groom) to throw a party. Again, it is not how fancy the party is, but the thought and effort that matter. I would be suspicious if the groom’s family should decide not to do anything.
In my son’s case, the bride’s parents contributed nothing towards the wedding. They are absolutely lovely people, and the MOB and I are still friends even though the marriage didn’t work out (as are S & DIL). She and I would be good friends IRL if we weren’t an ocean away.
My MIL and FIL gave us a small food processor as a wedding gift (no funds towards wedding expenses). We had no expectations of them. No disappointment necessary. Their true colors flew high and proud.
An awful lot of parents aren’t pleased with the people their kids marry and don’t feel like celebrating the fact that their child is marrying someone they either openly dislike or can barely tolerate.
My own in-laws barely tolerated me, and I don’t think I would have achieved even that degree of acceptance except for the fact that my husband’s one and only sibling is a brother who is an extreme loner who obviously would never get married. It’s clear that I was grudgingly accepted because I was their only hope for grandchildren.
If the future-in-laws are not pleased then I would tell my kid to re-think about the marriage. You do not just marry the person, you marry the family. I know my kids would think really hard about marrying someone that my family doesn’t like because we spend so much time together.
I’ve known exceptions to the rehearsal dinner: when one of my nieces was married, her H’s family and friends came from abroad to attend, and my sister held a party with a buffet supper at her place instead. (Now that I recall, I think I cooked almost all of the food. Oh well.)