The college example fits. They want you to go full freight, for various reasons, and you want to be reasonable. But they aren’t able to contribute, based on other choices they made.
I do see what bevhills said, that traditionally, the groom’s parents pay. I also see a nice explanation about how it has to do with the importance of community and gathering as many well-wishes, for the couple. I hope this all works out for you.
When I had my first conversation with MOG, she said to me, “Your daughter is such a good planner, I am just going to stay out of it and I am sure the wedding will be just perfect.” I said to D1, “I don’t mind paying for the bulk of wedding, but I do expect your in-laws to do something.” I didn’t care what it was, but I wanted see a sign from them that they valued my daughter and welcomed her to the family. They could host a welcome party for the guests at a local park with paper plates and home made food, but it had to come from them.
I would like to ask CC parents here…When your kids get married, whether you are parent of girl or boy, do you really expect not to pay for anything? Most parents have given parties for their kid’s birthday, graduation, prom, “given a participation award for showing up”…so why not for a wedding?
I have a S and D. I plan to give each a roughly equal sum toward their wedding, honeymoon, housing, whatever they want when they are engaged. It never had made any sense to me for one side to pay it all and the other side to invite whom they want and just show up. It just isn’t fair, imho.
For my kids, they will work it out–we will give them the money and it will be theirs to choose how to spend.
I have no idea what my folks did with any of my sibs. When I got married, H and I paid for everything except everyone paid by the head for the guests they invited who attended. My folks paid for their guests, ILs paid for theirs and we paid for ours. It seemed fairest to H and I and everyone agreed up front.
Maybe because the well is dry after the birthday, graduation, prom parties? Oh, and that college thing?
In my case, at least right now, my kids don’t want big weddings. Of course if they start dating Prince Harry, things might change but we have a very small family, small community, and no dreams of big weddings. My siblings paid for their own weddings.
We have two sons and one daughter. When my S got engaged and it became clear that the B’s family would be making the wedding, we offered to contribute, without ever getting into specific amounts. When the MOB declined our offer to contribute directly to the wedding, we offered to host the rehearsal/welcome dinner and the morning after brunch. I’ve also made all the arrangements with the hotel and expect to create/provide welcome bags for all of the out-of-town guests. When, hopefully, the other two reach this stage, we will have the discussion with the other families and find a good place for all. We do, in the case of our D, expect to take the lead for her wedding if she wants, but who knows. I would never assume anyone should pay for an entire event in which any member of my family is a central participant.
Now, on the other hand, if we choose to offer the couple an event they would like to have but it is not financially feasible for the future spouse’s family to contribute, we would offer to foot the entire bill. If that makes the other family uncomfortable in any way (and that approach would never, in my mind, dictate that we “get” more guests, for instance), I would hope that my FDIL or FSIL would speak up and have an open and honest conversation with us.
What we have found is that even with two families who have been communicating since day 1, and are in similar though not equal financial circumstances, there can be different priorities for the wedding and it can be difficult for even the couple to intercede when parental feelings are in play. My S is very sensitive to what he considers over-the-top displays and his FMIL is a person who loves the extravagant and flamboyant. She sees it as a personal touch that lends romance and a sense of specialness to an event - his fiancé, of course, wants her mother to be happy. They are finding their way and I think it will inform how they approach both sets of parents in their lives going forward. As i told my S this weekend, the wedding is about committing to the woman you love, the party is just that, a party. What he will remember is the look in her eyes, not the color of the tablecloths!
I am bowing out of this conversation. I really don’t like veiled criticism of my decisions. I am putting this out to remind myself that I need not to check back. I wish everyone here a beautiful wedding. I posted a very personal thought and am sorry that many do not agree.
I never threw a gradation party and since the kids were out of elementary school, no birthday parties. No 50th birthday parties for my H or me. No money as we focused on paying for college and retirement.
What we did do, sacrificed and paid for a college education for my kids. My kids saved enough to put 20% down on a not starter home in their city and enough to pay for the wedding they want, they told us that. I do not think that the brides parents are paying either as their financial picture does not seem especially big although they are doing well.
In my real world, lots of kids pay for their own weddings. Lots of my kids friends have big school loans and still live at home with their parents. My kids are so ahead of the curve by no school loans and the fact that they live on their own. They completely fund their 401k’s.
This rant is so not me and I apologize for it. I guess it struck a nerve for me and my insecurities
@deb922, I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. What I meant, in my own clumsy way, was that everyone should do what works for their families, with no guilt or overreaching. Could our kids pay for their own weddings, yes. Do I need them to, no. Our family, our decisions. In no way should that be seen as a judgement on those who make other decisions for whatever reasons. Please know that all perspectives on these life-cycle events are welcome and appreciated. I, for one, love to hear how other families handle these sometimes sticky issues.
We fully intend to contribute to our son’s wedding if he ever gets married. If that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen…we are going to gift him the amount we are spending on DD’s wedding…and he can use it as he chooses.
We had two kids…we fully expected to help,them with college costs…and wedding costs.
I would be embarrassed NOT to contribute to my son’s wedding should that happen.
Its breaking my heart that D’s future in-laws have shown almost no interest in the upcoming wedding. It would have been very nice if they had offered to cover some of the expenses (this is very common in our area) and money isn’t an issue. They didn’t and we made some adjustments to our planning. It’ll all work out. What’s more troubling is their lack of emotional interest. Since the couple got engaged over a year ago, I’ve had 2 interactions with his mom (dad is deceased). I initiated both of them. It was very awkward. They’re far from a warm and fuzzy family. I’d love to see my D valued and welcome by his family as much as we value and welcomed his fiancee.
We told our kids that we will educate them to the absolute limit of our ability and beyond, but committed to nothing with regard to the weddings. We have three kids over the span of 11 years, so our girls are now in the engaged/marrying phase while our son is in the college sophomore phase. We always told them not to expect anything and to plan whatever weddings they can arrange for themselves. We meant it.
One D is engaged to a young man we adore, family finances are similar to ours. Based on the date and plan for the wedding, we have decided that we are able to pay for our daughter’s dress, the flowers, the cake, and the photographer. That’s the best we can do and the couple is very grateful. The groom’s dad has decided to pay for the caterer (the cost is reasonable since they are having a non-traditional venue and accessible food) with the caveat that he be asked to make no decisions. The MOG might, possibly, pay for the rehearsal dinner, but it’s not clear. The couple is paying for the rest. I’m a little concerned about this wedding because the couple is the first of their group to get married and is a little clueless. But it will work out. At some point, I’m going to post for advice how to gently help my daughter understand the niceties that make a wedding comfortable for guests.
My other D, who was engaged and had a hideous breakup, is seeing someone in a totally different range from us. They are multiple home-owning, fabulously wealthy folks who will probably have different expectations and plans for whomever their son marries.
@zoosermom I know you said at some point…but we discussed this from the get go with DD. There are things that are very important at a wedding…and other things that are less so. We have a budget…and encouraged DD to prioritize the things that are important. And will be remembered by all.
In our minds number one is the photographer…because at the end of it all…the only thing you will have is the pictures. So…we did an exhaustive search for the photographer…and while pricey…we feel it’s a priority.
Folks remember the entertainment and dancing…so,whether a DJ or band…we felt this was also a high priority.
Re: food…folks remember it if it is outstanding…or lousy. We chose a venue that we feel has good food.
Things we think are less important…because,they are throw always…save the date cards. Really…once the invite is sent…those usually get tossed. So…we are going for something nice with the info needed…but we are not breaking the bank on these.
Invitations run a large gamut in terms of price. DD wants a simple looking, but nice invitation. Those don’t need to be extremely costly.
Wedding programs. I don’t think we are going to have one…at all.
Wedding favors…not having those either.
We are staying very out of the planning. I’m actually not sure if we should be a little more involved. I am a bit concerned about a couple of things. I’ll post to get some advice.
I don’t have any strong feelings – and I know that when they booked the venue, the contract included a vegetarian meal for me, and they have decided on a potato bar at the cocktail hour, so how could I not feel loved? With the loss of my mother and sister in the last two years, our already small family has shrunk even more, so we will have very few guests on our “side” at the wedding. The future SIL is an absolute gift from God. We couldn’t adore him more if I had given birth to him. They are perfect for each other and will be very happy. Someday they will give me grandchildren!
That said, they are a little weird. Maybe a lot weird, and they have no frame of reference to know what is customary and why. They are not being kind to his mother. I wish they would be, but it’s not my business really. Should be interesting.
We are very glad that we can help as much as we can, but if they had gotten married a year or two ago, it might not have been possible. We do the best we can, but make no promises. By the time our son gets married, we will have a lot more money because we will be long done with tuition. My girls got young parents, my son will get wealthier parents.
“In our minds number one is the photographer…because at the end of it all…the only thing you will have is the pictures. So…we did an exhaustive search for the photographer…and while pricey…we feel it’s a priority.”
Interesting how each of us values things differently. At my own wedding back in the day, this is where we decided to save $. Got a very basic photographer, so while we have photos, they are nothing special and fancy. No fancy albums - just a range of photos that we had full access to print and create our own albums from those we liked. No regrets. We have our memories.
For our family, it’s about the food and entertainment. Basically, throwing a good party. 
It really varies from family to family, for sure, and the difficulties arise when the 2 families have different priorities.
Back in my day, I don’t remember the groom’s side being involved much. I get the feeling that has changed a lot but for those groom’s families that are hands off, it might be out of courtesy because they feel it isn’t their place to inject their opinions.
@deb922, I’m sure no one is posting to hurt you or anyone else. There is just such a range of situations and folks here that have and want different things. As long as the couple is happy and know what is available from early on, that seems fair to me. Some couples pay 100% themselves. That works for some but not others as well.
Every family has their own budget when it comes to weddings. Whatever works for your family is what should be.
We aren’t expecting a HUGE contribution from the groom’s family…but it would be a nice gesture to offer to pay for something…and it doesn’t have to be a big something. We need two outdoor planters…total coat $100. I’d be happy of they offered to pay for those…or even one of those (and they could take it home after the wedding).
Maybe after the MOG and I have lunch, and she sees the venue, and we chat, she will discuss with the groom and her husband.
Interesting. For my family and DH’s, it was about a few elegant touches. So we used a historical house on campus for the reception, no charge except food, as MIL was affiliated with the U. My mother wanted a champagne punch, that was it for alcohol. (This worked, as it was a morning wedding.) But we had a a violinist duo play through the reception. As music/violin was an important part of family on both sides, they were all happy. A cousin is a pro photographer. For a long time, people commented on how nice it all was-- not because overall it was a 10/10 perfect blowout, but because of the few careful touches.
And that’s what I hope(d) for my girls- few elegant touches that gloss the event and make for focused memories. Earlier, I said D2’s wedding was quite inexpensive. It was also quite lovely. D1 will be more problematic. More friends to invite, bigger dreams.
I’m a firm believer that you prioritize the first few things that really matter to the couple, then the parents, then it’s easy to make decisions on the rest.
deb922: in post #2927, you write you are paying off (your kids’?) school loans and trying to prepare for retirement, while your kids have a higher income and nicer homes than you and husband. It makes absolute sense to me that in this scenario, the self supporting, high income kids, with zero student debt, fund their own wedding and whatever sort of wedding they want within their means. You have given your kids an amazing gift that they find themselves in this position. It would be different if a certain kind of wedding was important to you, and you were willing to pay for it. That doesn’t seem to be the case. I, too, know young people who have paid for their own weddings… not unusual at all.
Since our kids are also better off financially than we are, my husband has been reminding me a whole lot lately to let them take care of themselves financially, because it definitely isn’t my nature. What they continue to need from me is my time and attention and I don’t see that changing any time soon.
Adding: I think it’s an unusual position to be in.
Where I’m from MOB is responsible for wedding and reception. MOG is responsible for rehearsal dinner.
Is this not the norm for most on this thread?
Oldfort, thumper, others: when you say the grooms family isn’t offering to pay for anything, do I understand correctly they haven’t offered a rehearsal dinner?
Speaking only for myself!
At this point…and we are a year away so we do have time…the groom and family haven’t offered to pay for anything…at all.
Conversations about this have not taken place between the groom and his parents…which I think needs to happen.
If no one else pays for a rehearsal dinner, we will. I do think the groom’s family will do something. Our rehearsal might be in the morning so it will really be a brunch or lunch.
And @alh it’s not the MOB and MOG who bear the responsibility…it is the bride’s family…as the groom’s family…which would NOT just be the moms!
“Where I’m from” was sort of tongue in cheek. That world doesn’t exist any longer, if it ever really did. When it did, if it did, both families had a common wedding culture, with very clear, if unspoken rules.
What I see over and over on these wedding threads are misunderstandings, probably based on each family having very strong, preconceived ideas of correct wedding rules.
It took me a few years of real life weddings, for my kids and my friends kids, to really grasp there are absolutely no universal wedding rules. And another few for it to quit bothering me. Now I’m pretty Zen about it all. “Where I’m from” seems like another lifetime.