Bookworm, we had a kiddush at shul and an open house at home for the guys’ Bar Mitzvahs. Exactly what they wanted. They watched Weird Al and Star Trek, and played touch football and Risk far into the night.
Again, thanks for all of the input! It’s helping sort this out in my head. @bevhills oh no, they are Persian Jewish! Hopefully you understand where this is coming from, then. I did hear that it’s usually the groom’s side but that just isn’t the case here. I’m familiar with what’s expected to go into a Persian wedding and I know what it’s supposed to look like, which is why I was a bit disappointed that they won’t be able to contribute towards it at all. So it wouldn’t be unreasonable to just say that they need to limit their side to, say, 120 people?
Just to clarify what I meant by cover the plate because I knew that wouldn’t be a great comment - I don’t expect to make everything back, just that if my fiance and I need to cover, say, 40 people that no one else will, I expect it won’t be a total loss and we might do a somewhat acceptable job of filling the gap between what we paid / what they give.
In my opinion, it’s unreasonable for the G’s family to dictate anything if they are not contributing to the wedding, and, even if they are or are willing, there can be limits. When our S and FDIL became engaged, we offered to contribute to the costs of the wedding, an offer that was graciously declined by the MOB. She and her ex-husband planned to pay for the wedding the kids wanted. We did offer (and will) host the welcome/rehearsal dinner and the brunch at the hotel. However, the couple chose a venue with a hard cap of 225, which sounds like a lot but isn’t when there are two large families and a mid-30’s B & G who have independent circles of friends. My H and the MOB come from families where extended family might as well be immediate, and there are large groups of longtime friends who would have expected an invitation. The limits are not about money - we would have been happy to contribute - it’s the venue. MOB was more than generous in the allocation of invitations, even though she is footing the bill. 50 for her, 50 for us, and 100 for the couple. So, even when the the financial circumstances might allow something bigger, the wishes of the couple have superseded everything. @rebeccar, would you even want a wedding that included that many people? Sometimes tradition has to take a back seat to practicality whether that is dictated by finances or desire.
@rebeccar, while you don’t want this to be remembered as an awful rift, you also don’t want to be walked over for this and the future. What you and our fiancé want matters! You and he need to figure out what YOU GUYS want and set some boundaries now, early on. Your fiancé needs to stand up to his family. They have to shoulder a bigger financial contribution if they want more than xxx guests and even then, you can limit it by the venue chosen. There is no point taking on huge debt for a wedding or reception, just like it’s a bad idea to take on big debt for college.
I mean, when we first started having the engagement talks, I was SO PUMPED about a huge Persian wedding. It sounded amazing when his family would talk about it. When I thought his family was going to happily contribute to make it happen, I was on board. But now that it’s my family paying for all of it, I’m definitely not feeling like we need to spend an exorbitant amount of money on a lavish party. I’ve never been a flashy person. It’s kind of like, if someone was offering to pay full price for me to go to an incredible private college, then I’d definitely take it. But if there is no benevolent benefactor, then of course I’d prefer the value option of a good state school.
I think I have a much better idea of how to handle this now. We’ll just have to come up with a reasonable guest amount and be firm about it. My parents have 75, my fiance and I have about 60, so I think around 100 should be more than generous for them.
I’d suggest 75, 75, 75. Then if you and your H want to give your ILs a few of your guest spaces, maybe that would work. You will be just as married whether lavish or more humble wedding, just like the Rolls Royce gets folks to their destination, as does the SmartCar.
@rebeccar can you share the financial position of your future in laws? Are they truly destitute, or really rich but set on a cultural bias that the brides family must pay all costs?
Are they in a position to pay some amount of money and are just refusing?
@rebeccar Curious as to your future ILs’ financial means. Can they afford to help and don’t want to pay? Or do they truly not have the resources? Doesn’t change my mind that your family should pay for what they want/can afford and not go crazy with a 400 person wedding, but I am curious as to why your finance’s family is going against what appears to be custom in terms of who pays but still requesting all the hoopla of the huge Persian wedding.
They live in an expensive area on Long Island and sent all their kids to Jewish day school, and also recently paid for the mom to go to grad school. According to his parents, they truly do not have anything extra and would have to take out a home equity line of credit.
I think my parents were prepared for having to cover the bulk of it, but not for having to cover extreme hoopla (perfect word).
No extreme hoopla because no one can or wants to foot the bill for it. That sounds like the basic starting point.
I’m sure once you and fiancé make your firm ground rules, things will work out just fine.
Agree with HImom, offer them 75 guests. Those 75 will probably grow by a few. If you offer 120, you will end up growing that number as well.
Yes, 75 guests across the board(both parent sets, bridal couple); then when you and fiance only need 60 you can generously gift them your extras.
I’m not an optimist. I expect the future in-laws will push your parents boundaries for an elaborate affair, and then claim the honor. I’d set my limits very firmly. No more than 75 guests, and no extras. That means no open bar, no elaborate floral arrangements. Truthfully, I’d ask them to make the center pieces. For example, they can put together food items to be donated to a shelter, wrapped up nicely. Lots of ideas on line. They can also make the table numbers, and supply gifts for their out of town guests.
Be clear that your parents don’t want to spend all their money on a party, but hope to use it to,help with a future home and help with grandchildren. Be firm that your parents have a set budget.
Trust that I have seen this scenario many times in my community.
Your folks and you should NOT allow anyone to shove you, @rebeccar. You and fiancé need to be strong and firm or come to HI and elope. I will even perform the ceremony at no charge. 
It can’t possibly be your parents’ responsibility to pay for your in-laws’ dream wedding. This just makes no sense to me.
It may never be possible to satisfy them once you give in at all. The budget doesn’t matter to them.
You could say, “We don’t want either family to take a home equity loan, so we’re having what we all can afford.” Or, “…what we all can afford.”
They should realize that if they can afford zip, they really have no position to set expectations. Sure, if would be nice for the bride’s parents to throw a party for the groom’s parents, but this is your day.
“My parents are keeping their list to 75, I think we can underwrite 100 for you.” (Maybe a bit more nicely said.)
If they want to somehow pay for their extra 100-300, you still have to explain the limits your parents “can” afford. And your customs. Don’t make your parents out to be Lord and Lady Bountiful.
Sorry. But both sides need to play fair. Maybe the groom’s side throws a party at their home, that they host for 400, into the wee hours.
hmmm, and the very best way to communicate information when there is resistance is called the “broken
record”. You put the information out and then you repeat it as often as necessary in a calm collected voice.
Eventually the person who is talking realizes that you are just giving a message and they need to listen.
NO apologies. Your parents do not need anyone to apologize for them.
“We have set the number of guests with my parents and what they can spend on our wedding.
Each of us can invite 75 guests”. And repeat, repeat, repeat. You do not even have to change your wording.
They may need to be upset and carry on a bit in the name of being loyal to their friends and family.
But within a few minutes they will collect themselves and start to deal with a very generous reality.
If they do not then that is good information for you to have.
When one of my relatives got married, there was a nice reception for about 200+ people. The bride invited some folks, groom invited some, his parents and her parents. The groom’s family also had a separate reception where the aunt of the groom got to invite HER friends.
I attended another wedding where the couple had a ceremony somewhere in Boston where they lived or Taiwan where her family lived. They had a reception in each of those places as well as one in HI, where groom’s family lived. We attended the one in HI. It was very nice and I think the couple ended up with what they wanted at each place.
Finances ARE an issue and it’s important to not be bulldozed on that. Partying can be VERY expensive, but only if you let it be YOUR expense or that of a loved one.
@rebeccar your parents may have imagined a certain style of wedding at a certain price (based on others in your community, relatives, religious requirements). That was the dream. The reality is now here and your finance and his family have a different dream and a different budget. Time for negotiations to begin.
What do YOU want? It you want the 400 person wedding, you can certainly do that but it is not going to be the sit down dinner your parents imagined, especially if the current budget for 200 has to expand to 400. Most of the budget would then go for food. It might be an afternoon party with no liquor, no band, no dancing. It may be a buffet and beer. What do YOU want (taking into consideration your parents’ wishes since they are the hosts)? Absolutely reasonable to do it either way, but the budget is the budget. And do you really care about having his next door neighbor and friends from high school there? He might, but you might not.
My daughter is currently dating a man who seems to be related to 3/4 of NJ. We have about 10 relatives who would come to any wedding, no matter where it is held. D and BF have their friends. I think if they were to get married right now, they’d have a very small wedding near our home and then his parents would hold a circus tent reception for them at a later date. And that’s what I’d want them to do. No reason they should have to be limited to match my guest list of 10. What would my daughter want? To escape to Vegas and avoid both events. Her boyfriend would want the circus tent with all his high school friends, cousins, Aunt Mae, neighbors, co-workers. Two events. Everyone wins.
Just want to reiterate my thanks to everyone. I feel much more confident about this. They were so insistent (“oh, of course the wedding has to have XYZ, that’s how Persians do it!”) that I couldn’t tell what was reasonable for me to push back against. I’m familiar with the concept of “do not JADE” (justify, argue, defend, or explain) but never really had to use it before. My fiance and I are both very close with our parents so I think this is going to be pretty good practice for establishing boundaries.