If it were our family, the lack of a suit or sport coat - at any wedding, outdoor or indoor - would be a non-issue. We just want our guests to be there … we don’t care what they wear, although wearing SOMETHING is a must ;)). I think it depends on how formal the couple/their families are. We recently went to a wedding and the website indicated that dress was “semi formal.” I had to ask D what that means today.
I found out my fiance’s side doesn’t have a single dollar to contribute to the wedding and expects my parents to pay for all of it. My parents were already planning to contribute a significant amount, they were obviously hoping the other side would have a contribution too, though it is what it is. But now the issue is that my fiance’s family is from a culture that does huge weddings - 400 people, goes until 3AM, etc. My parents came up with a list of about 75 for their side, but my fiance’s parents are up to like 200 already and still going. I obviously can’t and won’t ask my parents to pay for 200 random people they don’t know, but I also can’t not have my fiance’s family there, and my parents don’t want me or fiance to dip into our savings for the wedding. We’re both 23.
I’d say of the 200 or so people his side has, about half is actual family, and the other half is “people from the community who are expecting an invitation because they see each other a lot at synagogue and would be offended to not be invited.” Is it okay to just… not invite those people, and tell fiance’s parents that unfortunately they’d have to cover them themselves (which they can’t)? Apparently his parents were pretty insistent to my parents that these people need to be there, but I don’t think that should be my parents’ responsibility. Another solution is that my fiance and I cover those people ourselves. According to him, they always “cover their plate” in his culture so we should expect that they’ll virtually pay for themselves. We have a solid amount of savings so if we gamble with that and lose a few thousand it’s not the end of the world.
The other issue is that I don’t want the wedding to be overwhelmed by his side when my parents are footing the bill for the whole thing. It doesn’t seem totally fair. Argh. I’m just not sure how to approach this.
How about finding a low cost venue )someone’s backyard or community hall) and having punch, cookies and cake? If the folks aren’t contributing a dime, I can’t see how they get any say in what kind of celebration you have.
If they aren’t contributing, they don’t get a say in the event. Give them a max number of guests and stick to it. (Easier said than done, I know.) Your fiance needs to man up and explain it to his parents. If he can’t do that, he’s not ready to be married.
You and your fiance can make up the difference, but I wouldn’t count on guests covering the plate. Are you willing to defer honeymoon travel, grad school, a house purchase because you use savings to pay for his guests? And do you want that big a wedding?
My husband always wears a suit to an evening wedding…and a sport jacket to afternoon weddings (unless the dress has been specified on the invite to be dressier).
Your husband WILL be in pictures…he just won’t be in the posed family pictures.
The reality is…he can take his sport jacket off if it’s too hot…and he probably won’t be the only one who does.
Agree that groom has to step up and tell his folks they MUST limit guests to XX or pay for each guest attending $$$. The position of these parents is totally unreasonable. The other options are eloping or having a very low key, low cost punch and dessert reception or similar.
There is NO WAY I would find a wedding with 400 guests on the other side of the bridal couple…unless that was in my price range to begin with.
This couple needs to have the wedding THEY can afford…not the one the groooms parents want them to have…which sounds way too costly.
Agree…the future groom needs to speak to his family.
Here…we haven’t heard a peep about anyone else paying for anything for our kid’s wedding. At this point…we assume we will be paying for everything…although DD says there has been discussion of a rehearsal meal…just for bridal party and SO, and immediate family.
Since we will have a number of out of town guests…guess we will be hosting a welcome event, and brunch as well.
I think it will be fine.
Thanks for all the perspectives, it really is incredibly helpful. This is all brand new to me so it’s hard to tell what’s unreasonable and what’s not. My parents have been expecting to throw a big Long Island wedding and the money is definitely there, it’s just a question of how to fairly spend it. My fiance is going to be speaking to his family about how they can’t expect to be entitled to anything, and he’s going to help them trim their list. I think coming up with a maximum guest count for them and cutting them off there is the bet way to go. Hopefully that’ll become clear after pricing venues - if one place is $125pp and one is $175pp, I’d rather go for the cheaper option and be able to invite more people, but I’d also prefer if those people were our own friends…
On the various wedding blogs I have read recently the biggest mistake a couple makes is not having a
handle on their budget and their guest list. Your parents need to give you a definite # of guests for the
wedding. Your fiancé then tells his parents the wedding is X# of guests and that they many invite this many guests.
If then his parents want to invite more and to contribute towards those guests they would need to talk
with one of your parents.
The important thing is that this does not become an emotional argument. It should be factual.
Guessing after his folks have a fit they will adjust and come up with their priority list.
And NO, your saving are not for this. Only if your parents ask you to contribute should you do so.
imho. If your parents are paying, it is their party and they are hosting. The future in-laws have no say in the plans, other than what your parents generously offer. Your parents should tell the in-laws they will host a certain number of guests on the in-law’s side.
The grooms parents have the option to have their own party for you and invite whom ever they choose.
Where this gets tricky to me is when the parents of the groom host a party the night before for the entire guest list. Maybe that isn’t a problem here.
We had an estimated guest list BEFORE we even started looking at venues.
So @rebeccar maybe that is the tact you can use. Then help,draw a line in the sand.
Our wedding couple, for example, wants on,y people who they have met…which seems reasonable since they have known one another for five years. OTOH…they are amenable to some others being invited if they are I ortant to the parents. But not to the tune of hundreds of people.
imho, again… it makes sense to determine the guest list numbers first, those you want to have with you that day, and then use your budget for a wonderful and affordable wedding for that guest count.
S & DIL wanted people they knew. DIL’s side was immediate side only (bride, parents and sister) – noone else came over form the other side of the pond. We had about 20 of our friends, most of whom S had known his entire life. The rest of the 100 consisted of their friends. Would have been delighted if more of DIL’s family could have attended, but it was not to be.
Bride’s parents paid nothing except their travel expenses here. We paid for the food as our gift (we catered it ourselves). S & DIL paid the rest. They both had great jobs and felt it was their responsibility to cover the cost. Old timers might remember I did a LOT of DIY. Total was about what we spent for our wedding, adjusted for inflation.We had a great time with friends and family.
@rebeccar , not too long ago @bevhills had a situation that sounds somewhat similar. Her S married a young woman from a Jewish culture that expects huge numbers of wedding guests, AND requires kosher food. (Bevhills is also Jewish, but not observant.) And they were not paying for anything.
Perhaps she will drop in and dispense some wisdom.
Personally, I think your future in-laws need to realize that their S is marrying out of the group, and that not everything they are accustomed to will happen. If they wish to have a huge party celebrating your wedding to which they can invite 400 people, there is nothing to stop them from having such a party themselves.
I do not believe when people say they have no money to spend on a wedding. It is a matter of want to and where their priorities are. Rebeccar’s fiancee family may not have a lot of money, but they could come up with some money to do something. I think it is ridiculous Rebeccar fiancee family wants 400+ people at the wedding and is not helping with the cost. BTW - unless Rebeccar is having a wedding in her backyard or at a church, there is no way those 400 people are going to cover the plate. It is not a gamble I would be willing to take.
H’s boss’s D married a guy whose culture also likes big weddings with the whole community invited. Fortunately, the groom’s family picked up half the cost of the reception. If they want the big numbers, they should expect to pony up. If they can’t or won’t contribute, the couple needs to establish a number of guests & insist the families stick to their number.
Totally agree with @oldfort
Families should be able to contribute SOMETHING. Like I said…we are dealing with that as well. The groom will be speaking to his parents. I (MOB) am taking MOG out to lunch. That will be at the venue where the hotel rooms are blocked off. We will also see the reception venue…so she has something to wrap her head around. Right now…MOG really doesn’t have sufficient info.
But I’ll add…a venue for over 400 people needs to be quite a bit larger than for say…100…or even 150. For example…the venue we have reserved cannaccommodate up to 250. So if suddenly an addition couple hundred guests were asked to be added…it would just be a non-starter.
Agree, if the couple wants a more intimate event, the venue will determine how many people can comfortably and safely attend the event. If folks want to have huge parties afterwards for the couple, that’s on them. The wedding and reception needs to be what the couple wants and will be within a budget that works for the couple. To me, it’s totally unreasonable for anyone to insist they HAVE to invite xxx guests and no, they won’t be paying ANYTHING to help defray costs. I don’t expect guests to defray costs of events that I host and don’t think it’s a reasonable thing to expect.
For a bar mitzvah, I hosted a KIDDISH for whole congregation, but only invited guests could come into the party/dining room. I’ve seen this planning all the time.
“Chutzpah!!!” For any families not paying, but insisting on huge guest list, open bars, etc.
Dear Consolation:
Rebeccar: Congratulations on finding love! Please note: If your fiancee’s family is Persian Jewish, none of this applies. You will have a huge wedding. But, in the Persian culture the groom’s family pays for the wedding. And yes, they party all night long. Prepare to serve breakfast as well.
Thank you for the complement regarding “wisdom”. I think that I learned survival techniques… Venue: Her go to number was 200 for her side. I choose a restaurant with a max of 130. Ok…she upped it to 154. She brought in kosher for her must have guests. I had no hand in this…nor did I offer help in paying for her very kosher friends. However our meal was fish or vegetarian. I truly didn’t want to offend anyone. Anyone can survive a dinner minus seafood. There must be a dialogue between both families. Open, CIVAL discussions. You do not want the wedding to be remembered as the end of time. While the discussion may not conclude with money, at least you have many of the issues out there.
No one “covers” the plate. As I recall dinner was $400 per person. No couple routinely gives $800 for a present. And we had the rehearsal dinner at our house. …and I paid for the brunch. In the the bride’s family paid for photography and music. And the flowers. Please be aware that the venue didn’t need any extra beauty. But her florest was AMAZING. (yes, many props). I have never seen such a beautiful chuppah.
The reason I mention the last bit is to say that the parents may have an image to uphold and they “can’t” pay. But that doesn’t entitle them to unlimited guests. Honesty and compassion (and slamming doors in private) will help.
And, the slamming doors…I slammed bedroom door so hard Ibroke it. Splintered it. I slammed that door more than once after wedding “discussions”. It was then that I remembered that this too shall pass.
Now I am going to call the other side and invite them for Father’s Day dinner.