MOB did not ask about the alcohol–S called us and said, “You’re taking care of the liquor, right?” He told me that the bride’s parents expected this. I assume his fiancee asked him to call me about it. I was surprised–it was not anything I ever offered or thought of. Relatives of mine confirmed that this is "traditional " (which might vary by region/generation). I felt that I couldn’t really refuse since the bride’s parents were paying for so many other things.( It really wouldn’t be a problem if you could just bring in your own bottles!) It got a little weird, then, when originally the bride and groom thought beer, wine, and champagne would be enough, but the bride’s dad insisted on open bar. The venue manager talked me out of a totally “open” bar. She said “nobody does this.” But bride’s dad did not want people to pay for any drinks (some people have limited offerings/cash bar after a certain time, or for special requests). I guess he thought cash bars are cheap or tacky. And I do agree that I wouldn’t want guests to pay for drinks. I do think it is tacky to have to get out your wallet and pay for a drink when you are an invited guest. (But not sure why some guests wouldn’t drink what is offered? Are people that picky about what they drink?) The manager could see that I knew nothing about liquor, but we then settled on basic liquors (“rail drinks”?) plus the beer/wine/champagne, and she suggested getting a keg to save on beer. But bride’s parents were adamant about NO KEG. (I’m not sure why? It is beer on tap behind the bar, not a keg sitting in the middle of the room/self-serve like a frat party?) they had various choices for kegs including imports and micro-brews, but bride’s parents didn’t like any of them. Maybe they thought it would limit guests’ choices? Anyway, the bride’s parents could see I was a little uncomfortable with it, and they wanted to know if it “bothered me” or if I wanted to set a price limit and they would pay the rest, or they would pay for the difference between the keg vs. bottled beer, or pay for the hard liquor and I would pay for the rest, but I felt like I would look cheap if I asked them to pay more. I don’t know what parents, in general, think about what bride’s family and groom’s family should pay. Maybe some think it should be 50%-50%? Just wondering what you all think. We have 4 daughters and 3 sons. ( Will our sons marry into families who want to split the bill, and our daughters marry into families who expect the bride’s family to pay everything? 
)
BTW, the total bar tab including service charge and tax was just over 4K. Silly me–I thought it would be about 2.5K. Our total expenses for this son’s wedding were about 10.5K (including our own travel expenses, and the groomsmen’s suits and hotel room–which we knew wasn’t expected, but felt was the right thing to do). Ouch! We thought we’d spend about 5K for a son and about 10K for a daughter. That’s one down. . .
I have friends who went off by themselves to a destination to be married. Or with just two friends to stand up for them. It didn’t exclude close family from their lives, just that the event was that small and personal.
I’d wonder how many others are invited, SOS.
I remember when a son of my parents’ friends ‘found out’ that the groom’s parents paid for the liquor. VERY regional custom. Also found out that bride’s family was inviting everyone they knew and then some. The groom was the oldest of 8, with 5 girls, so the family didn’t think they’d be paying for a wedding for a while. Surprise. I do remember that it was open bar for a couple of hours in the afternoon, then dinner, then kegs of beer (yes, real kegs, just like at frat parties) until ‘closing’.
I think if the groom’s parents are paying for the liquor, the decision of what to serve should be theirs (along with the couple’s), and no longer the wishes of the father of the bride. You were nice to consider his preferences, but once they ask you to co-host, you have the final say as to what you want to serve. Totally within your right to say “Our budget is $2500, and we can only get there by having a keg, and only beer and wine after dinner.”
atom, I have never heard that the grooms parents are expected to pay for the bar. I know that often they
offer. My D’s FBIL just married in Boston. A large very expensive wedding. I asked the MOG if they were paying for the bar and she was adamant that they were not. 65 for the rehearsal dinner was what they agreed to do. That was about $6500. Plus hotels and clothes an a shower…
We have given D a large amount for whatever they want to do. That said, it is not really large if you
live certain places. On top of that we are expecting another $6,000-$8,000 with different expenses.
Oh and don’t forget all of the yard stuff that we have put off that now is in progress…
H and I tried to elope to New Zealand to be married by a family friend who was a minister there.
H’s mother was their best friend so she decided without asking to come with us. Bought her ticket
before letting us know.
I did not tell my mother she was there for 8 years and even then it was inadvertent and I regretted
it. My mother’s behavior was a large reason we did not want a wedding with relatives. We did marry in
NZ but the minister invited the congregation so we had 100 strangers there. Not ideal.
D and FSIL have decided not to have extended family. While they know their relatives and spent
summer vacations with them they feel closer to friends. Thus the 22 intimate ceremony and dinner
and then the 150 friends a week later. It is all a little strange but they are happy and they are
having what they want. I am happy as I do not have to see my sister who is the twin of my deceased
mother…
So…on what region do the grooms parents pay for, the liquor at the wedding reception. I grew up in the Midwest, and now live in New England…and never heard of this…before.
We live in HI. We never followed any etiquette book on who pays for what. H and I paid for most things EXCEPT each party paid the meal costs for their guests–my folks paid for the guests they invited who attended, my inlaws paid for the guests they invited who attended and we paid for those H and I invited who attended. It seemed the easiest and fairest to us.
I think the arbitrary “rules” of what each family is supposed to pay for are outdated and definitely something that should be cleared up early on, so there are no “surprises” or hard feelings. We probably will give our kids a lump sum that they can spend as they prefer, on the wedding, reception, honeymoon, down payment or whatever they choose. It seems much easier than trying to figure out who is responsible for which bills.
Agree with Himom. We gave our D & FSIL our gift when they got engaged. They are educated, smart and we knew they would make wise choices. They are free to spend it how they see fit: If they want to blow it all in one day, or save some and have tiny wedding and fab honeymoon, their choice. Removed H & I from lots of pesky decisions that H and my D would surely have clashed on. My only stipulation was that I better be at the wedding.
My IL’s paid for the liquor for their other S’s wedding, that was over 25 years ago. I remember they were strapped for cash at the time. They mostly paid for med school for that son. They were trying to save for retirement and had a disastrous investment at the time.
MIL. still remembers that many more of the guests were the brides and that people were coming off the street to drink at the open bar. My SIL was upset that the grooms family wasn’t paying for more. (That hasn’t changed).
I need to stop looking at this, it gives me stomachaches just thinking about the wedding and all the expense. We are still paying off school loans, trying to save for retirement and while we live a very nice life, and are not struggling, we are taking all available extra money to get our debts paid so we can retire. We have gone on 2 vacations in the 5 years sine the kids got out of college and none while. The brides parents probably have a more modest life than we have.
Both of the kids have no school loans, they together make more than my H and I. They bought a more expensive home than we have (we had to relocate and have been in our present home less than 10 years, so not that long). They go on nice vacations.
But I wonder, do I have to fund a big expensive wedding also? We had a very modest wedding and it’s what we wanted.
I think I want to hyperventilate when @atomom says she paid 10.5k for the first kid.
Sorry, I just had to get this out before I burst.
If your “kids” have no loans, a nice house & vacation that you guys do, I see no reason why you and your H are expecting to pay for the wedding. I’d just tell them up front that you’re busy saving for retirement and will give them $XXXX for their wedding gift that they can do with as they prefer and then stop worrying. If they want expensive and extravagant, it’s not on your dime. Let it go and enjoy the event and happy couple.
Thanks @HImom that’s exactly what we are doing. But I feel so guilty. Like we are being terrible parents.
Sometimes I feel all this pressure to be/do what “everyone” else is doing.
Maybe my rant was because I needed to hear that this is all right.
Please @deb922, don’t allow yourself to feel pressured or “guilted,” because you are doing what is fair and makes sense to you. There is a HUGE wedding industry, like the HUGE college industry that feeds off of folks’ guilt and wanting to be sure they don’t fall short. Just do what you’re comfortable with and be happy for the soon to be newlyweds. You will always be able to find more extravagant weddings as well as more modest events. Enjoy the happy times and don’t be a victim of the wedding industry.
We had a HUGE wedding because my folks and my ILs wanted to invite everyone they’ve always wanted to invite, so we said, “Fine, as long as you pay for whatever guests you invited who are going to attend.” My cousin had a very modest picnic in the park which was potluck and encouraged either no gifts or gently used gifts. We are both still happily married over 3 decades later. The “stuff” is really “stuff.” To me, it’s the relationships that are important. H and I would have been happy to just have our immediate family (which we have had at most of our celebrations since), but wanted his family and mine to be happy. It worked out.
PLEASE don’t feel you have to match what others have chosen to do and what others may be able to afford. It’s NOT a competition and in the end the couple will be married and have celebrated in whatever way is meaningful to them. (It’s like some kids graduate with huge loans, small loans, or no loans from Prestigious U, Regular U or Podunk U. All get hopefully degrees–or not–and move on with their lives.)
@deb922, agree–don’t allow yourself to be guilted. You and your H have to be comfortable with your gift. But do allow yourself the honor of being the Mother of the Groom and give yourself permission to enjoy this special day in your S’s life.
(and as I have told my kids, the more money you get from me now, the sooner I’ll be living with you :)) . They really have asked for nothing… )
35 years ago, my inlaws offered to pay for the liquor at the reception because “the groom’s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and the open bar bill”. Lucky for them, we were married on our very dry college campus, no alcohol allowed. My parents were very conservative and there would be no alcohol at any wedding they were paying for.
We gave S a check and said spend it on the wedding, honeymoon, down payment. They spent it all on the wedding, but they loved every minute of their day.
deb922,
way back when, I was the oldest of 4 and both sets of parents were poor, H and I paid for our own wedding. Both sets of parents gave us gifts, which combined totaled ~30% of our costs.
So when kiddos were growing up they knew, we paid for ours, they were expected to pay for their own. We did pay the bulk of private college educations and help with student loan repayment. On wedding day, they got a generous gift, but wedding decisions were not predicated by this amount.
First to get married (and spouse) went whole hog within wedding industry vortex.
The second, City Hall with 2 witnesses, small local celebrations with families in distant locations.
Both couples had the celebrations they wanted and suited them.
No guilt felt by parents.
Now there are funds to help with home purchases, flights for visits (both them to me and me to them), grad school expenses, etc.
More wedding review–In which I report on our disastrous rehearsal dinner.
The reception was about 20% groom’s side. I wanted to invite more of my relatives, but to go to another level of relationship (my cousins, surviving aunts and uncles) would add a boatload of people, and picking favorites could lead to hard feelings. And I was aware of the cost for the bride’s family/target number, so left those people out. The bride, both of her parents,relatives, her college friends were all in-state. I was pleased that all of my sibs, and most of H’s, and most of our nieces and nephews were able to attend. They all enjoyed the festivities.
Our rehearsal dinner turned out much cheaper than I thought. Only 30 people because bride and groom didn’t want a 2nd reception. But there were quite a few problems. If I weren’t such a chill person (really, I am), I would’ve been outraged.
I thought I had everything set up with the restaurant manager–several contacts over the phone over the last few months. Bride and groom had visited in person back in Dec. Last contact was finalizing the menu about a month before the wedding. The last thing I said was, “Is there anything else I need to do?” And the manager said, “No, that’s it. You’re all set.”
So (and here was my mistake–make note of this) I called after I got into town the day of the event, just to confirm the time. And the kid on the phone said, “A party? Here? Tonight? At this location? Are you sure? Let me get the manager. . .” Imagine the sick feeling I had at that moment. The manager I had arranged everything with was “no longer employed” there. New manager found the paperwork. Found my menu. Saw that one of the entrees would not be available, so we changed that. She discounted all the plates to the price of that entree (though 3/4 were higher level). When we get there, I see that the menu they’d printed didn’t include the dessert. They checked which desserts they had enough of, and I went around and asked all our guests which they preferred. Service was really slow. Waitress told me they had a major disaster in the kitchen that night. Plus they were opening another branch that evening across town and had borrowed their chef and some waitresses (not realizing they had this party). So the waitresses were scrambling to cover everything. Food was very slow. When the dinner plates came there were no vegetables on them, which I pointed out to the waitress. She said they could bring them, but by then people were half finished eating. Serving water, a waitress dumped a full glass on H’s place, into his lap. Father of the bride reached over to help clean up and got his hand into the salad dressing, which also made a mess. When I went to the restroom, the manager called me over, apologized profusely, took another $2 off each plate for the missing vegetables, threw in the desserts for free, gave me two $25 gift cards (which I gave to bride’s parents since we live several states away). Other than the slow service, I’m not sure if any of the guests really noticed all the problems–everyone was so tired from traveling, etc., and the food we had was very good. So that whole deal including drinks and service charge (still had to pay for that bad service. . .) was under $830. Lesson learned. Call SEVERAL days in advance to re-confirm everything. Even if they say, “You’re all set.” (Or don’t. And hope for a big discount when they mess up )
Another thing that made the event unpleasant was that one of the bridesmaids brought a 14mo old nursing toddler (who wasn’t in the wedding party and wasn’t invited) to the dinner. The husband and child were also at the rehearsal, unnecessarily. The kid was extremely noisy, screaming in the church, etc. And the clueless dad didn’t bother to take him outside! So no one could hear the priest’s instructions. And everyone was too polite to say anything. Another bridesmaid had a nursing infant, 5mo old, who was also noisy at times. The MoB told me that she thought the dads would watch the babies while the moms attended the rehearsal and dinner. Or just bring the nursing infant (who doesn’t eat other foods yet) to the dinner. A third bridesmaid had two young daughters about 3 and 5 who were flower girls. These girls (who were invited) did not attend the rehearsal or the dinner. Their mom just showed them what to do right before the ceremony. With 7 kids myself and more than a decade of nursing, I am as pro-baby, pro-nursing as anyone. Our family always invites all children to weddings and receptions. But I learned that it just didn’t work very well to have nursing moms in the wedding party.
Wow, @atomom, glad the food was good and things turned out anyway, even with the glitches. My nieces wedding will have at least 2 nursing bridesmaids, the bride’s two sisters. I’m sure it will work out. Glad the actual wedding and reception turned out great too!
Actually, its the snafus that make for the good stories to tell and work themselves into family lore and legend. So, here’s to the memorable moments! 
Wow @atomom - that “A party? Here? Tonight? At this location? Are you sure? Let me get the manager. . .” conversation would have KILLED me! That’s one of my worst nightmares…
Congrats on keeping your cool throughout the dinner!
@deb922, I am going to add my voice to those who say that you should only offer what you feel you can afford (if anything), and that you should not feel guilty.
My D has a really good job making a lot more than I do, and her fiance also makes more than I do. They feel guilty accepting our offer of money for their wedding … which I think is good, frankly. My dad left me some money a few years ago, and I earmarked it for D’s wedding because he & my mom did the same for me with money my grandma left them. I am pleased to be able to use it for the wedding, and I encouraged them to be glad they will have more money to save for a house. If we didn’t have my dad’s money, we would just offer what we felt we could afford & let them take care of the rest.
Apologies if it has already been discussed…July outdoor wedding and cocktail hour with inside reception. We are not family so will not be a part of any of the formal pictures. Does husband need to wear a suit? If not a suit, must he wear a sport coat? Doesn’t seem fair that he has to be so uncomfortable and I can wear a sleeveless dress.