It’s the old song line: making a list and checking it twice. My rule is, the first step in crisis management is crisis prevention.
@Consolation My understanding is it is all about the cell phone photos and the instagram hashtag these days. #insertyourcutesypunbasedonnamesofbrideandgroom
“She has some that have a deadline of the 22nd and some with the 26th.”
@SOSConcern Why did they use different RSVP dates?
Honestly, the one thing this thread has taught me is that the more complicated everything is, the more complicated everything is. Complications seem to expand to fill the amount of time and money spent on the event.
Things that we did not have at our wedding:
Save the dates
Professional hair
Professional make-up
A caterer
A coordinator
A welcome party
A formal brunch the next day
Blocks of hotel rooms
A photographer
A videographer
A bartender (other than my father 
)
Favors
Probably a lot of other stuff I can’t remember
Things we did have:
About 50 guests
A rehearsal and dinner with the wedding party
A tent on the lawn
A dance floor
A five-piece live band with vocalist
Outstanding food (almost all made by me)
An open bar and wine/beer/champagne
A great time
This is not meant to criticize those who do have those things, or to be preachy. They are nice. It is meant to urge people to be less fraught about stuff and enjoy more.
Ha Ha Consolation! I was just telling H that the fact that D and FSIL are having a very alternative wedding
of just 22 is making everything much more difficult than a traditional wedding of 150 (their other choice).
Nothing is making sense at this point including things such as a cake choice. She lives 3,000 miles away
and is use to me making things happen. So can H and I taste the cake…!?
AND I CAN if someone just lets me know what to make happen…
H is finally getting a clue as to what needs to happen such as, perhaps!, a contingency plan in case of
rain. D says, “sure some flowers”…but what?
I am seriously thinking of hiring an event planner for the 6 hours needed.
By the way–do you want to come and cook the meet and greet for 30
:D.
Cake tasting duty? Where do I sign up? 
:-h
OK–just to ask what you think FMIL meant when we talked (have had two dinners when we visited
Boston and this was a phone call) and she said that they would stay in an AirBnB for a few nights and then
the hotel for the wedding here as “we do not want to inconvenience you”…
Hmm? Not inconvenience us as we never asked you to stay here and maybe you think we should?
What does “we do not want to inconvenience you” mean to you?
Is there no Wedding Planning for Dummies?
Make an appt to taste cakes, pick a simple flavor and a tasty filling. For 22-30, ask if she wants tiered layers or a one layer round, then order. The baker should know how to handle. If she wants tiers, 22-30 is small, but you can have the cake elevated on a stand to give it a better height. And the stand can be placed on something else, if needed. Or they can make a dummy layer. Again, the baker should have ideas. Fresh flowers as decoration and around are nice. It can be both elegant and simple. You just have to get the flowers to the cake person (our flowers were added as the baker set up the cake, at the venue.)
“Don’t want to inconvenience you” - Oh, that’s how my MIL spoke, her Southern manners. But at a point you just have to take the words at face value. If it’s not convenient to have them stay with you, then you could ignore it. After all, she said it; it sounded like she has a plan in place.
And the last days before a wedding are a tough time to take on any more house guests, there’s too much on your mind and I never heard it’s custom to put up the other parents. Any new guest is another person to take care of. You’ll have enough to manage.
^ thanks…The cake needs to be tasted and decided and then picked up and delivered and decorated.
No big deal for a party of 22 except there are many “no big deals” and all will fall on my shoulders and H’s as she is not here. Not upset about it but thinking maybe an event person could do some things…just sorting things out. Of the 22 only 6 live in our city and 4 have little kids so that leaves H and myself to do the getting the cake, dropping off the wine, getting the flowers, etc
Actually! THANKS! We do not need an event planner–what we need is a helper which I can find through our local NextDoor. Brilliant!!
I have zero guilt that we have not asked them to stay with us. I found her comment odd.
No way will I take on house guests and my D knows this. I think my FSIL thinks we have so
many guest beds…and may have commented such to them.
However, even IF I were willing, our S and his wife will be with us as will D and FSIL (I think).
No matter, I do not enjoy hosting and absolutely would not offer so --just wondering what others
thought she meant as H thinks I am reading too much into this but BFF got i†.
The bakery can usually deliver and set up. Even if it costs something, imo, it’s worth it. Wow, taking my D’s cake out to the place in separate layers made me nervous, I’ve made tiers before, knew I had the structure set up (the engineering) but then worried something would shift in the car and damage it. And had to worry about placing the layers on top of each other just so. As MOB, you want as few tasks as possible left to you and Dad.
But I see what you mean about the hassle of small. Lean on whomever it is- if your D isn’t so worried about specific details, let the florist suggest within your price range. Have the arrangements competed, not just fresh flowers you have to have to arrange. (too much work.) You don’t need elaborate. Personally, I like one color, can be several types of flowers. Stay away from the heavy smelling ones, like lilies. (Ha, that was another of my mother’s requests.)
Oh, for my godson’ wedding, two weeks ago, a friend had made the cake. @Consolation, she used Pillsbury boxes (it did taste good) but had no idea about trussing up the layers. Yup, the two top ones were leaning and sinking. But it was a happy wedding, nonetheless. That’s the thing: you want happy. That doesn’t always mean perfection.
^ thanks.
No layers, no delivery, no florist.
22 persons stopping in a public park with no permit (only as none exist) and then a happy hour at
a local restaurant per discussed by D and FSIL but months earlier (yep—me following up) then a restaurant arranged (they have done this). (except I am to take cake and flowers and wine over earlier).
Thanks again, I get what I need is a helper.
^sweet that the cake leaned and was mixes–and still.
I have a nice cupcake holder, with tiers. For such a small crowd, I’d be thinking cupcakes. You could have a few different favors.
There are at least 50 lists on the Internet of what needs to be done and when it needs to be done.
No two of them agree with each other.
There is one thing you will notice on all of the lists, though. There are endless details that involve the bridal party. I’ve come to realize that the best decision my daughter and her fiance made when they started planning their wedding was not to have a bridal party at all. I was doubtful about this at the time. But now, a year later (and 2 1/2 months out from the wedding), I love it. There’s so much less to think about.
To answer the question, evidently DD got some of her invitations out later. She hand wrote on them RSVP by XXXX.
Have more to comment but have to leave for work. Will write more later.
My D told me and her sister this weekend that she has no interesting in planning the wedding, but her fiancé does, therefore, we should discuss and plan all details with him.
She wasn’t kidding. MOH and I are thrilled because he is so much easier to deal with!
@zoosermom It may be a little dicey having him go to the dress fittings, though. :))
These comments are so helpful and calming right now. Hang on - this will be long and for that I apologize in advance.
We are 21/2 months out and my S and FDIL were here yesterday for Father’s Day and to open and organize gifts that have already been sent here (and the invitations have not yet been sent). I am so stressed out this morning I can’t believe it and I’m not even “in charge” of this wedding. I think that may be part of my anxiety. This is a 3 borough affair over three days and the details that are keeping me up at night are things like transportation, timing, and the bizarre “non-wedding party” they have invited to participate.
There are 7 women and 7 men who will wear somewhat coordinated clothing, walk down the aisle, and, I think, do some readings, hold the chuppah, sign the ketubah, etc. They will not all stand up under the chuppah - only her brothers (for her) and his sister and brother (for him). Re: the clothing - one of the women (the bride’s oldest friend) decided to buy a floral dress, so that dictated that all the women (including my D, who will be standing up for her brother, officially and HATES floral) will wear floral dresses of their choosing. The men will wear blue or grey suits (their choice, apparently) and floral ties my S is purchasing for them. My D works about 60-70 hours a week and has no time to shop - in addition she is a hard to fit size (very busty size 6) and none of the flowy, spaghetti strap floral dresses work for her. I had 10 dresses here yesterday for her to try and only one is even a possibility. So, her anxiety over this is making me anxious, too.
There will be busses from the hotel to the venue for the guests. Most of the women and men in the “wedding party” live in NYC, but some are from out of town and will stay at the hotel, and others will stay elsewhere. Only 2 of the women will be part of the “hair and makeup” brigade, along with my D, MOB and me. The whole “wedding party” will need to be at the venue for pictures about an hour + before the rest of the guests. My S and FDIL assume the “wedding party” will all get themselves to the venue at the appointed time - I know NYC and traffic, and there’s a Yankee-Red Sox game and the US Open going on that day. I want them all to meet at the hotel and be transported together…I don’t seem to be winning that battle. For the cost of the multiple Ubers it would take to get all these people to the venue, I could rent a mini-bus and they could have the piece of mind that everyone will be where they need to be. I recognize this is my problem, but I always end up being the “fixer” at these events in out family and I’d rather “fix it” in advance.
Then, my S and FDIL brought their invitations up here to stuff yesterday (from Minted) and after they laid out all the pieces and began to pull the first envelope to stuff, they realized they had been sent someone else’s envelopes 
They recognized none of the names. So, after a call to Minted, a new set will be sent to my house and I will stuff, stamp, and send the invitations later this week. The invitations are beautiful, simple, and united to their personality - before the envelope mix-up I think they would have given Minted 5 stars…now although the will fix the issue immediately, it took a little bloom off the rose, as they say.
Both my S and FDIL have stressful, long hour, tight deadline jobs, they are in the process of buying an apartment, and taking on much of the planning of this wedding. I get it, and I appreciate that I tend to try to do all my worrying in advance, but it’s all keeping me up at night.
Good news is, I found a dress - more on that in the MOB Dress thread!
Whew, just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for “listening.”
hahaha!! Assuming she ever picks out a dress. She keeps finding excuses to cancel appointments. She has to feel the experience. Ok?
I have to say, as another New Yorker, I think you are right on this. It COULD be fine, but the possibility of stress is great, and who needs that? All it takes is one broken down car to make such a trip an utter nightmare. Good luck!
I received a call from my D this morning and am now an official member of this auspicious group. I knew it was coming, her now fiance had a conversation with me back in January asking if it was OK if he proposed. No dates set yet as she won’t graduate until May of 2018 and she will be interviewing for jobs this fall. I’ll have to go back to the beginning and read all of the posts on this subject. We are going on a camping trip this July with the newly engaged couple and both sets of parents. It is time to get to know one another.