I like the non-wedding incarnation of her! Once we get past all the stress of the wedding, I’m sure all will be fine. She and I are very different, but I love her D and she loves my S which is a great place to start. Ok, I will view this in a positive manner and try to take my cues from her.
@runnersmom we are paying for our daughter’s reception. BUT we are inviting the MOG and FOG to the food tasting anyway.
Yikes. My D2 and her fiancé picked a date next April and there are many things I’m dreading - but they can wait. (isn’t it all a funny combination of hopeful anticipation and dread? Lol).
Anyway, I was at the wedding of a dear friend’s daughter last month and found myself taking notes. Most of the notes involved the bus transportation! Here they are:
Make sure wedding bus is air conditioned.
That bus has list of guests and their phone numbers
That it leaves on time
That is has cup holders that actually hold cups
That the return bus has an “early” option for us old folks
This was brought about by our small bus, heading from hotel to venue (35 miles of winding roads) that had a very loud fan that was clearly working hard but didn’t do much to cool the air. It was 90 degrees outside and while we’re all dressed up, the poor men in their long sleeve shirts and jackets… Not nice to arrive at a wedding and be pre-sweaty.
We left a bit late because the driver had been told X people and X-4 were on the bus. THE DRIVER NEEDS A CONTACT WITH THE PLANNER to make sure this runs more smoothly. If he had even had a list of names then some of us on the bus might have known the people and could have called them. OR, have no names and just a firm time of departure and then leave.
It was a hot day so they offered us water bottles and the bus had these little tray tables and cup holders and those were about an inch too small for the water bottles. At one point, my water bottle rolled back into oblivion on the floor of the bus and disappeared.
And yes, not everyone wants to stay until the end. The bus experience here just drove home for me that I will be wary of taking these buses in the future.
@rebeccar - stay strong! I agree with others that this is a good chance to let your in-laws see that you and future H will not roll over for every demand they make. Even if they were paying, they shouldn’t be so pushy. The fact that they’re not paying just makes it more ridiculous.
You don’t want to find yourself moving far away in the future just to be free of their pressure. Try to set clear lines of communication now that establish you and future H as an independent and adult couple.
@greewitch, all concerns I have about the busses. My S said they will be designating one friend per bus as the “bus captain” who will have the lists, directions, contact numbers etc. Given that we are dealing with NYC, the busses will leave the hotel with more than enough time (we’ll provide for an early arrival at the venue with cold drinks etc.) and there will be two departure times. We are only investigating air-conditioned coach busses, not “party” busses. Now I just have to find a bus company that won’t cost more than the wedding!
I can see myself being the MOB and feeling like I should do the planning, only to feel overwhelmed at the end, and needing help, but feeling terrible asking for it. Please don’t think less of the MOB for her last minute requests. Some of us have organizational issues and difficulty asking for help.
Organizational help I get - having turned down our financial contribution 6 months ago it was a little shocking to be asked to cover certain costs now, especially since I have planned the engagement party, rehearsal dinner, and day after brunch thinking they are my primary financial responsibilities for the wedding. If I’d know that I was going to be asked to cover certain other things, I may have made different decisions about the other events. I get wanting or being open to help, and it’s not that we can’t afford theses extras, we can. It’s just a little frustrating for me. Trust me, I am helping with all I have to give without mentioning any of this to the kids or the MOB, I just vent here 
Ya know, if the bus is set to leave at x o’clock, you can plan for it to wait 10 minutes, then leave. You can back schedule a bit. If it needs to go at, say, 10am, you can tell folks 950.
I’m sure I said this on some wedding thread, but my grandmother set her watch ten minutes ahead (none of the rest of us had one on and of course this was pre-cell.) So our “few minutes late” turned out we were right on schedule.
Still looking for opinion no and recommendations on wedding insurance. Specifically I am concerned about large deposits being lost if venue closes or has a major event such as fire or flood.
try this - not sure if CC will let me post the link but here goes: wed safe.com. my friends son had insurance through them for a destination wedding (the underwriter was Nationwide, I think. In their case, the caterer never showed up and they had to provide other catering at the last minute. The policy covered their losses. I didn’t read the policy so I can’t tell you if it would cover a venue closing or being otherwise unavailable. I suspect it does.
@chumon, I don’t know the reasoning behind your daughter’s future in-laws for you to pay for the wedding. But for Chinese families and in Singapore, the groom’s family traditionally always pays for the wedding banquet. What you have described as having the groom’s family take your D off your hands is more consistent with Indian culture, not Chinese. In China, the groom’s family pays a large sum to the bride’s family as reimbursement for raising their future daughter-in-law who will bear children to assure continuation of their family’s name.
https://labellecouture.com.sg/money-matters-who-pays-for-what/
I do understand your concerns re:budget and think it’s fine to say no to last minute expenses. I also am happy to listen to venting w/o judgment, just offering another perspective.
To cbreeze: I know what you are saying and I agree. I think people pick and choose what they want from their cultures. It’s all ok. If they want a tea ceremony, I’ll participate. If they want the wedding to be closer to their residence, I’ll travel. I love my kid and I have promised myself to do everything I can to make sure I’m a help, not a hindrance with her wedding.
The S of a good friend of mind married a young woman from China. They had planned a wedding in Shanghai and they expected my friend to pay since in China the groom pays. Due to some issues they ended up having a wedding in Ca that my friend paid for. She decided that she was not going to pay for a huge China wedding and told her S and DIL. In the end her parents weren’t upset because in order to host my friend and her H the brides family felt they needed to remodel their apartment in order to host my friend. The bride and groom did go to Shanghai and did the tradition of take NV wedding photos and her family hosted a banqufor them. My friend and her H did not go.
Please remind me to smile and nod. I am texting with D and she is ticking me off.
They have decided to have pizza, beer and wine, and salad Friday night at the hotel.
That is fine as there is a nice terrace off their room and people will be arriving different times.
Only 21 total (plus photographer next day) invited.
I mentioned some appetizers and cookies. Ok to the cookies no to a hummus plate I would make
from Costco–?! because they do not want to spend the $.
I am beginning to regret that we gave them a lump sum. If we had been paying (with a budget)
they would not be having this position at all.
I appreciate that they are trying to save. But let’s not be tacky. AND she spent $72 on a
wedding topper so how about another $40 for food.
This will resolve itself. I am seriously not going to say “let us pay” this and that as they have been given
enough $$ to feed people.
Smile and nod @oregon101. If they have the pizza and salad available as soon as people arrive, they will never miss the hummus. I know, I would want to do it too, but don’t die on this battlefield!
Can anyone recommend a venue for a small (20ish) ceremony/meal in the Portland, OR area? They love wine tastings so a vineyard would be nice.
@mom60 my D had acquaintance who put down large deposit on wedding and reception venue and caterer (same) in big city. $$$$ Went out of business shortly after check cleared. No insurance. Attorney told them that suing was pointless, as his fees would probably be more than they would get, if they got anything at all. Convinced us. I believe D’s cost about $250…covers many things…except a change of mind…
bp, This is where I live. D’s is in Sept. with 22.
When is your couple planning to get married. The season means everything here.
First they were saying Nov 2017 but now say maybe next year!