I had wondered if it was only wedding planning that was a problem. Seems not. It’s certainly possible to have a long and happy and successful marriage with very unpleasant and difficult in-laws. This I know from experience. It will help to have a plan in place to deal with them imho. Very best wishes to you as you work all this out.
Last son to get married and they have a date and a venue. Sept. 1, 2018.
It is really important that you and your fiance deal with this situation in a strong, united front. The cultural thing is a crock … if they really meant it, they would hold up their end of the deal. They would insist on paying, and they would work with you to plan a reception that is within their budget. But no, they want to have a reception of their dreams on your parents’ dime. Their cultural argument is baloney if they just pick & choose the parts they like. If they really want the whole community to celebrate your marriage, they can throw a nice party for you with all their friends in attendance … and they wouldn’t have to pay for your side of the family, or even for your friends (who would all attend the formal reception). If you allow them to walk over your family, the rest of your life is going to be more of the same. D’s fiance is from a different culture, but it is also one in which the groom’s family traditionally pays for the wedding … they also plan it. (We are paying for the wedding, and they are very cool with everything - I am sorry your FIL’s are not that way.)
On a lighter note, the cost of transportation is what prompted my D and FSIL to move their wedding from a church 40 minutes from the venue to one in walking distance of the venue. Ah, it lifted so much stress about getting from church to reception! I am glad they are planners, so they were able to get that fixed before it was too late.
@twoinanddone yeah, a few pages ago I posted that we were in a good situation because my fiance and I both like both venues. Now I think we should scratch the one that they’re rooting for. My parents are usually very chill, go-with-the-flow people, but my dad is starting to angrily grumble about why he’s being told where he should spend his money. And what you mentioned is a good point, otherwise it definitely could be seen as “flaunting” the wedding in front of the people who can’t be invited.
It honestly is a huge shame! His parents “had their reservations about me” (their words) in the beginning but they warmed up and are always sweet and polite to my face, inviting me over for dinners and shopping outings. There was one incident in particular that really soured things right after we got engaged, so I’ve been trying to move past that, but this has not been helping at all. I think it would make a huge difference if they would at least say thank you to my parents, or act grateful at all, instead of just “this isn’t good enough.” I mean, come on.
Thanks again for all the feedback, it’s definitely helping to clear all the thoughts in my head 
@rebeccar Please feel safe to vent here. Or to PM directly with posters. Or to go silent if it overwhelms you to answer questions.
This is a good group of folks that like to help. And we are not shy about sharing honest opinions!
We are glad to confirm you are not the crazy one in this situation.
@rebeccar, if it will cause huge social problems for your future husband’s family if you have a wedding and don’t invite all the Persian relatives and friends his family is expected to invite, it might make a whole lot of sense to elope.
That way, his parents get to complain to everyone they know that their son and his new wife are crazy, the Persians presumably would not be offended at not being invited to a wedding because there was no wedding, and your parents don’t have to spend a lot of money.
Two friends (if witnesses are required in your state). A courthouse. Perhaps pizza afterward. And presto, you’re married. It might be the way to go.
Many of us have experienced the ups and downs of married life. Hence, the firm stand we’re advocating now. The first partnership is the couple’s, not one set of parents. The two of you need to be a unit.
“reciprocal invitations need to be given to all these random people in their community who invited them to their own kids’ weddings and bar mitzvahs.”
But your parents were never invited to these affairs, right? So, that traditional obligation belongs to his parents. Your parents don’t owe his parents some excessive “face saving” gesture when his are not contributing a dime. Easy: they need to entertain a larger number, they do, they find a way. Not your parents.
It’s awfully ballsy to diss another venue or stomp their feet.
“We can afford xxx guests from your list.” Not sure any more than that is needed. But I’d be tempted to add, “Were you thinking you’d throw an event for the B&G? We’d love to meet your community.”
Good luck.
@rebeccar Is it possible to change the venue and have a destination wedding? That way you can invite everybody and assume many or most won’t come.
@rebeccar is it possible that if you choose their venue they will try to make it appear that they are paying for the wedding. My friend had inlaws like this. She ended up going to therapy to learn how to best handle them and how to set boundaries without guilt. Having her H support her was also important for the marriage to work in the long term. During the wedding planning the MOG would play games and try to get her S to do her bidding.
Rebecca’s, please don’t cave in now, or u will be doing this for years. Next thing u know, they will insist on baby’s name. Let them know that your family doesn’t want to spend all their money on a wedding, when there are school loans and future housing to be consider d. The in laws don’t care about you, just their standing in their community. They would absolutely hate it if it b came known known they didn’t contribute a dime to the wedding parties. You truly have the upper hand. You can chose the venue of choice, limit even to 100, or decide on a venue with family style food. If you don’t know their invites, they don’t need to come.
Mom60, Bookworm: do you think they are pushing for hometown venue so their community will assume they are hosting and paying for wedding festivities? In that case I can understand why the guest list is so important to them. They don’t want to appear “cheap” ???
Is this what is going on? They can’t (or won’t) live up to expectations of their community, but are looking to save face?
Regardless, this isn’t your problem, Rebeccar.
And it certainly isn’t your parent’s. They sound wonderful.
I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this @rebeccar. As I’m finding out, weddings are even more stressful than I remembered ;). Please speak with your fiancé and present a united front to his parents…even if your dad takes the heat, they need to know that their S is standing with you. Although the situations are completely different, we’ve allowed my MIL to insert herself into some of our family decisions over the years, especially with respect to parties for life cycle events such as Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and our S’s wedding is causing all that to bubble over again. She doesn’t understand why we can’t (actually won’t) invite her friends, or why my children, the groom’s siblings, are allowed to bring their significant others but my niece is not. The couple chose a venue with a hard cap because they didn’t want 300 people…as others have described above, my H and I will have 10 non-family guests at the wedding (5 couples) all of whom have known the groom since the day he was born. I own a company with 4 partners - only one is being invited. It’s just the way it is.
We were set up for this by allowing her to take advantage over the many years - it’s better to create your boundaries, parameters and limits now. Your family is making the wedding - if the ILs wanted to contribute they might be able to open a conversation about what kind of wedding you are willing to have. Without skin in the game, your family, with you and your fiancé, of course, will decide what the wedding will entail. I don’t think you should feel forced to elope or plan a destination wedding or anything other than what you want and can afford to avoid the confrontation with his family. I think you should have what the two of you want that fits the budget you have to plan the wedding. Good luck, I am so sorry you’re dealing with this when you should be enjoying your engagement.
I not only feel so bad for Rebecca, but also for her parents who seem to be very generously doing their best to give her a dream wedding!
Agree…United front.
My MIL tried to run the show for our very small wedding…asking to in tie people we had never met. Keep in mind…she didn’t offer a dime to oaynfor this…and knew we were footing the bill,ourselves.
DH said NO. And it was a definitive NO.
I will say…we have been married for 36 years…and my MIL is still VERY difficult, and controlling when she can be.
Set your boundaries now…figure out which hills are worth dying on.
In your situation, it’s a “when in Rome” situation. You are hosting and paying for this wedding. It’s not in Persia.
My MIL invited members of her family to be in the wedding party without consulting her son or me. Just for starters.
I can laugh about it now.
@rebeccar, it’s great that you brought your problems here – not just because people here have ideas to share but also because you’re reminding us of what we need to do to be good parents-in-law. So you’re helping us, too.
Here’s my new dilemma. I got a text from MOB yesterday asking if I could join her for a menu tasting next week. The venue only does tastings during the week, during the day, and my S and FDIL can’t do that. I texted my S to confirm that he knew she was asking me, and that he was ok with not being there. He told me they had discussed this and yes, he wanted me to go. Which is fine - originally he and my FDIL invited me to be there with them, and I assumed I would just confirm what they wanted, unless something struck me as awful - I mean, I’m not paying for this. Now, however, I feel like I will need to have a real opinion, and will be speaking for him. Again, I’m not paying for this, so don’t feel that I can be as particular as I might otherwise be…the MOB should be making the decision, IMO. Add this to the fact that she scheduled it when she knows I am throwing an engagement party for 100 at our home three days later and you can understand why I’m concerned she may be a little tone-deaf to what I say on my S’s behalf. Should I just try to opine on things I know will be significant deal breakers for him or should I actually give my opinion on the entire meal and the options?
When I was told MOB was “making” the wedding, I felt like I was going to be out of the loop - tough for my type-A personality, but better than being involved but knowing I wouldn’t have any real say. Oh, how things are changing as I order the kippot, wait for the call from the catering coordinator to discuss the desserts, and compare transportation costs. Involved, but not involved…the worst of all possible worlds. Today’s vent over, thank you for listening!
I think you can relax about this. She probably just wants you there so any discussion or decisions are not hers totally alone. It’s a friendly gesture. If she thinks the X dish is off, you’ll just give your opinion. You can still defer to her decisions. If you know your son dislikes how some particular dush is made, you can politely handle that.
It’s also a little MOB/MOG bonding time. (Hope you like her.)
I think its a nice gesture to include you, but the timing stinks!
I think my daughter is lucky with respect to inlaws. Her future father-in-law handed the couple a check to cover the entire cost of the reception. He wants no involvement in planning, other than to enjoy the virtual tour on the site’s website. He is also planning to build an arch for the ceremony space based on a photo provided by my D. The fiancé is aggressively not close to his mother, so she’s not really a factor. My D has been sending her photos of things to make her feel involved and she is very grateful, but knows she has no standing so doesn’t push. I think it’s going to be a very low-key and pleasant wedding.