At DS’s wedding, the shuttle busses, despite having the schedule for all 3 days, “forgot” that they were to provide transportation to/from the Sunday brunch. That was a challenge- to run down the mountain and get people. Wasnt so bad to get them back, but the morning, to get the word out, was no fun.
Transportation was one of the surprise headaches of D’s wedding. We had made arrangements based on the number of people who had made reservations under the wedding block. B&G confirmed with that group who needed transportation. They then discovered that there was another group who made reservations outside of the block who were also expecting transportation. Luckily we had enough room on the bus for these people as well. Our hotel also had 3 other wedding groups staying there and all groups were using the same company for transportation. We couldn’t just tell everyone “hop on the XCompany bus” at 4:30 since that same company was picking up for other weddings around that time. My SIL stopped every nicely dressed person in the lobby and asked them if they were going to the Mansfield family wedding and then showed them to the appropriate bus. In the end, everyone who was supposed to be on our bus was there. Oh…and the transportation turned out to be much more expensive than we’d planned.
Our brunch will be in the same place where the rooms are blocked off for the wedding guests. No bus for that either.
With my large family and the number of weddings and Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, we have plenty of transportation plans gone wrong! From busses not showing up, leaving before everyone boarded, to getting lost, I was very direct with the company for my daughter’s wedding about what was and wasn’t expected.
I provided them with turn by turn directions from the hotel to venue and back, even thought they said they had GPS. My day of consultant had he husband at the hotel to make sure the busses arrived and everyone got on. I had planned on a local friend to ride the bus, but this worked out better. He was able to also make sure the bus left the hotel on time.
I am sure the bus company though I was nuts, but I called the week before and the day before to make sure we were on the schedule, had the correct size bus, they knew where they were coming and going to, and that there were to be two different pick up times from the reception for those that wanted to leave early. Everything went as planned, and I would like to believe that it would have happened without my constant follow up, but either way, it all worked out well.
Guys, I can’t.
I’ve mentioned before that my fiance’s parents have a huge guest list but can’t pay for anything. My parents are paying 100%. We spent the past 2 weeks visiting venues and there’s one that we all like, and one that his parents prefer because it’s where everyone in their community does parties. His dad told my dad that at the venue we like, the food is “disgusting” and that us paying for 250 guests is not going to work for them, they need us to pay for 300.
Am I in the Twilight Zone?? Is this at all normal?? We’re still giving them like 125 guests completely no charge for them. This is more of a vent than anything else but I just don’t understand.
@rebeccar, because of budget and space restraints, both my kids gave parents 10 or fewer invites for friends (I mean people, not couples). Both could only have 150 at their venues and in S’s case he & DIL paid for their wedding with some help from her mom/SF. ExH & I paid for a very nice rehearsal dinner for them with just over 100 invited since almost all guests were out of town. They were firm in limiting our invites, saying it was THEIR wedding, not ours. Last summer D was married and her dad funded a substantial amount of the wedding and I funded about $5K. Numbers were still problematic, but her dad/stepmom & I were both still limited in guests.
What made it easier for me with friends is telling them I had just a few guests allocated and the fact that both weddings were out of town. Initially I was disappointed because I have entertained for many friends’ children and there probably would have been some reciprocity with pre-wedding parties if we hadn’t been dealing with such limited numbers. However, I got over it and eventually embraced the fact that there it wasn’t my wedding. When we totaled family & attendants +1s, that took about half the guest list in both cases. Both weddings had about 180 invited with 150 being the “magic” number we hoped would attend and we were just under in the end with both weddings. If we had started adding, it wouldn’t have been just 10-15, but 50 at a time and the cake lady said that was how it always worked when you started trying to work in additional guests.
All this rambling is just to say stand firm and encourage your parents to do so as well. In this day and age with the exorbitant costs associated with weddings, the old outlook of bride’s family pays for everything just doesn’t fly for everyone now and you are lucky that your family is willing & able. Giving them 125 guests is an amazing and generous number and they should be grateful, smile & nod.
Good luck:)
@rebeccar NOW is when you and your fiance must stand together and give the same bold pushback to parents who want to dictate without providing any financial assistance.
I suggest you come up with some details for a Courthouse Wedding, enough to bluff your way through a conversation with these parents. “This is what we can afford. If this doesn’t work for you, we can go to Plan B, which is to get married on the Courthouse Steps with just us and both sets of parents, then head to XYZ restaurant afterwards. Which do you prefer?”
These people are going to continue to push your boundaries, even if they SAY they agree to your limitations. They might try to hit you up for more guest invites along the way, or they could be truly awful and invite people without your knowledge, expecting you not to turn uninvited guests away on the day of the wedding.
I strongly urge you to consider the life you have ahead of you, for this is just a preview of coming attractions for what your life is going to be filled with if you marry your fiance. I would suggest counseling for you and your fiance, to get a professional in on this conversation. You really need to be confident that your fiance is going to protect you from his family’s interference, and that fiance is going to put you as top priority in your marriage.
If these parents “Win” in any way with this wedding, it will cement to them that if they just cause enough distress, you and your fiance will cave and they will get their way. How you spend your vacations and holidays, what you will name your baby (and what religion you will raise them with), how close to them you will live, etc. Endless conflicts are certain in your future.
Do you even want a wedding? Would you rather elope? What has been your dream growing up, as far as how you saw your wedding day? Is that dream, or any parts of it, realistic for the wedding you are now in the midst of planning?
I saw a wedding at my D’s college, on graduation day. The bride walked down the steps of a dorm, people stood around them in a pretty spot and witnessed their vows, and then they had set up tables for a potluck lunch. The bride and groom had ordered pizzas, and guests filled in with side dishes. (I did not attend, just saw the event from afar, but my D did attend and said it was meaningful and joyful with no stress.) It really can be that simple.
So, what kind of wedding do you want to have? And how willing are you and your fiance to stand up against bullying parents to have the kind of wedding you want and can afford to pay for?
@powercropper, that was brilliant.
@Marian I think I need to call my MIL and thank her for being such a kind woman. She pushed a few buttons in preparation for my wedding years ago, but in comparison to what I am reading here, she was a saint!
My daughter’s best friend had a similar situation with her wedding. While the grooms parents insisted on extending their guest list and offered to pay the difference, the wedding venue selected by the bride had to be changed as it could not accommodate the new numbers. The bride really loved the venue she picked, but she and her parents caved so as not to make waves.
Guess what? The grooms parents continued to make demand throughout the planning period and the wedding was much larger, elaborate and expensive that the bride had planned. While I don’t know this for a fact, I think the bride will always carry resentment towards her inlaws. She loved her wedding, but it wasn’t “her” wedding.
This is where you begin your lifetime of standing together with your fiancé in all circumstances. The two of you need to tell his parents that the number is 250 and will not be more than that. Period. Then walk away without arguing, debating or negotiating. You need to learn this skill, and it’s harder than it looks.
I hope you will choose the venue that works best for your vision and hopes for your wedding.
I give my daughter a lot of credit for standing her ground. There are some things I wish she would reconsider, but she has a vision, a budget, and specific priorities. Her wedding will meet all of those things. She has been very clear what the big picture is and that it is not negotiable. She has been polite about that, and generous about entertaining suggestions and requests for the details.
Rebeccar, I’m not a giant fan of the “it’s my day” concept of weddings, but it’s certainly not his parents’ day!
Are they generally like this or has a wedding brought out the worst in them?
Everything you said is true and is sound and insightful advice. I hope Rebecca reads it and absorbs what you are telling her. And may I add my two cents. The actual wedding ceremony and the reception are two different things. The wedding ceremony should convey your love and life commitment to each other. A reception is a party for your family and friends. Your FIL’s are beyond the pale. You might also tell them that Persia became Iran in 1935.
@rebeccar, do reread powercropper’s suggestions, especially about couple’s counseling before you make any definite wedding plans. While what your future in-laws are doing isn’t unheard of, it also is not “normal” and they should not be permitted to railroad you or your parents. I don’t care what your future in-laws’ rationale is for presuming they can dictate the venue and size of the wedding, they need to be told that it isn’t going to happen. I hope your fiance has your back and is willing to stand up to his parents (assuming he agrees with you on this.) Otherwise, it might be better to delay any wedding plans.
One caveat re the issues @rebeccar is having.
It sounds as though Rebecca and her fiance are from different cultures. It’s possible that what his parents are doing is acceptable and expected in the culture he comes from. But it’s not acceptable in the culture Rebecca comes from, and Rebecca’s family is paying.
If this is the situation, it might actually make it easier to resolve the problem. Instead of Rebecca and her fiance saying to his parents that they’re being unreasonable, they could present the issue as one of cultural misunderstanding. Rebecca and her family still have to win (because otherwise they risk going broke), but if the conflict is presented in terms of cultural difference, then there’s no criticism implied.
My understanding, from previous posts, was that in the groom’s culture, his parents pay for the wedding.
Rebeccar: I remember your previous posts and am so very sorry you find yourself in this situation. I agree with the suggestion of premarital counseling.
How does your fiance feel about his parents’ behavior? You need to get on the same page now. Imho.
You are still in the planning stages. It is easy to postpone. If you were my child, I would suggest you just live together a while, if you haven’t already been doing so. I would want you to have lots of time to be very sure about your comfort level with these potential in-laws no matter how much you love your fiance.
ETA my advice is based on having had very difficult in-laws.
Marian, I think you are correct about the cultural aspect. Reminds me of when I got married almost 30 years ago. My husband is Japanese and his mom has never quite adapted to the western world so to speak. We received a large cash gift from some of her relatives in Japan. We were told we had to buy them gifts, nothing made in Japan of course, and nothing red for anyone over 50. When all was said and done we spent far more on their gifts than their wedding gift was to us. I was kind of mad, but it was a lesson learned about their culture. There are no gifts from the heart because everything has to be reciprocated. Fast forward to today. My daughter is engaged to a young man whose parents are from Singapore. They are Chinese and in their culture the bride pays for everything because they are taking our daughter off our hands so to speak. Meaning they will take over the care of feeding of our daughter. My daughter is an engineer and has been supporting herself since graduating from college. So, no, they will not be supporting our daughter. But that is how they see it culturally. Rebeccar you will have to adapt to the culture of your fiancé and future in-laws, but your parents do not. Now is the time to stand up not only for your parents, but also for yourself. Please read and take the wonderful advice so many have written here. (((((HUGS)))) to you. I hope all turns out well.
Regarding making a deposit. The venue that my S and future DIL have picked requires the whole site fee to hold the date. It’s over a year out and the deposit is large. Suggestion appreciated how to protect that deposit.
Thanks everyone for the support and advice! It’s all noted and appreciated, and I agree with what everyone is saying. I’m not even sure how this became an argument or discussion with them. We just can’t afford it, end of story. They do genuinely have a huge family (135 people, according to the mom) and Persian culture does dictate that reciprocal invitations need to be given to all these random people in their community who invited them to their own kids’ weddings and bar mitzvahs. And I really do sympathize with the position that they’re in, because I know it’s expected that they invite all these people, but that’s not my family’s responsibility. To cut their list down, they could choose to only invite the parents of certain families, not the kids too. Or they could throw their own engagement party or something in their backyard and invite whomever they want.
My fiance feels really bad about all this, and I wish he wasn’t in the position of having to stand up to them, but he agrees they’re being ridiculous. They didn’t want to come with us to visit any of the venues, and he felt sad about that too. There have been incidents with them in the past that I’d rather only discuss via PM, but they’ve been awful.
@Marian, you make a really good point. My dad said he’s totally willing to be the bad guy. If fiance’s family needs to tell their synagogue acquaintances that the white girl’s family made them limit the guest list, then so be it. For what it’s worth, though, Persian custom does say that the groom’s side pays 
I think it would help if you choose the venue NOT near finance’s home. His neighbors and friends wouldn’t then ‘see’ the wedding taking place and feel left out.
I do think it is time for your father to step in, say “this is what I’m paying for” and end it. The inlaws can then pout all they want.
Really the only other alternative is to go an entirely different way with a huge wedding but no sit down dinner, no alcohol, no expensive limos. Just a big picnic type wedding with kids and cousins of cousins of neighbors of relatives. I don’t think that’s what anyone wants, even the inlaws. They want the expensive wedding but twice the size, and that can’t happen because there isn’t any money for that. Better to make most of the people happy (you, finance, bride’s parents) and two people unhappy (groom’s parents) than everyone unhappy and broke.